Another week later was our Christmas Party. The sky was gray that afternoon but it was sultry, so I almost regretted putting on an all-black outfit: shirt, pants, shoes, even my sunglasses so I looked like a rock star. Plus, silver watch, rings, and necklace but I removed it when I was at the metal stairs and only left the watch because it seemed over the top. 

I walked into the classroom and my classmates were already complimenting my brusque fashion. Many stepped on my shoes to "bless them," saying, "Binyagan na yan!" Irritating.

All the chairs were pushed back to the wall again, revealing the polished floor. Gold strips of foil hung on the ceiling as streamers and a "Merry Christmas & Happy New Year" sign was doodled on the blackboard. 

A Christmas song was playing on the speaker operated by Blinkey who's wearing a Pikachu hat and three-fourth shirt. The food was on one side near the blackboard and so was the gifts laden on the teacher's table, so I went there and put mine on the pile.

I spun my eyes in the room. There was Avi in a dress, Francine too, while Chivvy was in an elf costume. Arvin and Van wore casual attires, while Marcus looked like a celebrity with his suit. Mix came towards me wearing a green shirt printed with a tuxedo - making it look semi-formal. 

He was grinding an ice cube in his mouth but I heard him compliment me, "Ampogi mo, you look handsome."

Not to refute it and also not to accept, I said, "Mas pogi ka, you're more handsome."

"Merry Christmas," I told him, and he also said the same thing. But I knew he was expecting something more. 

That's when Crimson, who really did visit, announced to the class, "It's Mix's birthday!" 

Crimson was wearing something similar to my outfit. Our adviser was delighted to hear the news and afterward, we sang Mix a happy birthday song. 

I turned to him and punched him lightly on his arm, "Why didn't you say so," I protested, "I could've gotten you a better present." 

Mix shrugged, then he spread his arms wide and latched me in an embrace. It's been a long time since we did that so there's a caution that someone might see us again.

"Happy Birthday," I said as we tapped each other's back and casually released each other.

"Thanks," he replied in an unsatisfied way, like he wanted another hug.

If so, he got it immediately during the party games. We chose each other as partners in all of it. Except for the games that needed groups: longest line, egg relay, rip-offs of Space Camp challenges.

 In newspaper dance, as the newspaper got smaller and smaller, we wholly held each other without any malice but we'd never been that close publicly. Truthfully, I never mind it, we were just enjoying the party as we should.

In the middle of the fun, I accidentally knocked onto Crimson. He smiled at me and I smiled back. 

"Merry Christmas," I said shyly. He put an arm around me, like he used to, and he acted like all those months he ignored me never happened. 

As it was a season of giving, maybe it's also a season of forgiving. But maybe there was nothing to forgive and I was just being dramatic. Maybe I do have a knack for drama and acting after all.

The speaker played a dance craze we all knew the choreography: Sidekick by Dawin. Crimson, Mix, Blinkey, Arvin, Van, Marcus and I took our places in the center of the room and danced like the ending of a typical Rom-Com movie. I wore my sunglasses, maybe to hide that I was tearing up a little. I just wished it never ended.

To save time, we exchanged gifts while eating, spaghetti — but I preferred the pancit bihon more — lumpia, fried chicken, and a pack of Zest-O juice. Afterward, we ditched the part where we clean the room like we used to and Crimson no longer pretended that I was invisible. 

When we're going home, I gave him one of my rings, the one with spikes on it that reminded me of his hair. Did we make up? I didn't actually know. As though, I've been waiting for it to happen but it's not as fulfilling as I expected. Like when Mix returned the pen to me. Maybe because I accepted it already long ago?

We headed to the market, the whole group together, Team Xhiro, back again just like old times. I carried three gifts, one from my Secret Santa, another from my other classmate, Risa, and one from Mix. When we're left alone, we hugged again as a goodbye and I should've tightened it as much as I could — while I still could.

The smile never left my face even at night. It was eight in the evening when I should be sleeping but you could see a distinct light in the darkness of my room, aglow like that of a firefly, yet so utterly mystifying. It was the light from my phone and I was under my blanket chatting with Mix— in another account as Ashley. 

It has been our routine now to chat every night. It's the time when the world receded for a moment, time suspended for a while and seasons never changed.

I was asking him if he was an extrovert or introvert and I was sure he would answer his name Mixuvert. Surprisingly, he answered the latter.

"You? An introvert?"

"Yeah, but I don't like staying at home, I just want to be alone sometimes."

"Ify," I replied.

I was not really good at comforting or fostering a topic. I should have said I loved having my alone time but at the same time, I learned to love hanging around with people I like outside. Since then, I've been an ambivert. I assume that's really my "best of both worlds." But I've already moved on to a question that made my walls crumble.

"What were you when you were younger?" I asked.

"Sakit sa ulo," he answered, a headache.

A series of HAHAHAHA.

"What about yours?"

I thought about my own before I made something up -a backstory for Ashley. I didn't think it would disarm me and the wall I put up was dismantled into pieces. So instead, I told him about my own childhood.

I've been bullied in school for my soft demeanor ever since 3rd Grade. I hated girls from my sisters. I hated boys from my classmates. I despised adults. I hated everyone, I wanted to say. 

But what I only responded was, "I learned to be alone. In sixth grade, I was already thinking I was born to be alone."

"We can be alone together," he said.

Another series of HAHAHA. 

I brought up things which I knew we're similar and he just replied "Me too," to all of it. But I avoided bringing up about growing up without a father because there's a difference. My father was only abroad most of my life while his father left him and his mother on their own.

"Anyone you like right now?" he asked. One more question that caught me blindsided. 

