Mark drove towards the center of the city where it was full of restaurants and places to buy fast food but he didn't seem to stop in front of any of them which confused me a little, as I looked out the window at the people and businesses passing by, Mark asked me about my day, I asked him about his, we had a fairly normal and friendly conversation, I at least didn't feel anything romantic in the air despite the red rose he had given me resting in the palms of my hands or the times he'd stop the car in front of the traffic light and turn to me with a smile.

Eventually Mark stopped the car in front of a sushi place.

I wasn't a fan of uncooked fish, rice and soy sauce but I also wasn't a fan of complaining when making plans with my friends.

Mark stopped the engine and got out of his seat, before I could turn the handle he came and opened the door for me, a chill running down the back of my neck when our eyes met, I quickly grabbed my wallet from my backpack and got out leaving my belongings and the rose on the seat, Mark closed the car door and we walked inside the restaurant.

Despite it was lunch time, there were only three tables occupied, Mark and I sat near the window and while he scanned the annoying QR code to see the menu, I stared out the window and reflected.

There was something strange inside me, something like a mixture of guilt, nervousness and desire. The strange mass of emotions was stuck in my chest, like stones in the kidneys, I liked to imagine that this was not really a date, that I was exaggerating and that Mark was just taking advantage of the situation to spend more time with me, but that he should know that I don't like him romantically.

He knows that... Right?

His hand reached to grab mine.

Mark: You're not allergic to shrimp are ya?

I chuckled.

Yn: No, I'm not

Mark: How does twenty pieces of California and avocado rolls with shrimp, salmon and cream cheese sound?

My stomach grumbled just in time, I smiled.

Yn: Yeah! Sounds good.

***

Mark: An essay?!

I have to stop being so judgmental, the sushi was delicious and Mark's company was pleasant, we had been talking and sharing the food for several minutes, right now Mark was questioning the methods of my bitter Professor Kane.

Yn: Yes, I know right?

Mark: I don't understand

Yn: Hm?

Mark: Why not let you retake the test? Or do something like-... Math homework? Why make an essay on some dead guy? You're not studying history

Studying history...

I shrugged.

Yn: There's just two possible reasons, one he thinks I'm too stupid to do his math problems and wants to help me, or two he thinks I'm too stupid to write an essay and wants to fail me anyway

Mark laughed.

Mark: Not without giving you false hope beforehand

Yn: Exactly, nonetheless I'm not complaining...

Mark thought for a second as he picked up a piece of sushi with his chopsticks.

Mark: Remember that one class back in high school? That "Study of historical figures" thing?

Yn: Yeah, it wasn't a class though, it was like-... extracurricular

Mark nodded.

Mark: I took that with you, not sure if you remember because we weren't friends at that point

Yn: Of course I remember, you sat in the back interrupting the teacher and making annoying jokes

He laughed.

Mark: There's this one time we had to make an essay, about someone, anyone, you made it about Eleanor Roosevelt

I thought for a second trying to remember what Mark was talking about, eventually the memory of me turning in the essay and the teacher reading it in front of the whole class took over my brain.

Yn: Yeah! I remember, the teacher read it in front of everyone, it was mortifying

Mark: Mhm, she said something about it being "the only well-done essay"

I laughed.

Yn: And of course I enjoyed the validation at the time, no wonder I got bullied so much

He laughed, I looked down at the food, I was full.

Mark: I remember thinking you were such a loser for being a teacher's pet but now looking back I was just extremely jealous of you

Yn: Yeah?

He nodded.

Mark: So I have no doubts you'll blow your teacher's eyebrows off once he reads your essay and has no other choice but to give you an A

He placed a piece of sushi on his mouth and chewed, I smiled.

Yn: You think so?

He nodded and swallowed his food.

Mark: I know so, doll, in a way it's good you failed your test, now you have this chance to redeem yourself

I chuckled.

Yn: You're very optimistic

Mark: Is that a good thing?

Yn: It's definitely more attractive than a pessimist

He gave me a lopsided smile putting his chopsticks down, I took a sip from my glass of water.

Mark: Yeah?

I chuckled and nodded.

Yn: Yeah

Mark: In that case everything is going to be fine, you're gonna absolutely slay that essay, go team!

