I was tapping my fingers on my table when Keia suddenly came. She looks exhausted maybe from running and I look constipated now. I sighed deeply. Inaalala ko kasi si Kino na nasa labas ng school. Nangako ako na hanggang five lang pero lumampas na sa itinakda nyang oras.

Tumingin sya sa orasang pambisig. "I'm sorry, I'm late. Our professor is overtime." hingi nya ng paumanhin. She's fifteen minutes late.

Maybe if Kino isn't waiting it was fine for me.
Hindi  ako nagpahalata na hindi ako okay, kinakabahan ako.

Walang text si Kino kahit isa simula ng mag alas singko.

"No, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry." I smile at her forcefully. It wasn't her fault that someone's waiting for me. She didn't know that. But a part of me is blaming her why she didn't come sooner.

Sana tumakas na lang sya sa prof.

"Sit first, you look exhausted." and I too, exhausted and problematic....

"Thank you." umupo sya kaharap ko. Ipinatong nya ang bag sa table bago kinuha ang books namin para sa reporting.

Deretso sa topics ang nangyari. Walang foreplay, chitchats... o kung ano pa man.. nagmamadali kasi ako.

I thought this is my chance to my first ever love story. Pero ako ang nagmamadaling umuwi. I thought if makita ko ulit si Keia magwawala muli ang puso ko. Iba pala ang magiging dahilan ng pagwawala nito.

Pinagusapan namin ang paghahati ng topics at pag gawa ng powerpoint. Pati na rin kung saang lugar namin gagawin 'yon. Kailangan rin kasi namin mag brainstorming para if ever na may questions about our topic madali namin masasagot.

While we're talking I really felt the uneasiness. I'm fidgeting on my seat. Palagi din akong tumitingin sa orasan na nasa wall ng library.

My feelings became heavier and heavier as the time passes by. Seems like there's something on my  chest that won't let me breathe. I felt suffocated.

"Next is what about our location?" she asked. I look at her. Para na akong mamatay sa kaba.

"So, saan nga tayo?" Balik kong tanong. I tried to sound okay. Pakiramdam ko namumutla na ako.

"Sa inyo na lang?" Definitely no. Hindi ko sya pwedeng ayain sa penthouse dahil hindi ko naman pag aari 'yon. Nakikitira lang ako.

"Ah hehe... Hindi ba pwedeng sa inyo na lang?"

"Sorry, Stefania. But my mother is very strict when it comes to visitors. Hindi basta basta nakakapasok." explain nya.

"You can say na classmate mo ako at gagawa lang tayo ng report for school purpose."

"Hindi talaga eh. Pwede sa inyo na lang?" mag suggest na lang kaya ako sa ibang lugar perhaps dito na lang ulit sa library. Open naman 'to every saturday.

"Kung... dito na kaya ulit tayo sa library?"

Why is this talking feels like forever? Gusto ko ng makalabas.

"No!" medyo tumaas ang boses nya. I was shocked by her sudden outburst, pati sya nagulat rin. Tumawa sya ng pilit. "Ahm no, I mean we're here na everyday. Mas okay naman di'ba if iba naman ang location. Para stress free tayo at maiba naman ang ambiance, right?" mahinahon nyang sambit. Tumango ako. She has a point. But I can't really let her go in Kino's penthouse.

"We can go to a cafe, if you like?"

"Masyadong maingay kung sa cafe. And hindi tayo makakapag focus." She reasoned. Paano na kaya ito? It wasn't noticeable but I am  pressured, nervous and palpitating. Naghalo halo na lahat.

I bit my lips. If kay Kino na penthouse before his approval I need to inform him. What if hindi sya pumayag? What will I do? I'm thinking hard right now. I need to decide whether I'll talk to Kino about this matter or not. I'm afraid to be rejected.

But if I don't talk to him at basta na lang ako magpapapunta ng classmate ko hindi ba maiinvade ang privacy nya? I won't let that happen. He will be angry for sure.

Umuwi na lang kaya muna ako, but I don't have a key!

Urgh, why is this life so complicated. Nagkagusto lang naman ako Lord, pero bakit pakiramdam ko ang hirap.

"Ganito na lang, tomorrow I'll talk to you if pwede sa amin. Kailangan ko pa kasing magpaalam. Okay lang ba?" My decision will be based on Kino. If he approves, then good. But if he doesn't, where to go?

"Yeah, yeah sure." She replied. Lumawak ang ngiti ko. Sa wakas, we're done!

Pumalakpak ako. I stand on my seat hastily, grabbing all my books and bag.

"Okay. Thank you. But I really need to go now. See you tomorrow." I said and run away.

My life is at stake here. I run as fast as I can. I promise him until five. He has meetings for goodness sake. My heart is clenching out of fear and guiltiness. It was overwhelming me.

