"All I want is something real, something that is terrifying to the touch but far too beautiful to ever let go of." -Faraway

Ana's POV

His hands grab my wrists above my head as he pushes me against the wall, harshly. His hands hold mine on either side of my face as he forcefully pushes his tongue in my mouth, gaining dominance. He bites my lower lip and an involuntary moan escapes my lips, pushing himself against me so that we are flushed against each other, I can feel his crotch against my stomach. I shut my eyes tightly as his grip starts hurting me while trying not to cry.

"Kiss me back." He growls, his eyes shimmering with something I cannot put a finger on. But I cannot kiss him. I've never seen him like this, so aggressive, so dominating, so rough and so drunk.

"Stop," I shudder in pain. "You're hurting." I try to wiggle out of his grip, but it only gets tighter.

"You're mine to do anything I please!" He holds my wrist with one of his hands and starts leaving sloppy kisses along my neck. His other hand finds its way to the hem of my shirt. He sneaks his hand up it, I shiver as he starts tweaking my clothed nipple between his fingers.

I want to scream, I want him to stop, I want to cry, but I cannot. I try to push him away, but he doesn't budge.

Finally, finding my voice I scream at the top of my lungs. "Tyler, stop!" and push him away with all my strength.

I lift my gaze to see Niall standing in front of me with his eyes full of hurt and confusion. And I realise that it was just my memory haunting me. Niall wouldn't hurt me. But he just kissed me.

I didn't expect him to be here, in my kitchen, making pancakes or bread. I expected him to be gone. I know that he stayed last night just out of pity, so why would he be here now?

I cannot even think about yesterday without crying. What have I done to deserve it or rather not deserve it? It was the only thing that gave me... hope. The hope of being happy again. I feel tears prick my eyes, but I try to keep it at bay and make out everything that I am seeing in front of me.

"Niall, y-you d-don't have to-" I refer to the kiss.

"Fuck," His eyes grow darker. "I know, I'm sorry. I don't know, I just wanted you to know... I know it is not the best time... But I'll make you believe!" Believe what? I don't need his pity. I just need someone who can make me forget about it, not constantly remind it.

"You don't have to pity me!" My eyes burn with the fresh tears that are starting to fall down my cheeks.

"I am not, I am just trying to- I'm sorry," He speaks softly and takes a step closer and I, tentatively, take a step backwards. He raises his hand and I flinch. It's not that I don't trust him, my memories are just haunting me. A look of pure grief covers his eyes and he knits his eyebrows together.

"I won't hurt you, ever." He says and tenderly, but hesitantly, skims his knuckles on my cheek and this time I don't pull away.

"Niall, I-I'm sorry for- um- yester-" I hiccup.

"'Ts'k, I'm here and I won't leave you."

***

It's been a couple of weeks since Niall kissed me since I lost my baby. The baby I'll never get to hold, the baby I'll never get to meet, the baby who will never call me mom, the baby that'll never come into this world.

I still can't forget about the kiss we shared a few weeks ago. I still feel it when I touch my lips, I still feel it when I see Niall's lips, wanting them on mine again.

But, I'm thankful that my subconscious, for once, is not being a snobby bitch.

Saying that I've been the same would be wrong. I've been better, better than I thought I would be, because of Niall. He was stuck by my side just like he promised. He never judged me. He was there every time I needed him. It was difficult in the start, but Niall helped me a lot. I forgot about the pain, the loss, when he was with me and even if I think about it, I know I'll have his shoulders to cry on. He never once asked me about...anything or Tyler, even when I slipped his name.

He stayed with me, no matter how many times I told him that it was alright if he would want to leave for work, but he would shut me up by, he says and I quote, 'I know the boss. He's fond of me.', which often made me laugh.

He spends most of his day with me, trying to make me laugh and watching sappy movies, and leaves at night, comes back around in the morning and would make something for us or buy us breakfast. He would bring ice cream a lot, which definitely, helped me calm my nerves. We would watch Disney Movies together and Niall would tell me 'change the movie' or 'It's so stupid' and I would fake glare him, even though I know he's kidding.

I'll admit it's better in the daytime when Niall is around, I feel safe, not like the night times. Some nights are good, some are difficult. The first few days I had nightmares, I used to wake up crying and try to soothe myself that I'll be okay and I knew that as soon as the morning comes up, I'll smile, I'll be safe again.

I didn't tell Niall about the nightmares though, I didn't want him to worry more than he already does and I know for a fact that he'd probably stay the night when I'll tell him about my nightmares.

