Tongyeong, February 5 Years Ago

The week following the death, Chaeyoung didn't go back to school. She in fact refused to get up from her bed or even move. Most of the time she slept but her dreams were dominated by images of Lisa walking away, usually smiling invitingly at Chaeyoung and beckoning her to follow but Chaeyoung was always rooted to the spot and couldn't chase after her until Lisa disappeared from sight. She'd wake up from these dreams and curl up in a ball and cry. Gone was the warmth of Lisa's smile replaced by the cold darkness and the realization sunk in that the petite girl was not lying next to her. There were many days where she wished she didn't have to wake up to the fact that Lisa was not brushing the hair back from her eyes or telling her that the past week was just a bad dream.

Her parents couldn't get her to eat, or talk and would only leave her room on rare occasions. Her mother knocked on the door to her room for the fiftieth time, trying to persuade her daughter to come out.

"Chaeyoung?" Her mother whispered. "Please come out. Honey, your dad and I are worried sick about you. Come out and talk to us please." She had repeated the same exact sentence multiple times over the week and she didn't expect this particular time to work either without anything extra to add. This time, she held a letter in one hand.

"We just got a letter from Lisa's parents. They said the funeral is in three days." She waited and heard the soft sobs fade. That usually meant that Chaeyoung had exhausted herself to sleep. Just as she was about to head downstairs, Chaeyoung opened the door. Her usually bright brown eyes were dull and red from crying and there were still fresh tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Mom..." Chaeyoung's voice shook so hard it seemed like she would fall apart at any moment. Her mother fought back her own tears at seeing her daughter in such a state. She walked over and cradled Chaeyoung in her arms.

"It's ok, baby." She reassured.

"No it's not, mom. I loved her." Chaeyoung cried.

"I know baby..." Chaeyoung tore herself from her mom's embrace.

"I really loved her." Chaeyoung repeated it over and over and her mother kept whispering comforting words, knowing that they were doing little to ease the pain.

That night Chaeyoung had her first meal. It was simple, just a peanut butter sandwich and milk but it was a something. Her mother sat next to her and watched her eat. Chaeyoung had to pause several times and just cry but it would pass and she'd take another bite until she finally finished.

"Chaeyoung, take a shower. You've been stuck in your room all week." Her mother suggested and Chaeyoung mechanically got up from the table and walked upstairs. Her mother cleaned up the dishes and sighed softly to herself. It was a start.

Everyone from the show choir and cheerleading clubs attended the funeral. There was not a single dry eye in the crowd the day they buried sunshine embodied. But there was one person who didn't attend and her absence was the most glaring thing that day. Chaeyoung was no where to be seen. Jennie looked around and texted her furiously during the entire thing, trying to figure out what possessed Chaeyoung to miss such an important day.

"Where is she?" Jisoo whispered. Jennie shrugged and mouthed "I don't know."

It was around ten at night when a figure walked through the cemetery. In her hands she held a bouquet of yellow daisies, Lisa's favourite kind of flowers. Chaeyoung knelt down before the grave and put down the flowers among the others.

"Hey Lili..." She whispered before she broke down in quiet sobs, hand rested on the top of the grave stone.

It wasn't like Chaeyoung missed much of school. They were close to winter break anyway so Chaeyoung got through classes by counting down the minutes until she could speed off to the graveyard and sit down next to Lisa's grave. Her parents only saw her late at night when she returned, curled up in bed and fell asleep. Every week Chaeyoung brought fresh flowers, even when it snowed and covered everything. She dusted the snow off before setting the flowers down.

As it neared Christmas, Chaeyoung did something so childish that if her past self had seen her, she would've slapped her. Chaeyoung took out a sheet of paper and wrote furiously.

Dear Santa, or God, or whatever the hell is out there.

Please, all I want for Christmas is Lisa back.

After writing those two lines, she pushed herself back from the desk, looked at the writing and covered her face. She was willing to try anything to bring back the feel of Lisa's hand curled around hers, or her soft kisses against her forehead when she was feeling bad. She folded the paper and went outside. She got into her car, her breath white in the air and drove to Lisa's grave. When she got there, she took the sheet of paper with the wish written down and let the strong wind take it away. She looked down at the gravestone.

"Please, please come back to me." She pleaded.

On Christmas Day, when Chaeyoung woke up, a small flicker of hope ignited when the doorbell rang and woke her up. Heart pounding, Chaeyoung threw on a bathrobe and raced downstairs. She all but flung the door open but the instant she did, her heart dropped. Standing outside, decked out in winter gear were all the members of choir.

"Merry Christmas, Chaeyoung." Jisoo said before everyone launched into Christmas carols. Chaeyoung stood in the doorway, forcing a smile. She looked up at the sky and felt foolish for letting herself hope that maybe, just maybe someone had granted her wish and brought the light and color back into her life.

