nothing appears to be changing. nothing appears to have changed in the slightest. i am still where i am, feeling the way that i do. i still wake up (on those mornings i did sleep) and wonder, "why am i waking up?"

i do not understand what purpose i am here to serve, especially at this point. i could accept it if nobody on the planet served a purpose, but i do not believe that. everyone has a purpose. why don't i?

i find myself awake at night thinking about these things, amongst everything else that has been haunting me for so long now. it has been such a long time. i have dragged it, this, out so long now that i am feeling such waves of embarrassment i cannot even stabilize myself.

why is it that everyone around me, everyone involved, can move on and walk away as though nothing happened. why is it that i cannot do such a thing? why am i here, dwelling