CHAPTER 10 - A CONSUMING ROUTINE

Emily was lying awake on her bed, struggling to sleep. It had been such an intense night. The party had ended by half past midnight but she'd spent half an hour more with Dean, just chatting, which she'd enjoyed, but the bittersweet taste of regret that remained on her lips at the memory of what she'd been so close to and leaving Riley had tainted the rest of that pleasant night.

Now she was there, lying in her bed, thinking and thinking and thinking. A dangerous habit she really couldn't give up.

Spending time with Dean had been night, to the point that, wasn't it for that quasi kiss for Riley,Emily would have deemed that night quite perfect. She'd felt somewhat normal, somewhat ...lighter. Talking to Dean was fairly easy once gotten past his shy ways, and she enjoyed it, because it kept her every consuming thought at bay.

But ... now things got complicated, because Dean, shy and bashful Dean, before leaving, had nervously grazed his neck while warily asking her out on a date. And she'd said no. Without thinking. 

She'd instantly blurted out a no as soon as he'd asked, regretting it right after because of the hurt look on his face. She'd stammered some nonsense to explain, but Dean had simply shaken his head, sighing, defeated, pointing out a truth Emily didn't want to acknowledge: "It's Riley, isn't it? You like him."

Emily had blanched, her heart skipping a beat, but she hadn't found the courage to reply. It wasn't entirely true, but it wasn't a full lie either. She liked Dean, he was a great guy, and certainly, just a his sister said, he'd be one hell of a lady killer if only he wasn't so shy, but ... he didn't make her feel the same as Riley.

Dean was nice and he made her laugh, but he didn't give her that sense of protection and safety that only Riley could. He didn't give her Goosebumps every time he touched her ... neither did he scare her that much. 

Maybe giving a chance to Dean would be safer, at least for her heart, but it wouldn't be fair in his regards, would it? She couldn't just date him only to force her heart to abandon those wrong and dangerous emotions she felt around Riley. It'd be mean.

Emily closed her eyes, sighing. Riley would abandon her again, though. He'd leave, and her heart would ache. Again. 

He needed a girl that could measure up to him, in his eyes, she was only a child. That quasi-kiss was probably only due to the heat of the moment, with that romantic song and those thoughts about Elvis Presley's words being reality for them ... it was the perfect setting for romance. That's all.

Besides, he could have all the girls he wanted, why would he ever pick her? She was too young, too fat, too ugly, too insignificant for one like him. If he cared, it was only because he'd known her for so long. So what hopes did she have? Duh, she couldn't even hope. It was wrong on every level.

Then why did she crave it? Why did Riley fill her every thought even more than before? Why did her fingertips cravingly skim over his contact, needing to text him or talk to him ... 

Why did her lips still feel all tingly even if he hadn't even truly touched them? Why did she hug her teddy bear wishing it was Riley?

Emily rolled over on her side, tightening her grip on her teddy bear and pressing her eyelids, trying not to feel the ache in her heart. He'd left her once, he would again. And it would hurt. It would hurt just as bad as the last time, or maybe worse.

She bit down on her bottom lips to hold back her tears. Riley didn't know and never would, but he'd caused the worst damage on her. She didn't want to blame him, it was his due right to have his own life, but him leaving had torn such a hole in her heart, that he could never imagine.

Forcing herself to avoid the thought while he was far away seemed somewhat easier, but now that he was there, every step that her heart took closer to him, the memory of that pain came back and hit her forcefully, mostly at night, when she had no defenses except for her teddy bear, when she was alone with her thoughts and feelings, when it was easier to cry because nobody would see. Just as four years ago.

****************

FOUR YEARS AGO

"Come on, Emily, he's waiting." Her mother repeated.

"I-I'm busy ..." she claimed, careful to hide her face behind her book, highly hoping the woman would not spot the crack in her voice.

"He's leaving, darling ... don't you want to say goodbye?"

