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track 9

Dejavu by NU'EST

"Are you sure you want to go back now? I thought you were set on doing more... butterfly missions." 

Sangyeon spoke, a mix of emotions, and yet only calmness and sternness could be heard clearly in his voice.

"It's not like I'm going to visit Mom for a long time. Maybe just two days."

Jaehyun neatly folded a pair of pants, placing them in his suitcase.

After walking away that night, the heartbroken agent concluded that he needed to get away from everything for a while.

Especially Juyeon.

He had become attached to the younger so quickly, accepting the protection and comfort he provided without any hesitation;

and all he wanted right now, when he was so hurt, was for that same man to be next to him and tell him that everything would be okay.

However, Juyeon was the same person that hurt him. The same person who was so confusing and unreadable.

Someone in his dream? Didn't he say that his dreams were nightmares?

No matter what... he could still read some things about Juyeon. 

The Reveal agent reciprocated his actions. He went out of his way for Hyunjae. 

In what country is that not a love language?

He couldn't understand what wasn't enough for Juyeon. What made Hyunjae less than whoever he already had in his heart? Was he not good enough? Even though Juyeon saw him everyday while the other person might not even exist?

Why wasn't he enough?

Was it because he tried to combine his undercover life with his public one? Did Juyeon like Hyunjae more than Jaehyun- or the other way around?

Jaehyun worked so hard on himself, to take care of his anxiousness and fear.

He was almost able to say that he was both Hyunjae and Jaehyun, the same person, which was an incredible step for him. 

However, it wasn't enough for Juyeon.

No matter how much overthinking he had done since that night, he wasn't raised to wallow in his sadness.

He would go on living his life, and tend to his problems when his other priorities were over.

He might have been heartbroken, but he was still strong.

And he was happy to go home too.

Being with his Mom was always comforting and made him feel focused and level-headed. Plus, she was planning to move and buy a home more suited for her in older age. The least he could do on behalf of him and Sangyeon was help her.

"You do look tired. Has anyone been bothering you? Is that why you're going? I swear if someone-"

"No one's bothering me. Being back in the combat field has made my anxiety worse again. Like you said before, I shouldn't stay for too long without a break. It's not safe." Hyunjae refuted.

However, all of that was wrong in his mind right now.

Sangyeon was a brother that he could tell anything and everything to.

So why couldn't he tell him the entire truth?

The excuses that he ended up going with were the evident dark eye circles and fidgeting of his older brother as he took even more phone calls, stressed out of his mind. Obviously, he couldn't give him another burden.

And he was an adult now, he could figure out his situation with Juyeon himself.

If there was anything that Jaehyun's last mission taught him, it was that he is still fully capable of being the mafia concierge that he was before his incident. 

Hallucinations were the only thing in his way, the breakdowns a story of the past.

And he was going to hunt down Yves all the way until she finally told him the answers he had been seeking.

Unable to argue with Hyunjae after the younger referenced his own advice, Sangyeon sighed, nodding in acceptance.

"Stay safe then, and say Hi to her for me." He hugged his brother genuinely.

"I will." Jaehyun smiled, ready to start healing again.

- - 

"Jaehyun!"

"Mom!"

Jaehyun hugged the older woman tightly, his suitcase left behind on the driveway as soon as he had spotted her.

"How was your travel here? Are you hungry?" Mrs. Lee led him into his childhood house, making her way to the kitchen to showcase a fresh tray of his favorite cookies.

"You know me so well. That car ride took ages." He exaggerated, sitting down at the kitchen table.

"So insatiable." The woman huffed, but smiled as she watched her son practically inhale the food in front of him. "How's Sangyeon?"

"He's definitely stressed. The other Maverick agents are saying that he's overworking himself. I would be really worried for him usually, but I actually caught him smiling at his phone recently." Jaehyun wiggled his eyebrows, hoping his mother would catch on and not be too worried.

"What do you mean, smiling at his phone?" 

"I mean smiling. Like the blushing, giggling, kicking your feet with heart eyes, kind of smiling. He's definitely seeing someone in secret." He smirked.

"Good for him. He deserves it after having so much stress. Who can even resist that handsome face of his?" She teased, a grin threatening to show that she was happy for him. "What about you, Jae? Did you find a nice man?"

Oh...

