WARNING: MATURE CONTENT AHEAD

"Hey Jazz, Remmey home?"

I shook my head no and opened the screen door for him. "He be back soon, though."

Rico ran his tongue slowly, thoughtfully over his teeth and inched his eyes enticingly down the front of my blouse. Then he stepped inside. But when he saw Claire sitting on the sofa holding Sammy and giving him the evil eye, he kind of hesitated and stayed where he was. Rico looked around quickly, like he was nervous...like he was checking to see who else was around, and then he took another step back.

"Naw, just..." his voice trailed off.

"Want me to tell him you lookin' for him?"

Rico smiled at me and shook his head no. He had a nice smile. From what I had seen in the short time that I had been there, every woman blushed when he flashed his smile their way. I was no different. Claire was probably the only one in the whole city who wasn't charmed by him. She didn't like Rico.

Or Ruby.

At all.

"You look good, Jazz." He let his eyes explore me once again, and I felt a tingling sensation every place that his gaze lingered just a little too long.

I won't say that I didn't like it.

I smiled back at him and closed the door when he finally stepped away and walked to his car.

"I don't trust him, Jazz."

I rolled my eyes at my sister. "I know you don't."

"Jazz...don't let him...be around you when Remmey ain't home home. He trouble. I know he is." She eyed me while the baby reached her pudgy hand up and grabbed at my sister's hair. Claire pried the baby's fingers from her beautiful curls and kissed the baby's hand. "You too open, Jazz." She put her full attention back on me. "You too open, and you too hot." Her eyes pinned mine, like she knew exactly what I was thinking about Rico right at that moment, and then she went back to the baby. "He trouble, Jazz. Leave him alone."

Easy for her to say. She had Christian. And the baby. Most of the time Remmey didn't even come home until late at night or early the next morning. I had no idea where he was or what he did while he was away, and I was too afraid to ask. Some things I just...didn't want to know about. Some things he had already told me not to ask about. Besides that, he wasn't really my man. And from what I had seen about Ruby, she was kind of with...everybody.

So, Rico couldn't have been hers, just like I couldn't have been Remmey's.

Claire just needed to mind her own business.

I watched her and the baby for a minute and felt a weird pang of emptiness. Not that I wanted what she had. I just...wanted to belong to someone, too. I wanted someone to call me theirs, like Christian did Claire.

Like the baby did Claire.

So I wouldn't feel so...out there.

All the time.

I watched Claire, who seemed to glow more the longer she stared into her baby's eyes, like she was overwhelmed with love, and then I went to the back room to lay down.

There wasn't much else to do around there.

The boredom engulfed me more every day and made me feel like I was drowning. It made me nervous, and at the same time, made me feel very, very...empty. I needed something to occupy my time, before I went crazy.

I thought about Rico again, and the way I could feel his hands on me, every time he looked at me, without him having ever touched me. I imagined how it would feel if he did touch me with his hands, if only his eyes could make me feel like this.

I wanted to get next to him and find out more about him.

But, I told myself, I didn't want anything more than that.

I knew that was a lie, though, even as I told it.

Remmey didn't come home until almost two in the morning the day Rico came by. Claire and I were still up. The baby was asleep in the third bedroom, which we had turned into a nursery.

Remmey was covered in blood.

Again.

Claire acted like she didn't even notice.

She smiled and said goodnight as he passed by her. I stood up and followed him to our bedroom and closed the door behind us. Then I stood by the door, waiting for him to undress.

"Rico don't know what the fuck he doin'," Remmey said, handing his bloody shirt to me. "I have to get this shit straight before he lose all my money." For the first time in days, Remmey looked into my eyes and then took a step closer to me. "You alright?"

I nodded.

He ran his fingers down my cheek. "I know you hate this. I won't come home like this again." I dropped my eyes and nodded. He had already read too much in them.

Remmey caught my arm before I left to scrub his shirt with baking soda, and then soak it in peroxide.

"Jazz," he stepped closer to me. I noticed that his pants and shirt were bloody, but his hands and shoes were clean. There was no blood on his face, either. He motioned from his eyes to mine. "They different here. Don't let anyone make you drop your eyes." He moved in closer and kissed me softly on the mouth. "Don't want anyone to take advantage," he murmured against my lips, and then pulled away to look back into my eyes.

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him about Rico coming by, but I didn't.

I don't know why.

Remmey looked at me like he already knew.

I dropped my eyes again.

Remmey lifted my face back up to his and motioned from his eyes to mine.

Then he kissed me again.

And took his bloody shirt out of my hands and dropped it on the floor.

He took his time unbuttoning my blouse and dropped it down next to his shirt. I unzipped my skirt and stepped out of it, and then stepped closer to him and unzipped his jeans. He stepped out of them and led me by the hand to the bathroom.

I turned on the shower.

He stepped out of his underwear and undid my bra. My breasts were barely out before they were in his mouth. He licked and sucked and squeezed until I was panting with anticipation. I quickly jerked my panties down over my trembling legs, and then stepped out of them and into the tub.

Remmey followed.

The water was too hot.

Neither one of us noticed.

Without a word he grabbed me firmly underneath my thighs and lifted me up against the shower wall. He was inside of me before my other foot lifted from the tub.

I closed my eyes and sighed in relief as the tension eased out of me.

Remmey moaned and whispered my name over and over. Then he lifted me higher and started bouncing me up and down. He was pumping like he was trying to make a baby. I felt him all the way in my womb and wanted him to stay there.

He opened his eyes, like I had spoken my desperation out loud and then he stared directly into me. His gaze warmed my soul. He hadn't looked at me like that in a long time. He barely looked at me at all.

"I don't touch you enough," he whispered.

I don't know what made him say that, and I wasn't even sure how he knew. But it was true, he didn't. I didn't answer him, though. I just closed my eyes as my body started to shake and I waited anxiously for that numb feeling to soothe my troubled waters. The feeling that made everything else...

Disappear.

Remmey watched me and he didn't move until I came. Then he picked both of my feet up off the tub floor and slammed me up against the wall as he forced himself even further into me. I whimpered and tears fell, but I begged him not to stop.

I needed this.

I needed to have my senses overloaded. That was the only way that I could get the level of high that I needed to become completely and totally numb. I was always chasing it, but only sometimes found it.

I wanted to feel everything and nothing at the same time.

I needed to feel like I was...not there.

Like I had never been born.

Like I was just off in space somewhere floating around like I...didn't give a damn.

About anything.

Remmey knew exactly what I needed, like he always did, and gave it to me over and over and over again. I screamed out his name and didn't care if Claire heard us. I didn't even care if I woke the baby up.

I just wanted him to keep pushing.

As far into me as he could go.

When I started shaking again, so did Remmey. He bit my shoulder and growled "Jazz!" as his fingers dug into my hips. Then he whimpered into my neck.

We both came at the same time.

I felt like I was on the moon.

And then he put me gently back down on the tub floor and made sure that my legs were sturdy before kissing me softly and turning back into the water to wash the rest of his sins from his body.

I stepped out of the shower, got dressed, and left to scrub the blood from his clothes.