It's so calm up here. So peaceful and quiet with only the whispers of the easy flowing wind swirling through your hair and pulling you towards the lapping waves of the ocean. The small town on Vandaria's eastern edge is quiet. Its heart has gone to the mountains in the north for safety, taking the sound of life with them. Only the small critters and slowly overgrowing plants claim the town as theirs now, and I'm just a visitor on a rooftop, looking out at the expanse of nothingness with monsters beneath the surface, and watching the sails of The Trinity Hind billow east.

For all this calm around me, I feel anything but calm.

That ship carries more precious cargo than it ever will. Four royals, one of which is my sister, ten dying women, twelve chaperones I don't trust to actually chaperone, and a bunch of pirates who were already drunk when we arrived at dawn. I didn't bother saying goodbye to any of them. Goodbyes are final, and much as I may regret not getting to say it in the past, I refuse to say it now.

Goodbye means you don't know if you'll see them again, and if you don't, then at least you gave them a decent farewell.

No. I told them I'd see them in three cycles, all in one piece. Fauna tried to say goodbye, and I told Darius that if none of them make it back, I don't want his damn kingdom. He already made me his Hand, then proceeded to leave me as Regent without having consulted me about any of it, or at least give me fair warning. I'm still furious at the man. I've got a hundred other things to worry about with the storm of everything that's been dumped on me. It's all so unlike the harmonious crash of the waves below. Where it splashes and laps sing the ballad of the coast, my thoughts rumble the bass of the sea Gods in dark clouded skies.

Just when life seems to come to a somewhat still water in the new normal of my life, the Gods drop a boulder in the middle of it and send a tsunami to drown me.

I don't know where I went after that night in Cadorelin. All I remember is seeing red and suddenly waking up the next night with Mary yelling against a migraine thrumming in my head. From what I still remember of her rant, it seems I got drunk and wandered the town unattended and was caught by my own assassins. Thankfully enough it was just Blaise and Julyan who were misted in by Willa, along with another two dozen assassins who all came to hunt for me since I never returned to the camp, and they haven't said a word about it since. Their trained expressions make it hard to tell if they've been sticking close to me since then because they're concerned, or because Mary has them tailing me.

It's annoying.

Much as I want to put my anger into my fists and buried in people's faces and ribs, I don't know where my emotions are these days. I'm so damaged from learning that everything was a lie and that who I am is based on nothing but death and destruction, that emotions I once felt so often now numb everything.

Rose wasn't my fate and all I feel is disappointment. In who, I don't know, but that's all I feel. I feel unsure about knowing that she was Will's fate and I've carried nothing but a death sentence on his name ever since we found him over her body. My mind doesn't even know where to begin and where to end. It has no middle, and it has no plotline. It's just a barrel of shit shaken until it turned into nothing but an ugly brown mess, and tossed into the middle of the sea to wash up on shore, and be left in a pile of junk because that's what it is. Junk. Trash. Fragments of a life that never was.

I don't even know how I feel towards Will anymore. One second I'm angry - at him, at Xaxias, at my father, at Rose, and my mother for all keeping their words tied on their tongue - and the next I feel ashamed for the act I committed. Acts.

For Saint's sake, I bedded his fate and carried her around like a Godsdamned trophy right in front of him. And then he came out of a trance with her blood all over his hands and my sister trying to kill him.

Now I'm even more confused than I was before.

Two days ago when Fauna walked in on me playing out mother's song on Claritia's piano, I didn't say a word. Not as she talked and talked about an explosion that ended up taking the Ginerva's power and immortality that I somehow missed the day before. Then about mom and her secondary death and funeral I missed, and my sister going into the afterlife to talk to her and nearly dying herself. Again.

Then I was silent because she told me what Rose wanted me to know. She wants me to live. Forgive everyone including myself, and live.

How am I supposed to live knowing that everything was fake?

Forgiving is hard, but living...I don't have time for that. I'm in charge of a kingdom now - two kingdoms. The Jade Assassins are still mine to command, and Vandaria and Thralia and the refugees from Adaeric now look up to me to lead them. So four kingdoms really. Less than an hour in and I already want to quit and hand the job off to the Lords and Generals who nearly started a riot in the ballroom.

None of them can be trusted though, just as Darius stated when I yelled at both him and my sister for making a decision so reckless as to leave me to deal with the start of a war. For an hour I fought them on it, and I didn't say a word to them the whole ride here. A day and a half of my back aching at my poor posture as we rode the water wolves here nonstop. Everyone's bladder was near exploding when the silhouette of the town came into view, though the Ginerva released their stomach contents more times than once on the journey, motion suddenly a thing that didn't agree with them.

