Dresses.

Frills.

Cooking.

Cleaning.

Babysitting.

How long have a kept up this charade?

I sweep up shop, papa watches me smiling.

I've fooled them, to some aspect. I'm pretending to be complacent as I am.

Mama reads every letter Anso sends me asking me to court him. I still haven't said yes, it's been four damn years that son of a biscuit needs to give up.

Biscuit?

I used to curse like hell now I can't even think properly, geez.

Brainwashing is intense when done by all of society. But mostly the fact I need to hide it from everyone. It kills me to hear Anso go on about his hunting trips or watching the Fencing tournaments. When I go to watch the fencers with him I have to stop myself from shooting correct positioning or better moves that could have been done.

He thinks I have a fragile heart so he doesn't take me to anything more violent.

At least ninety-seven seven times he's tried to initiate a kiss or other form of physical contact. When will he learn I have zero interest in him?

Having to dress fancier than usual and hold a bloody parasol only makes my attitude worse you dip.

Mama braids my hair before bed to make it wavy in the morning. She thinks it suits me. I don't. But that doesn't really matter, I refuse to learn to braid hair so mama does it for me, she hopes she can reconnect with me this way.

I look in the mirror, each time she glances away I make the most aggravated face I can manage trying to unleash my anger in the only way I can.

I haven't worn men's clothes since Gilbert left some time ago. Papa found out about that day and just gave me a disappointed look. He'd been kind enough to take me in and my disobedience towards him upset even me. Since then I've tried to be a daughter to him. But I find myself in the butcher shop every day. Even if all I can do is clean and smile and wave. I thought the shop would be mine, I want to at least help run it.

"Eliza you still smell of blood," mama clucked as she brushed through my hair. "Is it the time of month or just the meat?"

Before it got any more awkward I quickly corrected it was in fact just the meat.

Gretchen is braiding her hair beside me.

She grew up a little girl, complacent with society. She played with dolls and dresses and learning to cook and clean at a young age. She's not even ten. I'm only seventeen, soon to be eighteen.

In this society, I'm already considered old. Too old to still be single. Too old to not have children or have at least tried for them.

"Darling Vhen vill you accept Anso's hand?" She asked me, hope in her voice.

"Never," I shot down.

"Is vhere anyvone at all you'd be happy vith?"

"Happy? No."

Mama frowned and Gretchen started to braid her doll's hair.

I heard papa laughing as he played with Leon in the next room.

We nicknamed him Leo. Leon was the same name of the man who tried to kill me when I found out I was a girl, so the name didn't bring back any good memories. Eventually, in the same way, we started calling me Eliza we started calling him Leo.

Mama calls him her little lion.

Gretchen is called her little Dove.

Gretchen could be a lion is she wanted.

I'd offered to show her things but she refused to take any interest and when mama found out I was in a lot of trouble, to say the least. She thought I was trying to turn Gretchen away from god's word.

God's word also says not to judge but I don't see anyone following that rule.

"The aristocrats are hosting a party..." she began and I already lost interest.

"Mrs. Agnes, she said she'd lend you her fanciest dress and you could attend-"

"No."

"Eliza, hear me out, you'll meet rich men. You could impress vhem, you could marry one of them. You could live in a big house, wealthy and happy as can be-" she dreamed.

"Mama, do you think a rich man and a big house is what will make me happy?" I asked her, face completely serious and she sulked.

"No..."

"Vhats the occasion anyvay?"

"A musician from Austria is playing in the musical hall I heard."

Musician?

My eyes show up from the ground and she noticed my change at the slightest tug of hair from her brushing.

She eyed me curiously and noticing my hopeful eyes she grinned enthusiastically.

"You love music, don't you? Vell you should at least see-"

"I'll go." I agreed.

If there was even the tiniest chance.

God, I know I've been neglectful in my prayers but please let it be Roderick.

But then...Roderick would see me like this.

He's probably a sissy uptight aristocrat like Gilbert predicted. He's probably married and he'll probably think I'm a freak.

If mama knew I knew Roderick she might not let me take that chance. If he recognized me and freaked out we might be run out of town again. But this time I wouldn't let that happen, my family worked hard for where we are now and for where we were before.

"Eliza are ju getting married?" Gretchen asked smiling up at me and I blushed.

"Don't be silly, Gretchen, the only girl in vhis family getting married vill be you."

