Chapter Six

‘Kimberley? Kim? Wake up babe.’ 

I feel like I’m badly hungover. I can barely open my eyes, and the room spins. Cheryl is kneeling next to me, stroking my cheek with her thumb. ‘Hey. You alright?’ 
‘Hmmm…’ 
‘D’you want anything to eat, or drink? It’s nearly three in the afternoon and you haven’t touched anything.’ 
‘No.’ 
‘I’m not gonna lie Kim, you’re scaring us. Will you let me call a doctor?’ 
I am more alert now. Not perfect, but better. ‘No, don’t… I’ll be fine… I just need to sleep it off…’ 
‘Are you sure?’ 
‘Yes. Please, don’t.’ 
‘Alright pet, don’t worry. Look I’ve got a lot of things to sort out, I might be busy for a few hours… but if you need us, shout us ok? Anything you need.’ 

I just nod and close my eyes again. Cheryl runs her fingers through my hair before leaving and if feels great. I don’t know what’s different about today than the last few days but I just can’t function. And it’s going to happen all over again tonight. 

Cheryl stayed with me all night. The night before she had left after she thought I was asleep, but this time she didn’t move until nearly seven in the morning, and I heard the shower on and she came back in when she was dressed to try and get me up. She’s been in and out all day since then, trying to get me to eat, but I can’t even stomach a glass of water, nothing. 

I reach down to the floor for my back and pull it up to me, slipping it under the quilt. I haven’t been able to go in it today because I never knew when Cheryl was going to come in, but I use the opportunity now she’s said she’ll be busy for a while. 

I fall back to sleep and don’t wake up again until after six. Finally feeling able to get up, I go quietly into the front room. Cheryl has just hung up the phone and has the laptop on the coffee table, and a few bits of paper spilling out of a folder next to her. She looks stressed. I am about to announce my presence when her phone rings again. ‘For f*cks sake!’ she mutters. ‘What?! Oh, hiya babe how are you? Actually now’s not a great time, can I ring you back?’ she laughs and leans back, looking more relaxed already. ‘Yeah I know what time it is over there, calm down, I’ll remember! Yeah. Oh right, well I’ll have to see… Ok babe talk to you later.’ 

Cheryl hangs up and stretches. ‘Cheryl?’ 
She jumps up straight away. ‘Hey, you’re up! I said shout us if you needed anything, what’s the matter?’ 
‘Nothing, I just wanted to get up.’ 
‘Are you sure?’ 
‘Yes! Don’t panic. I feel much better… for now.’ 
Cheryl smiles sadly and pulls me to sit next to her, pushing one of the folders onto the floor. ‘You’ll start feeling better soon.’ She says feebly. 
‘Yeah.’ I shrug. For once I don’t want to talk about me. ‘So what’re you up to?’ 
‘Oh, nothing, I’m sorted now…. Just one more thing, there’s a charity event I’m attending next month and me PA sent me some sketches to look at for what to wear. Here look at these.’ 
Cheryl hands me sketch after sketch, saying about most of them, ‘I don’t like this’ or ‘I’m not keen on that one.’ She gives me the last one and says ‘I’m in two minds about this, I think it’s missing something… what d’you reckon?’ 
‘I haven’t got a clue Cheryl.’ I laugh. 
‘Just your opinion.’ 
‘Well if this was…’ I look around. ‘D’you have blank paper, and a pencil?’ 
‘Yeah, here…’ 

Cheryl quickly grabs me what I need and stares at me with interest. I redraw the dress then start changing bits. ‘If they got rid of that frilly bit on the shoulders, you wouldn’t look like a Victorian maid…’ Cheryl has just raised a bottle of water to her mouth and chokes with laughter. I just smile and carry on. ‘And made that shorter at the front to show off your legs… and put some decoration around the waist there…’

