Dreams seem so real the moment you are in them. They consume your senses, they'd consume your soul if you'd let them. But you know they're not real. There's some understanding that it is, in fact, a dream. 

That night mine felt so vivid. 

He was there before me again. Almost how he had been before me previously that day. My father was just taller than me now, I wasn't the tallest but I wasn't short either. Nothing compared to Salvador. His brunette hair that he swept back, his beard that fell just below his chin. He was stockier than I was, however. I was thin, swift. He was the source I got my power from. My looks came from my mother.

"Boy," was all he said. He snarled it.

"My name is Caius," I glared at him. 

"Boy."

"I am your fucking son!" I yelled. "Call me by the Titania-damn name you gave me."

"Boy."

"Why do you fucking hate me?" I was shouting now. "Why don't you love me anymore?"

"I stopped loving you when you became worthless to me."

"So money, you gave up on your child because of monetary gain. What a fucking cuck. I hate you. I hate everything you've done to me. I hate the fucking nightmares you give me that creep up on me once a few months. I hate that the only time I feel in control of anything is when I'm getting fucked. I hate the panic and the vomiting and the crying and the desire to die. Why couldn't you be a normal father?"

He stared. His red eyes stabbed mine.

"Why couldn't you fucking love me?" I screamed. 

He smirked. I turned to see what he was looking at. Behind me, a large black snake was rising. Its tongue flicked out. I knew. I knew it was Seamus. He had come to protect me. 

He bent his head down, showing that he was under my command. I set myself back to my father. He was smiling at the snake. 

"You could be that glorious," he said. "If only you were a girl."

"With the way I ride dick, I could be," I scoffed. "You could have been a decent father. What the fuck is wrong with you."

"Boy," he sneered.

"I hope you like being dead. I know you wanted me dead too."

Seamus launched at the man. When his blood splashed upon me, I began to laugh. The laugh shook my whole body, filled my ears with the sound. I was going insane. Or maybe I already had. I was coughing on the laughter now. I choked and suddenly I was crying. I was in a weeping heap by the time Seamus had devoured the man. 

"I told you I'd keep you safe," Seamus bowed to me.

"Then why does it hurt?" I managed to say.

"Caius," Seamus shrank down to the size I knew.

"Caius," Sal whispered, jostling me awake. 

The night was still dark. I was trembling, tears falling down my face.

"Are you all right, love?" Sal asked quietly.

"Sal, I'm so scared," I buried myself further into his skin. 

"Scared of what?" he was trying to soothe me.

But I didn't know. That's what scared me. I was scared of my father. I was scared of Seamus, maybe it was awe at what he had done to protect me. I was scared of dying. I was scared of myself, what I could do if I wasn't trapped here. 

"I need to go," I started moving.

"Go where?" 

"I've got to piss," I wrestled into my boots. 

I just wanted air. I was lying. Why didn't he see that? I decided to go anyway, just so I wouldn't be. Lying would hurt Salvador, I didn't want to hurt Sal. My hands were shaking so bad, my legs were like fall leaves in the breeze. And I got a thought. 

A thought I didn't want to appease.

It had been months since I had done it now. Months since I had scared myself out of the dream and done it out of habit. It seemed so appealing, like a drug to cope with myself. A way to feel something again. 

There was a knife in my hand. 

It seemed like the only way out. 

But Salvador-

But what was I feeling? What about me?

Salvador wouldn't like it.

I felt the sting. I had done it without even thinking. Just like I had years and years and years ago. 

I didn't even put my pants back on. I found myself collapsing against one of the logs in the circle around the now-dead fire. It hurt but my head was clear. I had fucked up. I hurt Salvador. He was going to hate me. I hated myself. What had I done? 

I ripped off my sweatshirt, finding Sal's necklace still around me. I grabbed the tooth, jabbing the serrated edges into my thumb. I hurt him. I grabbed my sweatshirt like a pillow, crying steadily into it. It reeked of Sal. I was sick of crying. I was going to run dry. My head was spinning. 

"Say it."

"Say what?" I couldn't breathe well in here.

"'Hat you made me say before in a moment like 'is. Say it. My name is Caius Scartunt."

"My name is Caius Scartunt," I whispered. 

"Ya don' 'ave to say his name."

"I am born of Christie Scartunt and some heartless asshole they call my father."

"Good, go on."

"I am of the Nocturne Eve Fae," I hiccuped. "In Listandel, Newartic. I'm-I'm twenty years old, born under the blood moon."

"Tell me more."

"My name is Caius Olentin Scartunt," I found myself repeating. "I am with Salvador Clarke, of the Downwonder Evonne Fae. He loves me and I hurt him."

"How did you hurt me?"

"I lied. I hurt myself. I'm crazy. I can't find the right words to say to tell you how I feel. I just...all I do is hurt you."

I felt my chest collapse. The sweatshirt was pulled from me. I hadn't even noticed how bright the moons were shining tonight. Sal was sitting before me, this ridiculous smile on his face. Like he knew. I hurt him, why was he smiling?

"Ya don't just 'urt me," he wiped my tears away with his thumb. "I wouldn' say ya 'urt me at all. Knowin' 'at all you've done tonight 'as worried ya because of me lets me know ya love an' care about me, in your own little way."

"I do," I nodded. "I do."

"I knew I couldn' stop ya, 'at I'd have to let ya go do 'hat ya needed to, otherwise it may 'urt ya more. I knew 'at when ya struggle with 'ings like 'at you can relapse into those old 'abits. But 'is," he set his hand right before what he knew was there. It made me cringe. It didn't hurt at all but it left a much harsher pain inside of me. "'Is is 'hat ya needed. It's not okay, but ya needed it so you could 'ink again. I love ya despite it."

His eyes, that beautiful ocean blue, was glowing in the moonlight. He had promised me, that no matter what I did, he'd love me. He didn't lie to me. I knew that I loved him, at this moment, that I loved him more than anything else. I would never say it. Love was so dangerous. 

But I kissed him. Despite everything. I rested my head in the crook of his neck. I finally felt I could breathe again. Salvador was the one who would change me, who would set me free. 

He stood from my grasp after a few minutes. I sat there. I didn't know what he was doing but I was praying he would come back. The moon between the trees was a sight and it created some stillness deep within me. He came back, kneeling before me on the ground. He wrapped my self-inflicted wound. 

"Ya really keepin' 'at safe, huh?" he grinned at me.

I noticed my hand was wrapped tightly around the necklace. "Oh, yeah."

He continued to lace compressed cotton around my thigh.

"Am I always going to be like this?" I spoke quietly.

"No," he answered quickly. "Ya need time to heal. Maybe it'll take much more time 'an ya hope but ya will get better. I'll be here for you through all of it."

"Thank you."

"Are ya gonna be able to sleep?" Sal handed me a water skin.

"I hope so," I swallowed some water. "I am thoroughly exhausted."

I found myself sleeping through until the morning in Sal's arms. Soon, he was going to be twenty-two. I was going to be twenty-one. I was going to get my wings back. What adventures could I possibly experience then?