"The deepest pain I've ever felt was denying my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable." - Nicole Lyons

Todd's POV
Todd was sure his face would be permanently stained red because of Charlie Dalton. As soon as the others were gone he chucked the magazines, if you could call them that, underneath his bed and desperately tried to forget the images of the women inside them. Todd rubbed his eyes tiredly as his day caught up with him. He had to not only suffer through a family dinner in a couple of days, but he and Neil were still fighting. Todd felt his annoyance spike as he thought about their argument. Neil didn't understand. Todd's business was his business and no one else's.

I'll share what I want to, Todd thought angrily, even as he knew Neil had shared a lot about his own life with him.

Neil's father wanted him to get into one of those Ivy League schools and then move on to medical school, which would be a wonderful and terribly ambitious thing if Neil had wanted that for himself. Neil was much too free-spirited to become some stuffy doctor. Neil spoke to Todd passionately in the dead of night about his interest in the arts. Theatre exactly. Neil talked about auditioning for a Shakespeare play being put on at the local theatre, and Todd really had no doubts that he'd get a park. Then there was the stories of Violet, his seven-year old sister. How they played make-believe together, and how Neil often was the one who took care of Violet when she was sick because his parents were too busy rubbing elbows with the elites of the town. Yes, Todd knew a lot about Neil's homelife, and he also knew he was behaving unfairly by denying Neil some information about his own. They were roommates! Best friends even! Yet Todd couldn't bring himself to talk to Neil about the dark shadow his brother cast over him or how his parents ignored him.

It's because I'm ashamed.

Todd didn't want Neil knowing because he didn't want his pity. Todd didn't want to look into Neil's bright eyes and see them dull with concern. Todd groaned softly as he flopped into his bed and hid under the covers as the reality hit him. He didn't want Neil to worry about him. It'd be useless anyway. There was nothing he could do to help Todd so he decided the best route was not to tell Neil. It was stupid he knew, but Todd was too stubborn to give in. Besides, he was genuinely angry that Neil had the gall to pressure him into talking about it when he obviously didn't wish to.

Todd squeezed his eyes tightly as he felt another headache coming on. Too tired to care anymore, Todd lulled himself into a deep sleep where all his dreams were empty.

They hadn't spoken for the remainder of the week. Todd ignored Neil, and Neil returned the favor. Todd knew the others felt the tension between them. Cameron had tried to play the mediator, but Todd refused and escaped into the library, which is where he spent most of his days now. Then Saturday came, and Todd began to snap at everyone. He was right anxious about tonight. Of course he also knew it was unfair of him to act so childish once again, yet he couldn't bring himself to stop it. He felt too sick about the family dinner tonight, and he had  even weighed his options about ditching it all together, but he knew that was impossible since Mr. Keating would be the one taking him to his house.

Silently, Todd dressed as Neil sat in his bed reading. The hairs on the back of his neck rose as Todd felt Neil's eyes following him. Todd felt his stomach clench for some odd reason because Neil's eyes never left him. Finally irritated with his starring, Todd spoke up.

"Is there something you wanted?"

Neil didn't answer and Todd didn't press. Whatever was bugging Neil was not his problem. However, Todd was forced to confront Neil when he suddenly stood up and invaded his personal space. Todd felt surprised by the obvious anger in Neil's stance and his darkened eyes. He couldn't recall ever seeing him so fed up with anything before.

"What's wrong with you?!" He shouted in Todd's face.

Todd's face screwed up in rage as all his pent up emotions from past week came spilling out. "Me? You're the one who doesn't know when to mind their own business!"

"You've been acting so strange lately. I'm worried about you! You won't talk to me," Neil's voice started strong, but faded into a softer tone that further infuriated Todd.

"Well you haven't exactly gone out of your way either."

They stood facing each other, each breathing heavily and glaring at the other. Before anything else could be said, a gentle knock sounded through the room.

"Todd, you ready to go?" Mr. Keating asked.

At first, Todd didn't acknowledge the man. He sounded a million miles away as Todd saw Neil's anger fade until a look of betrayal was plastered on his face. Todd swallowed thickly, guilt racking through his body. However, Mr. Keating knocked once more and it vanished. Todd turned sharply away from Neil and walked briskly out of their room, Mr. Keating following closely behind him. Todd flinched as a loud thud echoed throughout the hallway, and he knew that Neil had thrown the book he'd been reading angrily at the wall. Todd hunched over, his eyes falling to the ground. He didn't notice the way Mr. Keating eyes flickered back and forth between Todd and their room, all the while sporting a concerned frown.

The car ride to his house was a quiet one, as Todd had hoped it would be. He had no wish to make small talk when he was on the verge of being overwhelmed with both guilt and dread. He couldn't get Neil's damned agonized face out of his mind or the inevitable misery this family dinner would bring him. Upon arriving to his house, Todd attempted to exit the car, but was stopped by his teacher. Mr. Keating reached across his body and closed the passenger door just as Todd had opened it.

"Look, I'm sorry Mr. Keating but I really--" Todd pleaded, desperately trying to get out of interrogation the man was about to inflict on him.

"I'm afraid I can not ignore this. Charlie and Knox came to me asking about Neil and you. They said there was some...tensions between you."

