*Reid's Pov*

I groaned as James barreled me into a tree.Pain sizzled in my left thigh as I shifted back to human form. Training was not looking good for me right now.

"Come on, don't tell me you've gone soft on us." James said as he stood over me. He offered me a hand up but I slapped it away and climbed  to my feet.

"What's wrong, the big bad alpha's son can't live up to his name?"He goaded. I tried to take a few steps on the leg but it stung, he'd done quite a number on it.

I shifted again calling for a fight. I made a careless rush at him to which he sidestepped. Before I could turn around his sharp teeth bit down on the same injured leg, and I fell to the floor again. I had been careless with this one, I never went for the head rush unless I was desperate, but it seems like I'd been doing that a lot more recently.

Training for the rouge attacks made the problem I was having painfully visible. I could no longer pretend that I wasn't feeling the effects.I was becoming weaker, Cara's initial rejection had weakened me severely. Even though our relationship was sort of mending,  it takes three months before the effects of initial rejection wear off on the body. I was not even 1 month in. I was becoming easily tired, simple tasks such as running the perimeter of the woods felt endless. It was getting tougher to go about daily activities.

I was definitely in no condition to fight, if the battle was tomorrow I'd be killed instantly. No amount of alpha's blood running through my veins could save me. That was how powerful love was, when it crushed you, it actually crushes you; physically, mentally, emotionally.

I wasn't blaming Cara at all. Everything was my doing, I broke her heart and in return she broke mine.

I had one job, one fucking job and that was to love her and protect her. Somewhere along the lines, things became skewed and I ended up keeping things from her. I thought the less she knew the better it'd be for her. God what a fool I'd been.

Then she ran off to New York of all places. She could have been kidnapped along the way, what the hell was she thinking? God if anything would have happened to her I don't know what I'd do. I frowned. I know what I'd do, I'd blame myself for eternity for causing two deaths. First my mother's and then hers, and I wouldn't be able to live with that on my conscience.

I thought we had made a breakthrough in NY. We talked about our relationship and she admitted that she wanted us to work things out. But then last week she doubled down and essentially took back most of what she had told me in NY. She even went so far as to ask we be friends. Although it may not have seemed like it, I had to truly restrain myself from yelling at her out of frustration.  We were mates and her saying that was a literal slap in the face.

It was a good thing I went to Washington after all. I had forgotten for a split second that she rejected me  and that it'd take so damn long for my wolf to heal from the effects. I needed to train hard and fast if I wanted to survive out there on that field.

The next three sparing rivals had beaten me easily, even Matt destroyed me. Things were worse than I thought, I couldn't fight like this.

I sat down under the shade of a trunk and drank from my water bottle. Matt came over and sat down.

"Man, what the hell is going on? "Matt said hitting me hard on the back. I almost spilled the water all over us.

I shook my head and tried to appear less troubled than I really was."Mate rejection, you're seeing it in the flesh buddy." I spat some water on the floor.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that, thankfully I've never had to deal with that." Matt leaned back and wiped the sweat from his face." You look terrible."

I forced a laugh."Thanks." I've already noticed my weakening state but for others to as well was simply mortifying.

"Come on Reid how the hell are you going to fight when the time comes, you'll noticeably be weaker. You'll be slaughtered out there."

I glared at him, I did not need his concern. "No, I won't." I'll work harder. I'll do whatever it takes to return back to the way I was, as long as I never had to see the pitying look on Matt's face or anyone else's for that matter.

"So what are you going to do?"

I shrugged, then the idea came to me. "I'll stay here in Washington, I'll do more training, whatever it takes." As soon as I said it I regretted it. 'Cara', my mind reminded me. I didn't know how'd she'd react.

"What about Cara?" Matt asked the obvious.

I turned my face to the side pretending to be interested in the neighboring tree. I affected an uninterested look and then returned back to face him. I was hoping he couldn't see through the facade, see the pain in my eyes whenever the topic of my mate was brought up.

"Well she went to New York once before so why shouldn't I stay in Washington, it's certainly quicker." I took a deep breath.

Matt shrugged but still looked uneasy. "I don't know man, maybe you should talk to her about it .See what she says."

"I know, but I can't tell her the real reason." I knew my mate and she would rack herself with guilt if she knew the state that I was in. I rather her hate me then to find out what I was slowly disintegrating into."Let her hate me. If I die, she can't know that it was because of the rejection."

