at this point i was lost, running to the notes on my phone to help me. hoping that maybe these empty notes might like to hear of my troubles, as no one else did.

i wrote in my notes all the time. i took videos of myself (consistently intoxicated in said videos and while writing said notes) and shut everything out, losing my mind completely.

"i do not have social media anymore so i bring my thoughts here and only here. when i close my eyes i can still see you, but i cannot keep them closed forever. every time i open them, i am reminded yet again of the reality that i live in: empty, blank nothingness. i can't stop all of this constant noise all the time. i want to see you everywhere but i can't, and if i do it hurts.

i can feel them again. moving, wriggling around within my subconscious. maggots and earwigs, slithering down my thought canal. i can feel it right now. eating away at all of my favoured memories and keepsakes, leaving me with only the darkness. blocking up the light with their insect forms. i sit with my eyes closed as i feel for my brain.

i am sad. quite sad. i am also nothing. i am also no one. i don't matter. i don't matter, not even a bit. people will know and people will be aware for a short period of time, until i too am forgotten and rotting. i hope the process begins soon.

i don't want to be anymore. "

i really meant it then, as i unfortunately do now. i cannot put into words the unbelievably loneliness that i feel. i don't really associate with who i am anymore. i am no one, nothing.

nothing at all.