KARA'S POV

The next day, we go to the lakes for cliff diving and it's hot enough to swim but cool enough for a picnic. Jacob lays his towel next to mine on the shore as the boys play frisbee, splashing lake water over the watermelon cuts.

"Help me out?" I say, tossing him the sunscreen. He catches it easily.

"Yeah I think I can do that."

He settles behind me, and I peel off my shirt at the click of the cap opening. Leah catches all of it and shakes her head. You sly dog she mouths. I shrug as my best what can I say? and close my eyes. Jacob's hands are warm like the sun as he smooths the sunscreen over my back. Somehow, I almost shiver.

"Can I ask you something?" he says casually in a tone that means trouble.

"You can ask."

"Did you and Dean ever, I don't know," he pauses, but rubs my shoulders as he thinks. I let out a long sigh.

"No."

"I was going to say kiss." he says in defense, but I turn around to face him, eyebrows raised.

"Why did you gear up to it then?" I laugh.

"I mean it's not really my favorite thing to consider either way." he says. "I just don't know what your relationship with him even was."

"I don't really either. We only kissed twice by your definition." I say with a note both sad and playful. "Not that I asked for it. Not that I kissed him back."

"I'd think it'd be like kissing a rock." he replies helpfully.

"Pretty close." I run a hand over my face, but he pries it away. Wordlessly, he dots the sunscreen across my forehead and trails a thick line down my nose until I'm not even thinking of sadness anymore.

"I shouldn't have said anything. It doesn't matter anymore." he murmurs.

"Well it's your turn then. Have you ever been in love?" I ask. He squints at me, pursing his lips thoughtfully to the side. I take the sunglasses out of my own hair and settle them over his eyes. He laughs, but doesn't take them off.

"Once. I was so in love I didn't think anything else mattered, but no matter what I did...it was never going to be me." he explains.

"So she was in love with someone else? What happened?"

"She married him. You'd be surprised if I told you now, but Bella was different when I knew her. We played together when we were kids." he says. It takes a minute for me to register the fact he's talking about Bella Cullen. He must see the surprise on my face because he runs his thumbs across my cheekbones, smoothing away the sunscreen and the expression. "That's ancient history though."

"Did you ever..." I trail off, biting my lip. Just as he's about to answer, I add, "kiss?"

"Ha ha. Twice by your definition." he says. I want to ask him about anything else, but I don't want to say it. "I had a couple of flings afterwards, but nothing serious. Nothing more than physical."

"Oh." I say. I want to ask a million things now. Did he have flings in the past two years? Do I want to know? What would I even want him to say?

"Alright, I can tell that was kind of a bomb drop for you, so now it's your turn. Was there anyone outside Dean?" he asks, braver than I am. I'm about to answer when Paul and Brady rush over, hauling giant buckets sloshing on the sides. They dump the cold water over our heads and I gasp, feeling it to a deeper degree than ever before.

"Looked like you needed that. Hear it's a PG beach." Paul says, already sprinting back. We chase him to the lake shore, but midway there I leap up and grab the frisbee as it soars towards Seth. I throw it as hard as I can at Paul and he barely catches it before it hits him in the chest. He looks at me with murder in his eyes.

"Oh you're in for it now." he says and suddenly I'm the one being chased. I grab Kim and Emily and we run up the lowest jump off point of the cliff. We're shrieking with laughter as we jump off and then everyone is back in the water in a perfect day.

"Kara! Let's come back here for your birthday next week!" Leah suggests, wading next to me. Everyone else is already busy dunking each other under the water and placing bets on Kim, Emily, Jared and Sam's game of chicken.

"I would love that, but I promised to spend it with the Cullens." I say. That turns a few heads. Leah blinks like she doesn't quite hear me right.

"You're not serious, are you?"

"They saved my life. They're...kind of family in a weird way. Well at least I lived with them for long enough. In a weird way." I try to explain. "But I'm sure Esme wouldn't mind if you all came too. I'm sure she'd love it."

"That's not going to happen." she says flatly. I furrow my eyebrows. "We'll celebrate separately. They don't need you for the whole day."

"Okay." I say hesitantly, still reeling from the rejection of it. We spend the rest of the day in the lake, playing games and pretending like I didn't say anything about the Cullens at all. When it gets darker, we all go to dry off on the shores and split to grab the cars.

"I haven't forgotten." Jacob says. We're strolling down the path, sharing the towel that still has dry parts. He lets me use most of it on my hair. "Have you ever been in love?"

I glance at him, and I swear he's golden in the light of the sunset. I've never seen anyone more beautiful. No one even comes close. I look at the ground again, wringing our my hair.

"No." I say quietly, although I guess it's not really true anymore. I lighten my tone and continue, "I hear it's painful though. Care to comment?"

"Sure, I'm becoming quite the expert." he says easily, taking my hand as we keep walking. I duck underneath our arms so I'm cradled to his side. "It's suffering until it's not."

"That's love? Suffering until it's not?"

"Well when it's not, it's really good. Speaking as an 'expert,' of course." he laughs. I muse on that for a minute, thinking I've had a good amount of both in my lifetime. We don't talk anymore about love on the rest of the walk, and neither of us ask what this is. The way it feels to be together doesn't need words.

We pull up to my house and I can feel all of today's excitement waning. It's not a slow ebb though, it feels like a storm cloud kept far at bay. Heavy, looming and dangerous. But also, far out. I don't realize Jacob is talking to me until he parks.

"Kara? You okay?"

"Yeah. Better than okay." I say, and it's true. But it's another one of those times where I wonder just how long that can last.

"Is this goodnight?"

"It's goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow if that makes it better." I say. He smiles and just for laughs I dodge his kiss and open the door. "Sorry. I need insurance you won't stand me up."

"I think you're safe on that."

"You can never be too careful."

"Agree to disagree."

I turn and stop teasing him, and he pulls my face to his. These days, his touch has become all consuming. I didn't know I could have wanted him more but I do. And I slide back across the seat to him, shutting my door again in the process. He takes the opportunity to claim his insurance I won't stand him up tomorrow and if I wasn't a coward, I'd invite him inside right now. But I am, and I don't have the courage. If he comes in, I know I won't stop myself so I pull back and lean my forehead against his.

"I should go." I sigh.

"Goodnight and I'll see you tomorrow." he grins. I really do go inside this time, feeling heavier and lighter than ever at the same time. It's crazy, I haven't felt normal since this whole two years thing. Is this what happens when you come out of a supernatural coma? What did Carlisle even do to me? How did I even wake up?

I don't want to think about it anymore but the questions I've been putting off keep coming. I know I'll have to ask them soon. Because this good feeling can only last so long.

Because the void of no answers feels like going mad.