I am currently anxious and a little nauseous due to my life choices. I'm such a six. Maybe I need some air. Anyway. Imma just... Write this and listen to some music (Hozier my bogman beloved) and pretend all is well ;) thank you for the support so far. It's overwhelming in the best way lol, I'm trying very hard to believe it 😁 yall are gonna love what's coming... I hope <3

The car ride is silent. Peaceful. All you can hear is the hum of wheels on road. Until you wake, that is. And then I am pulled back, much too suddenly, from my pretence. I'd managed to muffle my thoughts, despite how hard they tried to scream at me. The screen keeping them at bay shatters, leaving me overwhelmed and alone with the consequences of my actions.

Otherwise known as you, Rhys.

I only manage a swallow before you've ruined the quiet again. Not with a cough this time but with your voice. Your stupidly gorgeous voice. "Would you like to talk, Joseph?"

"...About?"

Careful. I might have you tied up but one can never be certain with you. You've been full of more and more surprises ever since I met you. Impossible to predict.

"You just... Seem disturbed. I want to help."

I almost left you for dead. Stop being kind to me, I won't fall for it. You must hate me as much as I do.

"Joe... I would like to apologise. I was not in the right state of mind. Those things I said, I was... Being ridiculous. I know this. Of course, you don't feel that way, I'm sorry for trying to force all those jumbled words onto y- wait." You're silent for a long time, a blank expression on your face that conceals all the calculations and processing I'm certain are happening beneath. And then, "am I...? I am. I'm alive. Why am I...?"

I respond with a shrug, shooting him a faked grin. He shakes his head for a moment, clearly teetering between utter disbelief and amusement, then stares at me, a small smile on his lips. "So tell me... Was my drugged-up theory right? Or are you just mad beyond repair?"

"I guess we'll never know."

"Bloody hell. My head is scrambled. Quite a punch it gives, that potion of yours. I haven't felt this confused since I last let the gang cajole me into letting loose with them. I needed the liquid comfort; I regretted it the very morning after."

"The first and last time they did that to me, I saw Malcolm on my kitchen table and was convinced I'd stabbed him myself. Thanks for that, by the way." He bows the best he can while bound and I roll my eyes, tucking away the small smile peeking at my lips, hoping he didn't notice. "Not the very first time I wrongfully accused myself of murder, actually."

"Really? I do love a good story, Goldberg." I am reminded of Delilah's slit throat. It stirs up remnants of my quick lunch that I am uneager to throw up. A topic change it is.

"You wouldn't have ripped off the covers of those books you gave me to read if that were actually true."

"Well... They're all burned to ashes now so I think we know who the real book-Nazi is here, don't we?" His voice loses its cheery tone and I feel absolutely vindicated. Finally, he starts to let it out. Of course he's pissed at me. Of course, he's now realised the things he said on his supposed deathbed were mere fantasy. Why hide that rage of yours when I've done everything to deserve it, full-flame?

"You sound upset." He hears the smirk in my voice, glares at me. I let it show on my face and he growls, visibly disturbed by how lax I'm behaving. This is going exactly as planned, though I would have appreciated some yelling added to the mix. He almost never yells. I should feel guilty but I can't help the fact that the smile I'd had on quickly becomes real the more the vein tracing your throat defines itself.

Gritting your teeth isn't healthy for you, Montrose. Scream at me. Scream my name-

That didn't come out right.

"You blew up our home, you absolute dunce."

"You mean my prison. And I'd prefer to call it an evidence wipe." Completely ignoring me, he throws his hands in the air, sporting the slightest smirk once he's groaned long enough. It suddenly occurs to me that he's only been teasing me. The little markers of rage have completely left his face, leaving only the contentment of a man who didn't almost get murdered hours ago. Except- you most certainly did so- so what could you possibly be so happy about?!

Great. Now I'm the one that's pissed off. Thanks, Rhys.

"Where on earth are we going to find another safehouse, darling? The election isn't too long from now, you know so it's important we live somewhere no one can spot us. Spot me."

