That call from Beta formed a scar in my heart - one that read 'Why Dad?'.
He tried to answer that before ending everything but it will never be enough to heal my scar.
We came back to KMA after Dad's last rites were done. It took everything in me to stay quiet, to not shed a tear for all he was a traitor amidst the army of loyal men.
I could feel eyes on me - so many pairs that I couldn't stand.
Uncle understood that I needed privacy and he ordered everyone to not disturb me till I ask.
Ren would come see me every six hours and leave. I sat in my room all day all night with a photo of my dad and mum in my hands. I don't remember when I stopped crying and when I restarted.
Martins called me up twice but I didn't pick up. He must have talked to uncle because he didn't bother me after a message-
'I know it's hard for you. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Just know that I'm here for you. You're not alone. I am and will be by your side forever. I know you're a strong woman and that you'll fight this back hard. I'll wait for your call. Reply whenever you feel like. And once again, you're not alone, dear. I'm with you.'
That's what dad said.
That's what mum used to say.
You're a strong girl.
Am I really that strong?
.
.
"Sweetie pie, it's been two days.. Come get some fresh air.. Eat something... You'll fall ill dear."
Ren said during one of her follow ups.
"I don't want to. I'm fine."
I said not looking into her eyes.
I knew she wanted my good. But I had no strength. I was numb and I wanted to stay numb.
She sighed and left, closing the door.
******
I was rubbing my dad's face in the photo when suddenly my door opened with a bang.
"Get up."
He commanded. He was angry. Not as much when his brother almost died because of me, but significantly angry.
"I can't.."
"I thought I specifically told you that I don't hear those words. Now get up before I lift you up myself."
He looked at me sternly.
There's no way he's not going to do what he just said. He'll follow through his warning.
I rubbed the tears in my eyes and tried to get up. I felt so weak in my knees, I nearly fell.
He grabbed me by my elbow and helped me stand straight.
I looked at him with questioning eyes.
What now?
What do I do now?
What can I do now?
He looked at me intently and said "Your fault. You didn't eat food for three days straight, and got so sick. Your fault that you can't stand on your feet right now. All your fault."
He said those words to me looking into my eyes.
"We'll go to med care."
He started pulling me lightly but firmly.
"I don't want to see white linen."
A tear escaped my eyes before I could wipe it.
He sighed loudly closing his eyes.
"Fine. We'll go to mess. And I don't care if you don't want to meet people."
He said before I can say that.
I was pulled forward firmly.
I used my other hand to hold on to his arm.
I don't know why I did that.
It felt like he's my own.. Like my family. He didn't give two shits to my pathetic state and knocked me off the floor. Something that my nosy brother would do, if only I had one.
He stopped in his track looking at me as if asking the same question - Why'd you do that?
"I feel comforted and.. safe...?"
I told more to myself.
He sensed my awkwardness and looked away.
"It's okay. You're safe. Come here."
His voice softened.
He let go of my elbow and pulled me closer to him from the side. His arm went across my back and tugged on my shoulder gently, taking almost all my weight on his side.
I might be feeling less than a feather to him. But to me, he felt like a pillar.
It's funny how I hated him all these months and he hated me back equally but look at us now. Standing each other - literally.
"I know what you're feeling Jane, I know what you're thinking - What was your fault. Why were you not given an option to choose. But you don't want to admit that because he was your father and you loved him."
He said as we walked slowly.
"I.."
I couldn't say anything. He was right.
"He had other ways out. He had many options. He could have approached anyone around him. May be he didn't trust anyone except himself, but he had to take a risk."
I hummed.
I needed to hear this.
"He was wrong. There's no fault feeling that way. Your anger is justified."
He gently pushed me little aside and looked at me as he said this with soft eyes.
"I can't.. He did it for me... But... He left me alone... What's left here for me.. How am I going to.."
I said with fresh tears coming up.
"Face everything? Survive?"
I nod strongly as he completed my statement.
"You're a big girl. You know what's right and what's wrong. You are physically stronger than so many people out there. You are sharper than so many idiots out there. You don't need anything else to survive."
I looked at him not believing he said all that.
He went through all of this at such a young age. Is that how he is able to answer all the questions that are bombarding my mind?
"How did you survive?"
I ask him immediately regretting.
"I.. I am sor-"
"Frankly speaking, I don't remember the first few years. It took me some time to realise how I was a different kid than the ones living at home with two parents. I asked the elders at my orphanage - where are my parents? Why was I there? All I remember is that I wanted my mother to come back to me. I was ready to do anything that would keep her with me. But she never came. I kept waiting. Don't know what the Father at my orphanage saw in me - but he told me the truth. How my dad left the two of us for his country without a care, how mom failed to provide for me, how mentally weak she was to not bear the pain of seeing me suffer that she took her own life.. That day I felt so numb I couldn't feel anything. For once I thought - if I leave too, what's going to happen? Will anyone even grief my loss? Just then the other boys in our home called me out to play. And I was snatched out of my thought."
He stopped to take a breath.