Matt shook his head at me. He was mystified and upset at me. "Tell her Reid, she could help you get over the rejection. If it were Ashley, I..."

"I'm not you." I cut him off. I was beginning to lose patience but I couldn't really blame Matt for that. He was simply trying to help, but I was already grumpy and exhausted.

"No kidding. I don't get into these kind of fights with my mate. Because I prefer not to keep secrets from her." He answered back defiantly. "How is Cara supposed to trust you if you can't even trust her."

"I trust her."

Matt rolled his eyes. "You don't. Because if you did then you would have told her about herself. That excuse you gave her about your father stopping you, do you really believe that yourself? You never listen to your father Reid. You would have no problems telling her, but yet you held off. And you want to know why."

"Why?... Humor me."

"Because you raised yourself to trust no one. That's how you were conditioned. You choose to keep things inside and not burden others with the truth. Well, if you want to keep Cara, you need to learn to break that wall down."

I'm trying. I wanted to say to him. Frustrated tears begged to come to the surface but I stomped them down. I was tired, I could feel my strength waning with each breath due to rejection, and I was being opened up and psychoanalyzed by my cousin. All I wanted to do was lay next to my mate and pretend these last few weeks had been a dream.

Matt was still going on, so I cut the conversation short with a deep growl. "Look I didn't ask to be psychoanalyzed today. I'll call her ok."That settled the conversation once and for all.

After training I went back to the apartment we were staying at. I couldn't stop thinking about what Matt said. He was right, i had a lot of work to do on myself. But sometimes it was important to keep a loved one in the dark, if it was to save their life or prevent them from feeling guilt. Today, I would need to continue to keep Cara in the dark, for her own good.

Already I was envisioning the direction this conversation would soon head to and I was not looking forward to it.

She picked up the phone on the second ring. "Reid?"

"Hi Cara." I cringed at the clipped tone I was using with her.

A bit of silence ensued and she spoke first. "Is everything ok Reid?" Her voice trembled a bit when she asked. She could tell by my voice that something was wrong. "Why weren't you in school this past week? You said you would be back in two days."

"Yes everything is fine. I am still in Washington and I've decided I'm going to stay here for the next month and a half until the fighting is over." I forgot to factor in time it takes to heal. Judging by the state I was in, the rogue attacks were going to do a number on my body.

More silence at first . Then it dawned on her."What? Why!" I heard her groan slightly. "A whole month and a half!"

"Yes. Cara this is just how it has to be." I said curtly.

"We're supposed to be working on our relationship.  Are you ending things for good?"She was rightfully upset and she was right, I had promised her that I would be back home in two days.

"Look I thought I'd call you and give you notice of where I'll be. I'm here for training ok. I really need to train for this upcoming fight. It's mandatory.That's all. I will be back once the fighting is over. As for if I am ending things, I think it's best to do so. I don't want to stop you from pursuing things with other people if that's what you want to do." Truthfully, I was worried that I wouldn't survive the battle. I didn't want her to be heartbroken over me.

"Here we go again with the secrets! I don't believe you Reid. Why are you really there? Give me a proper explanation as to why you've been working so hard7 to be with me and then suddenly you change your mind and run off to Washington. And now you want to end things? Is it because of Christian? Is it because I asked for us to be friends? I'm so sorry, I was wrong to ask that. I don't want to be with Christian, I want to be with you."

"I have to train Cara, there's no other choice. You are free to do as you want. And maybe after the fight." - If I survived the fight - "We can see if there's anything worth salvaging of our relationship." I was being heartless but I wanted her to hate me. That way if I perished on that field, she would have an easier time moving on.

"So I guess you aren't going to be my date to the Winter formal. You promised me that we'd go."

"No. I can't waste any time." As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I cringed.

"Wow.I'm sorry, if I'm such wasted time. Have a nice day Reid." She hung up the phone on me. I knew she was expecting me to call back and apaologize but I wouldn't do so.

What I was doing could be portrayed as heartless, but in order to train myself to get back to prior form, I would need to tear my heart out and focus that energy instead on fighting rouges. I couldn't be in California and focus on building back up strength whilst fighting to win her love. The question is.... if I survived the battle, would she ever take me back? Would I ever be worthy of her forgiveness?