He said reaching out to grab my hand with a laugh I shook my head and laughed along with him, my fingers intertwining with his.

Yn: Oh wow! Very attractive Mark

He rolled her eyes with a chuckle.

Mark: I aim to impress what can I say?

His thumb gently rubbing circles in the back of my hand.

I sat there for a moment, enjoying the lingering warmth of our joined hands and at the same time, feeling guilty.

Yn: Well thank you for your support, definitely needed it

Mark: You can count on me, for anything Yn, and I mean anything and everything

Yn: Hm... I'd like to take down the government

Mark: When do we start?

We laughed.

***

When Mark and I had enough of sitting talking, listening to the restaurant radio and when we ran out of sushi we asked for the bill, I offered to pay my half but Mark refused and left a twenty percent tip, without letting go of my hand he took me outside and he looked me up and down, I smiled at him with my head tilted.

Yn: Hm?

He spun me around, I chuckled, his other hand taking place on my waist and dragging me closer.

Mark: You're so beautiful Yn

My stomach turned, I tried to hold a smile but it was impossible, he had me smiling and giggling.

Yn: Ah quit the sweet talk Mark, you're just saying that

Mark: No, I mean it, you're f*cking gorgeous

I chuckled, my heart warming up by the attention and the compliments, so I leaned in and pecked his lips, seconds after feeling guilty and a bit grossed out by my actions, but of course it wasn't enough, not for him who aggressively dragged me by my waist to his tall figure pressing our bodies together.

He placed another short, quick, desperate, kiss on my lips and pulled away, I looked up, the air filling with anticipation and my cheeks burning red, his fingers gently tracing patterns on my waist.

Right there and then the only thing in my mind was that I wanted to aggressively kiss Mark all over again....But I was in the middle of a crowded street, so I pulled away with an awkward smile.

Yn: Mark I had a lot of fun

His smile fading for a second before returning again.

Mark: Well it doesn't have to end here

Yn: What you got in mind?

He thought for a second.

Mark: Ice cream?

I chuckled.

Yn: We just had lunch though

Mark: It's dessert! Come on... We could go to the mall and hang out for a bit

Yn: ...

I thought for a while, I was tempted and as I was about to answer he interrupted me.

Mark: I just can't get enough of you, Yn

That was it.

I chuckled, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. Mark was magnetic, and his boldness both intrigued and scared me, so I nodded and grabbed his hand again.

Yn: Alright, let's go

***

I didn't even feel guilty anymore.

I didn't feel guilty for having accepted all of Mark's compliments on the way to the mall with a flirtatious smile and a blush taking over my cheeks, I didn't feel guilty when we got off and we walked through the hallways and stairs of the place holding hands , I didn't feel guilty when I intertwined my fingers with his and when I had the opportunity to kiss his fingers I did, I didn't feel guilty for having laughed with him, for having kissed his cheek and for having told him that he looked handsome when I accompanied him to look for new clothes for his classes, I didn't feel guilty about the jealous looks of other people when seeing a couple of young university students in love, nor did I feel guilty when I got upset with the girls who stared at Mark, nor did I feel guilty when Mark told me that I was "his doll" that he didn't care if they looked at him or not, nor did I feel guilty when I poetically told my father the lie that I would be late home since I was staying to study in the library with Denis, I didn't even feel guilty when Mark paid for my raspberry ice cream.

I didn't feel guilty, I felt self-condemned, which according to me is worse, I condemned myself to having to be with Mark and to mold myself to his love when the only one I longed for was Albert's which maybe I imagined all along.

I was not guilty of anything, and yet I was condemned.

Mark: This place is trash doll

I shook my head out of my thoughts and turned to him, we were standing in the middle of a record shop looking through the variety of vinyls, I chuckled and approached him, my arm instinctively wrapping around his.

Yn: What's so "trash" about it?

Markl: Who even listens to music on vinyl in this century?

Yn: A lot of people, I think it's interesting

Mark: We have Spotify and Apple music it's a bit dumb isn't it?

I chuckled and shook my head.

Yn: You just have no culture Mark

He grinned and kissed the top of my head as I turned to the front to slide my fingers across the music, Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam, Mac DeMarco, Adele, Pink, Deftones, Queen, The Smiths...

Mark: I don't?

...Keane, The Neighborhood, Pixies...

