I reluctantly follow him out to his car, it's flashier than Nick's car, but not as flashy as the one he drove when we were living together.  The Weeknd plays in the car when he turns it on, immediately he turns up the air.  I have to bite my tongue to not complain about it, it's only in the low 60s outside.  I watch him from the corner of my eye, he's wearing a sweatshirt and sunglasses, his hair hangs over his eyes like a curtain.  I guess old habits die hard because he runs his hands through it constantly.  

My phone buzzes in my lap and I pick it up.  It's a text from Nick and I can't fight the grin that forms when I read it.  I glance at the road again and I see the whites of Noah's knuckles, I turn to look at him and he's grinding his jaw again.

"Your teeth are going to fall out if you don't stop grinding them," I comment, turning away from him.

Noah doesn't reply, but instead turns up the radio so that neither of us can speak to the other.  And that's just as well because Nick is texting me.  I look up from my phone when we finally park and Noah turns off the car.  We've been in the car over half an hour, and we're parked in front of a ship that looks like the Titanic.

"What is this?" I ask, getting out of his car.

"Only one of the most haunted places in California," he rolls his eyes at me and it feels so familiar that I don't try to fight the grin that's creeping up on my face.

"I'm glad to know you've gained some culture," I reply sarcastically, because I can't help it and he grins at me.  That grin that crinkles the skin around his eyes, it's a grin that takes me back five years when I didn't get enough time with him.

"You can pretend like you don't like my adventures, but I know you," he whispers in my ear and a shiver snakes down my back.  It's a shiver that has nothing to do with the cool air or the impending ghost tour.  It's a reaction that is dangerous.  He has a girlfriend, and I am just starting something with one of his friends.

I take a step away from him and he nods, like he just remembered that he shouldn't have done that, and leads us onto the ship.  We make our way to a enclosed balcony where there's a sign for us to wait for our tour.  

The tour itself is about an hour long, and after we can go explore the ship on our own.  I look around, expecting other people to join us, but Noah and I are the only two here when it's time for the tour to start.

"Did you buy out the whole tour so it would just be the two of us?" I tug on his arm to pull him to me, the accusation heavy in my tone.

"Must be a weird coincidence," Noah shrugs and pulls free of my grasp.

We follow our guide through the ship, he talks about the most active ghosts and their stories.  He explains what happened to them, and why they are still here.  And I'm not sure if it's for the theatrics or if there are really ghosts here, but we hear several things that I can't immediately explain.

We pass by a port hole that has a Ouija board, Noah nudges my arm and points to it, but I vehemently shake my head.  Absolutely not.  When the tour is over Noah and I walk around, going back to some of the more haunted spots.

"I know it's not abandoned, but how did you like it?" Noah asks, seemingly nervous of if I had a good time or not.

"I really enjoyed this," I say grinning at him, "but please don't ever bring me anywhere that is haunted.  I'm going to be so mad if I bring one home with me."

Noah chuckles in earnest as we walk out to his car.  The sun has almost set behind the ocean, and the breeze is perfect.  I don't want to get back in his car, I don't want him to take me back to my hotel.  I want to live in a delusion where he doesn't have a girlfriend and we are on a date.

But I do get in his car, because I can't pretend he doesn't have a girlfriend.  

I glance over at him while he drives, even under his hoodie I can tell he has filled out since the last time I saw him.  His once long, beautiful hair was now above his ears, but it still hung around his face like a shield.  His face is clear of the stubble that sometimes shadowed his face in inconsistent patches. He looks more mature, despite the fact that his face has not really changed that much.

"Are you staring at me?" Noah grins without looking at me.

"No," I huff and turn my attention back to the windshield.  

Noah gets off the highway, but I don't think were even close to my hotel.  I don't say anything as he finally parks in front of a waterfront seafood place with the same tacky decor as my dinner last night.

"What is this?" I ask, because we didn't discuss another stop.

"You gotta eat right?"

"Noah," I warn, but follow him inside.

We get a table overlooking the water, and I watch as the waves crash against the shore mesmerized.  I turn back to Noah to catch him watching me, and I blush despite myself.  Noah looks down at his phone, frowns, then tells me he will be back in a minute.