I don't know why I felt it. Sya naman ang nagkusang sumundo sa akin. Sya naman ang nagkusa na maghintay. Sinabi ko naman na kaya kong mag commute. Hindi ko naman sya pinilit. Pero bakit ako nakakaramdam ng ganito?

Tears stung my eyes while running. Malapit ng kumagat ang dilim. Malayo pa ang tatakbuhin ko pero wala akong pakealam.. Hinihingal na ako pero hindi ko inalintana.... kailangan kong makarating sa kanya.

Hindi kalayuan sa school gate ay naaninag ko na sya. Unti unting bumagal ang aking takbo hanggang sa naging lakad na lamang.

He's leaning on his car. Nakasuot sya ng white button down long sleeve, it was folded until his arm. Maluwag ang tie na nakakabit at nakabukas ang unang butones.

Napatuwid sya ng tayo ng makita ako. His gaze is piercing me. I saw how his jaw clenched. I know he's angry, mad, furious, maybe all the adjectives that can describe the displeasure on his face.

Kasalanan ko. Ulit. Isang araw lang pero ang dami ko ng kasalanan. I'm so emotional right now. I can't help it.

Ang malamig na hangin ay tinatangay ang aking mahabang buhok. At ang mainit na tubig ay unti unting dumadaloy sa aking mukha. Humikbi ako.

Nakakahiyang umiyak pero hindi ko mapigilan. Tumigil ako sa paglakad. Hindi ko ata kayang lumapit kay Kino sa ganitong sitwasyon.

Fuck this tears. I didn't permit you to come out!

Bakit ayaw mong tumigil! Pinahid ko ang mukha gamit ang likod ng palad ng may magaspang na kamay na humawak sa akin. The hand is in between soft and callous. Napakalaki kumpara sa akin.

I look up. Kino is in front of me. Why is that whenever he's drawing near me I ain't able to feel him. Magugulat na lang ako nasa harap ko na pala sya.

Madilim ang tingin nya. He was scrutinizing me. Inspecting me closely and thoroughly. I look away swiftly.

His dark aura screams brutality. Yung tipong walang sasantuhin kahit sino. Humingi ka man ng tawad hindi ka pagbibigyan. He won't pity you. He won't show sympathy. It is what I see. Nahirapan akong lumunok.

I held tightly on my pants, readying myself for another nagging pero hindi iyon ang naging simula.

"Who makes you cry?" He asked worriedly opposite to what look he's giving. I am surprised. I thought he will shout at me. I sob.

"Stefania." may timpi sa boses nya.

I shook my head. "Wala."

"Don't lie to me." malamig nyang sambit.

"But I'm telling the truth." I sob again.

Hindi ako vulnerable na tao. Pero sa nangyari sa buong maghapon pakiramdam ko naubos ako.

Hinawakan nya ang magkabila kong pisngi. His thumb caressed my tears away. I close my eyes tightly. "Then why are you crying?" he said softly.

I wanted to punch him for not getting angry with me. I wanted to shout at him for waiting here even though he has some other important things to do. And I so wanted to say sorry to him for waiting me here for three hours. Because it wasn't a joke. I'm a bad person.

I try to suppress my tears. Pero sumasakit ang lalamunan ko sa tuwing magpipigil ako ng luha.

"Because I'm bad. I'm sorry." mahina kong wika.

"Why? Did you do something wrong?"

"Yes. To you and to my bestfriend." I said honestly. His forehead creased. Siguro iniisip kung anong naging kasalanan ko sa kanya.

"Anong kasalanan mo sa akin?" He said clueless. Inis ko syang hinampas sa dibdib. Shit ang tigas. He didn't flinch from what I did. Ako pa ata ang nasaktan.

"Dense ka ba? Hindi ba obvious na pinaghintay kita ng matagal."

He's staring at me. Isang klase ng titig na nakakapanglambot.  Umangat ang sulok ng labi nya. "And?" 

Inalis ko ang kamay nya sa mukha ko at masama syang tinignan. Even if my knees are trembling, I step back a little bit from him.

"You didn't even get angry. You should be mad at me not the other way around. You have meetings but then you're still here! You still waited for me. Bakit hindi ka pa umalis ng five? Alam mo naman wala pa ako. Nakakainis ka!" I shouted frustratedly.

Tumingala sya at pumikit ng mariin. Matapos ay bumaba muli ang tingin sa akin. Kinakagat ang mapulang labi para pigilan ang kumakawalang ngiti. Pero hindi nya napigilan.

Ang galit ay umusbong sa akin sa nakitang reaksyon nya. Humupa ang aking luha.

"Bakit ka ngumingiti dyan? Pinagtatawanan mo ako? Siraulo ka ba?"

"Damn it." damn you! Tinabig ko sya para lampasan. His reaction pisses me off. Hindi pa ako nakakalampas ay hinila nya muli ako pabalik sa harap nya.

