"Darius?"

Gods that felt like taking one of Arthur's full-blown punches to the gut, times two. One minute I was practicing a maneuver Arthur taught me cycles ago, and the next all of the air in my lungs rushed out and my stomach twisted. At first, I thought it was Clarice - that something happened to her – but then I looked up from the ground that I was hunched over and found someone blinking in and out by a nearby tree. There and then gone, and then there and gone again. Like a flickering light until it finally went out, and she was gone.

"Darius."

"I'm fine, I'm okay."

"What the hell was that?" Alex yells as he and the others form their protective arch around me. Mother hens.

Garrison bends down where I kneel, still catching my breath. I wave him off, feeling the pain disappear. "I don't know."

"Clarice-"

"It wasn't her," I quickly tell Arthur. The pain is leaving, but panic sets in as it does. That felt like something too similar to when I tore through the Dearg Forest to not make me instantly think back to her.

"But-"

I jump back to my feet, already pushing past Arthur and Winston before they can stop me. "It wasn't her."

For all of a cycle, I've been able to keep my worst fears from taking over me entirely, but after meeting the Comandante of the Devil's Pride Fleet and having to tell them why we're out here looking and smelling like we've been run over by a stampede of horses, it's all come back. No one really knows what happened to make me lose control of the elements, but Sibella had her theories after I woke up from being unconscious for eight hours. Not nearly as long as it was when the elements first flooded into mine and Clarice's body, and yet it felt like I used ten times more power than I did then.

She talked about this elemental bond that would link me and Clarice together in a few ways, but ones in which could communicate through unspoken means. The elements could sense the others across any distance, though they'll constantly beg for close proximity. They'll sense when the others are in danger - life-threatening danger. I held onto that, using the silence the elements were giving as a sign that she was still alive and still...okay. I held onto it for all of a few minutes, and then Sibella kept talking. Saying that she thought the elemental bond was the thing that was torn from me. That the elements could no longer sense their opposing partners.

I didn't want to let go of the hope that what the elements gave was suddenly gone. The reassurance and the compass to find her again, but we've been searching for more than six cycles and the elements have revealed nothing. This is the first thing I've felt in six cycles, and it's bringing up the worst of my fears. That she's gone and we're too late.

I scrambled to get it back – to get her back the second I figured out what had happened when I woke up in the cabin, but it was gone. It was the last thing I had of her aside from the memories, and like the snap of a twig, it broke. I didn't feel the pain when the power rose, didn't see anything but red as my feet left the ground and my clothes singed against my flames.

I've avoided the subject to keep these attacks away, but now I find my breathing becoming shorter, my head spinning, my heart pumping faster, and my hands shaking. It first happened three days into our search and continued throughout our journey in Cressida. The boys tried getting me to confess my symptoms to Siscilla and my parents, but I have enough knowledge in the art of healing to recognize a panic attack.

They've since been a no-show – that is until Arthur let it slip and my stomach instantly dropped again.

Something's wrong, a voice screams in my skull.

My stomach hurts, I'm sweating...I'm trying to breathe but the breaths come out from a swollen throat.

Two seconds – two seconds and I'll faint.

She's gone. She's missing, and I'm going crazy.

I'm losing myself day by day, inch by inch - and right now I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe?

I need to calm down. I need to - to breathe.

The cold feels welcoming – like death.

Gods and their Saints, am I dying?

Is this what dying slowly feels like?

"Darius."

What if she's dying? Or if we both are?"

"Darius. Breathe."

I can't – I can't stop hyper – hyperventilating. Help. Help – it's worse. Gods, it's worse than last time.

"Tell me what you see, Darius. Five things. Name five things Darius. Focus on that. Five things."

Five things, I repeat to myself.

My eyes open, and I find myself standing at the edge of the cliff. How did I get here?

Five things.

I force myself to look up. To focus on something else other than the wheezing. "The ocean. The...the sand. Rocks. The moon...the...the wind."