I wonder if the phone call he just got is his girlfriend.

A waiter comes by and I order a beer.  I shouldn't be mad that he took the call, but I was mad.  Rage filled, key his car, mad.  I order another beer when I finish my first and Noah still hasn't come back.  I wonder idly if I should go check on him.  Maybe someone murdered him and that's why he hasn't come back. 

He finally sits back down when I'm on my third beer.  I have to grind my teeth together to not ask who was on the call and what it was about.  It's not any of my business and I don't want to know.  I'm just glad he didn't take the call here and I didn't have to hear him tell her he loves her.  

Noah looks different than when he left, so it must have not been a good phone call.  Noah orders a beer vacantly.  The conversation is surface level and it's like he's not even here anymore.

"Tell me something, Laney," he finally says, his eyes meeting mine for the first time since he came back.

"What do you want to know?"

"Tell me something you wanted to call and tell me about, but didn't," he says and there's a sadness in his eyes.

"Finn and I hiked the Fiery Gizzard, camped out and everything.  I didn't even complain about sleeping on the ground," I say.

"Finn already told me about that, but you know that's not what I meant," he replies, his eyes almost black.

"Why don't you tell me about your girlfriend?"  It's a low blow, but he shouldn't be asking what he's asking.

"Touché," he huffs, "I can't believe you are here."

"Well, it's not because of you, so get that out of your head," I grin a half grin.

"I don't get a little credit?"

"Okay, fine, you get a little credit," I uncross my legs and my foot grazes his calf.  I feel his hand on my knee, he doesn't move it for a beat, but when he does he moves up to my bare thigh.  His fingers draw lazy circles there.  I jerk my leg away from his touch before I can get drunk on it and harden a glare at him.

"I know the girlfriend concept is foreign to you, but you still have one and this is inappropriate."

Noah huffs and rubs his hands over his face and pulls at his roots, "I know, Delaney, but seeing you has brought back a lot of old feelings."

"I told you this was a bad idea, nothing has changed, Noah. I thought we could talk about your success and I would have dinner with your friends and we could all move on. But you've been pissing me off all day, and making me remember that I miss you. You are still there and I'm still here. The timing is never going to be right."

Noah hangs his head, nodding, " I know, Laney, I know. I couldn't not see you, I tried, but I couldn't stay away."

I don't know what to do here, do I keep sitting here with a boy that I definitely used to love and keep reminding him of the elephant in the room? Can I pretend I don't care for him? 

"Say something," he begs.

"I don't know what to say, Noah."

Our food is sat in front of us, I don't even remember Noah ordering. For the second time today I don't have an appetite.

"Did you," I clear my throat, I'm uncomfortable and I want him to be too, "are any of your songs about me?"

Noah was taking a drink when I asked, and it sent him into a coughing fit. "No."

I laugh, a genuine laugh, for the first time in a long time. "Convincing."

"I better get you back," he says, and pays for our meal.

Noah doesn't say anything the rest of the ride home, and he barely says goodbye when I get out of his car.  I don't know what caused the shift in his attitude, but it makes it easy to get out of the car.  It makes it easy to not beg him to leave Camille, to remember what we had.

I drag myself down the hall and into my room.  I change into my pajamas and get into bed, I turn on an old romcom.  I fall asleep halfway through the movie, Noah heavily on my mind.

When I sleep, I dream of Noah.  I dream of a world where he didn't get signed, and we were happy together for a long time.  And then I dream of Noah getting signed, and following him to LA only for him to forget about me.

I dream of a thousand scenarios, one of which we are married by now with children, but miserable in our life together.

I jolt awake.  God, I had misses him so much.  Seeing him again was breaking my heart and crushing all of the progress I had made.  I didn't want to spend Christmas with him, but I didn't think Sage would let me off the hook.  I threw a change of clothes and a toothbrush in my purse just in case I ended up there all night.

Sage is waiting for me in the lobby when I come out to meet her, "thanks for picking me up, I should have rented a car."

"No problem, what have you done this week?"