"That day I understood that no matter how tough you show yourself to the world, there will come a moment when you'll feel like you've lost everything. That you can't live anymore. That it won't really matter if you leave too because the pain is just too much... "
I feel that pain so much right now.
But what he said next cut down all the fire.
"And the same day I also realised that there's always a way out of that moment. You can escape the feeling before it brings you down."
He stopped right outside mess and turned to me "You, girl, are right there. In the moment. You have to find a way out. We are here to help you. But it's you who has to take that step and walk out. If you don't, you'll end up like my mom, like your dad, like your uncle..."
He trailed off.
"And you know what you'll leave behind- people suffering from the grief you give them by deciding not to stay."
He said bending a little towards me.
"Why would you grief over me?"
"Because I feel what you feel. Numb and painful at the same time. It's like going over my childhood all over again. And if I don't help you out, who will?"
He smiled a little and helped me sit down on a seat.
The hall was vacant, thank god. I can't bear looking at anyone.
"And who decided to show up finally!"
Flynn scolded me.
A smiled a little.
He looked at me as if he didn't believe I just did that.
"I made her smile!"
Flynn said proudly.
"Not you, old man. Me."
Killer said bursting his bubbles.
"Shut up. I know you want nothing but to scold her everytime."
Flynn said coming and standing next to me.
"Well he did that all the way till here, too."
I mumbled and Flynn laughed.
"Don't think I didn't hear that."
Killer warned me.
I laughed this time.
Flynn stood with his eyebrows raised.
"Yes. He did it."
I said.
I took Killer's side and Flynn sat in front of me looking at me carefully.
"I need a sister, too. I'll be a better brother than him."
He said and I looked at Killer who refused to look into my eyes.
"Flynn..."
He warned him.
"Shut up. You and you -"
He pointed at him and me and then continued
"Both of you are same - hard headed, getting on other's nerves but never allow yourself to be emotionally labile."
"That's it. You're not going to stop and I can't stay. Bye. Handle the mess yourself."
"You will be. Thanks to the things he's going to say."
He left and I turned around to look at Flynn who sat with a wide smile.
"What was that?"
"Coward."
He laughed.
"He couldn't bear to see your broken state. He sat at the bar, drinking quietly all night yesterday. After a lot of poking, he started talking. He felt guilty as hell for behaving with you the way he did that day. He couldn't forgive himself knowing what came down on you and instead of helping you, he stood against you."
"But why would he..?"
"Feel so guilty?"
"Yes."
"The moment he realised that you're standing where he stood years ago, he felt sympathy. A sense of bonding. He felt protective, like he knew you'll be in pain and he wanted you not to go through it. You felt like family, like a sister to him."
I smiled with wet eyes.
"He comforted me like one."
I say feeling so much better.
"He'll never admit. And so won't you. I know that. That's why I wanted him to stay while you both understand what's the bond that's making him feel worried about you, at the same time making you feel safe around him. That's because you feel each other's pain. You may have had different parents, but you have the same heart of a hurt child."
I looked down unable to stop my tears from flowing out.
A brother? Killer?
"You'll have to stop calling him that, first. He has a name."
Flynn heard my thoughts and I laughed snorting my happy tears up my nose.
Wills.
My brother.
It sounds awkward but it sounds good.
"I can try."
He pats my shoulder as I clear my face.
I look up at him.
"Now say the words I'm dying to hear."
Flynn says dramatically.
"I am hungry."
I say and he claps loudly.
"That's my girl!"
He walked away and then appeared in front of me within seconds.
As soon as he took the lid off, the sight and aroma of pasta made my stomach grumble loudly.
"I'll need more."
I say as I took a huge bite.
"I'll cook as such much as you want."
He said happily.
"Shut up and come with me!"
I heard Ren shouting at the door.
I smiled knowing what's happening outside.
"I'm not hungry. Don't you fucking get it?"
"Language!"
Flynn and I said loudly making Killer bend his neck just enough to look at the two of us.
"Let's go. They've got food!"
Ren tried to pull him but he stood firm.
"I'm not hungry."
He said looking down at her.
"Lies are not good for intestines."
I say loudly and he looked at me like I caught him red handed.
"Fine."
He muttered and walked to us.
Ren stood behind frozen.
"I can't have this."
He said sitting across me looking at my bowl full of cheesy pasta.
"I know that. Too bad."
Flynn teased him and brought a bowl of vegetable curry for him.
He dug in and ate like he was very hungry.
I laughed loudly.
He shrug his shoulder and said "always wanted one I can threaten everyday."
He said chuckling.
We both laughed at that.
He was brutally honest at the moment.
It seemed like I felt happy after years. I still had a family. I had someone to hold on to.
This guy may be an ass, but so am I.
Atleast I can trust him enough to have my back. And though I know he'll never let it come to that, but hopefully I'll have his back one day too.
If this came from Nick, I wouldn't have been so surprised. But coming from him, I know he's letting me see his soft side and trust him.
God, Ren was right.