I almost said "I don't really like most people." But Ashley's identity should be very likable and likes people too. Thus, I just told him a story. 

"A boy in 8th grade made me change the way I see boys, I thought maybe there are also good ones. I was so attracted to his personality that I felt saved. Then one day he just ignored me. Just then he acts like nothing ever happened and now I don't know what to feel about him."

He let me finish.

"Then another boy came along who saved me but I don't assume anything."

It felt lighter, having a makeshift confession to him. Then the wall rebuilt itself knowing that I overshared.

"Do you like him?"

I don't know, I almost said again. With what's going on with Mix, I honestly just went with the flow. I guess I was lucky that there was someone to save me until I was strong enough to save myself. But I didn't really ask for it. Now, it's like I long to be saved or I long for him. 

I snapped out of my fairy tale and reminded myself of our goal - to make Mix fall in love with Ashley. And he wouldn't, if I get carried away and tell him Ashley's in love with someone else. 

Hence, I said to him, "No, because I have someone on my heart right now."

"Is there any chance that could be me?" he asked.

Saved!

"Maybe," I replied, still on the game.

"Can you get out of your house and look at the moon?"

"Why?"

"It's beautiful tonight."

I traipsed outside our house to see the moon so bright and near like it's a lamplight. There it was, high above our gate.

"The moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?" Mix chatted.

"Yeah," I agreed. Only years later would I know what those words meant.

For a split second, I thought I saw Mix's hand waving under the silver moonlight. However, it wasn't alone, more hands swayed over our gate and I saw under the full moon stood several people.

They're singing a Christmas carol while laughing. It was my classmates. Chivvy, Jerome, Francine, another classmate of ours, Leslie, Blinkey, and her younger sister, Kylie.

"Namamasko po," they joked. "We wish you a Merry Christmas."

"Patawad," I joked back. 

They invited me to come with them to the town fair and as an ambivert, I accepted the invite. As we walked, I asked if they went to Avi's, but they said her parents didn't allow her to come. It made me somewhat disappointed and relieved. I heard Chivvy and Kylie getting excited about the rides. 

Francine and Jerome were sticking to each other more than usual. But they were avoiding each other's eyes and I knew those avoiding looks. Blinkey seemed problematic while Leslie was trying to cheer her up. I gaze upon the sky riddled with stars and even though I didn't fully understand it most of the time, it reminded me of Mix. That night, I started comparing anything to him. His wholeness to everything.

We passed by the market and we tried caroling houses to get extra money. Good news, we collected enough to spend on one ride for each of us. Now, the entrance to the fair could be seen in the distance and the long queues edged forward slowly. We lined up with the townsfolk who were becoming increasingly excited and impatient as they took a few steps forward every so often. 

People walked in and out like it's the middle of the day. Faint music could be heard from beyond the tall gates with the occasional happy scream suddenly piercing the air. It didn't take long until we reached the entrance and the massive structures of the rides could be entirely admired: a cavern, where the horror train wheeled in and out, a roller coaster but way smaller, and a Ferris wheel, reaching the star-strewn sky.

Once we got inside, all the sounds became so jarring that I had to cover my ears, since I was only used to the silent abode of our town. Although they set up this fair every year and it went around from December to March, then in May for the fiesta, I never got used to it. But I'd always dreamed of a circus life. What it must have felt to be free-liberating. Maybe that's why I felt relieved that Avi and I weren't together anymore.

We started checking different games of chance and amusement rides. Those who sat at the front screamed the loudest, their eyes bulging like owls, as the wind howled into their faces. Hands gripped the safety bars like a vice as the cart swerved rapidly on the tracks.

The rides and games were disappointingly few to accommodate all the people who came. Especially the carousel where most of the kids were, and the Bingo where most of the old people were. There's a gift shop full of stuffed toys and there's also a game where you throw darts or shoot with toy guns and you'd win a toy. 

After we surveyed the food vending stalls that sold barbecues, popcorns, cotton candies, and corndogs, we spread out. Francine and Jerome were together, I stuck with Blinkey, the three, Chivvy, Leslie and Kylie went to buy more tickets.

I only pocketed money for one ride so I tried to gamble in the stalls. One where light bulbs were blinking as a roulette, another where you bet on a card before a ping-pong ball drops. Blinkey was winning although the frown on her face wasn't erased. 

While I wonder what's her problem, I also remember my mother's saying, "In the game of life, it's either you're lucky with money or you're lucky with love." 

When you're lucky with money, you're good with business and there's a high chance that you'll get rich. Otherwise, if you're lucky with love, well, you'll simply find true love. I chose to think I was lucky with love because I hardly win with my bets and I ended up losing all my money.

At most, I played with my friends but I won't preach about the value of friendship. Because we wouldn't all be friends at the end of that night. When we saw Jerome bent down on one knee in front of the Ferris wheel and holding Francine's hand, asked her to be his girlfriend. It was as though I was watching a roleplay, albeit it's the most romantic thing I've seen.

I had heard of it. The magic of the carnival: where it reveals your true feelings. It was rumored that there have been countless couples confessing their love or asking someone here. But I knew the only way that I could see this was because I could be in both worlds, being half of the other.

Or would it be enough to be on the sideline to watch other people fall in love? But right then I also chose to believe that the magic was real, because it made me wonder, Do I have a knack for that kind of thing? Would I be really lucky with love too?

But no magic could make me believe that I wasn't thinking of one person that night. When I saw those two young people profess their love to each other, I was certain that all my doubts were cleared.

On my own, I decided, I'll be honest.

I decided I'm going to tell him.