In the past few weeks, I've learned a lot about Niall. He talked about his childhood and how he was back then. I learned his love for music, I knew he likes music, but not this much, and that he wished to become a musician when he was younger, he still, is very fond of music. He talked about his family and his two sisters, Jo and Alex, as he calls them. I also learned how much he loves them and cares about them.

I didn't give much away when he asked me about my family, just that I live with my mom, dad and my brother, who I love a lot. He looked skeptical as to why I wasn't giving out too much but didn't question.

Nobody knows about the loss that I suffered from, not my parents, not Tyler and not even Andy. I ignored all of his calls and messages because I was really ashamed. I didn't want them to know about it, I don't want them to know that I failed, even though they'll come to know one day.

I tried to talk to Niall about everything that has happened the last month, but I couldn't, the words seem to be caught up in my throat. He knows that I broke up with Tyler before I moved here, but nothing more. I don't want to keep him in the dark and I'll tell him soon, but I don't know when. Even the whole why-did-I-not-tell-him-about-my- pregnancy talk was hard enough.

"Why did you not tell me about it?" He whispers as I have the last bite of my pizza piece, and I raise my eyebrows at him, not quite understanding it. "A-About-um your pregnancy." I choke on my food as soon as the words leave his mouth. He looks uncomfortable just like me, if not more.

I swallow the food in my mouth and clear my throat before speaking, "I didn't want you to judge me."

"You know, I wouldn't have." He argues.

"I didn't know you then. I didn't trust you with it," I truthfully say.

"Do you now?" He asks.

"Um-" Do I? "Yes." I realise and a small smile appears on his lips, mirroring mine.

When I told Niall about going to the gallery after a couple of days, he told me to rest and that he'll talk to Zayn, even when I offered to do it. He promised to make something up for Zayn to believe and I'm thankful he knows I'd keep it that way.

"What did you tell him?" I ask after he talked to Zayn, in a different room may I add.

"Nothing important," He says cheekily. I know that smile! He must have said something really bad.

"I don't believe you! What did you say?" I urge.

"Just that you-" He tries not to laugh.

"Spill it!"

"Thatyouaresufferingfromdiarrhoea!" He laughs.

"What?" I scrunch up my nose.

"Diarrhoea." He laughs again and shrugs nonchalantly.

My eyes widen in shock. "You are so dead, Horan!"

When I went to the gallery after, I met Zayn and he asked me how my stomach was and I replied that it was okay, embarrassingly, and cursed Niall under my breath for giving such a... morbid excuse.

But I couldn't help the smile that crept in.

"Earth to Ana."

I turn my attention to meet the bluest eyes. "Hi," I say embarrassingly.

"How about I stay the night to repeat everything I just said?" He jokes.

"I heard you." I lie.

"Oh, what did I say?" He smiles a knowing smile.

"Just-um-that- you...-"

"Shut up." He rolls his eyes and I raise my eyebrows at him.

"What did you just say?" I look at him in disbelief. Did he just asked me to shut up?

"See that's what I'm talking about. You don't seem to hear anything. I. Said. Shut. Up, love." He laughs and I freeze in place, but I don't think he realizes what he just said, so I play it off and did what I would, if he hadn't said so. I turn to smack his upper arms, but he catches my wrist and pulls me towards him so that I am clinging to him, with a straight face. His arms are always so warm that I feel like staying there forever, in an absolutely non-creepy way.

I stare up at him only for him to look away. A shiver goes down my body when his arms, that are wrapped around me, start drawing circles on my waist. My breath hitches as I try not to show how he is affecting me.

"What do you wanna watch?" He abruptly asks.

"A-Anything." I stutter and he smiles a crooked smile, probably knowing his effect on me. I lock my eyes on my hands, that are entwined on my lap, unable to hide the heat that is rising on my cheeks and neck.

"Crazy, Stupid, Love?" He asks, never removing his hands from my waist.

"Okay," I say and try to compose myself.

Halfway through the movie, I am already tired and since it is a bit after midnight I thought I should sleep. I lift my head that was resting on his shoulders and realise that he was already staring at me.

"I'm tired!" I say and he pauses the movie. "I'm going to bed, you can complete the movie if you want to." I propose.

He shrugs, "Want me to tuck you in?" He offers.

"Yes, please." I nod. It was kind of a tradition now. Every night, Niall would tuck me in, before leaving for his house.

He tucks me in and places a feather-light kiss on my forehead. I feel my heart skip a beat at the simple gesture. "Good night, Ana." He speaks and I feel myself drifting off to darkness.

"No!" I scream, " Please leave him." I try to get out of the grip of the hands that are holding me back, failing.