Darling.

I'm upset because he refuses to take this seriously. Not the fact that he almost died. Or that I'm the one who was going to set him alight. He just sits there... Watching me. And I'm beside him, feeling confused and frustrated in ways I will not dive deeper into under any circumstances. How very familiar, this feeling between us. It creates a vacuum as he stares, sucks out all the air, leaves me floundering desperately for some sort of anchor. I ignore the way his eyes burn into me as I drive, instead reminding myself that things are different now.

I have the upper ground. I make the decisions.

Rhys Montrose is screwed. I'm sure he'll soon be reeling in earnest; I know how much he enjoys being in control.

"Joseph... May I just say I love watching you drive?"

"I will stop this car and blindfold you right now if you keep... Dammit, Rhys."

"I didn't know you were versed in such cruel torture techniques... I'm restrained already and now, you want my sight hindered and in your control, too? I see your seduction clear as day, Goldberg. It's always important to learn your partner's kinks, right?"

"Is this entertaining to you? The fact that I'm driving a car and you're tied up in the passenger seat next to me with no way of escape?"

"Very. But I'm also rather pissed at myself for letting any of this happen  in the first place. Things have certainly gotten a little out of hand, haven't they?"

"Now you know how I felt, sweetheart." Admitting it must annoy him even more, not to mention the pet name I call him because he shows a genuine sign of rage. A mere twitch of his jaw - but it's enough. I'm glad he's still human enough to be hurt. I was worried he'd keep pretending all is well the entire time we have to be around each other.

"Yes. I suppose we're even. Except for one crucial detail... I'm going to escape, Joseph. I'll make sure this little game of ours goes on forever."

"How does the thought of something like that not terrify you?"

"I'd be happy to have the company. Particularly as it is yours," he replies solemnly, genuine and cold. The ice should freeze me to my fingertips but your words are too warm for me to feel the effect. "You're the only person on earth that isn't indescribably boring to me, Joe. You challenge me in all the best ways. And I do feel a bit broken-hearted over how we left things but... No matter."

You're joking, right? I can see the amused glint in your eyes clear as day but something hides beneath, something... Too hard to look at. I force my gaze off of you and try not to think about the dumb shit you rambled while under influence of what I gave you. Thinking of any of that will only give me a headache and I need some goddamn quiet.

And it really is quiet for a while. Then;

"Ooh, ooh, wait! Another memory! You kissed me... Didn't you? How bizarre. My my, Joseph Goldberg. Whatever shall I do with you? Look how suddenly you've fallen for me."

"I'm not the one who repeatedly confessed my love for a man who was about to murder me just a couple hours ago."

"But he didn't. So there's hope."

"I spared you just as you spared me. We go our separate ways, now."

"You know that's not possible, Joe."

"And why the hell not?!"

"You know why. You know why."

He gazes at me while I remain utterly silent, keeping all my attention on the empty road ahead. When he explained that we were away from civilisation, he really wasn't kidding. His expression grows tired, drooping, a weary sigh leaving his lips. I feel that guilt again. I hate it. Why did I have to keep him alive? Why couldn't I just get him out of my head once and for all?

I don't know what to do. I know every plan I've ever had inevitably falls into ruin but this... You... Were nothing I could have seen coming. And I suppose I've been the same for you, messing with your more complicated plans whether intentionally or not since we first met. Since Malcolm. What a time has passed since our maddening Evanesce days; me searching for your identity, you trying to dig into who I am on a much more intrusive level than name or face alone.

Where do we go from here? I have no desire to figure things out right now. I feel as drained as you look.

I'll just... Drive us home.

I've got a hankering for something dizzyingly strong. Hammered soon, panicked later.

Damn, editing helped a lot. I feel better. I'm gonna... Go sleep away my problems for a bit. There's always gonna be time to panic which is why it's way better to simply stop giving a fugg and lose contact with consciousness n reality for a smidge 🙂