Yn: Have you ever fallen in love with a music album so much that you just want to own it? Like a personal belonging?

Mark: ...I guess?

...Gorillaz, Radiohead, Phoebe Bridgers, Mac Miller...

Yn: Now that's the logic behind collecting vinyls, it's not the same as just having it on your phone downloaded in a playlist

...Nirvana, Mitski...

Mark: Ah I see, that's how weirdos think then

I shook my head and chuckled.

Yn: You clearly don't appreciate music!

He smiled, I looked into his eyes.

Mark: Music? I have it in my pocket anyway doll, no need to spend thirty dollars

Yn: You don't understand

Mark: Explain?

Yn: It's like collecting treasures, Mark

I said with a playful smile, he chuckled and leaned closer.

Mark: Consider yourself my vinyl

I laughed softly and playfully hit him with my hand, which he then grabbed and lead me out of the store.

For my bad luck I collided with someone, I turned to see Kaden and Raven, they smiled at us and then slowly frowned confused, I tried letting go of Mark's hand but he didn't let me, his grip tightened.

Raven: Yn! Mark! Hey

Yn: Hey! What are you guys up to?

Kaden looked at me with a big frown, he didn't like the situation and it was clear.

Kaden: Oh you know, just hanging out my girlfriend, holding hands like COUPLES DO

Mark chuckled, Raven playfully elbowed Kaden to shut up and cleared her throat.

Raven: What are you guys up to?

Mark: We're on a dat-

Yn: We're just hanging out, eating ice cream, buying things, you know? Capitalism yay!

I interrupted him not wanting my friends to know this was a date for two reasons, I knew Kaden would immediately let Albert know and because it wasn't even a date, it was, I just wanted to convince myself and the rest that it wasn't.

Kaden: Huh... Cool

Raven looked at me and then back at her boyfriend.

Raven: Mark could you help me?

Mark: Hm?

Raven: I saw this really aesthetic, cottage-core, fairy vibes jacket on a store in the third floor but I cant reach it and neither can Kaden, can you come with me and help me?

I frowned confused, Mark copied me.

Mark: Uh, sure let's go-

Kaden: No you guys go, Yn needs to help me with something here

Yn: What?-

Kaden: Your dad's friends with the owner of the videogame store right?

Yn: Yeah?-

Kaden: Come with me so he can give me a discount on "The last of us"

Yn: But-

Before I could say anything Kaden grabbed my arm.

Mark: You go ahead, we'll meet here

He kissed my forehead before Kaden dragged me away from his grip, I looked back to see Raven walking away with Mark and once I couldn't see them anymore I frowned and turned to Kaden.

Yn: What has gotten into you? I can't get you a discount!-

Kaden: Girl I don't want no discount I want explanations!

Yn: Huh?

He stopped and turned to me with his arms crossed over his chest.

Kaden: Raven and I saw you guys, we were enjoying a nice afternoon and suddenly "Oh look! Yn and Mark! They're holding hands" So we followed you

Yn: You two were following us?!

Kaden: It was Raven's idea! And-

Yn: You can't do that!

Kaden: Well we did- And-

Yn: That's so wrong Kaden!

Kaden: Sister listen! I'm sorry, curiosity got the best of us! We just wanted to see what was going on and now we're confused!

Yn: Kaden what is so confusing?! I'm just hanging out with a friend and-

Kaden: And kissing and holding hands and kissing again and-

Yn: SHHHHHHH!

I said frustrated, he sighed.

Kaden: ...

Yn: You're giving me a headache!

Kaden: Yn I just want to know, are you and Mark dating or not?!

Yn: ...Not officially-

Kaden: That's it

He said taking out his phone, I panicked.

Yn: What are you doing?

Kaden: Texting Raven the answers we wanted

Yn: Kaden I'm confused, why are you making such a big deal out of this?-

Kaden: Because you're dating Mark!-

Yn: We're not-

Kaden: The man who broke you and Albert up, it's just not right cant you see?

Yn: What gives you the right to decide what's best for me!?

Kaden: The fact that we've been friends for half a decade!

Yn: It's not enough reason! I can do whatever I want and you can't just get into my private life to try and lecture me or something!

I said raising my voice, which is something I would've never done with any of my friends.