"Good." Henry. It's Henry talking. A friend. "Deep breathes, and get ready to run."

"Run?"

"Deep breath."

I go to ask him again about why of all things to do, we're about to run, but he takes my wrist in his hand and starts pulling me along.

*****

"Feel better?"

"Yes, actually."

I don't know how long we've been running, but my mind is clearing up from my panic attack. Henry had to drag me for a while. It's hard to run when you're already out of breath before you've begun, but somehow it worked. It cleared the chaos in my mind and dried out the flood. I never thought I'd find running so comforting seeing as I hate running, but that's what it was. Comforting.

"How did you know-"

"My step-sister used to get panic attacks," he answers, staring out at the sea only lit by the moonlight trickling across the waves. "I would've offered you help when they first started, but you would always lock yourself in a cabinet or a closet or room before I could."

I remember those episodes. We stayed at inns the first cycle or so, using them to listen to the people talk during meal hours and the late ones where they'd drink and their tongues would loosen. When I felt an attack coming on, I would find the nearest enclosed room to try and work through it myself. I suppose I never wanted to impart the burden of them onto Arthur or the Bhaltayr, so I took it all by myself. I never thought that they'd want to help.
"Sorry. I suppose I should be thankful there's no door out here."

"Humph."

We jog around the tree, the same tree that the flickering woman was at, and head to where the others sit around the two roasting rabbits on the fire. They haven't said a word as we ran back and forth, but I've known them long enough to know that their silence is their worry at its fullest.

We slow our pace to a walk, and I take the flask Ozzie offers with a nod of thanks.

"Forgive me," Arthur says from the other side of the fire. "I didn't mean for you to have another attack. I only wanted to know..." He drifts off, no doubt stopping himself before I go into another one.

It's because I am now fully in control of my thoughts that I say, "If she was in trouble, or...gone, I'd know – we'd know. I cannot say for sure if she's alright or not. I wouldn't really even know how to tell," I admit ashamedly.

I can see that my words do little to comfort them. For a month, the continent has been visibly darker – even for the winter season. Normally, there are piles of snow that we'd have to trudge through, but it's as if the clouds have no snow to give. No matter how many of them gather in the skies or how dark they get, little falls from them. The trees are still barren, the animals not entirely tucked away in their warm burrows and caves as they should be. The fire and sea breeze are the only living things around us. It's like the land knows what she's going through, what's missing. Along with looking over our shoulder for her, we watch the grass beneath our feet as we travel, praying that it doesn't disappear entirely within a blink of an eye.

I don't know when Garrison and Vlad got back, nor did I hear them ask about why Henry and I were running, though I suppose it had to have been while my head was still trying to pin down the scrambling thoughts. They sit with the others now, neither looking up as Garrison finishes skinning the third rabbit and Vlad starts cutting up one that's done cooking.

"Easy hunt?" I ask them, sitting down between Mal and Ozzie. Henry takes up a spot between Amel and Alex, both of which punch him in the arms at the same time. They start getting a small wrestling match and the rest of us watch for entertainment. No idea why they did it, but I'm grateful for the distraction.

"Found the burrow," Vlad answers. He gives me a small smile, likely already guessing that I need it. He always seems to know.

"Ten coppers says Henry kicks both of their asses," Mal bargains to me.

"You're on," Ozzie and I agree in unison. Winston and Garrison take Mal's side, Benny on ours.

"Fifteen says it's Alex," Gabe claims, getting Ethan to join and Vlad to oppose the rise of the bet.

We all look to Arthur, waiting to see where he stands in our betting game. He looks up from his knife cleaning, staring at all of us as if waiting for us to say something. His gaze flicks to the three rolling and cursing men for one second before turning back to us. "You all owe me and Alister twenty coppers. Amel won."

"What do mean, they're still-" Ethan gets cut short as Amel who was stuck between Alex and Henry not a second ago, somehow gets his arms around Alex's neck and his legs around Henry's torso. He tightens his grip, forcing the two losers to tap out and surrender.

