TW: SELF HARM, depression, anxiety, panic attack, mental illness, blood.

[ Carrington catches his bf Johnnie harming himself. ]

Skip if uncomfortable please!!

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Johnnie is crying in his room one night. Laying on his side. His depression hit him hard tonight, and he was just too much in his head.

Soft sobs left his lips as he forced himself to sit up. He pushed his hair back as he sniffled.

Wiping the messy makeup on his eyes, but it only made the emo makeup smudge even more.

He got off his bed and stumbled towards his bathroom. He closed the door, sliding down his bathroom door and crying.

Carrington was just on his way to get a late night snack when he heard a faint sound. He paused and listened, walking towards the noise.

The sound was coming from Johnnies room and he slowly approached the door.

He pressed his ear to the door, listening to the crying and softly knocking on the door.
"Hey...Johnnie?"

But it wasn't from his bedroom, it was from the bathroom connected to the bedroom.

Johnnie is crying softly in his bathroom. Before he gets up and ripped open his bathroom drawer where is shaving kit is. He grabbed the razor and broke it so he could get the blade from it.

He wasn't thinking, he just slides down and sits on the floor. Shoving up his sleeve as he stared at the blade and then his tatted arm, debating if he should or not. He was scared and didn't want to relapse.

Carrington pressed his ear to the door and could now clearly hear it coming from the bathroom.

He started to get worried. Johnnie was crying in there and...he was worried. He knocked on the door again, this time a little louder and more urgent.
"Johnnie...are you okay?"

Johnnie got startled by the door knocking but he didn't respond. He numbly stared at his arm and made up his mind. He was listening to his negative thoughts as he began to harm himself.

Carrington began to panic when he didn't receive a response, and he began to jiggle the door knob.

"Johnnie opens the door...*please*!"
He said, his voice was starting to crack as worry filled his entire body.

He needed to know if Johnnie was okay...he needed to see him. To hold him. He needed to be there for him. Even if he didn't know why he needed it so badly...

Johnnie sighed, he shoved his sleeve back down. Hiding his fresh wounds as he puts his razorblade away in his pocket of his jeans. He gets up and walked to his bedroom door, he unlocked it and opened it.

Carrington nearly fell into the room when the door opened, but he managed to catch himself.

He quickly looked at Johnnie up and down to see if he was okay. He didn't notice the fresh wounds on his arm, but he definitely saw his puffy red eyes.

His heart dropped and he gently cupped his cheeks, tilting his head up to look at him."Baby...what's wrong?"

Johnnie shakes his head, "Nothing, babe," he replied. As he kissed Carrington's cheek, "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, baby, it's okay."Carrington spoke softly, pulling him closer to his chest.

Johnnie sniffled as he pulled back. "How was your modeling shoot today?" He asked, rubbing his arm as he sits on the bed.

Carrington noticed the way Johnnie was rubbing his arm and how he tried to avoid eye contact. He knew something was definitely wrong, but decided not to press him on it.

"It was good, they said the pictures were going to turn out well."He sat down beside Johnnie, gently grabbing his wrist and pulling his arm away from him.

His eyes glanced down at Johnnie's arm, but there was nothing there for him to see since the sleeve was up. So he slowly released his grip.

Johnnie winced in pain as his arm was grabbed. He forced a smile and pulled his arm away, "thats good, baby"

Carrington's eyes widened slightly when he saw Johnnie wince in pain. He gently grabbed his arm again, this time more careful.

"Did I hurt you?"
He asked.

Johnnie lied, "No, it's okay" he pulled his arm back, and faked a smile. "Tell me more about your day."

Carrington wasn't convinced at all, he knew something was wrong with his arm. But he didn't want to push him too much, so he let it go for now.

He decided to let him ask questions first and to see if he could find a reason to take a look at his arm.

"The photo shoot was pretty long. And the photographer was being really strict about everything."He chuckled slightly, leaning back on his arms.

"I bet," Johnnie is rubbing his arm as he is looking down at the floor. His eyes still visibly puffy and red, it was obvious he cried earlier.

Carrington reached over and gently tilted his chin up, forcing him to look at him.

"Look at me."
He said in a soft but firm tone. He needed to know why he was so upset.

Why he was rubbing his arm. Why his eyes were so red and puffy. Why he wouldn't tell him what was wrong.