I was just tired of apparently doing everything wrong and people inevitably noticing it and recriminating me for it.

Condemned.

Kaden: Yn, It's just that Raven and Maia really don't think you dating Mark is a good idea-

Yn: It's my decision, so do me a favor and leave me alone!

Kaden sighed and looked down.

Kaden: Fine, just a heads up, when Albert knows, not because I tell him but because it's inevitable, that'll be it

Yn: Kaden he broke up with me, things between us are over and it's his fault for being stupid and dumping me over college, not mine because I naturally want to be with someone who cares about me

Kaden sighed again.

Kaden: You're right I shouldn't have meddled in your private life I'm sorry

Yn: Leave me alone, tell Raven to do the same

He gave me one last look with sad eyes before turning around and leaving me there, I inhaled some air and looked down at the floor sad that I had just raised my voice at my best friend.

***

Minutes later I find myself back in the car with Mark, the sun is setting behind us as he drives towards my house, the radio filling the uncomfortable silence that I generate when I remain silent, immersed in my thoughts.

"'Cause you're just a man"

"It's just what you do"

"Your head in your hands as you color me blue"

Mark: You okay?

I turned to look at him.

"As you color me blue"

Yn: Yeah

Mark: Something's wrong, you were so happy before Kaden took you away...

"Yeah, you're just a man

All through and through"

I shrugged.

Yn: I'm fine, just a bit tired

Mark was driving down the coast, he found a place to park the car, right in front of the beautiful beach, he turned the engine off and turned to me.

Mark: What happened doll?

"Your head in your hands"

"As you color me blue"

I sighed.

Yn: Nothing I wanna talk about Mark, Kaden and I just talked and had a bit of a fight

"Blue..."

Mark: A fight?

I nodded

Yn: He just- I don't want to talk about the details but I was very mean to him... I feel bad

Mark: You being mean? Is that even possible?

He chuckled.

Yn: Hm?

"Godd*mn, man child"

Mark: Yn you're the kindest person I know, if you were mean to him it's because he really messed up and deserved it

"You act like a kid even though you stand six foot two"

Yn: ...No I was just mean for no reason and I feel bad

He smiled and turned to me, his fingers lifting my chin.

Mark: You can always apologise, I'm sure he'll understand

"Self-loathing poet, resident Laurel Can-you-know-it-all"

"You talk to the walls when the party gets bored of you"

Yn: I don't want to lose my friends Mark, I feel like recently it's very easy to do so

Mark: You'll always have me Yn

"But I don't get bored, I just see it through"

I sighed, his words weren't enough to make me feel better, imagining my life without Kaden, Maia or Raven hurt me deeply, but his touch... His rough fingers gently holding my chin, his thumb running over my lips.

That was enough.

"Why wait for the best when I could have you?"

I simply smiled at him, before lunging forward and kissing his lips, he desperately reciprocated, there was something strange about the kiss, it was so slow and passionate, nothing like the last time where he had absolutely destroyed my lips, now he caressed me with love, almost similar to Albert's kisses...

"You"

His hands traveled to my waist, holding me tightly while I linked my arms behind his neck, my fingers running through his hair, he pulled away for a few seconds to look at me, smile tenderly and kiss me again, now faster, deeper, to the point that I don't know how, I ended up sitting on his lap, he held me by the waist, his hands strictly still on my skin not moving an inch, my lips violently glued to his.

My heart was heavy and swollen, aching for the attention he gave me, deep down wishing this wasn't happening.

But it was happening, I was condemned.

I pulled away for a second, clarity reaching me.

Yn: Mark...

I wanted to explain to him that it didn't feel right that he was a friend to me, that I didn't feel love, a connection, anything.

But then.

Mark: Yn, be my love, let me be your boyfriend...

I looked into Mark's eyes, searching for any sign that he might understand the conflict within me. His gaze was intense, filled with a mixture of desire and vulnerability.

I stroked his cheek and thought for a second, all I could feel was pain, pain at how much I was hurting Mark, pain because I wanted Albert to want me again, pain because I was tired... Too tired to fight it.

Yn: Okay

The word escaped my mouth in a whisper, he smiled widely, his eyes shining in happiness, his joy radiated as he held me tighter, as if he had just won the biggest prize.

I tried to muster a smile, to