Satan blinked once. Then again.
“The fuck you mean wish? Do I look like a fucking genie to you?” he said.
“No,” Bartholomew said, “Genies don’t have dicks, I just thought-”
“Listen here, bucko,” Satan said. “I don’t take wishes, I make deals. Now, If you want to become an alpha, I could train you, but you’d need to tell me the parameters of how you would want to be. And, of course, there will be a price.”
“I don’t care if there is a price, I will do whatever it takes,” Bartholomew said, his voice shaking, but not wavering.
“I want,” Bartholomew said, “I want to be an alpha, THE GIGACHAD, ruler of all sigma land. I want to be 12 feet tall, have a 12 inch long dick, a 12 pack for abs, a jawline so sharp it can cut steel, and 27 girlfriends. I want to be SO muscular that I could pick up 12 statues of liberty CAW CAW.”
“Then it shall be, but I must warn you, the price will be steep,” Satan said.
“I don’t care, just make it happen,” Bartholomew said.
“Very well then, the price is-” Satan’s voice dropped into a low whisper, as he bent into Bartholomew’s ear to whisper the rest of the deal.

As Bartholomew, feeling his warm breath on his neck felt a chill go down his spine, and a hardening somewhere in his pants.
“I agree,” Bartholomew said.
“Then we shall begin, from now until you have accomplished your goal I shall be your personal trainer.”
“Huh?” Bartholomew was surprised.
“Oh, don’t be so sho-” Satan began, before Bartholomew cut him off.
“I’m just confused on how training will make my dick grow 11 and ⅞ inches longer” Bartholomew said.
“Oh, don’t worry about that, there are some supplements on Temu.” Satan reassured him.
“Oh- I - um- see- aren’t those dangerous? I heard a story about a guy who took them and his entire cock shriveled up like a raisin.” Bartholomew worried, “He told me it was very painful.”
“Nah, you’ll be fine. Now, starting from today forward, you will do 100 PUSH-UPS, 100 SIT-UPS, 100 SQUATS, AND A 10K RUN! NOW GO SOLDIER! GO!”
“Ack-” Bartholomew said, but, scared as he was about the brutal torture he was about to endure, he began. TRAINING.