In the soft snow beside Thunderclan's glistening frosty undergrowth, a lithe young tom stood still. His shoulders were hunched as he waited, breath cloudy in the windless air.

"Trufflepaw. You coming?"

Trufflepaw looked back. Prey dangled from his jaws.

The two toms were headed for a snowy hollow half a day's walk outside Thunderclan territory. The rest of their clanmates waited at the top of a crest, already laden with prey that they would share before they lost sight of the clan territories.

"We need to regroup and reach that hollow before sundown. It's our safest chance at avoiding the wolves tonight."

It's just... He didn't want to.

He was leaving all he loved back there, behind those fox-cursed brambles at the bottom of a snow-covered slope. The ones with the thorns wider than a cat's paw.

Behind the overgrown weeds and interlocking ivy vines that tripped up your steps anytime you weren't looking. Behind even the holly bushes and sour-scented dandelions- that he loved to hate and hated to love.

"Trufflepaw," the voice repeated ever-so patiently.

He stayed waiting for some sort of sign. Something to tell him to turn back. Ignoring his clan leader.

No cat's call rang out from the thick-trunked oak and spruce trees. The wind didn't lift his fur in the opposite direction, tugging him back. Like he wanted it to.

I have to decide. This is my last chance.

And Trufflepaw? He opened his jaws, and he did decide. Even though he had already decided what felt like six times before this.

I was so sure. But this is.. I can't- I just can't!

He'd tried to remain placid like Antlerstar was, really he had. But this time his voice came out high and pitiful.

"I don't think I can do what's best for my clan. Not here. Not now."

"You said you made up your mind. She told you to leave this territory for her, so you could survive. Squirrelchase wants you to-"

"I know what she wants!" Trufflepaw interjected, ashamed. Flattening his ears and turning away.

"I just can't do it, alright? I'm not like you." He spoke out toward Thunderclan's sparkling forest, so that he wasn't shoving his emotions right into his leader's face.

"You can leave your kin behind for the betterment of Thunderclan, but I can't!"

The crisp air went silent for a few moments. Thunderclan's leader let his whiskers fall until they nearly brushed the earth.

"Trufflepaw, trust me when I say I knew the weight of what we were asking you.

No cat is in the right or wrong for making a decision such as mine or yours today." The leader straightened from his bow.

Trufflepaw was quieted once again by Antlerstar's ability to stay composed.

He's always so calm about everything. The apprentice sighed so deeply that his shoulders fell.

I know Antlerstar cares about his kin. Maybe I'm just angry that I can't do what he does yet. Staying strong no matter what... And putting Thunderclan above everything else.

Does that make me less of a clan cat? I'd say it does. But Trufflepaw felt too insecure to ask his leader such a thing, him of all cats.

Even though Antlerstar wasn't an old leader. Their clan had been through turmoil before him. But the stoic tom had learned to fill the role quickly and efficiently, providing solid leadership for Thunderclan in these times of strife.

And I just snapped at him... I can't ever stay calm. I can't ever control my emotions. Not about things like this.

It's just like all the other times- when I cried into Garlicpaw's fur.

Each time, Garlicpaw eventually pushed him off, saying 'Chill, bro. You're always too sensitive. You gotta learn how to control your emotions, at least on the outside.' Maybe he was right.

Trufflepaw was unaware that he was lost in thought in front of the Thunderclan leader. Until Antlerstar cleared his throat, that is.

"If you're sure that you want to stay, I'll leave you now. I can't bear to say goodbye to them again." Trufflepaw saw emotion shining in the leader's eyes, although his voice was strong.

"Take your catch with you. I know we already left a fresh-kill pile for the injured cats, but you can always bury it in the snow to preserve it.

May Starclan light your path and the paths of all that you pad beside." Antlerstar dipped his head again, this time in farewell.

"Wait!" Trufflepaw called out after briefly hesitating, but the broad-shouldered tom was already bounding away.

I didn't say goodbye to Garlicpaw...

Garlicpaw was his best friend. More like kin, really. It felt like they had survived everything together. They'd seen their clan and families struck down by the wolves practically since they'd both opened their eyes. And they'd stuck closer because of it.

Garlicpaw had been a huge piece of Trufflepaw's world for more than half his life. Just like Squirrelchase. And it felt like betrayal not to say anything to him. To just leave that all in the air.

Even if the explanation of why he'd chosen to stay came from Antlerstar, it felt... Wrong. Wrong that he'd chosen his kin over his best friend and his clan.

And they were pretty close to getting their warrior names together. Until Trufflepaw had gone and wrecked it, that is.

I destroyed my dreams and part of Garlicpaw's, too.

Crestfallen, Trufflepaw decided that it would only hurt his friend more to see him go. Garlicpaw was pretty understanding on a front, since he never liked to show emotions or weakness in front of other cats. So really, Trufflepaw could expect a guarded response.

But he'd be able to see through it, of course. And then it would wreck him all the worse for what he'd done. Claws latched into his heart, tugging him one way and then the other. His thoughts were at war.

Maybe a snake was winding around his throat. Maybe vines were growing out of his heart, wrapping around his paws and muzzle. That's what it felt like, but every time Trufflepaw looked- nothing was there.

He needed to get away from this feeling. And there was one way he knew how. One thing that always brought relief from it.

Trufflepaw turned on his heels and raced into the forest. Giant sycamore trees towered high above his head. The weak winter sunshine that slanted through was greenish-gray and cold.

Just like the snow beneath his pads. Just like the wind he breathed in and out. Just like that hollow feeling in his heart.

It was bleeding again, the stubborn thing. It never stopped, really. Not until he was right in front of the forepaws of the cat that he loved. Trufflepaw barged through the forest, tearing his fur running too close to bramble bushes.

He pulled up short when he finally made it to the end of the gorse tunnel.

"Mother!"

He barreled through the snow. Trufflepaw sobbed, bounding down the sloping path that led into Thunderclan camp.

"Squirrelchase! Mom! I came back for you and Rainbowkit. I came... back."

He stopped as two cats hobbled out of the medicine cat's den entrance. One halted partway through, so that her haunches and outstretched tail were swallowed in dismal blue shadow.

Littlecherry had greencough. Fireflyfur and Cirruspelt had tried and failed to treat it so far. Quick-tempered Cirruspelt had chosen to stay behind and help the remaining warriors, but Trufflepaw didn't see her around.

"Littlecherry and Flamewind, are you feeling better?" Trufflepaw held fast to his manners, dipping his head to his clanmates politely.

Even though Thunderclan had only been gone since early sunrise. Even though, 'are you feeling better?' was a inane question. And finally, even though it his mother that he was truly worried about.

"Always such a polite lad," Flamewind declared.

"We've been better, sweetheart. But for now, we're alright." Littlecherry's voice quavered.

"Yes. I'm-..." Flamewind trailed off with a wheeze. They waited for him to respond for so long, that Trufflepaw wondered for a second if his heart had stopped beating altogether.

"I'm okay, I guess."

"I'm so sorry. I can help you guys! I'm back now. I can make you fresh nests and help Cirruspelt out." The brown tom's heart swelled with trepidation.

"Where's Squirrelchase?" He asked, searching Littlecherry's gaze.

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A/N: Please stay tuned for Pt.2, which will be the final upload