"Wh-what?" Johnnie stammered out, as he looked up at Carrington. Black streaks of makeup from tears being stained from earlier on his face.

Carrington studied his face for a moment, taking in the sight of the black makeup and the way his face was stained with tears. He sighed and gently cupped his cheeks, his thumb gently rubbing the makeup away.*

"You're crying..."
He stated the obvious, looking at him with a look of worry and concern.

"N-No" Johnnie shakes his head, "I'm okay" he replied, "Don't worry about me, babe"

Carrington huffed, his hands moving down to gently grip his shoulders. He gently squeezed them, not tight enough to hurt but enough to keep him in place.

"Bullshit. I can clearly see that you're not okay, baby."'Carrington said, a slight edge to his voice.

He was getting annoyed that Johnnie was trying to lie to him and tell him that he was okay.

Johnnie looked away, "No really i am! My makeup must've smeared when i took a nap earlier today-"

Carrington grabbed his chin again, forcing him to look back at him. He moved closer, their faces only a few inches apart.

"Stop lying to me. I know that you're not okay. Stop pretending and tell me what's wrong."

His tone was stern, but he wasn't mad. He was worried. He just wanted to know why his baby was so upset.

Johnnie teared up at Carrington's words. "No, i- i can't..i can't tell you," he shakes his head in a panic.

Carrington frowned at his reaction. He gently pulled him closer, letting him rest his head against his chest as he wrapped his arms around him. He gently ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to calm him down.

"Shhh, it's okay...you can tell me, baby. I won't get mad at you..."

"Yes you will, yes you will" Johnnie panics as he started to hyperventilate a little, tears blurring his vision. "You're gonna be so mad.."

Carrington gently shushed him, holding him a little tighter. He started to feel his own panic rise when he saw how panicked Johnnie was becoming.

"Baby, please...just breathe. I won't get mad, I promise."He reassured him, his fingers running through his hair and rubbing his back in an attempt to help him calm down.

Johnnie shakes his head and stepped away from Carrington. He began to cry and hiccup shaky sobs. "No.. no, i fucked up, I'm so sorry.."

Carrington let out a quiet gasp when Johnnie pulled away from him. His heart ached as he watched him break down, tears streaming down his face. He immediately reached out to pull him back into his arms.

"Hey, no no no...you didn't do anything wrong. Come here, baby. Come here..."

Johnnie shakes his head as his back hits the wall, he slides down it and hides his face in his knees, crying softly.

Carrington quickly got off the bed and kneeled in front of him, gently grabbing his wrists to try and pull his hands away from his face.

"Baby, please...let me see your face."

He said, desperation in his voice. He needed to see his face. He needed to see if he was hurt. To see if there were any other reasons for his panic attack.

"Ow.." Johnnie winced softly as he tried to resist Carrington's grab. "No.. no..! Please no.."

Carrington's eyes widened when he heard Johnnie wince in pain. His grip on his wrists tightened slightly.

"What? Where does it hurt, baby?"
He asked, trying to pull his hands away again, this time with a bit more force.

"Ow.. fuck..!" Johnnie opened his eyes as they filled with tears. That's when Carrington noticed a bit of blood on Johnnie's right wrist.

Carrington's heart stopped when he saw the blood. He immediately let go of his wrists and gently grabbed his arm, turning it so he could get a better look at the wound. His expression was a mix of shock and worry.

"...Baby..."

He said softly, gently tracing his fingers over the fresh cut.

Johnnie gasped, as more tears rolled down his face. "no.. it's not what it- looks like i- i- swear.."

Carrington looked up at Johnnie with a disbelieving look, his hand still gently holding his arm.

He could feel his heart breaking at the sight of the fresh cut. At the realization of what Johnnie had done.

"Bullshit..."

He mumbled, looking back down at the cut.

Johnnie turned his head away in shame as Carrington lifted his sleeve to reveal the cuts of self harm on Johnnie's wrist and forearm.

Carrington inhaled sharply as he lifted the sleeve up, his eyes widening in horror as he took in the sight of the self harm scars and cuts. His grip on Johnnie's arm tightened slightly, his knuckles turning white.

"Baby...how long have you been doing this...?"

He asked quietly, trying to keep his voice steady.

Johnnie sniffled, "No..no don't be mad at me, I'm sorry-" he started to panic as he tried to pull his arm back. He let out a soft cry when Carrington gripped tighter.