I’m talking more to myself than Cheryl, but she leans closer and closer while I sketch, fascinated. Soon she is right against me, and when we both turn at the same time our faces are right next to each other’s. ‘That’s amazing.’ Cheryl whispers, and her voice gives me butterflies. She leans away slightly, clearing her throat, and takes the sketch off me. ‘My God, that’s actually gorgeous!’ she says. She looks from the drawing to me, and back again, over and over again. ‘I didn’t know you could draw like that!’ 
‘I told you I liked drawing.’ 
‘Nah, actually you said painting.’ 
‘Oh yeah…’ 
‘This is seriously… Wow. Much better than it was. Look at the difference!’ she holds them up next to each other. She looks in awe. ‘Calm down Cheryl it’s just a sketch.’ 
‘I’m sending these back together…’ 
‘You can’t do that, the designer would cry!’ I laugh. 
‘There isn’t a designer, it hasn’t been made yet. I’m sending this off, it’d be gorgeous if it was… God, you’re really good.’ 
‘Do you get this excited about a lot of things?’ I say, still laughing. 
‘Only Christmas.’ Cheryl giggles. ‘What else can you draw?’ 
‘Like I said, I’m more into painting.’ 
‘But you can draw too. Could you draw Buster?’ she says as the dog trots in, Coco following closely behind. Buster sits in front of me, his eyes fixed on me, like he is waiting. 
‘I don’t know, maybe.’ 
‘Will you? Give it a go?’ 
‘Only if you make me a cuppa, I’m parched.’ 

‘Deal.’ Cheryl says excitedly. She practically throws paper and a pad to lean on at me, then skips to the kitchen. Buster hasn’t moved. Coco lies down behind him and starts washing her face. I pull a face at Buster but he doesn’t react. Realising how stupid I must look I start to draw. 

I am so into it that I don’t notice when Cheryl comes back in, puts a cup of tea on the table and sits next to me and starts texting. She keeps her eyes averted. When I’m finished I twist my wrist, making it crack, and she glances up. ‘Can I have a look yet?’ 
‘Yeah, whatever.’ I chuck the pad at Cheryl, leaning back with a sigh. 
‘Oh my God!’ 
‘What?’ Cheryl stares at me with her mouth open. ‘If I didn’t just watch you doing it I wouldn’t believe you’d drawn that. That is just… can I keep this?’ 
‘If you really want to… there’s smudged finger marks on the sides though, look…’ 
‘I don’t care, I like them. I’ve got an Original… hang on what’s your surname?’ 
‘Walsh.’ 
‘An original Walsh. Great!’ 
‘Yeah it is. It’ll be worth a fortune when I’m dead.’ 
‘Kimberley, that’s not funny.’ 
‘It’s Kim.’ 
‘Sorry. Seriously though…’ Cheryl once again picks up the dress sketch. ‘Have you ever thought about being a designer?’ 
‘What? Just because I can draw a bit?’ 
‘You can draw more than a bit Kim. This is amazing.’ 
‘There’s a lot more to being a designer though.’ 
‘Maybe, but if you just did this in what, thirty seconds? Haven’t you ever thought about it?’ 
‘No not really. I was too busy shooting up on drugs and f*cking my life up.’ 
‘That’s not what I meant.’ 
‘I know it wasn’t. I’m just saying.’ 
Cheryl’s phone rings then, distracting her. ‘F*cking hell!’ she says in frustration. ‘This thing’s rang about sixty times today… what?’ she says irritably answering the phone, making me giggle. Then her face just falls. She looks like she’s frozen. I start to frown, and touch her hand, lying on the sofa. Cheryl stiffens at my touch. ‘What do you want?’ she says, her voice deep and dangerous. ‘I don’t care. No, I don’t want to talk to you. Stay away from me. No, don’t you dare! Stay away from me!’ 

She hangs up and throws the phone onto the opposite armchair, then jumps up and runs onto the balcony. I stand up but stay there for a minute to let her cool off. I want to know who it was that made her change like that. I drink my tea far too quickly and, unable to stand it any longer, follow Cheryl outside. It’s freezing and she only has a thin top on. I go into my room and get the jacket she left in there the night before, then go back outside. She is smoking, taking deep drags, shaking with the cold. ‘Cheryl? Put this on it’s freezing.’ 