"We're justing fighting. All friends fight every once in awhile," Todd grumbled, looking out the window towards his house.

"I think this is more than a fight Todd. You've been ignoring each other all week."

Todd's jaw clenched tight, but he didn't answer. Mr. Keating sighed and opened the passenger door. "I can't make you tell me about it, but know Todd that I'm here for you whenever you want to talk."

"Thank you Mr. Keating," Todd said before bolting out of the car.

Todd took a couple calming breaths before forcing a smile on his face and entered his house. The rush of warm air was welcomed, and Todd heard the laughing voices of his family coming from their living room. He stood in the entranceway feeling very much like an outsider as he watched the scene in front of him. His father and mother sat in the cream colored couch facing away from him, laughing loudly at something his brother was saying. Todd felt even sicker as he gazed at his brother sitting in an armchair. Jeffery's blonde hair had darkened, but his smile was still ever so blinding. He'd also filled out more, Todd noticed, as he saw his brother's wide shoulders and thick arms underneath his white button up shirt. Next to Jeffery was obviously the girlfriend his mother told him about. Her dark brown hair was curled and cascading softly over her right shoulder. She wore a light pink dress, and stared adoringly at Jeffrey as he continued his tale. Todd couldn't chase off the feeling that she fit in better in this scene than he did.

Jeffery was the first who took notice of Todd and stood happily to greet him.

"Todd! Good to see ya," he said while clapping Todd painfully on his left shoulder.

Todd's mother and father greeted him next with light kiss on the cheek and another shoulder clamp. Todd smiled uncomfortably at his family.

"Todd," Jeffrey said, pulling the girl to his side, "meet Sylvia. She's my girl."

Sylvia giggled at Jeffrey's words, playfully knocking him in the chest as she said, "Jeff you didn't tell me how adorable your brother was."

Todd blushed bright red at her words and stuttered out a small thank you. The room fell into an awkward silence as his family waited on Todd to say more. Perhaps they were expecting him to start talking about how swell Sylvia seemed or inquire about Jeffery's time in Chicago, but Todd did either. He didn't care. The faster this show got on the road the faster he could get back to Welton.

After a moment, Todd's mother cleared her throat and said that dinner could be served now that he was here. With Todd rearing the back, the all filed into the dining room and settling around the table. Todd's mother and father sitting at the head, Sylvia and Jeffery sitting on one side, and Todd sitting alone on the other across from Jeffrey. His family happily chattered away around him. No one asked him about Welton, his friends, or anything else; Todd sat in silence as he gazed at different items on the table. Todd tuned out the conversations his mother and Sylvia were having about the latest fashion. He couldn't hear what Jeffrey and their dad were whispering about but they seemed to be in a deep conversation. It wasn't until Jeffrey practically yelled at him that Todd realized that his family had been trying to get his attention.

"Hmmm?"

"I said do you have a girl yet?" Jeffrey asked, leaning forward to brace his elbows on the table.

Todd felt suddenly trapped as his family pinned him down with eager eyes. Was the room getting hotter? Todd pulled at his collar as he spoke, his voice shaky, "N-no. I haven't."

Everyone fell back, disappointment hanging thick in the air.

"Well you will soon I bet!" His mother said, taking a sip of water. "In no time I bet you'll be settling down. Getting a wife of your own." Todd's mother was addressing him, yet she said the words while watching Sylvia and Jeffrey.

Jeffrey smirked proudly at the now blushing, giggly Sylvia before throwing his arm around her and giving her a loud smack on the cheek. Todd felt like he was sitting in a sauna as he fanned his face with his hand. He couldn't imagine being with a girl, let alone actually marrying one. He's never gotten along with them. It was like trying to get along with someone speaking to you in a foreign language.

"Are you sure there's no one? You look quite flustered," Sylvia teased.

There's Neil. Todd thought before he could help himself. The world stopped as he froze with terror. His stomach lurched up into his throat as he scrambled from the table and out into the cold air. His family had shouted after him, but Todd stood hunched over with his hands on his knees as he desperately gasped for breath. Images of Neil flashed before him like a movie. He saw Neil laughing, reading, sleeping. He saw Neil looking worryingly down at him as he fought off a cold. Todd saw Neil grasping his hands in his, and felt himself yearning for more. Oh God he was sick. He had to be! Something was seriously wrong with him if he thought...if he thought of his friend that way.

Todd fell back onto the stone steps of his front porch, closing his eyes tightly. Tears welled up in them as he finally understood where all this anger towards Neil was coming from. He didn't want a wife, or a girlfriend. He wanted Neil to recite poetry in the cave. He wanted Neil making tea for him even if he hated the stuff, just because Neil was worried about him. Todd wanted to trust Neil and share every thought he's ever had with him. Todd's bottom lip quivered as he felt the weight of the world fall upon him. They couldn't be friends if Todd continued to think of him in this perverted way.

Todd jumped as he felt a familiar brushing on his left leg. He gave a strained smile as the  tabby cat he's been taking care of for the past couple years rubbed his body against Todd's. Todd picked the tabby up and cuddled it tightly to his chest. He held the cat as if it was an buoy keeping him from getting swept off into the riptide. Gene purred and butted his head against Todd's chin.

"What am I gonna do Gene?" He mumbled brokenly into the cat's fur.

I have to stay away from Neil.