I found a man,

but he's not nice.

"No, not yet. I still have a lot to work on, Mom. There's no time to fall in love right now, it's not the right time for me."

There's no time to get hurt.

"Ah, I see. But there's always time to fall in love, Jaehyunie. Both the good and bad things take effort and patience, but there will never only be a perfect time to be in love."

-

"So what do you need me to do first?" Jaehyun clasped his hands together, ready to work. 

"What do you need to do?" His mother looked confused, tilting her head.

As Ms. Lee was getting older, she commonly forgot things, whether it was short term or long term. 

Hyunjae had quickly adapted to this, knowing that not remembering things was frustrating. He took things slow, reminding her of the basics.

"You're moving out, Mom. I'm here to help you move some of the stuff." He said calmly, holding her hand.

"Ah, right~ could you clean your bedroom first? Then start putting Sangyeon's things into boxes. I walked into his bedroom last week to figure out how much I would need to move, and wow! There were so many boxes lying around, especially in his closet." His mom said, animatedly. 

"Wow that's really not like him. He just left everything without making it neat?" Jaehyun questioned, wondering what his brother's intentions were.

"I can't remember what he said when he put them there. I know there was something... important. You should probably take a look at it. Maybe it's old pictures! I saw some poking out." She took a deep breath, before turning to go to her bedroom. "I'm going to take a nap now. I hope you don't regret what you've signed up for."

"Of course not, Mom. This will be fun, I like nostalgia."

-

The chorus of "Sweet" by The Boyz rang through the bedroom, cueing Hyunjae to poke his head up from his spot cleaning the last spot under the bed, freshly-sealed boxes of his childhood items and books piled around him.

This ringtone was specially reserved for Sangyeon's calls, as it was what the older would start rapping when he got drunk.

"My phone... is so... far away..." Jaehyun gasped out over-dramatically, talking to himself, making up an excuse in his mind of why he couldn't accept the phone to not make himself seem lazy.

"He probably wanted to speak to Mom... she's sleeping anyways, he can wait until I'm done with his room too." 

He got up from the floor, dusting his clothes off, and heading to the sliding-door closet, scratch marks from Sangyeon's rough usage.

I remember stealing clothes from here. But now there's only memorabilia boxes. Sangyeon's fashion style changed way too much.

There was a slight struggle of opening the door, given how stuffed the inside of the closet was. Ms. Lee was right, boxes had been shoved inside haphazardly, unsealed and messy.

Maybe I can steal some of these items from his closet instead.

"Monday until Sunday~" The ringtone went off again, but was left to be ignored yet again, as Jaehyun set the heavy box down on the bed, standing in front of it and fishing out the first item inside.

A photo frame?

But it was a familiar picture, one that he'd seen almost too recently.

Silhouettes in front of a sunset.

Four of them.

Just like the one in Eric's room.

He was asking himself more questions with every second he stared at the wood-traced photo, none of which were answered.

Now, he could clearly make out Eric's chiseled face in the left-most silhouette, Juyeon's broad shoulders right beside him.

And then his own built body, on the other side of Juyeon.

Sangyeon's hair getting messed up in the wind on the right-most side.

Jaehyun's hands shook violently as he dug deeper, taking out the next overflowing object from the box.

A key.

HJ ~ JY

Initials were clearly written on it.

And every key needs a lock, right?

More pictures were taken out of the box haphazardly, in the form of polaroids.

One polaroid displays a lock with a matching inscription of initials, written clear as day on it.

There's only one place where a lock would be left like that, attached to a metal pole among other colorful locks.

Another polaroid is of Hyunjae and Juyeon at Namsan Tower.

Holding matching snowglobes.

And standing together with their lock.

"Jaehyun, let's get these snowglobes! I've always wanted one."

"Of course, Ju. You know, when I was a kid, I dreamed about coming up here to put a lock just for Key from SHINee. Luckily, this moment is shared with my actual love instead."

"No.. it can't be him."

How could all of these items be his own?

How could Sangyeon know about this?

Was Juyeon once his?

The air suddenly feels colder, Jaehyun almost shivering at how tight the space around him is, crawling in like a trap.

The last polaroid is also of him and Juyeon.

They're standing to the side of a black motorcycle, helmets tossed to the side.

They're kissing.

