This is the shit show ya'll signed up for.

***

Kunikida: We can't tell you because you're not a member of the club.
Dazai: What club?
Chuuya: The hating Dazai club.
Dazai: ...The fuck? I should be the leader of that club!

***

Tachihara: God, I love Gin.
Akutagawa: Yeah, you fucking better.

***

*the TV is freaking out*
Yasano: Don't worry, you have to treat an electronic like you treat a patient on life support.
*unplugs the TV, then plugs it back in again. nothing changes*
Yasano: Yeah, that didn't work with my grandma either.

***

Higuchi: Here you go, Akutagawa, a nice hot cup of coffee!
Akutagawa: It's cold.
Higuchi: A nice cup of coffee.
Akutagawa: It's horrible!
Higuchi: Cup of coffee.
Akutagawa: I'm not sure if this even IS coffee.
Higuchi: C U P.

***

Ranpo: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm.

***

Kouyou: Please pray for Akutagawa.
Chuuya: What happened to him?
Kouyou: Nothing, he's just very stupid.

***

Kunikida: That's greatly offensive to my people.
Ranpo: College dropouts?

***

Atsushi: Kyoka, is that my mug you're drinking out of?
Kyoka: No, it's mine.

Atsushi: It... looks just like the one I have...
Kyoka: You don't have one like this anymore.

***

Hirotsu: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.
Dazai: Killed without hesitation. (dude, I had to keep this one sorry.)

***

Chuuya: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-
Kuniko: You sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuuya: He's my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

***

Akutagawa: I can't believe all these people are wearing black. black is supposed to be my thing, they're all just posers.
Tachihara: Akutagawa, for the last time, we're at a funeral.

***

Kuniko: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

***

Dazai: Do you want to be the Sun in my life?
Akutagawa: Yes.
Dazai: Good, then stay 92,935,700 miles away from me :)(RIP Aku)

***

Chuuya: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Higuchi: Even better!
Chuuya: What the fuck did you-
Higuchi: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy. (poor woman wants some brownie points)

***

Dazai: Come on Kuniko, do it for our friendship. You can't put a price on that...
Kuniko: Yes I can, dear. Fifty dollars.

***

Kuniko: Shouldn't get stressed out, it's not good for the baby.
Chuuya(worried): What baby?
Kuniko, crying a bit: Me.

***

Aktugawa: *speaking Spanish*
Higuchi: I know, I know.
Tachihara: You speak Spanish?
Higuchi: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Akutagawa speaks.

***

Ranpo: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me.
Kunikida: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR!

***

Dazai: We are not mad. We are just disappointed.
Kunikida: No, we are mad.
Dazai: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
Kunikida: No, we're not!
Dazai: I am not a mind reader, Kunikida!

***

Tachihara: *shoves their hand in the slot of a toaster*
Gin: ...
Tachihara: ...I get confused sometimes.
Gin: Me too.

***

Kunikida: We'll find another route, it's not safe for amateur adventurers.
Dazai: That sounds like a challenge.
Kunikida: I have to stress, that is not a challenge.
Dazai: ...Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted!
Kunikida: There is no challenge!

***

Akutagawa: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED!
Akutagawa: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!
Hirotsu: Akutagawa just threw a tantrum about a chair.
Gin: I just won Akutagawa Tantrum Bingo.

***

Atsushi: "I lost a bet."
Atsushi: The second-most ominous phrase in existence.
Junichiro: What's the first?
Atsushi: "Let's make a bet."

***

Chuuya: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-
Kuniko: Awwww, you're so adorable! Give me a hug~

Chuuya: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-
Kouyou, recording: This is so cute.

***

Kyoka: Hey, Kenji. What kind of flowers do you prefer?
Kenji: I like sunflowers.
Kyoka, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit- (i normally wouldn't leave his in but it was cute so why not)

***

Atsushi: What is wrong with you?
Dazai: Loaded question. Elaborate.

***

Gin, writing in her diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

***

Hirotsu: When Chuuya has daiquiris they get really into how beautiful they are.
Chuuya: Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
Tachihara: Hey Chuuya, you know that's a mirror, right?

***

Kenji: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can't take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth

***

Junichiro: "29-34 Give a particular ecosystem and explain how could it be protected."
Junichiro: Help.
Kuniko: Forests, stop cutting down trees and don't hold gender reveal parties anywhere near them.(They used to be class mates. :D)

***

Kenji: What's your favorite color?
Chuuya: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature.
Kenji: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?
Chuuya: My favorite color is red.

***

Kuniko, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?
Chuuya: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle*
Chuuya:
Chuuya: It's perfume.

***

Ranpo: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!
Kunikida: Hey- what are you doing-?
Ranpo, shoving an oreo into his mouth: I am saving space :D