Bex held Andi close to her chest, watching her nod off in her arms. Her baby daughter was growing and changing every day. She had Bex's own black hair, and her almond-shaped eyes had darkened from the midnight blue she'd been born with to chocolate brown. But Bex could see a little of Bowie in her too. She had his nose, and his beautifully full lips, and she was adorably pudgy, the way he had been in his baby pictures. To Bex, she was the most perfect baby in the world.

Sadly though, Bex quickly realized that having a baby wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, the way it felt the day Andi was born. Andi cried all night, leaving Bex irritable and sleep-deprived. And deep inside her, her heart ached with unexplainable grief. She cried often, for no reason at all, and her mother just didn't understand. She expected her to bounce back right away and become a full time parent. When Bex couldn't do that, she got annoyed and took over. There were days Bex barely got to spend time with Andi at all, because her mother was so occupied with her. She and Celia fought constantly.

Bex felt most at peace when she could just hold her daughter and stare at her, like she was just then. She could just look at her all day and be perfectly content.

She smiled, watching as Andi made little sucking motions in her sleep, dreaming her little baby dreams. She was so innocent and pure. She didn't know the heartbreak of being human yet. Bex hoped she wouldn't have to learn life's hard truths for a very long time; that she'd stay a trusting, happy baby for as long as possible.

Andi stirred and opened her eyes, gazing up at Bex. Even from the day she was born, she was alert and engaged in everything around her. She had a wisdom about her beyond her age. Bex's father called her an "old soul."

Bex touched the infant's tiny hand with her finger. She smiled when Andi wrapped her dimpled fist around it, gripping it hard.

Bex began to sing softly, hoping to sooth Andi back to sleep.

"Take my hand... take my whole life too.

For I can't help falling in love with you.

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin?

If I can't help... falling in love with you."

Bex closed her eyes as hot tears leaked out and ran down her cheeks. Why had she chosen that song?

"You have the most beautiful voice, Bex. I've always thought so."

Bex looked up to see Ham standing in the doorway of the nursery.

"I was just passing by and I heard you singing," he told her. "Please don't stop on account of me," he said softly. "I was enjoying listening."

Bex blinked back tears and nodded.

"Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling so it goes

Some things are meant-"

She sobbed, unable to go on.

"Oh, honey," her dad sighed, coming in the room and kneeling beside the rocking chair.

"Bowie's never coming back, is he?" she breathed through her tears.

"I don't know, sweetheart," Ham admitted, his heart breaking for his little girl. "I wish I could tell you yes, but I can't."

"But I will tell you what will help you heal," he went on. He touched Andi's tiny foot. "This little girl, right here. Love her enough for both of you. Love her as fiercely as you can, and neither of you will be missing anything."

****

Bex was sitting on the couch, watching a rerun of Kim Possible. Andi had cried all night, but at that moment, she was laying quietly in her playpen, studying the mobile that hung above it with fascination. She seemed to love everything bright and colorful. Bex glanced at her to make sure she was still content, before stretching out and resting her head on a throw pillow.

"What are you doing?" Celia cried, coming into the room.

"Nothing," Bex said, sitting up. "Just resting a minute."

"Don't have you have anything better to do than lay around and watch cartoons?" her mom asked her. "It's time to grow up. You have a newborn." She turned off the TV. "You should be taking care of her."

"I'm just resting a little!" Bex snapped. "Andi is fine!"

"It's past time for her feeding," Celia reminded her. "It's important that you keep her on a strict schedule."

"I'm going to feed her!" Bex told her mother. "Give me a break! I just pushed a human out of my body. I think I earned the right to rest every now and then." She still didn't feel fully recovered from the trauma of childbirth. She felt weak, and the soreness hadn't gone away when she sat down, or moved a certain way. But her mom didn't seem to care.

"I didn't have someone doing everything for me when I had you," her mom said. "And I managed to keep you alive. And she should be laying on her stomach!" She went to the playpen and turned Andi over. Andi heaved a little angry puff of air, as if she were annoyed to lose sight of her mobile.

Bex decided to ignore her mom. She didn't feel like fighting. She went to the playpen and looked down at Andi, who was happily gurgling and trying to turn herself back over. She didn't care if Bex was five minutes late with her feeding. "Hi, Andiman," she smiled. "Are you ready for your dinner?"

