There aren't many places where I feel I can be my true self. Where I don't feel like I need to think about my every action. Where I don't have to worry about every word that comes out of my mouth.

There aren't many people who I feel I can be my true self around. In fact, I feel uncomfortable in the presence of most people. I worry what they think of me. I'm afraid of judgement, especially from those I feel inferior to. I know I shouldn't care. I know that in the end, it doesn't really matter. Nothing really matters. I wish things were different.

I wish I were different.

But I don't feel that way when I'm sitting on the roof of my house, a variety of snacks scattered around me. Not when the sun has just set and the air is clean with a slight breeze, the neighborhood is peaceful, and the only sounds come from the rustling of the tall trees blowing in the wind.

"I wish I didn't have to go to the dumb dance," I mutter as I stuff a 'Little Bites' blueberry muffin into my mouth.

"You so wanna go," Brooke replies, shaking her head with a smile as she sits down beside me, leaning on both of her hands behind her. "Stel, this is what you've always wanted."

"You should get drunk and then go to the dance. Problem solved," Jackson says, looking up into the sky.

"You're so stupid." Brooke laughs as she shoves his head off of her lap.

He runs his fingers through his hair with a smirk on his face. He wraps his arms around Brooke and kisses her cheek, making her smile softly.

Jackson and Brooke have been dating for over two years now. He works for Northrop Grumman as an engineer, which takes up a lot of his time, but he comes around as much as he possibly can to see his girlfriend and hang out with the annoying teenager she's responsible for.

"I'm kidding. Obviously." He rolls his eyes playfully before whispering, "Unless you want to, Estella. Up to you."

I shake my head, smiling at Jackson's offer that he knows I would never take him up on. Brooke sighs, giving me sympathetic look.

"If you really don't want to go, just say you're sick or something," she suggests with a shrug. "I'll even call for you. I'll say your throat is sore and you can barely talk."

Sounds like a plan. Easy enough. I wouldn't have to talk, wouldn't have to think about it at all.

Wouldn't have to face your problems...

I shake my head. "No, I have to go. I committed to going, and— and you're right. This is what I wanted. Now I have to own up to my words."

"Good for you." Jackson smiles proudly as he lays his head back on Brooke's lap. "Tell me if I need to kick what's his name's ass though. I'll do it. No questions asked."

I furrow my eyebrows, twirling my hair in my ponytail nervously. "I shouldn't have said yes. What I was I thinking? Gosh, I-I shouldn't have."

I stuff another blueberry muffin in my mouth, chewing aggressively while shaking my head.

I cringe internally as I recall the awkward interaction that occurred just as Asher and I arrived at school on Monday morning, the day I went to Starbucks with him, Aaron, and Devin.

-

"I fucked up," Asher says as we entered the school building through the cafeteria. "I don't know what I should say. I don't know why I said all that shit to piss her off."

I frowned, biting the inside of my cheek. "Just say you're sorry. You didn't mean what you said and, and hopefully she'll understand, right?"

He nodded, turning his head to look at me. "Yeah, hope so."

I gave him a reassuring smile. He returned it only for a second before it left his face as his gaze moved from me to something behind me instead.

"What's up?" Asher asked as Aaron walked up to us and stood next to me.

He shrugged. "Nothing. Dev's with Josh."

Asher nodded. "Okay."

"Um, Estella?" A voice said from behind us.

I turned around, Aaron following suit as we stared at the boy in front of us.

"You need something?" Aaron asked with furrowed eyebrows.

The boy ignored Aaron's question, looking directly at me. "I'm Chris."

I stared at him, dumbfounded. I nodded slowly, confused on where this conversation was headed.

"Okay," I replied awkwardly, completely caught off-guard by Chris' introduction.

He looked to Aaron, silently pleading for him to leave. When he didn't move, he sighed in defeat and continued speaking with me.

"I'm just gonna be straightforward here," he said. "You're really pretty. And I was hoping that I would be able to— to get to know you better."