"Alister never voiced his bet," Winston argues confidently.

"I voiced it for him," Arthur counters, still not taking his eyes off of his work.

"That doesn't count!"

"Of course, it counts. You all made your bets for or against Alex and Henry, and since neither Alister nor I placed a bet either way for either fighter, the only option left and, the only option therefore automatically given to us, was in support of Amel, and he won."

"But-"

"Pay up losers!" Al yells, standing from his spot and holding out his hands to collect their winnings. Begrudgingly, we all take the coins from our pockets and drop them into his hand. Carefully dancing his way back to Arthur's side so that he doesn't lose his money, he plops down on the ground and spreads the counting in front of him, dividing up the total.

"My pockets are full," Arthur dismisses, pushing the pile meant for him back into Alister's.

"Well, now they'll be fuller-" Al argues, pushing the pile back.

Arthur returns the stash to the rest, Al instantly forcing it away. "Well, I don't need nor want the money-"

"But you won half the earnings-"

"And I don't want them-"

"Oh for Saint's sake, I'll take his share-" Arthur grabs Ethan's wrist before he can touch even one of the coins and uses the singular hold alone to flip Ethan onto his back with a cry.

"You lost the bet, and you-" he turns his pointed finger to Alister "-are going to take the money, or else I'm going to eat your share of the rabbit."

"Fine, but just so you know, you're never going to see it again." Al starts picking up the copper coins, dropping them into a small pouch he ties to his waistband.

I watch as Arthur watches Al add the coins to his already given share. To be honest, all the money we have is technically Arthur's. I can't get into the royal treasury to pay for everything, so we had to resort to using the Jade Assassin's earnings to keep us fed, slept, and bathed when we're in towns or cities. I've already vowed to pay him back every coin spent and then some for the kindness, but that's not why I'm staring at the two.

It's no mystery that Alister's been glued to Arthur's side like a leech. You can see on his face that he hates splitting up when we search the towns, and he perks up when we meet back, even if no one has good news. Alister's relationship preference is not like Ethabe's, that much is obvious. I believe Alister thinks of Arthur more like a big brother than anything, more so than the twelve of us he grew up with. It doesn't pain me as much as I kind of wish it did that Al doesn't think of me or the others like that. Arthur is someone we can trust, and I can see it now in the way that he glances over at Alister that a part of him thinks of him as a little brother.

Alister's sixteen, not turning seventeen until the month of Zephyr, roughly eight months from now. I know little about him, but I do know that his family is limited to one, a father who loves him dearly and forced him to become a part of the royal guard to have a better life. His father shattered his arm in a factory accident, rendering him incapable of holding a job that would support the two of them. His mother left when he was young, and his father doesn't talk about her. Al only mentions his father in passing but with pride always coating his eyes when he does.

We know that Al thinks of us all as brothers, but I think he mostly sees us as his friends. Arthur, however, he's more to Al, and all of us know it. Al and Arthur couldn't be more different, but maybe that's what made them so at ease with each other from the start. I mean, sure, Alister's eyes were wide as saucers when he first met the assassin, but I think it was more out of fascination than fear. He did, after all, know more about both the Fox and the Ebony than anyone I met before.

It's not that creepy, stalker kind of knowing, but more of a curious fascination. The rumor of them being siblings was never a question, as they confirmed it all the time according to witnesses and victims.

Maybe that's what drew Alister to them. The idea of two siblings who could kill with a flick of their wrists, teaming everything and anything together to be efficient and deadly. Alister never says it, but you can see that sometimes his eyes go jealous or distant when Mal talks about his sister, or when Amel and Benny do the whole sibling bond thing. He's the only only-child in our group, and now he has someone that he wants to fill the empty shoes that were never there to begin with.

Arthur may already have a sister, but he has yet to push Alister away and I have no doubt that Arthur hasn't noticed Alister's movements. Who knows, maybe Clarice will find herself with another brother to chase around.