January 10, 2005

"Adeline, pet, how was school?" My mother greeted me when I walked in the door after school.

Bad! Horrible! I saw the guy that raped me.

"It was fine," I shrugged, taking a seat on one of the bar stools.

"And you're eating, right?" She eyed me.

"Yep, salad and almonds. Sticking to my diet," I nodded.

"That's not what I meant, love," Mam pursed her lips, "I meant are you eating enough."

My mam was constantly worrying about how much I ate, and not in the typical way. She wanted me to eat as much as I wanted. She was well aware that in ballet it was drilled into your head that you should be thin and that my teacher put me on strict diets to maintain my figure.

"Yep, breakfast lunch and a snack," I lied.

It wasn't that I wanted to lose weight, it was that I felt sick to my stomach at all times. Knowing that the seventy-two hour window they gave to collect rape evidence was far gone, made me extremely anxious.

If I came forward I'd have no forensic evidence. All I had was the clothes I'd worn, that were shoved in a bag under my bed and the various photos I took of the bruises on my body.

It was basically his word against mine and unfortunately we lived in a world where men had all the power.

"Are you alright, love? You seem down," Mam frowned, coming over to hug me.

Being in my mother's arms, nearly had me in tears.

"Yeah," I swallowed hard, "I'm okay."

"You're sure? You seem off," She continued to hold me.

"Who seems off?" My brother asked, tossing his training bag on the floor and sitting on the stool next to me.

"Addy," She rubbed my back, "Does she seem off to you?"

"A little," He shrugged, "Why? What's going on?"

"Nothing!" I said louder than I meant to, "Nothing is wrong, so just quit asking! God, I don't need the third degree."

It was mean. I knew it was but why the fuck was no one listening? And why the fuck couldn't I just tell them what happened?

It was like I was frozen, my mind was telling me what to do, but my body was refusing it. I was fucked in the head, so fucked I was yelling at my family.

My mam's eyes widened and she looked shocked.

"Jaysus," Johnny gasped, "You don't need to be so aggressive about it."

"Sorry," I muttered, "I'm sorry, Mam. I just really want to do well in auditions and it's stressing me out."

"It's okay, pet," She soothed me, "We know you'll do amazing."

"Addy, you're the best bleeding dancer in the school," Johnny smiled, "And probably in all of Ballylaggin, you will do great."

"Thanks," I forced a smile and tried to make it seem like their words were comforting me.

But they weren't, because ballet auditions were the last thing on my mind.

When Gerard strolled into the kitchen, I wanted nothing more than to curl up and die. He was able to tell something was wrong faster than my own family.

"Who died?" He asked, his gaze falling on me in my mam's arms.

"No one, Gibs," Johnny chuckled.

"Addy, are you okay?" Gerard's expression was full of concern.

"Yes, I'm all good," I smiled, tearing myself out of my mam's arms.

"You want to come play video games with Johnny and I?" He offered with a grin.

Normally I'd pass, video games were not my thing. But I didn't want to be alone.

"Yeah," I nodded, hopping off the stool, "I do."

"You do?" Johnny gaped, "Something is most definitely going on with you."

"Can't a girl want to hangout with her two favorite boys," I shrugged.

"I guess so," Johnny eyed me as we headed upstairs and into his room.

Crawling onto Johnny's bed, I sat in between Johnny and Gerard.

Looking at Gerard, I felt my stomach flip. The lad was a ride. I mean, he was disgustingly attractive with blonde hair and grey eyes. I also happened to know he had an amazing body.

And he was funny. I needed a man that was funny and that could handle my attitude, and Gerard most definitely could.

My gaze roamed his face before traveling down to his jawline and then neck—which was littered in hickeys—making me feel sick.

I knew it wasn't my place to care. Gerard and I were not dating but it still hurt. I had big feelings for the guy and seeing him with hickeys on his neck wasn't a good feeling.

"Are those...hickeys?" I asked, pointing to his neck.

"Maybe," He gave me a sheepish grin, "They're not from anyone special."

And they say chivalry is dead.

"Classy," Johnny snorted.

"Johnny's in love with the girl he nearly murdered," Gerard managed to change the subject.

"I am not!" Johnny snapped, "She's fifteen, that's too bleeding young."

"You gave the team a talking to for her," Gerard shrugged, "Just saying, that sounds like love to me. Not to mention the beat down you gave McGarry."

The name McGarry made my skin crawl. Stephan's face flashed in my mind, his breath on my face, his words—tell anyone and I'll kill you, you keep your mouth shut Adeline—his hands on my body, the tearing of my underwear.

Trying to get that night out of my head, I blinked my eyes rapidly and inhaled a deep breath.

"You beat up Stephan?" I forced his name out.

"Not Steph," Johnny shook his head, "Ronan."

Steph.

The use of the nickname reminded me that my rapist was my brother's teammate, his friend even.

"Oh," I tried to mask my disappointment, "Why'd you beat up Ronan?"

"Because he was saying shite about the girl," Johnny huffed, "And I don't stand for that."

"Johnny was all 'I'm your daddy on the field'," Gerard snorted.

"Ew! He actually said that," I gaped.

"Yes," Gerard laughed.

"Oh, cop on the pair of ye," Johnny rolled his eyes, hopping off his bed, "I'm going to shower."

"Perfect," Gerard gave him a cheeky grin, "I've always wanted to fuck your sister in your bed."

Johnny's eyes widened and his hands clenched into fists at his side, "Gibsie, I swear to god I'll murder you if you touch my sister."

"It's okay Johnny," I gave him a shit-eating grin, "We will only go to second base, and we will do it in my room."

"You two better not leave this room," He scolded us, "Or someone will end up dead."

Gerard and I exchanged glances and then nodded, before Johnny disappeared into the bathroom.

"I was serious about what I said," Gerard grinned.

"Shut up," I rolled my eyes, pushing his head away from me.

"Is that a no?"

"It's a no."

"Damn it, Addy," He sighed, "There you go crushing my dreams."

"In my dreams you don't let other girls give you hickeys," I glared at him.

"Are you jealous?" His eyes widened.

"Pssshh," I shook my head, "No."

"You're a bad liar, Addy," He grinned, "I'll stop with the hickeys."

"Good," I nodded, hopping off my brother's bed, "You do that."

"Aw, babe," He frowned, "Come back."

"I've got things to do, Ger," I lied, "Have fun in here, I'm going to shower, naked." I gave him a cheeky wink and closed Johnny's door behind me.

"Wait!" I could hear Gerard calling, "Don't tease me like that, Addy!"

I then trudged to my room, closed the door and slid down it.

It was exhausting pretending to be okay.

I had no idea how I was going to do this for the rest of my life.
But it was this or tell.

And the latter seemed a lot more complicated.