His hands are around the younger's neck, almost as if it was practiced. Neither of them spare a look at the camera, engrossed in each other and the smiles on their faces.

Juyeon's hands are possessively holding Hyunjae's waist, covered in the leather jacket he was wearing.

And there's something shiny on Juyeon's finger.

A ring.

Another look at it, and there's a matching ring on Hyunjae's finger.

The dam breaks and Jaehyun is wailing, as if he lost someone close to him.

He did though.

According to these pictures, that he still couldn't make out, he lost himself.

He had been in love with Juyeon.

They were in love with each other.

And judging by the ring, they could have been engaged.

-

[surveillance record transcript : 8-4-2020]

voice 1: you don't deserve to be happy. not after what you've done.

voice 2: you ruined yourself! when are you going to realize that? i'm tired of everyone blaming me for what they couldn't control! what is it with you and kino?

voice 3: you came to our territory first. you knew that we'd be in hongdae. have you thought about the consequences this will have on butterfly?

voice 1: haseul has already betrayed us, the current butterfly is corrupted by your people...

voice 2: what do you mean? haseul betrayed you?

(laughing is heard.)

voice 1: you don't know either? you've been betrayed too then. wait till you find out what your dear brother has done.

voice 2: my brother-?

voice 3: wait. what's in your hands?

voice 1: like i said, if i don't get to reach the top, you shouldn't be allowed to be at the top. 

voice 3: that's a fucking c4 bomb! has that been here this whole time?

voice 2: yves- you can't do this. maverick will destroy you.

voice 1: they can't destroy me if they can't find me. after this, butterfly will be over.

(silence.)

voice 1: along with the two of you.

voice 2: yves get the fuck back here!

(struggling and shouting is heard. a door is opened and closed.)

voice 3: hyung, we're not going to make it.

voice 2: sixty... only sixty seconds?

voice 3: hyung, i'm so sorry.

(quiet crying is heard.)

voice 2: juyeon... what about us? our motorcycle rides, missions, rooftop dates... all taken away by someone uncontrollable. i can't even fight to save you right now. i'm stuck here. and i can't even get close enough to hold your hand when we're going to die.

voice 3: jae, you can see me across from you, right? we're still close, even though we can't touch. please don't cry too much. 

(the crying doesn't stop. sobs are heard from both individuals.)

voice 2: i love you so much juyeon... i'm so sorry that our last days together have been full of pain. i'm sorry that she beat you up instead of me. it made me want to scream.

voice 3: hyung, i would take any pain for you. we've always taken pain for each other. maybe we'll even have matching broken ribs now.

(a sad laugh is heard.)

voice 2: you still look beautiful, even with all the bruises.

voice 3: so do you, jae. 

(a beeping noise starts, warning.)

voice 2: next time we meet, i want to ride a motorcycle with you again. i want to be your rival.

voice 3: and i want to love you endlessly, and protect you from everyone who dares to touch you.

(the beeping noise is prominent and fast.)

voice 3: i love you-

[surveillance lost]

- - - 

AHHHHHHHHHH

there's so much to say, but first of all i'm sorry for ghosting you all for 10 months! this year of my life has been crazy and there was too much going on to even think about writing. however, like i've said in multiple author's notes before, nothing could make me give up on this story-- it's like my child at this point. 

thank you thank you THANK YOU to everyone who:

a) waited so long for the next chapter and still returned <3

b) showed support in the comments and reminded me to come back <3

c) newly started this book and had to deal with the frustrating cliff hanger after binging the chapters <3

i appreciate all of you and i hope you love this chapter which will honestly have to have two parts because this moment is CRITICAL to the story.

this chapter wasn't my best work in my opinion, considering how revealing it is, but i dont think i have the capability to make it the best right now, so we'll stick with this so that you guys can continue with the plot. 

now actual story commentary:

RAHHHHHH THEY ACTUALLY HAVE HISTORY THINGS GO DEEPER IN THE PAST 

the way i had to rewrite the ending transcript multiple times to find the most believable and fluid way to incorporate an explosion scene is crazy thank goodness for non-dialogue sections because i was not about to label their actions.

ANYWAYS TY FOR READING AS ALWAYS AND FEEL FREE TO SCREAM AT ME ANYWHERE

(also, this is still #1 in jujae i'm like honored.)