"I will put sinews on you, make flesh grow back on you, cover you with skin and I will put breath in you so that you may come alive, and you will know tht I am the Lord." Ezekiel 37.6

••

She called me to sit with her on the bench. She looks troubled. I'm not used to having her not look at me. 

I can't even speak.

'There will be a time where I won't be able to protect you, Wezanokuhle,' she says, head still bowed. 'Go back. Your family still needs you...'

I watch her turn and walk away, fading into the white light that had engulfed us both...

My body feels like I have been trampled over by adult elephants that chose not to have mercy on me.

The tingle in my fingers allows me to try and open my eyes. It's so bright in here, and even with all the noise that filled my ears, the light seemed to affect me the most. I'm in a cool room. It doesn't look or smell like home here, and that alone made me wonder where I was.

I could finally glance over to my side and see the person holding onto my hand for dear life. That alone triggered my eyes to water.

I think I even remember what happened.

"B...Bangi," my voice came out as a whisper, but it was enough to have this man shoot right up to action. He looks terrible. Eyes puffy and red. If I could, I would even say he looked like he aged a hundred years to the man I knew.

My heart pangs in sadness at the thoughts of what could be going on in his head. I just wanted to hold him and tell him that everything was going to be fine, but I'd be lying to him. I'd be lying to myself.

I'd be lying to us.

He's up without me saying more, letting my hand go with hesitation. The lines on his clothes telling of how long he's been on this seat.

"Doctor, my wife's awake," he says to whoever is behind the wall, the excitement and relief in his voice fighting for their shine. Not long after that announcement, he looks and rushes back to me.

"I... I thought I lost you sthandwa sam." He brushes my forehead before planting a kiss on it. I can't hold back the tear that frees itself from my eye.

The doctor joins us, a sad smile on his face. He's tall and light, dressed in dark green scrubs. This is not our usual doctor but I'm alive, and that should say that I am in good hands.

"My Queen, we are thankful you are awake. My name is Doctor Aaron, and I've been taking care of you for the past two days. "

"Two days?" My eyes go wide in shock. It's crazy how those two days just passed like nothing. It's even crazier thinking of the fact that people were just continuing as normal out there.

"Yes. You're very lucky to be alive, Mrs Shazi." He says. I looked to Bangi, and I could just see he was holding back tears. "How are you feeling?"

"My body...hurts. My lower back feels... raw. "

He notes it down.

"I'll get a nurse to up your painkiller dosage. I know it might be too soon, but do you remember what happened?"
"I just remember the car losing control, and it rolled and rolled, and then it's just blank." I swallow the lump in my throat.

"That's okay. You don't have to go into detail for now." He says, and it just keeps replaying in my head over and over again. I find myself reaching for the rails of my bed, holding on for my life.

I didn't want to fall out, even though the seatbelt was painfully digging into my torso and abdomen.

The crunch...

That loud Crunch...

"Sthandwa sam," Bangi takes my hands and brings me out of my thoughts, but I shake my head. Not to shut him up but to stop him because... haybo!

"Doctor, I can't feel my legs." The words are hard for me to even register as I say them. "I can't move them, I can't feel them. I can't feel my legs, doctor!"

They look at each other as if sharing telepathic information between themselves that only they would know.

"This is normal, right? They're just numb? Right? Please say something!"

I remove my hand from Bangi's, causing him to look back at me.

"I can't feel my legs, Bangizwe. What is going on? Are you going to tell me what is going on?" I try sitting up but the pain... oh, the pain brought me back down to submission.

"Please, my Queen, you shouldn't be moving around this much. I need you to calm down before I can explain," the doctor says.

Oh, so now he wants to talk.

"Aaron, I'm listening," I say taking in a deep breath.

He heaves out a sigh before clearing his throat. "You were involved in a really bad accident. An oncoming car hit one of the cars in the motorcade, and it collided with the one that you were in. The driver was highly intoxicated. He died on the scene."

I take in a deep breath, my body shivering at the news. I'm ashamed that it's only then that I think of my people who were with me. Did they make it through?

Are they injured just as much?

Please tell me that no one else died that day apart from that reckless idiot.

"The impact that your car faced was severe. You were unconscious and crushed in when the ambulance got to the scene and suffered great injury to your lower back. We had to perform an emergency surgery to try and save you life and legs, but due to that accident, your lumbar vertebrae resulted in paralysis in your lower half."

At that moment, I just felt the wind leave my body. I couldn't breathe.

The doctor is there, placing an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth.

"Steady... deep breaths, Mrs Shazi... that's it... you're fine, just breathe. "

That right there just pisses me off. I hit his hand away from me.

"Fine? Do I look fine to you, Doctor Aaron? Nothing is fine. Nothing is ever going to be fine!" I state bitterly. "Will I ever even be able to walk again?"

I sniff.

That's how quiet this room is.

That's my answer.

I shift my head in shame, avoiding both their looks. That's it. I'm done for. I just can't picture a life where I can't walk myself to the bathroom. I can't see myself being a great mother to my babies when I can't even get up to make them breakfast.

Babies?

Will I even be able to carry another child when my body is this injured?

How will I even cope with this when I could've possibly prevented it by staying at home?