Emily pressed her eyelids not to cry. "Say it for me."

"Emily ... you don't want to let him leave with a heavy heart, do you?" Sybil warned. "Don't you think he'll be disappointed if you don't even say goodbye?"

The girl swallowed the lump in her throat, and stood, a heavy heart weighing her down. With slow and unsteady steps, she walked out of the room, and down the stairs. Timidly, she headed out on the lawn.

"Honeybee!" Riley called, happy to see her.

Emily bit her lip forcefully to stop tears from falling. When he tried to hug her, she pulled back. She didn't even look him in the eyes when she coldly blurted out in one breath: "Goodbye, Riley. Good luck."

"Emily ..." he whispered, conscious she was hurt.

She nodded, and ran off, back inside, unable to resist one minute longer. Deep down she wished he'd come see her, but she knew he wouldn't. Wasn't he leaving to get rid of such burden? It was good riddance for him.

Emily ran back upstairs, and hid in her room. She could hear her mother apologizing on her behalf, but she could imagine Riley not even listening. She crawled back against the door, her heart physically aching.

When she heard the engine of her brother's door starting, Emily felt tears doubling along her cheeks. She pressed her eyelids, feeling confused and dazed and miserable. As if her heart had just been cracked open, and there was nothing to stop the bleeding.

He was leaving, possibly forever, and something inside her broke. The thought of a lifetime far from him tore her heart apart, and she had no idea how to fill that hole.

As the car left, the sole thing that remained were her silent tears, and the consciousness that, from now on, her life would never be the same.

**************

Leaving volleyball had taken a huge toll on her, but before that, Riley's abandonment had torn her heart into pieces. Because that she'd felt it was. Abandonment. She'd felt like Riley had abandoned her, and if he had, what kept others from doing the same?

Sure, he had every right to live his own life, without worrying about that burden she'd been for long, but it still hurt nevertheless. And now he was back and was gripping her heart all over again. 

Emily was scared. Riley would leave. Again. And she was sure she could not be able to endure the same pain again.

In the end, the odds were always the same, she was still a child for him, he was still a handsome young man. Most probably he'd find someone worth his value in Boston and would have no more time for her. 

She couldn't risk again. Last time, picking up the pieces of her heart had been too hard, now ... now it could be impossible. Last time she was basically a child, now, she was old enough to know what she felt. She just didn't want to acknowledge it.

Riley set her heart on fire, and she had no idea how to put those flames off without incinerating hersel. Last time left her a heavy scar on her heart. This time it could be her ultimate undoing.

Yet those emotions, and his words, and that quasi-kiss ... just the heat of the moment? Really?

Riley wasn't as impulsive as Jason, he'd have never said neither done that if he hadn't really wanted it. 

If he'd been about to kiss her, if he'd implied he was feeling differently, it hadn't been just the heat of the moment, he'd been sincere. Because Riley always was. He'd never play like that, as if she were a doll.

So maybe he really wanted to kiss her. But why would he? Wasn't she a child to him? Wasn't she his little Honeybee? Things change in four years, true, but could it be that even Riley looked at her differently now?

In the end, Emily let tears win. And she cried. Sobbing silently, not to risk anybody hearing, tightly gripping her teddy bear, holding it close to her heart, as if to mend it in some way. 

She cried, because her feelings were growing and she had no idea how to get rid of them. She cried because Riley, the only one person able to fix her, was also the one guy that was able to shatter her. 

She cried because he'd abandoned her once and he would again, tearing another hole in her fragile heart, and this time, it could be the end of her.

***

"You wanted to see me?" Vanessa asked with a smirk as she sneaked up on him. How she liked doing that. Though while he'd never given her the satisfaction of flinching, this time he was indeed startled. Well, this time he looked like a fugitive that had just been busted.

Her heart had skipped a beat when, barely awake, she'd received a text from him, asking if she felt like jogging that morning. And now there they were, at the park, facing the small lake, nobody around, the only sound being the feeble breeze.