She bent down and scooped Andi up, feeling her comforting weight in her arms. Andi was so soft and warm, holding her could always cheer Bex up, even when her broken heart hurt the worst. She turned to the stairs.

"Where are you going with her?"

She stopped to look at her mother. "I'm going to feed her in my room. Why?"

"I'd rather you stay down here," Celia said.

"Why?" Bex frowned.

"You could fall asleep and roll over on her," her mother said. "Or she could fall off the bed."

"Mom!" Bex cried. "I'm not an imbecile! It's the middle of the afternoon! I'm wide awake!"

Andi screwed up her face and started howling. Her cheeks flushed bright red. As little as she was, she had powerful lungs.

"You scared her with your yelling, Rebecca!" Celia scolded, reaching for the baby. "Come here, sweetheart. I'm here!"

Bex backed away. "No. I'm taking her upstairs, and I'm feeding her." She hurried away before her mom could stop her.

By the time she reached her bedroom, Andi's cries had softened to tiny whimpers. Bex shushed her rhythmically, locking the door behind her. She put some music on and carried Andi to the bed. The baby also seemed to enjoy music. That was another way she favored Bowie.

"Mama's here," Bex soothed. "Mama!" She made it a point to remind Andi often that she was her mama. Every once in a while, Andi gave her a strange look, like she didn't even know who she was, and that scared her.

She played a little game of peekaboo to get Andi to calm down. Then, she opened her shirt and settled back against the pillows with the infant cradled in her arms. Andi's crying ceased as she latched onto Bex and began nursing greedily.

"You're a hungry girl, aren't you?" Bex cooed, smoothing back Andi's downy black hair. Celia had tried to discourage her from breastfeeding after Andi was born, but she was glad she'd stood her ground.

She relaxed against the pillows. "This is my favorite time with you," she told her daughter. "You know why? It's the one thing only I can do for you, and no one else." She paused. "Although mom would probably try if there were a way." She laughed wryly.

Andi responded by kneading Bex's breast with her chubby little hand.

"I wish your daddy could see you," Bex told Andi. "I'm sorry he's not around for you. I know if he saw how pretty, and cute, and roly-poly you are, he would fall in love. How could he not?" She pressed her lips to Andi's soft head. "But you have me. I'll try to be enough."

Sometimes when Bex and Andi were alone together, she imagined a conversation between them, trying to give voice to what Andi would say if she could talk.

"What's your daddy like?" she asked softly. "He's really sweet, really talented, and he's so handsome. He's going to be a rock star, you know. You'd love him as much as he'd love you. And your grandma and grandpa... your daddy's parents, not mine. They're the nicest people you'd ever want to know. Your grandma Cookie would go nuts over you." She smiled picturing Bowie's mom fussing over Andi. She'd be the kind of grandmother who'd bake cookies with Andi, and read her storybooks, and want to be called Nana. Celia refused to be called a grandmother at all. "I hope you get to meet them both someday."

When Andi finished eating, Bex held her against her shoulder and burped her, patting her back gently.

Finally, Andi belched and spit up all over her pink sleeper. "It's okay," Bex laughed. "I don't care if you mess up your clothes. We can just change them."

She took her baby to the nursery and grabbed a clean Onesie, then she lay her on the changing table and dressed her. "All better!" she grinned, tickling Andi's round belly.

Andi gurgled, kicking her short little legs.

Bex laughed. "You're so cute! Mama could just gobble you up!" She bent down to kiss her daughter's cheeks, lips, hands, tummy, legs. She covered her with kisses from head to toe. Andi ate up the attention, squealing.

Bex had gotten so into their game though, that she'd forgotten about the lipstick she was wearing- until she realized that Andi's face and clothes were marred with red lip prints. Her mother was going to kill her. Andi messing up her clothes by accident was one thing, but this was another.

She cleaned Andi's face and hands with a baby wipe, and changed her diaper, which was wet, and then her pajamas again. Then she buried the soiled outfit in the hamper, and carried Andi to her crib.

Once the baby was settled in, she stood over her, watching her fall asleep. "Goodnight beautiful girl," she said petting Andi's head. "I love you so much."

She dropped Andi's dirty diaper in the diaper pail. She'd noticed the diaper drawer was getting empty, and decided to go get another package from the garage. If she didn't refill it, she'd never hear the end of it.

