Happy Holidays guys. In honor of the holidays, here's some Kam because why the FRICK not

Keefe: Why am I not allowed to have a script?

Peggy: *handing scripts to everyone except Keefe* I'll give you one later. For now, you're not allowed to have any spoilers.

Sophie: *reading the script and giggling*

Keefe: I want to know what's so funny!

Peggy: You will.

Linh: Where's Tam?

Peggy: You'll see. 

Wylie and Marella: And why are we here again?

Peggy: YOU'LL SEE! Just get on stage already.

***Take 1***

Sophie: There! Right there! *pointing at Keefe* Look at that tan, well-tended skin. Look at the killer shape he's in. Look at that slightly stubbly chin! Oh please, he's gay. Totally gay! 

Keefe: I'm sorry, what?

Dex: I'm not about to celebrate. Every trait could indicate, a totally straight expatriate. That guy's not gay. I say, not gay.

Keefe: Thank yo-

Keeper (minus Kam): That is the elephant in the room. Well, is it relevant to assume, that a man who wears perfume is automatically, radically fae?

Fitz: But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.

Sophie: Look at his silk translucent socks.

Dex: There's the eternal paradox. Look what we're seein'.

Linh: What're we seein'?

Dex: Is he gay?

Sophie: Of course he's gay!

Dex: Or European?

Keeper: *turns to look at Keefe again* Ohhhhh.

Keefe: Guys are you serious?

Keeper: *turn to look at each other* Gay or European? It's hard to guarantee. Is he gay or European?

Wylie: Well hey, don't look at me!

Linh: You see, they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports.

Keeper: In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!

Keefe: Come on!

Keeper: Gay or foreign fella? The answer could take weeks! They both say things like "Ciao, Bella" while they kiss you on both cheeks!

Sophie: Oh, please.

Keeper: Gay or European? So many shades of gray!

Wylie: Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.

Keefe: What?

Keeper: Is he gay or European, or-

Biana: There! Right there! Look at that condescending smirk! 

Keefe: *begins talking to a random elf with short hair*

Biana: Seen it on every guy at work! That is a metro, hetero jerk! That guy's not gay. I say, no way!

Keeper: That is the elephant in the room. Well is it relevant to assume, that a hottie in that costume.

Linh: *realizes that Keefe is flirting with that elf* *points it out* Is automatically, radically!

Dex: Ironically, chronically!

Biana: Certainly, flirtingly!

Wylie: Genetically, medically!

Keeper: Gay! Officially gay! Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay-

Elf: *turns around so you can see that she's a girl*

Keeper: DANG IT! Gay or European?

Dex: So stylish and relaxed.

Keeper: Is he gay or European?

Dex: I think his chest is waxed?

Keefe: Dex, what the-

Linh: But they bring their boys up different there! It's culturally diverse! It's not a fashion curse,

Keeper: If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.

Keefe: Guys.

Keeper: Gay or just exotic? I still can't crack the code!

Marella: Yeah, his accent is hypnotic. But his shoes are pointy toed.

Keeper: Huh. Gay or European? So many shades of gray!

Biana: But if he turns out straight, I'm free at eight on Saturday! (A/N: Yes I do realize that this line does not belong to the character I have Biana playing but I didn't want to add anyone else)

Keeper: Is he gay or European? Gay or European? Gay or Euro-

Fitz: Wait a minute! Give me a chance to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try.

Peggy: *hands Keefe a script*

Dex: The floor is yours.

Fitz: *walks over to Keefe* So, Mr. Sencen. This alleged affair with Miss Foster has been going on for...?

Keefe: Three years. (A/N: I think)

Fitz: And your first name again is?

Keefe: Keefe.

Fitz: And your boyfriend's name is?

Keefe: *doesn't look at his script* Tam.

Keeper: *GASP*

Keefe: *realizes his mistake* I- I'm sorry! I misunderstand! You say "boyfriend" I thought you say "best friend". Tam is my... best friend.

Marella: That is the worst lie I've ever heard.

Tam: *shoves aside the curtain* YOU IDIOT! YOU LYING IDIOT!

Keefe: Oh no.

Tam: That's it! I no cover for you no more! Peoples! I have a big announcement!

Keefe: *whispers* Tam, wait please-

Tam: *points accusingly at Keefe* This man is gay AND European!

Keeper: Whoa!

Tam: And neither is disgrace! 

Keeper: Oh.

Tam: *turns to glare at Keefe* You gotta stop your bein' a completely closet case! 

Keeper: Huh.

Tam: *points at Sophie* It's me, not her, he's seein'! No matter what he say! I swear he never, ever ever swing the other way.

Keefe: I-

Tam: *glares at him* You are so gay! You big parfait! You flaming one man cabaret!

Keefe: I'm straight!

Tam: *smirks* You were not yesterday.

Marella: Oop.

Tam: So if I may, I'm proud to say, he's gay!

Keeper: And European!

Tam: He's gay!

Keeper: And European!

Tam: He's gay!

Keeper: And European! And gay!

Tam: *kisses Keefe's cheek*

Keefe: *blushes* Fine, okay! I'm gay!

Everyone: Hooray!

*they hold their poses for about two seconds before all but Keefe burst into laughter*

Sophie: Oh my gnomes!

Biana: That... was the best... one.

Keefe: *still flustered* What's so funny?

Fitz: Well, it's all one big joke isn't it?

Keefe: *opens mouth but no words come out*

Dex: ... Isn't it?

Tam: *leans his head on Keefe's shoulder* Nope.

Keefe: *blushes harder*

Keeper: *silence for a bit*

Linh: OH MY GOSH FINALLY!

Everyone: *jumps*

Linh: The sexual tension has been killing me! It's about time! Tam, I am mad that you didn't tell me. But COME ON! 

Tam: You're... what?

Linh: I'm so glad you guys finally figured out how feeling work! GEEZ! You're worse than Sophie.

Peggy: Falsehood.

Everyone: *jumps and turns to stare at her*

Peggy: Oh, did you guys forget I was here? Well, you're all free to leave if you want. Glad I could work this stuff out for you.

I don't know if I should be saying "I'm sorry" or "You're welcome". Guess we'll stick with: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, and anything else you may be celebrating!

PS: Yes. The video is Sanders Sides. Deal with it.