"I went on a hike with Nick," I say, grinning at the night we shared together, "and went to The Queen Mary with Noah."

"Speaking of Noah, he got on a plane this morning.  I think he's going to spend the holiday with Camille."

My stomach drops, "Good, he should."

"You should work on that, it wasn't convincing at all," she laughs and I join her.

When we arrive at the house it's loud.  There isn't another way to describe it.  I didn't know anyone here well enough to get them gifts, but I did bring a bottle of wine to give to Sage.  Jesse is playing guitar while a couple of guys I don't know sit with Jolly at the table.  I don't see Nick around, yet, but he told me he would be here.

I drop my bag and give the wine to Sage and she opens it immediately and pours us each a glass.  Sage points out the guys at the table as Davis and Michael and I wave awkwardly at them.  I was only a little sad I wasn't with my own family, with Finn.  Hopefully, the connections I make here can be long term, for if or when I move here.

Nick and another guy come in on my second glass of wine, holding several bags of food.  Sage helps the other guy unload the bag while Nick kisses me.  The affectionate display only makes me a little uncomfortable as I kiss him back.  We gather around the table and everyone fills up their plates family style.  The conversation is loud with alcohol and familiarity, were all having a good time.  Once the food is gone and put away, Sage grabs a card game.  We drink while we play, and Nick's hand rests on my thigh.  

I'm drunk by the time the door opens again, everyone shouts Noah's name, and I don't want to turn and look at him.  But I do, my eyes find his and he looks so sad as he glances at Nick's hand on my leg.  A second later the look is gone and he greets everyone.  

He makes his way to me last, and I wrap my arms around his torso, he's so much taller than me it's uncomfortable to go around his shoulders. Noah's arms envelope me and I don't let go until it has become uncomfortable for the rest of the room.

"Can we talk?" He asks. I nod and follow him outside, because I can tell something is wrong.  I glance back at Nick and his expression is unreadable.

Noah and I sit side by side on the patio.  I look up at the sky looking for the stars, like we did on our first date, but there's too much light pollution here.

"Camille and I broke up," he says finally.

"Tell me you didn't fly to her home to break up with her," I ask him, appalled.

"No, she broke up with me while we were out to dinner last night," he scoffs, "I flew to her today to talk her out of it, but she wasn't having it."

"I'm so sorry, Noah," and I was, even if he wasn't with me.  I just wanted happiness for him.

"She said she couldn't compete with my feelings for you," he chuckles humorlessly.

"Oh, Noah," I say gently, but I don't know what to say to that.

"You don't have to pretend like you care," he says harshly, and my gut wrenches.

"Oh, so you brought me out here to tell me your girlfriend broke up with you and tell me what I'm pretending to feel?" I scoff, "You are such an asshole."

"I have to go," Noah mutters.

"No!" I screech, "you came out her to yell at me because you lost your girlfriend and now you just want to leave?! You don't get to be a total dick and then walk away."

"Shouldn't you be with your own family?" My heart squeezes so hard I'm sure it's stopped working. Tears spring to my eyes as I back away from him. My reaction is overkill, I know this, but I'm drunk. "Delaney, I'm sorry - I didn't mean that."

"Then you shouldn't have said it," I whisper and start running into the night. It's dark and cold and I can hear Noah chasing after me.

"Delaney! Laney, wait!" I keep going, his stride is longer than mine and I know he will catch up to me but I want him to work for it.

"Delaney."

I stop in my tracks and whirl around to face him, "I hate when you do that!"

"I knew that would work," he smirks at me.

He pulls me into his chest without asking, his heart is thumping loudly in my ear and he's so warm. "I didn't mean anything I said, Laney," he pauses and I feel him exhale, "I- I fucking love you!" That was the most aggressive feeling exclamation that I've ever had.

"What?" I say, still listening to his heart thump-thump-thump.

Noah pushes me to arms length so he can look me in the eyes.

"I love you, Delaney."

Fresh tears spring to my eyes, because what do I say to that.  He had a girlfriend yesterday.  A girlfriend he didn't intend to break up with.  He's only saying this now because it didn't work out with her.