Carrington felt his heart shatter into a million pieces when he heard Johnnie's panicked apologies. He quickly shook his head, his grip loosening on his arm.

"No, no baby...I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad, I promise. Just please, answer my question..."He said, gently rubbing his thumb over one of the scars on his arm.

"Ye-years," Johnnie sniffles, "i- started when i was thirteen-" as tears fell down his cheeks, "then i stopped- then,.. i just been battling for a while and- i- i- just.." he broke down into sobs. ".. i fucked up again.."

Carrington was silent as he listened to Johnnie's confession. The fact that he had been self harming for years, and stopped then just started again broke his heart even more.

He pulled him into his lap, wrapping his arms around him tightly and holding him against his chest.

"Shhh...it's okay, baby...it's okay...you didn't fuck up, I promise you didn't..."
He gently rocked him back and forth, trying to soothe Johnnie.

Johnnie cried more, hiding his face into Carrington's chest. "I'm so sorry," he sobbed, "I don't know why i did it- i just- it happened so fast and-" he broke down into tears.

Carrington gently stroked his hair as he cried, his heart aching at the sight of his baby in so much distress. He held him tighter, rubbing his back and gently shushing him.

"Shhh, shhhh...it's okay, baby...just breathe for me, alright? Take deep breaths...in and out..."He said softly, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Johnnie pulled back and slammed himself accidentally into the wall. He gasped sharply in pain, as he closed his eyes tightly, trying to block out reality.

Carrington flinched as Johnnie slammed himself into the wall, quickly wrapping his arms around him to prevent him from hurting himself again. He held him close to his chest, wincing at the pained gasp that escaped Johnnie's lips.

"Hey, no...don't do that, baby. You're hurting yourself..."He whispered, running a hand through Johnnie's hair in an attempt to comfort him.

"You're mad at me," Johnnie cried out as he looked up at Carrington. "Do-don't be mad at me, I- I'm so sorry.."

Carrington gently cupped Johnnie's face in his hands, wiping away his tears with his thumbs.

"No, I'm not mad at you. I promise I'm not, baby. I could never be mad at you. You didn't do anything wrong, okay?"

He reassured him, his voice firm yet gentle. He needed Johnnie to understand that he wasn't mad at him. That he could never be mad at him for this.

"But i relapsed.." Johnnie sniffled as he looked down at his bleeding arm. He tried to pull down his sleeve to hide it again.

Carrington gently grabbed his wrist, stopping him from pulling his sleeve down. He held his arm up, inspecting the wounds once more. His expression was pained as he looked at them.

"I know you relapsed, baby...and that's not your fault. It's not your fault that you're struggling, okay?"He said, his voice soft yet stern.

Johnnie looked up at Carrington with teary eyes. "Why are you not mad at me, Carrington..?"

Carrington's heart ached at the look in his eyes. He gently caressed his cheek with his thumb, his gaze soft.

"Because I love you. I love you more than anything in the world, and I don't want to see you hurting. Seeing you hurt, seeing you cry...it hurts me more than you can imagine. I'm not mad at you because I understand. I know how hard it is to fight against these urges, and I know how much you're struggling right now."He said softly, his other hand gently rubbing his back.

Johnnie cried as he brushed his quivering lips against Carrington's cheek, "Help me.." he whispered.

Carrington's breath hitched as he felt Johnnie's lips against his cheek. He pulled him closer, holding him tightly against his chest.

"I will, Johnnie...I'll help you. I promise I'll do everything I can to help you get better. I won't let you go through this alone, okay? You have me. You always have me."
He said, gently tilting his chin up so he could look into his eyes.

Johnnie's eyes filled with tears again. "Why, me..?" As he hiccuped a sob. "Aren't i a bother..?"

Carrington's expression softened even more at his question. He gently shushed him, his heart aching at the thought of Johnnie feeling like a bother to him.

"Baby, you're not a bother. You could never be a bother to me. I love you more than anything in the world, and I'll always be here for you. No matter what."He said firmly, gently wiping away the tears that fell down his cheeks.

Johnnie sniffled, "I'm sorry-" He apologized again, his voice shaking. "Fuck, I'm so sorry.." as he hanged his head low.

Carrington gently lifted his chin again, tilting his head up so that he was looking at him.
"Hey, hey...stop apologizing, okay? Stop apologizing for something that's not your fault. I don't want to hear another apology from you. You have nothing to be sorry for, baby."