"You're not helping." Jason grumbled once his eyes had set on her.

Vanessa smirked, going closer. "What? This is my usual jogging outfit." Half true. Normally, she'd wear tights and tank top, but this morning she'd opted for black Nike gym shorts and black Nike sports crop top, kind of exposing all her beauty just for his eyes.

Jason gave her a dirty look she grinned innocently at, twirling the end of her braid between her fingers, like a perfect good girl. He was wearing gym shorts and grey t-shirt, also ready to actually go jogging, after all, that was the purpose, but he'd wanted to take advantage of that to settle things with her.

Not wanting to be tempted again, Jason turned back to the lake, enjoying the early morning air. Last night Gwen had scolded him for having worried her and he'd felt even worse. His fiancée had been looking for him everywhere, almost panicking already, and he'd been stuck in a freaking bathroom, cheating on her with a teen.

And the worst was, even while feeling guilty, every time his eyes landed on that little vixen, his mind went astray and pushed him towards the abyss of very sinful needs. In a word, hooking up once didn't help getting Vanessa out of his system, if anything, he needed to have her only more.

Vanessa, from her part, knew he was trying his hardest to hold back, and she also knew that that was her chance. Maybe it was wrong, but it felt so right. She went close enough to have her arm brush against his and she had to bite her lips to suppress the smirk when he seemed to respond even at that tiny touch, shuddering and sighing to keep his cool.

"So ... why did you want to see me?" She asked, drawling her words alluringly.

Jason chewed on his lips harshly, forcing his mind to be clean, and only when he thought he was calm enough he spoke: "What we had last night, it was ... wrong."

"I know." Vanessa agreed quickly, after all, it was, it was useless to deny it, and she knew he regretted it, but she didn't, and she craved to tell him, but ... it would only make her weak.

Sometimes pretending was harder than it seemed, sometimes standing there, alone, with him, just the two of them, so close, and having to pretend she felt nothing was almost impossible, but she had prepared herself for this meeting, so she had enough strength to cope ... she hoped.

It was necessary. The only place where she could give in was her bedroom, there she could drop the mask of the sexy teen that wanted to seduce her best friend's brother, and she could be that silly girl that forced herself to be strong and to still hope for a chance.

Jason glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. Damn, she's breathtaking. Even like that, only sportive, she was gorgeous and so, so sexy. But that didn't excuse him, did it? He had Gwen, and he should have eyes only for her. Hell, he loved Gwen. Then why was he so attracted to this other girl?

He sighed. Times like this, he regretted not having Riley's common sense. His best friend surely would know how to handle this, and he'd thought about seeking advice, but he'd have sounded hypocrite, given the way he'd barked against Riley about Emily being too young.

Although, that was due. Emily was still a child. A little girl in need of protection. Emily was way weaker than she let know, and it was his duty as brother to protect her in every way he could, especially because, if there was someone that could hurt her, that was Riley. He meant too much to her, Jason was aware.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Jason sighed once more. "Then we should forget."

"Why?" Vanessa heard herself asking. Oh, no, why did she? Damn, she ought to be sensual, not needy. She bit her tongue, scolding herself. Maybe she was losing control, having him so close did that to her too, and after last night ... gosh, the memory was still so vivid, her body still ached.

Jason glanced at her, for the first time allowing himself to fully look at her face, her gorgeous face, with those impertinent big grey eyes that scrutinized him with such malice mixed with amusement, and those lips he'd nipped on so much only last night and – no. No, no, no.

He looked away, closing his eyes. Damn, resisting had never been so hard! Well, maybe because he'd never really resisted to temptation. Even with Gwen, she'd been a friend before anything, but he hadn't really thought things through before going after her. Every girl he'd liked, he'd had her, hell, he'd never been good at holding back, not at all. And maybe that was why now it was so damn hard.