Cheryl doesn’t even turn around. Nervously I go up behind her and drape the jacket over her shoulders, then stand next to her. I hate the smell of the smoke, it makes my stomach churn and it reminds me of my father. ‘Cheryl, are you ok?’ 
‘Yes.’ 
‘Do you want me to leave you alone?’ 
‘No…’ Cheryl sighs and puts the cigarette out on the wall, then lights another. ‘Sorry. I’m just a bit… I don’t know.’ 
‘You look terrified to me. Who was that?’ 
‘That was my… my ex-husband.’ 
‘Oh right.’ 
‘I haven’t heard from him in months… I never wanted to again.’ She mutters, taking another long drag. 
‘So… why did he call you now?’ 
‘He’s moving to Spain. He wanted to know if he could come and see us before he went.’ 
‘Oh. And are you--’ 
‘No.’ she snaps, putting the second cigarette out on the wall. ‘No I’m not, I never want to lay eyes on him again.’ Her voice rises and her eyes fill with tears. She turns away from me. ‘I’m sorry Kim. Go back inside, I’ll be fine, I’ll be in in a minute.’ 
‘Cheryl.’ 
I wait until she turns around and awkwardly raise my arms, offering her a hug. Her tears fall then but she smiles a bit and moves into my arms. I hold her while she cries, thinking what a bizarre role reversal this is all of a sudden. 
‘Sorry.’ She sniffs. ‘I just… God, why won’t he leave us alone?’ 
‘What did he say?’ 
‘He threatened to come here if I wouldn’t meet with him, just to see me again. How does he even know where I am?!’ 
‘Do you really not want to see him? Not even a little bit?’ 
‘Never ever again. Kim you’ve got no idea… I divorced him for a reason, I’m not going to meet him and talk to him and act as though everything he did is ok just because he’s moving abroad. I don’t care, but he still wants me to. I don’t want him anywhere near me. I physically hate him.’ 

I can’t help but think that this guy is more than just a cheating husband. Cheryl is shaking against me, she’s changed. She’s been taking care of me, but suddenly I see a different side to her. A vulnerable side. And she looks so small and scared… 

‘If he turns up here, I’ll kick his arse.’ 
Cheryl laughs then. I realise I’ve been hugging her for several minutes now. Even as the thought crosses my mind she pulls away slowly, smiling weakly. ‘I’d like to see that. Very much.’ 
‘I mean it. If you don’t want to see him… you’ve been so brilliant to me. And just because of one phone call you’re suddenly shitting yourself. Nobody should be allowed to make you feel like that, and if he’s true to his threat and comes here I’ll make sure you don’t even have to see him. Okay?’ 
‘That’s really sweet.’ Cheryl whispers. 
‘He really hurt you didn’t he?’ 

Cheryl’s eyes fill with tears again and she looks down. ‘I’m sorry.’ I say in a panic. I don’t want her to cry again. ‘I didn’t mean… you don’t have to talk about it.’ 
‘I can’t anyway. Not yet. Like you said… the words, they won’t come.’ 
‘Weird, isn’t it?’ 
‘The weirdest.’ She sighs. 
‘Can I say something?’ 
‘What?’ 
‘I think you should stop smoking.’ 
Cheryl laughs. ‘Aye I know, it’s not good, especially for me voice.’ 
‘I’m serious. It’s awful. How many do you smoke a day?’ 
‘Like three or four… not many…’ Cheryl says, looking a bit worried. ‘Why, what does it matter?’ 
‘It matters a lot.’ I snap. I don’t know why I’m doing this. ‘You’re damaging yourself and people around you. D’you know how unhealthy they are?!’ 
Cheryl can tell it’s got me worked up. She frowns at me shrewdly. ‘Something happened, didn’t it?’ 
‘What’re you on about?’ 
‘Something to do with smoking… or something… you’re so sensitive about it for a reason, am I right?’ 
‘Wow. Give the girl a medal.’ I say sarcastically. Then I go back inside and into the spare room. The next wave of withdrawal will start soon. I slam the door loudly, letting Cheryl know not to follow me. 

**

I’m right in the worst stages, shaking and sweating and moaning and feeling like I should be constantly throwing up, only I’m not. And I need her. But she doesn’t come in. 

I fall in and out of sleep, never for more than two minutes though. Then I wake up and she is there. I drifted off alone and wake up in her arms. 
‘I can’t let you do this anymore.’ She says in my ear, and I can tell by her voice she is crying too. ‘I need to get you some proper help, Kim.’ 
‘N-No. I c-can do it… I won’t take… anything else. Even… even if it will… help. N-no more.’ 