Svenja left before we did, ensuring the ship was here and ready to leave as soon as we arrived. That damn pirate is probably one of the few things that weren't a lie in my life. I told her as much, and she walked onto her ship cackling like a hyena. Pretty sure she was just trying to be funny, but even her first mate doesn't know everything about the Comandante, and I only knew her for three months before I found her six cycles ago.

The Bhaltayr carried the Ginerva onto the floating death trap, each giving dramatic farewells that consisted of smiles and bows that made me want to shove them off the side of the dock. Garrison overheard me complaining to my sister and her claimed fate again and told me that I was a Prince by birthright, and the only one currently of age to carry the title of Regent. In that moment, I saw why my sister had her fights and slight loathing for the man. I drew my line at having to wear a crown, though. I don't want its weight to shove me deeper beneath the surface of everything. At least I didn't get any arguments about that.

They untied the ropes and raised the anchor, and I came up here to watch the ship shrink smaller and smaller against the glare of the still-rising sun. It's nothing more than a small blurry shape of it now, no bigger than the nail of my smallest finger.

I hope my mother was right. That there's someone across the sea that could help us. Breathtaking as it was to see the Fae leap from the drawings in children's books, I've seen the monsters Xaxias can raise, and I'm not sure if all of Ker will be enough. We're fighting the underworld here. Last I checked, only the worst go down there, which means everyone I've ever killed as the Sinister Fox could rise from their graves and come back to kill me.

It's...a lot.

So much to do, to think about, to oversee...and it's all making me confused and tired and overwhelmed, and my sister to whom I also don't know how to feel about, is sailing away in search of perhaps our last hope.

I close my eyes for a second against the warmth of the sun, once again taking in the peace of the coast and the life it holds. Come a few days or a cycle or a month, this may all be truly silent. I've taken a lot of things for granted in the past. I don't want to be doing that again.

Soft, careful footsteps scrape on the floor. I open my eyes but don't look down at Kat as she comes to stand beside me and looks out at the disappearing ship. Gods I've been so strangled with every little thing that even she has become a blurry thing in my life. I love her and she's still a rock against my ever-changing bipolar current, I just...I don't know where I stand. I loved Rose but it was fake. I loved my mother but she was a Queen. I loved Will at one point and everyone knows how that turned out. I love my sister and I've lost her more times than one could imagine.

I'm afraid to touch Kat. I'm afraid that if I do, she too will somehow be lost. I'll lose her. I burn everything I touch. Why else have I been avoiding everyone and my responsibilities as the Jade King? The Jades are my father's legacy, and I don't want that to die either, because then what else do I have?

Blood on my hands that can never be washed off, and the rubble of my life crumbled beneath my feet and snapped further with every step I tried to take to get out of it. That's what I have.

I want to hold her hand and kiss her and feel that numbness go away again, but...I don't want to lose her. It's why I keep my hands in my pockets and my thick coat on despite the warming temperature that brings sweat to my brow. I've tried touching her to see what would happen. I suppose that means she's technically already cursed to fall, but every time I do so, I feel...weird. Not bad weird, good weird. It makes me crave her more than ever, but then I remember all the lies and the pain, and I don't think I deserve the good feelings.

Rose's relayed words have been repeating in my head over and over since Fauna spoke them. So much so that I've begun to be able to hear them in her voice. The voice that sounded like a spring breeze and a lover's caress...

Gods and their Saints, it's thoughts like that that make forgiving harder to do.

What right do I have to love another's fate? What right do I have to have the memories that should've been his? As much as a lot was taken from me, more was taken from him, but sorry as I may feel for him, he still did it. I still see him in that bakery. I know it wasn't him, but that doesn't change what I've felt for years.

The waves glisten with the brightness of the sun, but I feel like one of Xaxias's shadows that just sucks the light and life out of everything. I don't like this feeling, which is one of the few things that keeps me from doing a lot of stupid things.

My eyes drift down to Kat's hand sitting on the barrier of the roof. Darius's bracelet burns bright against her skin. The only sign of his life still holding strong. I look down to the streets below. To Víđarr who has stayed at my sister's command to carry out his purpose of protecting Vandaria. Her only sign of life. I have a feeling I'll be glancing at both flame and wolf several times each day, just to reassure myself that they're still alive and only a call away.

