I have dealt with a lot in the past few months. I have had many family members die with their deaths each about three days or a week apart. You must be saying oh well my family have died or I'm so sorry for your losses. I don't want a pity party or to fight with someone who had of worse. I just came to write out what I'm feeling. So about the deaths, I didn't shed a tear, I didn't feel anything. I was numb and I have been numb for a while. I'm young but I have been hurt so much, my heart doesn't know if the next person will hurt me or heal me, so it just numbs. The last time that I wasn't numb was when I like this guy called J . I gave J so many hints that I liked him hut he didn't get so I asked if he went to the basketball games , he said yes, I asked him he was going to the game tomorrow , he said he was and said I could go with him and his friend to it. I went to the game and I waited and waited til the last quarter. I finally realized I got stood up after that I said f$ck it . I let guys use my body, I know they didn't care about me and I didn't care about them. My best friend(I'll call her Emily) Emily told me this wasn't good for me. I was stubborn, so I didn't listen. It wasn't til a guy almost took my virtue that I know I needed to stop. I got my grades up, I started caring about myself, I stopped worrying about boys. I still feel numb but I'm getting there. Sometimes I just need a f$ck it day and just worry about myself that day and nobody else. My family is divided right now and has been for a while. Its hard trying to talk to your aunt and your mom thinking your planing something against her. It wasn't til I joined marching band that my life got on the right track. I have fought a family who loves me but pushes me to be the best color guard member I can be. I was in archery for a few years and the team I was on was never close as my colour guard family. My mother has found amazing friends who relates with her struggles and my sister has found amazing friends. Love, kakacolorguard❤❤