"He is the reason you left, isn't he? How can I not do anything to him?" Tyler speaks in a menacing tone, looking down at him.

My baby, that is sleeping in his arms, squirms and starts to cry.

"Tyler," I say, with tears in my eyes, "Please, give him to me. I'll do anything, but don't hurt my baby." I beg but nothing seems to affect him.

"Please!" I shout when he turns around and starts to walk away. The hands holding me hostage, no longer grabbed me. I attempt to take a run after him, but my feet feel like jell-o. I cannot move, my shouts doesn't make any difference, he doesn't listen, he just walks away with my baby.

I am in the middle of nowhere, with tears running down my cheeks. I feel someone shake me, but I don't know who. Someone places their hands on my face, but I cannot see them. I hear my name being called, repeatedly, and I jump back to reality.

I jolt awake and feel a hand wiping my tears. I lunge forward and accept Niall's outstretched arms. I hiccup and lock my hands around Niall's neck as the tears fall, mercilessly, down my puffed cheeks. He rubs my back, saying soothing words in my ear.

"It's okay, it was just a nightmare," He speaks gently. I cling onto him and try to take deep breaths. "How often?" He asks me as soon as I calmed down.

"J-Just toni-"

"How often, Ana?" He sternly asks, but his eyes are soft.

"A-al-most eve-ryday." I hiccup.

He sighs, loud enough for me to hear. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asks in a small whisper and holds me at arm's length.

I look at the wall behind him, not able to meet his eyes, and answer, "I didn't want to worry you, you already worry so much, even though you know that I lied. You were by my side when no one else was. You were there with me in my hardest times, even when you shouldn't, I know I didn't deser-"

"Everybody needs someone at their hardest time," He breathes. "I'll be there for you," He says sincerely.

I nod slightly before crawling back into his arms. He cradles my face against his chest as we both sit in silence. He smooths my hair and I feel myself leaning into his soft touch. His hands tangle in my hair, my head against his chest, as I figure his breathing pattern. Being here, right now, I feel safe. There's no other place I'd wanna be right now.

The softness of his touch, the depth of his eyes, the way his breath fans across my neck, the way his hands tangle themselves in my hair, the way his fingers draw circles, the way my name rolls off of his tongue, the way he looks at me with so much affection, I like it all.

I like him.

Niall's been so affectionate lately, but not in the same way, in a more close way. But maybe he just feels sorry for me and he'll go back to being the old Niall when I am better because if he did like me, he would have done something!

I can't deny that he's always there for me, with me, whenever I need him, even when I know I didn't deserve him. The past two weeks have been... unearthly, to say the least. The whole ordeal made me frail and weak, but Niall was my rock, steady and strong.

I don't know when I fall asleep, but I wake up when I hear my phone beep. I look at the wall clock to see that it is already a bit after 11. I rub my eyes and see Niall sleeping on the other side, without a T-shirt, the duvet is drawn to just above his hips, which brings a small smile to my lips.

I stare him as his bare chest heaves in a defined pattern, the morning light shining on his body. His torso is not perfectly toned, but it is nice. His chest has small, curly hair that-

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." He says, in his morning voice, without opening his eyes and a small smile playing on his lips.

I look away from him, embarrassed and throw the duvet off of me and sit on the edge of my bed when I hear him chuckling slightly. I put the glasses on my nose, take my phone from the nightstand and see that there is a new message from an unknown number. The message washes the smile off of my face.

'I'm here'

It said, but I ignore it just like all the other messages, even though I know that it is not a coincidence. I take a deep breath and decide not to think too much about it.

"Coffee?" I ask.

"Please." He says, his voice hoarse.

I walk to the kitchen and make us coffee. I start pouring it in the cup, it's when I feel his eyes on me, but I don't turn back.

A knock on the door catches my attention. I furrow my eyebrows. Who would it be? Niall's here and nobody, not even Aiden, whom I'm closest to after Niall, knows where I live.

"I'll check." Niall offers and I nod.

I turn around to see that Niall is still shirtless. I quietly follow him to the door, trying not to think how good his back looks. He opens the door to reveal a boy, a courier boy, standing there. He has a bouquet of white lilies. He is wearing casual clothes with a snapback which hides his eyes. I cannot make out who he is.

He clears his throat, "Ana Kohl?" His voice was a bit loud and rough.

"Yes?" I chime in. Niall looks over to see that I followed him.

The man hands me the bouquet and walks away without another word. Niall's eyebrows are knitted together and he looks deep in thought.

I close the door and walk to the couch, Niall following suit. I sit the bouquet down and take the card that was attached to it.

'Baby,
I'll meet you soon.'