Cheryl just holds me tighter. I close my eyes against the pain. ‘Cheryl… my dad…’ 
‘What? Your dad? Do you want to call him? D’ you want me to call him?’ 
‘No. You can’t.’ I stop and take several deep breaths. ‘He’s dead.’ 
Cheryl doesn’t say anything for a while. ‘I’m so sorry Kim. What happened?’ She is trying to get me to tell her to take my mind away from the pain and onto something else. Well, she asked for it. 
‘It was… lung cancer…’ 
‘Oh my God.’ Cheryl says, twigging why I was so crazy about her smoking before. ‘Oh, Kim…’ 
‘Listen.’ 
‘I’m listening.’ 
‘He got lung cancer… he never… ever… touched a cigarette in his life. It was… passive smoking.’ 
Cheryl doesn’t say anything. I’m glad. I’m consumed by pain and need but I want her to feel this. I want her to know. 
‘He never smoked… and he got cancer… and he was… dead in a year. Less than… a year.’ 
The pain is more distant now and I’m falling asleep. ‘I’m so sorry Kim…’ 
‘Don’t have to be sorry.’ I mutter. ‘Just… understand.’ 
‘I do. I do understand.’ Cheryl pulls the quilt up around me. 
‘Will you – will you stay with me tonight?’ 
Cheryl has already slipped in behind me, and pulls me towards her, and kisses my forehead. ‘Of course I will. I’m here. It’s alright, Kim, go to sleep. It’s alright.’ 

**

The next day, for the first time, I wake up before Cheryl and it strikes me immediately how beautiful she looks when she is sleeping. There is a tiny smile on her face while she breathes steadily in and out, and I hope she is having good dreams. I still feel groggy and sick, but better than I did yesterday. Today, I might not spend the whole day in bed. 

With a sudden thought, I slowly slip out of bed and sneak out of the room. I take my bag with me and do what I need to do before Cheryl wakes up, then go back in with the blank paper pad and a pencil. Dropping my bag back on the floor I slip back in bed, but sit cross-legged and start to draw. 

I finish long before Cheryl wakes up, leave the pad on the floor next to me and go back to sleep, feeling sick again. Cheryl wakes me up a bit later. 

‘Morning sleepy head. How are you today?’ 
‘Hey. I’m ok, I think. I was awake before.’ 
‘Aah, you should’ve give me a poke.’ 
‘No, it’s ok, I… Can I show you something?’ 
‘Yeah course, what?’ 
Stay there, don’t look.’ 
I lean over the opposite side of the bed and pick up the pad, then give it to Cheryl upside down. She frowns at me but I just bite my lip and say, ‘Turn it over.’ 

Cheryl gasps slightly when she sees my drawing of her fast asleep. She stares at it for a long time. I watch her eyes rove over the picture, taking in every inch of it. 

‘What d’you think?’ I ask her after too many minutes of silence. She looks up at me and starts to smile. ‘I think you need to do something with this talent, babe. Seriously. This is… really amazing. You could do so much, being able to draw like this.’ 
‘But that’d make it a job… I just enjoy it.’ 
‘You are allowed to enjoy your job you know.’ Cheryl giggles. ‘I love mine.’ 
‘True… I don’t know, I guess I’ll think about it. Listen about last night…’ 
‘Please don’t apologise.’ Cheryl says sincerely, grabbing my hand. 
‘Just listen.’ I ask. ‘Look, when I told you about my dad…’ For a second I can’t carry on, and Cheryl just squeezes my hand tighter. ‘I didn’t – I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty or upset you or anything. I don’t know why I said it.’ 
‘It’s alright babe, you’re right. You must look at people who smoke and get so angry.’ 
I nod in agreement. ‘For a long time after he died, I’d just look at people who were smoking… and I’d just think, why not you? And that’s terrible, that’s a horrible thing to think. I was just so angry at the world for taking my dad…’ I can feel tears in my eyes so I stop talking. Cheryl shuffles closer to me. ‘How old were you?’ she whispers. 
‘Seventeen. He died the week after I turned seventeen.’ 
‘I’m so sorry.’ 
‘Don’t be, seriously, it’s not your fault and last night when I said all that, I never wanted to make you feel guilty or anything, I just… got angry, I guess.’ 
‘I understand. And I’m not gonna smoke any more.’ 
‘I didn’t say--’ 
‘I know you didn’t, but you’re right Kim. It’s a really cruel world.’ Something in her eyes changes when she says this, and she lets go of my hand, standing up. ‘It’s a really cruel world.’ 
‘Cheryl?’ 
‘I’m gonna make toast, d’you want some?’ 
‘No, thanks.’ 
‘You have to eat, Kim.’ 
‘Alright, then, but I’ll help you.’ 

Cheryl smiles. Before we go into the kitchen she picks up her drawing, and on the way past to the kitchen she props it up against a vase on a little table in the hallway.