10.16.2021 | 4 pm | 17 years old

dear diary,

johnny found out that i had been seeing nadia during the holidays. and boy, he was so mad at me when we were heading to school. he told me that he didn't want me to become like nadia. he told me that seeing me in dresses like her was unusual, and that i should remain as myself.

it hurts. i knew why johnny said that. he just wanted me to stay as his best friend forever. just as his best friend. i knew that he would never see me as more than a friend if i continued to stay this way. he just wasn't able to picture me as a potential girlfriend. i wanted to scream at him, shake him, do anything to make him realise that as much as i may act like one of his buddies, i was still a girl.  but i couldn't do that. i could never, ever tell him how i had felt for the past few years.

i'm really pathetic, you know? johnny always liked to tell me that i reminded him so much of a tomboy - i didn't have good fashion sense, my hair was so chopped up, my clothes look like i fought for them at a charity sale. he liked to tell me that i was so different from other girls. i hated it when he said that. he didn't ever know that he was drawing a line between us. he was telling me indirectly that i didn't stand a chance.

every time he said this, i felt cheap and unwanted. i knew better than anyone else that johnny had high standards when it comes to girls, and i? i couldn't even reach his lowest standard.

that's why i found nadia. nadia is the queen bee. everyone knows that she is the best at dressing up. remember how i used to fantasize about being the queen bee's best friend one day? now i'm turning it real. i know. i know that i can never look at elegant, as gorgeous, or as beautiful as her, but i'm trying.

nadia was really cool, but she was nothing compared to johnny. i missed him today, but i knew that clinging onto him would only make it worse. when i was talking to nadia at the lockers, i couldn't help but peek at him. guess what i saw? he was standing a few meters away, talking to a girl. i wanted to slam her against the locker and tell her that johnny was mine. mine and mine only. but i could only watch on as nadia told me how stupid i was for liking him.

i guess everyone gets stupid when they find someone they like, don't they? i'm extra stupid, though, for sticking by johnny for such a long time.

i'm trying to be like his type of girls. i wish he would see me now. i'm stuck in nadia's room writing away as she tried to teach me how to apply make up properly.

only when i rise up, will he finally be able to see me as a girl truly.

mackenzie

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