He said, his tone is firm but gentle. He wanted to make sure that Johnnie understood that.

Johnnie nodded with a sniffle, before he looked away. Avoiding Carrington's gaze as he bit his quivering lip.

Carrington sighed softly, gently tilting his head back so that he was looking at him again. He placed a finger under his chin, holding it firmly so he couldn't look away.

"Look at me, baby...please..."
He said, his voice almost pleading. He needed Johnnie to look at him. To look him in the eyes so that he could see the sincerity in them.

Johnnie looked up with watery eyes. "Wh-what?" His voice shakes as he is looking up at Carrington.

Carrington gently cupped his face in his hands, his thumbs gently stroking his cheeks. He stared into his eyes for a moment, studying the look in them. There was so much pain and sorrow in them, and it hurt him to see.

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay?"He said softly, his tone serious yet gentle.

Johnnie nodded, his blue eyes wide and fearful as he held tears back. He sniffled as he looks up at Carrington with a scared expression.

Carrington noticed the scared expression on Johnnie's face and his heart clenched. He hated seeing him like this. Hated seeing him so scared and vulnerable.

"You are strong, baby. You're so much stronger than you think. You're fighting against an addiction, and that's not easy. But you're doing it. You're trying your best, and I'm so proud of you for that."

He said, his voice firm yet gentle. He needed Johnnie to understand how proud he was of him, even if he didn't believe it himself.

Johnnie sobbed, "But i haven't harmed in such a long time.. and tonight i just ruined it.. i fucked up.."

Carrington's expression softened even more as he heard his sobs. He gently wiped away his tears, his touch gentle and comforting.

"It's okay, baby...one slip up doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're human. You can't expect yourself to be perfect all the time. It's okay to make mistakes. What's important is that you don't give up. That you keep fighting."

He said, gently caressing his cheek with his thumb.

"I'm so tired.." Johnnie laid his head onto Carrington's chest. A few tears dropped and landed on his cuts.

Carrington wrapped his arms around Johnnie, holding him close to his chest. He gently ran his fingers through his hair, soothingly stroking his scalp. He felt a pang in his heart as he saw the tears on his cuts.

"I know, baby...I know you're tired. You've been fighting for so long, and it's exhausting. But I'm here for you. I'll take care of you. I'll help you through this, I promise."
He whispered, gently kissing the top of his head.

Johnnie sniffled as he looked at his arm, staring at the blood and the cuts on his wrist and forearm. His tattoos having blood on them.

Carrington's eyes also flicked down to his arm, looking at the cuts. He felt a pang of guilt in his chest. Guilt for not noticing the signs sooner, for not being there to stop him from doing this to himself.

He gently took his arm, examining the wounds closely. He winced slightly at the sight of the blood, but quickly composed himself. He didn't want to show how much it was affecting him. He had to be strong for Johnnie.

"Let's clean these up." Carrington spoke softly.

Johnnie immediately lifted his head.

Carrington gave him a small, reassuring smile as he saw him lift his head. He gently helped him to his feet, keeping a firm yet gentle grip on his waist to steady him.

"Easy, baby...easy..."
He said, making sure he was balanced before leading him towards the bathroom.

When entering the bathroom, Carrington saw some blood on the floor. And as they walked, the razor fell out of Johnnie's pocket.

Carrington saw the blood on the floor and the razor falling out of Johnnie's pocket. His heart sank at the sight, a mixture of worry and sadness coursing through him. He quickly pushed the worry aside, focusing on taking care of Johnnie.

He carefully guided him to sit on the edge of the bathtub, his eyes never leaving his arm. He grabbed a towel and began gently dabbing at the cuts, trying to stop the bleeding.

Johnnie sniffled, "I'm sorry," he muttered as he looked down at the bathroom tiled floor.

Carrington sighed softly, gently tilting his chin up so that he was looking at him again. He continued to gently clean the cuts, being as careful as possible.

"Baby, please stop apologizing. You don't need to apologize for this. It's not your fault, okay?"

He said, his tone firm yet gentle. He knew that Johnnie was just feeling guilty and blaming himself, but he didn't want him to do that.

Johnnie sniffled but nodded his head slowly. "mhm.." as he watches Carrington closely now.

Carrington