"Merry Christmas, Lili." She whispered so softly no one could hear.

When school started back up, everyone could tell that Chaeyoung had changed, perhaps permanently. She was colder, meaner and more ruthless without Lisa. Coach Spears didn't mind. She saw a bit of herself in Chaeyoung with her blatant disregard for the well being of her teammates and her sudden obsession with perfection.

This carried over to choir where she berated anyone who messed up during the numbers. At first, her fellow show choir members let it slide, knowing exactly how hurt she was and that this was her coping mechanism. But after a few weeks they were fed up with Chaeyoung taking her anger out on everyone. When Abby stumbled over Chaeyoung, she immediately turned on her with all the wrath of an irritated snake.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you fucking fairy?" She snapped. Abby had enough.

"For the love of all things good,  Chaeyoung,  shut the fuck up! Everyone here has lost her. Don't think that just because you were in love with her that it entitles you tou blow up at everyone else!  You need to do what we've all started doing a month ago and fucking get over her! " The instant  she finished, she clapped a hand over her mouth. Everyone went silent and Miss Bae moved towards two of them, ready to intervene in the murder of a one Abby Frey. Chaeyoung clenched her teeth and hands and she literally shook with rage. Tears streamed from her eyes as she glared at Abby with all the hate she could muster. If there was one thing the school learned was not to mention Lisa at all around Chaeyoung. The boys in the room stood up,  also ready to stop the impending attack. Chaeyoung walked over to Abby and the boys moved closer.

"Chaeyoung..." Miss Bae warned. Chaeyoung stared into Abby's frightened eyes.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered. Chaeyoung was trembling so hard and she lifted her hand to slap her.

"Fuck you." She hissed and walked out of the choir room. The instant she walked by, Abby sat down, visibly affected by the incident just then.

"I shouldn't have said anything." She muttered over and over again.

"You need to apologize to her." Jennel said and Abby nodded. She spent the next several hours coming up with a suitable apology for what she just did to Chaeyoung. She went to school the next day and waited by Chaeyoung's locker. When she didn't show up that day, she waited until the next day. But as the days passed, it became apparent that Chaeyoung was not coming back.

The night after Abby had all but torn out her heart, Chaeyoung lay in her bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. She held a lumpy, misshapen duck against her chest and didn't move for hours. When she did, it was a mere glance down at the stuffed animal.

"I want to see the sunrise!" The image of Lisa's smiling face flashed through Chaeyoung's head. "I want to see it over the ocean." Chaeyoung sat up and looked at the duck. Without thinking too much, she got off the bed and slipped into her shoes. She went out to the car and got in. She put the duck in the passenger seat and pulled out of her driveway. She started driving and in a few minutes, she was at the edge of town. She drove until she saw the sign that said "Welcome to Tongyeong." She suddenly felt sick and pulled over, resting her head on the wheel.

It suddenly dawned on her that if they never went on that road trip, maybe Lisa wouldn't have died. She never would have proposed. She wouldn't have dropped the ring in the pool because those rings wouldn't have been there in the first place. Chaeyoung got out of the car and threw up on the side of the road. She walked back to the car. If she had been more firm about going to cheerleading camp, Lisa would be alive. These thoughts raced through her head and she hit her head against the car door.

Lisa would still be alive if Chaeyoung had done any of these things and Chaeyoung could think of a million.

"Lili...Lisa I can't do this without you." Chaeyoung cried. She sat against her car until she calmed down. When she felt like she could move again, she stood up and got back into the car and kept going. She hardly remembered the rest of the drive. One hour blended into the next and by eight, she found herself pulling up to the shore. The sun was barely rising.

"It's just as pretty as I remember it, Lili." Chaeyoung whispered, getting out of the car. She climbed on the roof and let the warmth of the first rays hit her face. She pulled her knees up to her chest and exhaled deeply. She closed her eyes and pretended that Lisa was leaning up against her, keeping her warm in the cold February morning.

"I'm coming Lili." She jumped off the hood of her car and began walking towards the morning sun.

It would be fitting, really if she drowned herself. Fairly painless too since she knew that the cold water would put her in shock and then drown her. And then she could finally be with Lisa. She had contemplated suicide before but she never had the energy. But now, with the sunrise and the beach, it never seemed like a better idea. She walked towards the rolling waves and closed her eyes.

Just as her feet hit the sand, she heard barking from behind her.

"Chaeyoung?" She turned around. Emma stood beside her car, staring wide eyed at the girl. Her resemblance to Lisa broke all the resolve Chaeyoung had and she broke down in violent sobs. Emma was cradling her close in seconds.

"I miss her. I miss her." Chaeyoung sobbed. Emma just held the girl tightly. Her heart broke for the blonde. She was so small and frail in her arms and she could tell that Chaeyoung could fall apart at any moment. Emma held her as if she were the only thing keeping the trembling girl together.