This was dumb. The idea that this might actually work out was a stupid oversight. I should have just let Thea win her game and moved on with my life.  But for some reason, I always just have to play out the game so I can have a stupid win and feel like I am not a huge failure. 

Seeing Grayson's reaction was a real wake-up call to how truly screwed up in the head I was.

Who lets a girl get dressed up like a dead person who the two closest people in your life dated?

I do apparently.

I don't know what triggered me more, Avery or Grayson. Both of them look as if someone killed everything important to them.

Avery was frantic. She had no clue what she did wrong. Not until she was told and stumbled away from us.

Grayson just looked destroyed and for some reason, a tiny part of me broke inside. I knew he wasn't better. I knew he was still hurting. The pain I saw on his face reminded me of everything that I could have done to help. Everything that I never did.

Emily was always trying to get me to disappear and sometimes I would. Days where it hurt too much to be near people. People who had no idea.

When Emily died I was walking along the rooftop's edge, wondering if anyone cared.

I had been ignoring the world for the past day and a half and just wanted a reason why I should keep living in my little bubble of lies.

Letting myself ignore the world caused me to avoid any contact, so I could not get Rebecca's calls, which were trying to get me to stop Grayson and make sure he didn't take Emily to the cliff.  

Ever since I was younger I always had a bad feeling about October 18th. It proved itself to be the bad omen it truly was years ago. 

It is a death day.

I slipped past a few more of the crowd until I got near the bathroom. Then, I watched Thea walk out the door and head toward the chattering crowd.

She wasn't smiling. She was as broken as I suspected.

The second I got in the bathroom I could see how much of a mess Avery was.

She was fiddling with the clasp of her necklace trying to get it off.

I walked into her sightline, "Stop."

She jumped back a step and stared at me, "Are you going to hurt me?"

I tilted my head, "Maybe if you don't be quiet."

I moved right behind her and unclasped the necklace.

Her head turned slightly, "Thank you."

She seemed to have calmed a little but inside she was still distressed.

"Look," I spoke, "you won't be able to take your hair down or change without alerting the press," I continued, "If you do change it can ruin your image sending gossip sites wild about the reasons why you did. You just have to stay put."

Her panic turned into confusion fast, "Did you know about this?"

"Yes," I deadpanned. It didn't matter to me if Avery thought I was a bad guy. If she continued to hide in this bathroom it would be worse for everyone.

"What? Why didn't you warn me?"

I shrugged, "No one listened. I said something about it at the boutique."

She looked stunned trying to go through her memory to find the words I spoke.

"Are we sure we should be listening to Thea? Something tells me she does not have anyone's best interest at heart."

"You never told me this would happen," Avery spoke louder this time anger creeping up on her.

"If I told you I lost."

"What?"

"Jameson is right. Everything is a game to be played. People get used as tools and you can't do anything about it. If you want to win, you have to start playing properly. In any game that matters most the only way to play is to live it. Put in everything you have to win," I placed a hand on her shoulder, "I can't lose again. I won't."

I left before she could reply. I waited for a second to see Alisa go in to collect her. Avery didn't understand my advice yet but she would when she figured out the game.

—------------------------

When I walked back everyone was back at the tables. My brother had kindly saved me a spot between him and Grayson. I did not feel like sitting there and pretending right now.

I did know one person who tended to show up late for events or not show his face. 

—-------------------------

Most of the gallery was closed off. All the lights were dimmed but one corridor. There was a bright light taunting me to enter.

I walked through the doorway to see Jameson pacing up and down the corridor. His suit jacket had been abandoned and he was disappointed and mildly distressed.

"Do you ever wish you could go back in time?" I ask.

No response.

"Jameson?"

He lets out a long sigh before putting the heels of his hands on his eyes.

"Jameson?"

"Annabelle."

I tilt my head and walk towards him, "Did you know sometimes I am completely clueless and have no idea what I am doing or if I am even doing anything worthwhile?"

He stops pacing and turns to me.

"I wish I could start over."

"Why?" Jameson questions.

I look around the room avoiding the question for a second before replying, "To fix it."

"You can't fix everything."

Those four words cut deep. It suddenly felt like everything was broken. Jameson was right. I would never be able to fix all the pain I have caused or anyone else caused. No matter how hard I try to erase any of it, some of the pain will stay. Some of it will cling onto you until there is too much weight to hold. There is no way I can take any more weight from someone else.

"I wish I could try," My voice cracked.

Jameson shook his head, "I know you don't want to do this last hunt because you think it will destroy everything but I want you there," He paused, "Just if you can do one thing for me, please just be there."

"I'll think about it," somehow I am on the verge of crying. I really need to leave. Badly. "I have to find Ethan."

Jameson didn't say anything when I left. He just let me go.

I always wanted to fix things. I felt it was my duty as I had already ruined so many people's lives from a young age.

When I was little, I was convinced I would one day climb to the top of the lighthouse in my town. After school, three times a week, my sister would cheer me on as I tried to climb up. The old man who lived at the lighthouse was grumpy and didn't trust any technology or any people. He didn't mind the two of us. He even gave me a high five once when I made it higher than I had ever gone before.

I never was able to reach the top.

It makes no sense why I wanted to do it so badly other than control.

From the time I was 7 to 9 years old, going to the lighthouse and climbing up was the only thing that made sense.

I craved control.

I am now able to gain control of most situations. When I was younger I was struck in a loop of fear and sadness that I was never able to solve. 

The more control I can get of anything the more the situation affects me.

That never made sense to me. For some reason, it was how my mind worked. 

It was too complicated and it made things hurt more.

It just made me go back in time when I was 8 and trying to climb up a stupid lighthouse.

A/n

SCHOOL IS OVER

I am so excited I have my hockey tournament tomorrow.

anyway

Hope you liked it.