"Not so fast, Stefania. Don't you want me to explain my side?" he said languidly. I didn't respond. I just stare at him, intently.

This man, I don't know what's with him. Why he's so good to me. I've solely known and been with him for a while but I don't know why he's like this to me.

He doesn't need to explain. It was unfair to him. It was I who did him wrong. I should be the one to explain. Hindi naman talaga ako nag aral sa library. Nagsinungaling ako sa kanya. He waited for too long because I waited for Keia. Doing something related to school was valid but still it won't justify the hours he waited.

"It is my will to wait for you. You don't have to be guilty about it. I want you safe and sound going home. Your father entrusted you to me. If anything bad happens to you, I'm afraid I'll lose my sanity. Just not on my watch, please." Tumigil sya saglit bago ako pinakatitigan. His stare is hypnotizing me. Nailang na ako kaya nag iwas ako ng tingin.

"It's you first before anything else. I will be never be angry with you. Kahit paghintayin mo pa ako dito ng napakatagal na oras, hindi ako magagalit. Basta makita lang kitang maayos. You're not a bad person either. Just stop blaming yourself. Wala kang kasalanan sa akin."

"Pero yung meetings mo." sabi ko habang paiyak ng muli.

"You're forgetting that I'm their boss. I already pull some strings, dont worry about that. Please, stop crying." I cried even more again. Para na akong batang inagawan ng candy sa klase ng pag iyak...

I was afraid of him earlier that he might blame me because he didn't make it to his meeting. It turns out that he has already made a way!

"Fuck... baby...please. I said it's alright. You should stop crying now. A lot of people are watching us." I stop crying when he said there's a lot of people watching.

Lumingon sya sa paligid. Kaya ganun din ang ginawa ko. May mangilan ngilan na nanonood sa amin. Namutla ako. I forgot we're in front of our school. Oh god. Why did I forgot.

I do not know what to do. Should I hide or what? Kino noticed that so he grabbed my hand before pulling me inside the car.

My heart melted the way his hand hold mine. He's holding me gently. My hand were cold while his was very warm. I stare at our hands. It fits perfectly. Sakop na sakop nya ang maliit kong kamay.

Sometimes I'm thinking if I deserve to be treated like this. I'm a hardheaded person. Hindi ako marunong makinig. Ginagawa ko kung ano lang ang gusto ko. I'm not kind. I'm impulsive. I made decisions without thinking if someone will get hurt.  I make mistakes. But... despite all of that he still treated me like this. He never get mad.

He seemed afraid of breaking me. He's afraid of making me mad. It's like I didn't do him any harm the way he treat me...

I know I don't deserve it but Kino makes me feel that even if I did something wrong I still deserve to be treated right.

But I know there's a limit. He has a limit. Eveyone has a limit. Even I. I just don't know when, how far but there's a limit...

Sa loob ng kotse kinuha nya ang mga gamit ko na nakalagay sa lap ko at inilagay nya sa backseat. Sinundan ko ng tingin ang ginawa nya. Matapos ay humarap muli sya sa akin.

"Hmm. Are you okay now?" mataman nyang tanong.

I nod my head. I don't know what to say. Ngayon lang nag sink in sa akin ang nangyari kanina sa labas. Ang pagtakbo, ang pag iyak, ang paghingi ng sorry. Shit.. tapos sa labas pa ng school nangyari lahat. What if someone recognize me there?!

Ang drama ko pa naman kanina! Tapos tingin ko ang arte ko pa. I'm getting goosebumps now. I am disgusted with myself.

Dumeretso ang tingin ko sa labas ng sasakyan. Nahihiya na ako kay Kino.

"Why don't you look at me. Are you embarrassed now?" He pointed then chuckled after. Uminit ang pisngi ko.

I didn't reply. Gusto ko na lang magpalamon sa lupa ngayon dahil sa hiyang nararamdaman.

"Stefania." tawag nya sa akin.

I turn to him. "What?" then I look away again. I bit my lower lip.

"You're grumpy now, huh?" I heard the click of the car's door. It was locked now. Pero di pa rin nya ini-start ang kotse.

"I'm not." I deny.

"Okay, if you say so. Hmm. I will make another rule for you." I immediately turned to him. The hell? My mood changes. From embarrassment to being grumpy. Kung kanina nag deny pa ako ngayon hindi na.

"Why do you have a lot of rules. I was okay with three then dadagdagan mo pa ulit." Masungit kong sambit.

"Don't left me on read. If I texted you, you should reply. If I ask you where you are, you should tell me. If you promise something, you should fulfill it. And stop making me worry, atleast. That's my fourth rule for you."

"Four? Marunong ka bang magbilang? Eh ang dami ng sinabi mo."

"That was an order. Follow or punishment? You choose." He smile. I roll my eyes at him pero may kaunting ngiting tumakas sa aking labi.