Inhaling deeply, Jason forced himself to be rational for once, as he stated: "Because I am engaged, Vanessa. I'm about to get married and I just cheated on my fiancée. If Gwen finds out, she'll cancel everything and she'll ... leave me."

Vanessa bit her lips. She'd wanted to have a comeback ready, one of hers, careless and sassy, but ... it was hard to think of that when her heart had taken such blow. The fear in his voice as he mentioned Gwen could leave him, it said it all. 

Vanessa closed her eyes, forcing herself to look impassive while inside she was burning. Hoping had never been so hard.

Sighing inaudibly, she mustered up enough strength to sound careless as she agreed: "If that's what you want ... I won't forget, but I won't mention it either. Your secret's safe."

Even the strongest people quiver sometimes, and her weakest point had just practically told her what they had meant nothing, she meant nothing ... it was hard to digest even for one like her. 

Vanessa craved to run away and take refuge in the comfort of her blankets, where she'd let go of her deepest emotions. The ones not even Emily knew about, the ones she hid to the world. The ones only Jason Robinson caused her. The ones, finally, that shattered her heart. Every damn time.

She bit her tongue when the weakest side of her wanted to let those three specific words slip. It would only weaken her and he'd pity her. Therefore no, he'd never know. Her heart could burn, but he'd never know.

***

May I talk to you?

Emily remained there, staring at the screen of her Smartphone, trying to breathe. He wanted to talk to her, Riley wanted to meet up with her to talk. About that quasi-kiss and those words he'd spoken at the party, obvious.

But she didn't want to. She didn't want to know whether he'd been impulsive or he'd wanted it. She didn't want to have a definite answer, because then everything would be so real.

"Are you okay, sweetie? You've barely touched your breakfast." Mrs. Robinson asked, glancing at her daughter sitting at the island from above her shoulder while setting the dishwasher.

It was Saturday morning and, weirdly enough, Emma had been the first one to get up, which already made Sybil suspicious. If there was one thing she could be sure of, it was that Emily would never wake up early in the morning, especially not on Saturday, when she had nothing to do. Yet, Sybil had been just preparing breakfast when she'd seen her daughter appear in the kitchen, still sleepy.

Her motherly alarms had gone off already when she'd spotted the bags under the girl's eyes, but she'd said nothing, knowing that it would only make it worse. They had to be cautious, not press her in any way, her psychologist friend had suggested years ago when Sybil had confided about her worries in regards to Emily's locking herself up into her shell more and more.

The girl looked up at her mother and nodded meekly, then went back to staring at her phone. Maybe it was only puppy love, Sybil thought. Maybe she'd fought with Dean, that's why she was so gloomy all over again, because only last night she looked fine.

But Dean, for how much Emily cared about him, could never have such a strong effect on her. Sybil sighed inaudibly as she turned back to the dishes. Only one person could have enough influence on Emily as to change her moods. Riley. 

Emily heaved a big sigh, and placed her phone back onto the island. She could feel her mother's scrutinizing gaze, even if the woman pretended to be busy with dishes, which wasn't new at all. It'd happen really often a few years back. 

Jason would be in Boston, her dad would be already out for work, only she and her mom would remain to have breakfast, seeing as Sybil always waited for her daughter before heading to work too, in order to take her to school, and those mornings, Emily forced herself to look normal. Now it wouldn't be any different.

Looking normal meant eating her favorite breakfast her mother had made on purpose without leaving everything, then kindly passing the empty plate to her mom and heading upstairs with the excuse of having to get ready for school or to meet Vanessa. This time was the same.

The only addition to that routine that her mother didn't know about was Emily scurrying directly to her bathroom once in her bedroom. It was Emily crouching on the floor, tying her hair in a high ponytail to avoid dirtying it, and ... sticking two fingers in her mouth, causing herself to spill everything she'd just eaten into the toilet, only to then flush it and wash her face as if nothing just happened. Back to the usual, then.