Someone died because I had to go to a spa day. Do you even hear how shallow that sounds.

Where does one even start?

"I'll give you two some space," Aaron says before I hear him scatter out of the room.

I wish Bangi could leave me alone in here, too, because I wanted to just drown in my tears. That's all I could do. Cry and hope that the feeling in my legs would miraculously return, but once more, I knew that was just my wishful thinking.

"Sthandwa sam,"
"Bangi, stop."
"Don't do that, Sthandwa sam. Don't shut me out."

I shut my eyes. Maybe this is all a bad dream. Maybe I fell asleep after he called me, and this is just that nightmare all over again.

"I lost my mind when they told me about the accident. I thought I had lost you."

"You did lose me, Bangi. I might as well have lost my life. What good am I to Nzwano, Busa and you when I... They should've let me go. "

"You don't mean that."

"I do." I say. "The life that I know is over. This is not for me."

"The doctor said there's a chance."

"A chance? Like what? 3% chance? Bangi, be serious for once."
"I am being serious. Baby, we can even get a second opinion."
"There's no need..."
"Why are you giving up like this? We haven't even gone through every route possible. The woman I know would fight this."
"The woman you knew could walk."

"Zanokuhle, will you stop!"

I huff.

"Look at me." He says.

I try fighting myself but eventually turn to look at him.

"I love you. I will always love you. I will always be by your side. This may change a lot, but it changes nothing at the same time sthandwa sam. We will fight this. Let us fail knowing we've tried. Please promise me we will try everything out there before we... give... up."

I can't promise him anything. Not when I'm not even sure I still want to be here anymore. Here I was thinking I was making progress with my mental health only for this to happen. How much more do I need to endure that isn't peace? All I wanted was peace...

•••

The hours have pushed on slowly and well, I was still in pain and still very much paralyzed.

But, I had hope. The same optimistic hope that my husband has about this entire situation. The doctors all came by to do their tests on me; their test dummy. I was going to get that second opinion as soon as I got discharged from here and then start tackling some physio. Again, that's if I ever regain feeling in my legs.

"Zano... you still haven't touched your food." Bangi says, coming back from the bathroom. He has been in there for 3 minutes.

Yes, I was counting.

"You have to eat sthandwa sam."
"I will."
"Or do you want me to feed you?"
"I will eat Bangi."

"Okay... I'm sorry." He sits down on the space in my bed next to me.

I eye the hand on my lap. It is so weird that I can feel my thigh, but my thigh can't feel my hand.

"I'm sorry. I'm not fighting with you," I say.
"I know... also..." he reaches into his pocket and takes out my ring and beads, and slides them onto my hand. "...back where they belong."
An involuntary smile invades my lips.

"I love you too, Malinga wam." Our eyes meet. "Thank you for making me feel like there's hope. Thank you for not leaving me."
"Leaving you was never an option." He kisses the back of my hand.

God.

You see this man that you have given me on a silver platter. It's a shame that I even thought the way I thought earlier. Am I that hard-headed?

We spend even more time together, just speaking of nothing serious. Nothing that will make me use much of my brain as I tried eating this hospital food. It's not that bad, actually.

"Did anyone else... die?" I ask.

Random, but it was burning me.

"The two men that were in the lead... they didn't make it. Deliverance is at home healing. The other two gentlemen that were tailing behind you didn't get affected. I believe they were able to see the accident and avoided it."

"Jesus. We have to do something for their families." I mention.
"We will. I'll make sure this is all taken care of so that you can focus on you and your healing."
"Bangi... I'm sure this is all over the news."

Knowing the tabloids, we were probably on the cover of each of their latest newspapers. How much did they know about this?

"It is, but they won't get to you. I've made sure of it."

"And my siblings?"
"They know that you're okay." He says. "I just didn't tell them about your spinal injury. I wanted to give you the option to do it yourself."
"So you're the only who knows?"
"Me and your doctors."
"Okay... okay." Me.

I nodded, finishing the last bit of food before handing the empty plate to my man, who puts it on the tray it came with.

"You should go," I say.
"I don't want to leave you."
"You have to. You've been here for two days straight, sleeping uncomfortably, showering for 2 minutes, drinking coffees but telling me to get a meal in. Our babies are probably confused as to why they aren't seeing you or me around that big house. Please go... for their sake. Go rest, go eat. Go comb your hair and trim your hair and beard, and I promise you you'll find me right here tomorrow when you come to see me. Besides,  there's nowhere I can run to for real now," I chuckle at that last bit.

If you don't laugh, you'll cry, right?

"You and doctor Aaron don't want to see me happy, neh?" He chuckles too while shaking his head.

"Malinga, please."
"Okay. Fine. I'll go," he gets up and reaches into his pocket, retrieving his phone. "You'll call me with my phone if you need anything. I'll activate my old number while I wait for your new phone to come tomorrow, hopefully."

I didn't even think of that.

"Thank you." Me.

It takes him minutes to finally step out of that door, and when he does, that's when I'm left alone with my thoughts.

I'm left alone to analyze the scars on my arms and face. This really happened. I really almost died and left everything and everyone behind. If it weren't for God, I'd be with him now, while my husband planned my funeral.

I could feel the tears coming... but the strength to stop them went the moment this room was left with me.