She went downstairs, but she paused in the hallway when she heard her parents talking in the kitchen. Her mother sounded upset. She backed against the doorway to listen.

"I don't trust her alone with that baby, Ham," Celia said, pacing. "Something is going to happen one day."

"What are you so afraid is going to happen?" Ham asked her, his voice it's usual calm.

"Anything," Celia fretted. "You know how irresponsible she is! I'm so afraid she'll drop her, or get frustrated and shake her, or let her get a hold of something dangerous." She was close to tears. "I noticed Andi had a diaper rash when I was changing her last night, so obviously she's not keeping her dry enough."

Bex's eyes stung, and her throat felt tight. She wasn't perfect. But she'd never, ever shake Andi. She'd never do anything to hurt her. She loved Andi, more than life itself. How could her mom think she would harm her baby?

"Celia," Ham said. "She gave birth to Andi. Surely she has some instincts about how to take care of her."

"Rebecca can't even take care of herself!" Celia snapped. "That child needs real adults caring for her. Not another child."

Bex turned away. The diapers could wait. She'd didn't want to have to go through the kitchen. And she didn't want to stick around to hear any more.

****

Bex went to her bedroom, feeling empty inside. She felt like the worst excuse for a human being in the world. Was she really that bad? She was trying, hard, to be a good mother to Andi. But no matter what she did, she screwed up. Maybe some people weren't meant to be mothers?

She took her memory box from under her bed, and opened the secret compartment. It was fuller now. Along with Bowie's letter and the picture of the two of them, it also held the Polaroid of she and Andi, and their hospital wristbands. She'd keep them forever, so she could always remember the best day of her life. One day, when Andi was big enough to understand, she'd show them to her. Andi would marvel over how small her wrist had been when she was born.

Bex smiled, in spite of her dark mood. It was funny to imagine Andi as a full-grown kid. She pictured the two of them being best friends, like Lorelei and Rory Gilmore, telling each other everything, laughing and crying together, having dozens of inside jokes that no one else understood. That was all she wanted from life. But she was starting to wonder if they'd ever have that.

****

"Rebecca, what is this?"

Bex opened her eyes. She must have fallen asleep for a moment. Now her mother was standing in her room with a laundry basket full of baby clothes. She held up a crumpled sleeper covered in lipstick marks. Crap. She'd meant to take care of it before her mom saw it.

"This is a brand new outfit!" Celia scolded her, as if she were a small child. "And look at it. It's ruined!"

"I was going to wash it," Bex told her, climbing out of bed and grabbing it from her mom.

"You're supposed to pretreat the stains right away," Celia said impatiently. "Now they're set in."

"I said I'll take care of it," Bex griped. She went to the bathroom and sprayed some stain remover on the outfit, then ran cold water over it, trying to get out as much of the makeup as she could. The stains only seemed to get worse. She wrung it out and brought it back into the room.

"It's not coming out," she told her mother. "But it's just lipstick. I think it's fine. It's not the end of the world."

"No," said Celia sarcastically. "It's just the end of Andi's clothes." She held up another make-up stained garment as proof.

"She can still wear them," Bex said. "She won't care." Andi was an infant. She only cared about playing with her toes and pooping her diaper.

"Live like a farm animal if you want," Celia said, as she folded Andi's clean laundry. "I won't let you raise Andi that way."

"Um, she's my daughter," Bex reminded her. She'd raise Andi however she wanted.

Celia's lips drew in a tight, tense line. "You can't take care of her. You don't know how!" she snapped.

"Yes, I do!" Bex cried, annoyed.

Her mother gave her a defeated look. "It's not just changing her diaper, Rebecca." She shook her head. "What if she gets strep throat? An ear infection? What if she puts something in her mouth and starts choking?"

Bex gaped at her mother. Here it came.

"Do you know what to do?" Celia asked her.

Bex shook her head, at a loss for words. There was nothing she could say that her mother wouldn't have an argument for. It was true. She wouldn't know what to do. And that was what hurt most, admitting it to herself.

"How can I trust you with her?" Celia said, picking up the basket of clothes. "You can't even do her laundry." She turned a walked out of the room.

Bex closed her eyes, and collapsed on her bed. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She thought her love for Andi could be enough. But maybe it wasn't?