Aaron's blue eyes glanced between me and Chris with anticipation. His blue eyes burned into the side of my head as I fiddled with my hands, my mind racing to come up with a response.

I stared at Chris blankly before finally opening my mouth to respond. "I— okay. I don't really know what to say."

I truly meant that I had no idea what to say to this boy. I wasn't familiar with these types of scenarios whatsoever. What the heck do you say to that?

Thanks?

"Will you go to Homecoming with me?"

My eyes widened at his question. My first instinct was to run. But I was frozen in place. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and the only thing I could do was look to Aaron, who wore the same face of shock as I did.

"She'd love to." Asher came up to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, giving Chris a winning smile.

"Ash—"

Asher held a hand up to silence Aaron from speaking further. I still felt frozen in my tracks as Chris looked to me for verification.

I remembered right then and there that this is the year I had asked — begged — for. I wanted at least a year of normal high school experience and my wish was granted.

This was nowhere near my comfort zone. But this is what I wanted. I had to try, even if it took all of me, to put myself out there. To stop hiding behind the tall, brick wall I had surrounded myself with for years. This was my chance to prove to myself that I'm capable of doing it.

"Yeah," I finally responded. "I'll go with you."

-

"Brooke, do I have to spend time with him?" I ask seriously. "Like, I know I'm going with him. But do I really have to be there with him.. or can I just say 'hey' to him and call it a day?"

Brooke's laughter booms throughout the large house. Jackson smiles lovingly from the stool he's sitting on in the kitchen.

"You have to at least dance with him once," Brooke says as she finishes wiping the marble counters. "He probably expects that. Or he wouldn't have asked you."

I sigh, hoping Brooke's advice is inaccurate and that Chris doesn't care much about whether I actually spend my time at the dance with him or not.

"Jackson? Please tell me she's wrong and that I don't have to dance with him or talk to him or eat with him or—"

"I hate to say it. I really do — but Brooke is right." He shrugs. "He said he wanted to get to know you. That's why he asked."

My lip curls in disgust at his betraying response. I groan, gently whacking my forehead on the counter for dramatic effect.

"I'm going to sleep." I stand up from my stool and make my way up the staircase. "Don't wake me up tomorrow, Brooke. Don't wake me up because then I'll have the perfect excuse to not go to the dance."

Brooke crosses her arms. "And what excuse is that?"

"That I overslept, I woke up at 5:00 pm and didn't have enough time to get ready for the dance."

She and Jackson laugh at my excuse. I frown as I walk up the stairs, slumping my shoulders in defeat.

Once I'm in my room, I fall onto my bed with grace. I look up to the ceiling, thinking up possible scenarios that could occur tomorrow at the dance.

What if he tries to kiss you or something?

Oh gosh, what if he wants to take a bunch of pictures? Like those romantic ones where one person wraps their arms around the others' waist!

No! Even worse, what if he wants to slow dance?

And then he looks into your eyes and says something like—

My phone ringing brings me out of my own head. My heart races as I read the name displayed on the screen.

Asher.

I look at the time. 8:13 PM. Yeah, I could definitely tell him I was sleeping and that's why I didn't answer his call.

At least find out what he wants, Estella. Sheesh.

I groan, picking it up and answering his phone call with a swipe across the screen.

"Hey, Asher," I say as I bring my phone up to my ear.

"Took you long enough," he replies. "I was starting to think you were already asleep or something. You seem like the type to be asleep before nine. No offense or anything."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Okay. None taken."

Is that offensive?

"Anyways, I was calling to give you some tips for your date tomorrow," he says. I can practically hear the amused grin on his face. "Fuck, I'm such a good wing man."

I roll my eyes, shaking my head. "Slow down, Asher. This is not a date. And you aren't my wingman."

Going to a school dance with someone doesn't count as a date. Right? I scold myself, realizing I should have asked Brooke and Jackson when we were sitting on the roof.

