Normally, we'd skip lunch to go straight to the plaza and I usually went there with some of the members of Zhiro. Despite how much I acted feminine, I tried to surround myself with boys so I could mimic their habits. An analogy to all the vegetables we were forced to eat as children. 

Here's another if-then statement: if you keep eating it, then you'll start to believe you like it. And when you believe it, maybe it becomes true. I still get attracted to girls, I believed, and I still considered myself a boy. I just thought people would believe that too.

The sky was a seamless blue and the air was dry in the plaza when I heard a group of my classmates talking about Celina, the popular girl.

"Have you seen her new post?" one of the girls beside me asked.

"She's really pretty," Emma, another girl, said.

"I had a crush on her since the first time I saw her," Marcus joined in as we passed by them on the stairs.

"Yeah, she's my crush too." I accidentally spoke out loud and immediately wished I could take it back.

At first, I thought they didn't notice but I was detained when they said, "Ows?"

I took a step back and thought I could slip away with a false smile. However, Emma added as if a postscript in a letter. "Aren't you gay?"

Then I was shot. That question hit me like a stray bullet. I was expecting it but it always caught me off guard.

What gave it away? I always asked myself. Was it my voice? Was it my unnatural femininity? I tried to pick the perfect answer because it doesn't seem like it's just a question of yes or no. But maybe all I've been doing—all that contemplation—was futile.

My thoughts ricocheted inside my head before I could catch any of them. Walking up the concrete stairs, it felt so high that I couldn't climb it. There were no clouds in the sky but the plaza started to darken as my classmate's eyes lingered on me.

I swallowed my spit.

They all looked like strangers watching me eat. Altogether, holding their breath and waiting for me to finish—or choke myself to death.

"No, I'm not," I finally answered. A compulsive lie, expertly executed, as I have been doing since I can't remember. It felt like drowning but once I reached out for air, I realized I still couldn't breathe. I thought if I keep telling people I'm not, then maybe they—as well as myself—would start to believe my denials.

At last, the curtains were closing and we were ready to move on about and forget that moment. But a voice emerged somewhere, as if asking for an apology and giving an excuse for a bad show.

"No, he's not," Crimson reiterated just inside of earshot. "Right Uly?"

"Y-yeah," I stammered. He swerved an arm around my shoulder just as he usually did when we were on the balcony. But I gazed downward to hide my face.

All I'm thinking was he didn't have to stand up for me. Was I already taking too much advantage of him? Yet, right now, he was rescuing me again.

"Besides, you can still like anyone you want whatever or whoever you are," Crimson pointed out that made everyone silent.

He didn't have to say anything more but soon I was able to step up on the stairs. All the same, I caught a pang of guilt when I looked at his innocent face. But I suppose I didn't have to because that may as well be the last time.

_____

As for the pen that Crimson gave me, I held onto it and still used it in Grade 9 from time to time. Then came August, when the school fulfilled its proper schedule of the upper grades to the afternoon. To put it simply, we would finally get to experience the afternoon shift.

I was partly excited regardless of having to deal with another adjustment. We also had to transfer rooms from Main to Annex so we had to postpone our classes.

Early that morning, when I saw Crimson with our classmates going to the Annex, I waved a hand at him. Our eyes undoubtedly met but he turned his glance away ever so casually. That was when I first discerned something was up. He snubbed me.

Baffling as it was, I turned to think that maybe it's one of his pranks. I went on to our classroom on the second floor to sign in the attendance. I saw a card was still stuck on the roof when I surveyed the room. It made me smile but it faded instantly when I noticed the pen I'm using to write didn't have ink anymore. 

Then I noticed, I wrote 2013 instead of 2014 with the same blue pen that Crimson gave me. I put it down on the table and looked for an alternative under the table or behind the blackboard. Moments later, I figured someone was already offering me a pen. He towered over me with his eyes slanted like bamboo leaves. Of all people, it was Mix!

"Here," he said. It was a black panda pen.

"Thanks!" I blurted as I stooped once more to correct my urgent mistake. But when I glanced over, he was gone and Crimson's blue-ink pen was gone!

Guessing Mix was headed to the Annex, I ran as fast as I can. I didn't have the chance to brood over what's the matter with Crimson because something stepped over to rattle my existence.

On that same day, I remember now that it was Wednesday because I was wearing my white t-shirt uniform. That day was also bright and humid because it just rained and not a single leaf of tree was moving. The whole place was like under a veil of white clouds. On the tennis court, an array of sand-papered armchairs were already coated with reddish-brown varnish and stacked like bookshelves. 

As per requirement, I halted my pursuit of Mix and proceeded to choose mine inside the maze of armchairs.

But nothing could have been more unexpected, more unnerving. When a raspy voice behind my ears stole my breath. Because the words it uttered sent shivers down my spine. And to this day, I still remember it as clearly as my name.

It said, "Tabi tayo mamaya."

Sit next to me later.