Kat's fingers curl into her palm, and I look up to where her eyes still watch the ship and her teeth chew on the inside of her cheek. Much as my mind warns me over and over about the possibilities and consequences, I made a promise to her, and I don't break my promises. It's why my sister made me promise that I wouldn't try and do everything on my own. That I'd surround myself with people I trust to help the next few cycles.

So I take a deep, calming breath and lay my hand over Kat's, anchoring us both to the ground and away from the ledge. I hear her breath catch for a second, her mind snapping back into her own control. A second later her hand flattens out again, and I keep mine on it, stealing away the feel of the world around me for a short moment. It doesn't last too long when I hear the single tap of a foot. The silence that follows tells me that it's Rykiel.

I look back to the ship now gone over the horizon. I've been stalling, constantly wishing that the ship would travel slower even though Darius pushes against the sails, shortening their travel time.

I take another steadying breath and feel all the weight slowly settle back on my shoulders. Rykiel waits a moment more before speaking.

"Word just came in." Kat jumps at his voice, not having noticed the identical twin shadow standing behind us. "The Fae have done as asked and put their numbers on the border. Xaxias has also arrived as predicted, but he's paused his advance at the sight of them, four miles away."

Not for long, no doubt.

"Any reports from Fernweh?" I ask, now staring at the waking ocean.

"The Generals have left for their positions upon their men, the remaining Lords and Ladies of the Court have decided to return rather than join the others in safety, and Willa is here to take us all back to the castle." A glance back down at the street and I instantly spot the immortal woman. I wish she could've just stayed at the castle and left me to spend another day running the width of the kingdom. I really am going to kill my sister and Darius for this.

Turning Kat's hand so that I can intertwine our fingers, I turn to Rykiel before I can change my mind and leave both our hands cold. "We'll be making a stop before then."

The Rykiels don't normally show expressions, but whichever twin this is, lets that mask slip and smirks with something similar to that of pride. "I had been wondering when you'd let us Jades have some fun."

"Believe me," I say, heading for the stairs to take one last opportunity to stall. "You're all going to love having something from your nightmares launching for your head and heart with more bloodlust than a cannibal."

"Nightmares show you yourself in your darker form, the beast within, and it's terrifying because nothing is scarier than the knowledge that you are capable of such horrors should you drift too far from yourself. In the words of your father...today is not the day my demons win, nor will they ever, for I have something better than bloodlust.'"

"And what's that?" I ask, entirely curious considering I had never heard him say that.

"'The strength no power could give nor take, the armor no weapon could pierce, yet the only thing that could kill me without drawing blood,' is what your father would recite. Took me a decade to figure out what he meant by it, and when I did, I was surprised at how simple it was. A thing that cannot be killed, but easily mistreated and trampled. A thing so strong it could kill someone slower than any form of torture we could possibly come up with. It is the only indestructible thing in this world, yet the very thing that destroys millions by buckling in on itself."

He pauses in the open doorway and I stop with him, letting Kat join the others as they prepare to mist to the front line. He looks down at me in his larger form, that mask still lowered as the morning sun lights his face beneath the hood and the scars I have never noticed crossing the Jade's kill mark over his eye. It's been healed over by the hand of a gifted healer, only noticeable by the lighter discoloring.

I've never known anyone who had lived in the same house with which they betrayed, let alone given the chance at redemption. A kill mark is a death sentence, never taken back nor redeemable. Only my father knew of his and his twin's existence and their true features, and they weren't seen as they always had their hoods low and stuck to the shadows. This must be the second twin.
He smiles as if he knows the puzzle pieces I've pieced together, but he says nothing about it. Instead, he repeats my father's words once more and leaves me in the doorway.

Seagulls wake and announce the new day and the warning of the winds. Somewhere in the ocean, my sister sails for our mother's last gift. Alone in a room, a man sits alone with no compass to point north. Stretching for miles two sides line up to begin a war for millions. This world is not prepared for the massacres and graves to come, but with my father's words laying on me like the touch of the sun's breath, I straighten my back, shift the weight on it, and head to the frontline with a mantra on my heart.

Today is not the day my demons win, nor will they ever, for I have something better than bloodlust. The strength no power could give nor take, the armor no weapon could pierce, yet the only thing that could kill me without drawing blood. Meager or plethora with it I will wield it like a sword with its own battle cry. I will die with it in my heart, and I will fight until it's buried there.

I have my love. They have nothing.