"Ouch," he says. "That hurt my feelings a little, Estella, but it's okay. I'm gonna let it go."

Before I can respond, he continues talking. "So I just want to tell you to be safe, alright? Make sure he wraps it before he taps it, mkay? No mini Estellas or Chrises running around."

My eyes widen and my jaw falls open in shock at his vulgarity. "Asher! What— what the hell? Is that really what you think is happening tomorrow?" I ask him, my face heating up with anger, or embarrassment. Maybe both. "Wait— is that what he thinks is happening tomorrow because—"

The phone call cuts off. I stare at my blank screen, annoyed with Asher and his inappropriate advice.

Before I can unlock my phone to call him, his names reappears on my screen and I quickly slide my thumb over to pick up his call without realizing he's now facetiming me.

"What the—"

I huff in annoyance once I see not one, but two squares on my screen. One displays Asher driving, one arm gripping the steering wheel and his other holding his phone up. The other square shows Aaron with headphones on, staring at something with a focused look and holding a controller in his hands. He's playing video games.

"Asher, are you serious?" I ask. "You're driving."

"Sure am. Nice observation."

"Hey Estella," Aaron mumbles, quickly glancing at his phone screen before turning his attention back to whatever monitor is in front of him.

"Hi," I reply.

"So let me fill you in on what's going on, Aaron," Asher says, still staring out at the road. "You know how she has her first date tomorrow? Well I'm trying to teach her the concept of using protection before anything, you know, happens."

"Nothing is happening!" I whisper-yell, fed up with Asher's jokes. "Wait, how'd you know this is my first date?" I ask, quietly adding, "Not that it's a date."

He laughs, shaking his head with a small shrug. "The way you froze when he asked you told me everything I needed to know."

"They're not gonna have sex, dumbass."
Aaron mutters, still paying little attention to the nonsense coming from Asher's mouth.

"Hold on one sex," Asher said. "One sec. Shit."

Another box appears on my screen, revealing Devin lying down, her long hair tied up into a bun on top of her head.

"Oh, hey Dev," Aaron says.

"Hey," she replies. "Why'd you call me, Asher?"

I'm so close to pressing the red button that can so easily get me out of this conversation. But there's a part of me that wants to stay on FaceTime with the three of them.

"Fuck!" Aaron shouts. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Devin furrows her eyebrows, presumably looking at Aaron's square on her screen.

"Okay, now that I have all of your guys' attention," Asher begins. "I wanted to ask where we'll be meeting up tomorrow. At the dance."

My body slumps in relief once I realize that the topic of me going on my 'first date' has left his mind. I stay silent, not knowing where to suggest we meet up. I haven't even explored half of the school yet.

"Uh, I don't know," Devin replies. "The front of the school? You know, where everyone meets up?"

Asher rolls his eyes, looking to his screen as his car comes to a stop. "Any answers from people who don't feel the need to be a smartass 24/7?"

Aaron shrugs. "Devin's right. Let's just meet up in front."

"Estella?"

"Yeah," I reply. "Oh, um— I don't know."

I tug on the lint of my fluffy blanket, occupying myself.

"K, front it is." Asher shrugs. "See you tomorrow, assholes and Estella."

With that, he leaves the FaceTime call, leaving me with Aaron and Devin.

"See ya tomorrow," Devin says leaving the call as well.

Aaron smiles. "Good night, Estella."

"Good night."

"See you tomorrow."

I nod. "Yeah... okay. Bye."

Ending the call, I toss my phone across my bed to get it as far away from me as possible. I couldn't have possibly ended that FaceTime with him in a more awkward manner.

Nice going, Estella. Again.

I stand up, walking over to the light switch, flicking the lights off in my room. I lie back down, not wanting to think about anything anymore. Pulling my covers up, I settle into my bed and fall into a deep slumber for the night.

-

author's note:

yayy chapter six! so excited for you guys to keep reading :))

happy easter if you celebrate! i'm on spring break now and i'm so happy YAY

- blizfvl