He's really a coconut.
Hard shell outside all that gentleness.
Though I'll prefer him to be the ass he normally is. I can't bear the emotional Killer.
It must have taken so much courage for him to say it all out to Flynn.
Now I wonder why he couldn't speak a single word to that girl he loves. Poor man, really bad in expressing his emotions.
Talking about love, I didn't even reply to Martins. Oh I need to talk to him too. He must me worried to the moon for me.
"How's Nick?"
I asked suddenly realising that I forgot him completely.
"Doing well. Started on fluid diet. He'll be back soon if he keeps up with the treatment."
Ren sounded drained and exhausted but still happy.
"He will. He has to answer a few of my questions." I said angrily. How dare he left without telling me.
"Both of our questions."
Killer corrected me.
Yeah.
He'll totally kill him for keeping things from him.
I can already see that.
************************************
Things took on a toll I never imagined.
Nick recovered very fast and returned to us on one condition - that he'll get enough rest.
Killer gave him morning and evening doses of 'you stupid fool' , he heard good things from Uncle on a daily basis, and promised me to never leave my side again.
Ethan passed out from KMA with tears and pride in his eyes. He promised to stay in touch with me no matter what. He called me his BFF. I had a hard time watching him and his team separate and leave for different locations. He was going to CCTC while everyone else left for field. It's heartbreaking when you have to part ways from people you love. He was lucky, he can hear their voices again, see them again. Some people are not that lucky.
The love of my life asked me out at the same place he got in trouble because of me. Martins proposed me on the same boat and this time we kissed, without any disturbance and surveillance.
Uncle started calling me her daughter despite me continuing to call him uncle.
You don't have to call me Father to feel that - he said and I was glad.
There was one man whom I'll ever call Dad and it will kill me to take that away from him. Still, Uncle left no stone unturned to keep me safe, if Killer left any scope anyway.
He went hardass on Martins following my yes and Killer enjoyed that thoroughly.
Killer, I mean Wills, it will take time to get hang of his real name - I'm not very keen though. We all knew how much he liked Martins and now he was going all bossy brother over him everytime he could get a chance.
"Keep her happy." is all that would come out of his mouth but his tone said everything else.
Whatever void was created by my mum's loss, Flynn took over. I wonder how could a man be so sensitive to understand other person's pain.
I had a full family with me now - a father, two brothers, a sister, a fiancé, a grandpa cum mother cum Flynn.
Martins begged and begged me to leave KMA and move in with him. He was worried that I'll be hurt with the memories of being there waiting for dad to pick me up one day. I might have considered his suggestion but I knew that he'll leave his case study in the middle, just for me.
Ren confirmed it and I said a strict No.
Uncle asked me if I wanted to join the forces. He thought I had a sharp brain and good physique to not do it.
Talking about it with Wills and Nick, I decided that I won't.
I was never interested in joining. Dad's bad image would be too much for me to clear on a daily basis - a huge price to pay for my capabilities.
Moreover every little thing will remind me of him and his weakness and I'll have to muster enormous strength to convince myself that I wasn't the reason he did all that. I can't do that, I'm not that strong.
So I decided to give my life a different goal altogether.
Martins's study was to go for another year and I enrolled in Honours in college.
You have to get a graduation degree to stand in front of your super intelligent and highly educated husband - Killer joked but he was right.
Uncle James got a family house right next to KMA for me to stay. He said it's impossible to convince Nick and Killer to let you stay. I face palmed myself for asking that question that day. They still think that cadets look at me with those eyes.
I wasn't even given an option to stay. My stuff was packed right in front of my eyes and sent to the family home. Though I still spent most of my time at KMA.
As soon as Martins's study got over, he was called for international presentations before he could pull me out from Kravendale.
It was settled that I'll stay with my new family till I finish my studies and Martins finishes his. Sounds really funny.
Both my brothers found the love of their lives in the most dramatic ways!
If I start with that, I'll have to write two huge books!
*********
Killer was right.
You have to walk out of that very moment before it swallows you whole.
My life had shattered and I had nothing more to lose in my life. I didn't fear losing anything anymore.
But the last thing I'd do on earth was - take my own life.
I missed my mum each day. I wished she was here to see her daughter graduating, getting engaged and settling down with a loving life partner - something she always said she'd do.
I couldn't stop thinking about my dad. I loved my dad. He was my superhero. But yes, I also hate him for what he did to his country, to mum and to himself.
Even in his last words, he taught me something important - not to do the things he did.
I was a strong person.
It took me immense pain and huge support to understand that I was strong.
If not for my new family, I wouldn't be standing on my feet today.
I swore to do the same for others - to show path to anyone living in 'the moment'.
I know what awaits.
Hope and Happiness.
************************************
Writer's notes to be updated later.
Any query / question / character left unfinished - please comment / DM me.
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So this whole week was a ride in the mountains and yesterday's update was a push off the cliff.
I hope this epilogue gave you the much needed sky view during your flight down.
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Comments and votes are most welcome so keep them coming...
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