Mama sighed and finished brushing my hair. She went to papa to make the preparations for the ball.

A ball.

What a weird thing for me to go to. Even if it was mostly just to watch the composers there were still more social and elite interactions than I used to.

I'll probably screw this up somehow.

Morning came and a few women from town met up together to go over the rules and whatnot of the elite and the nobles. How I was supposed to behave tonight.

My dress wasn't fancy compared to what the nobles may have but the girls in town were jealous and when Anso stopped by to say hello and saw me in my dress he tried to court me once again and of course, I said no.

Mama was giving up on her dreams I'd get married.

But I knew I'd have to get married.

I had to support my family who did so much for me, I just didn't want to have to do that by marrying a man and having his kids and living a humdrum life with no real meaning. It wasn't going to be Anso at the very least.

Fuck Anso.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

My face looks unnaturally white and my lips unnaturally red.

How to fuck is this attractive? I wouldn't go near a woman dressed up like this, she'd be mentally insane? God, I look insane.

The carriage papa requested just for me, his precious daughter mingling with men f the elite, overjoyed him.

He wanted me to be happy and he, like most, assumed a rich husband would be all I needed. People have such low expectations for life. Marriage isn't everything like I thought it was, then again I wasn't the one stuck in the boring role.

The carriage ride was bumpy and looked too fancy for this town. I'm not sure how it wasn't looted honestly. The dig path up the mountains to the town of the socially elite was long and there were many opportunities to rob us. So I sat there bored, no distractions. It had been a while since I got to fight so I probably wouldn't be of much use but at least I could've tried.

Lanterns lit the street as stereotypical rich men laughter filled the air as well as needless chatter.

Not even all the nobles had carriages, papa must've spent a fortune. The footman helped me out of the carriage and it greatly reminded me of the time I'd seen Roderick's adoptive mother do so when Gilbert and I were children and exploring the town. What a strange parallel. I even saw younger children watching but they weren't so-called street urchins, nothing here was dirty. The streets looked like marble and the building we gathered in was pure white and sparkling clean.

I wasn't an invited guest so my name wasn't cordially announced beforehand, however as someone in a dress as fancy as mine the announcer asked me for my name and I embarrassedly gave it to him in a whisper, mouth covered by a fan like I was told was proper when speaking. Why is it improper to show my teeth? These people are so weird.

"Elizabetta Héderváry," the man announced and I struggled to keep calm as I stepped gracefully down the steps.

I joined the others and to my dismay, a few men seemed eager to meet me. They no longer seemed like snobs, rather they assumed I was like them and gossiped like children.

Someone I didn't know named Oliver was supposedly cheating on his wife.

Someone named Grunhilde had bad teeth.

Why did I care?

This was so pointless but all I could do was stand there with them, laughing like a lady, nervously trying to look proper surrounded by people of a much higher class. I wonder if they felt the same pressure or if their weird way of speaking and behaving was actually natural.

I thought it was hard being a woman at all but a woman raised in this kind of world must have been miserable.

My eyes scanned the room for anyone I might know and oddly enough a face I barely remembered stuck out to me.

I didn't want him to know it was me, Elijah, so I decided to watch him from a distance. He wore the cloak of a templar knight. My friend Dieter. He'd been so soft and weak in the orphanage, but supposedly the templar knights would even sing so I suppose it made more sense he'd join them rather than the Teutonic Knights. I wonder how Gilbert would feel about that. I don't think they're enemies? Besides Gilbert had nothing to worry about, he'd been knighted at the Austrian palace for his heroic acts and stood by his brother is arms now. His life is together and fine and mine could fall apart right now if I do so much as smile too widely.

I didn't want to excuse myself from the few people I was with. Maybe I could blend in with them for now but I'm sure I'd mess up if I walked away.

Heels are such an ass, how the hell do I balance in these, mama had me practice all morning and occasionally I did so before on weekends but my feet were always left bruised and blistered which as a lady I wasn't allowed to complain about.

I didn't realize how much pain women had to hold in. No one realizes how badass we really are.

That point aside this nonsense was killing me and I hoped it was actually worth it and Roderick would be performing.

Struggling not to stutter I asked the men in the small group, "perchance do you know whom vhis musician is?"

They laughed heartily and I blushed.

"Came here to socialize vhen I see?" One laughed and I looked away from this, trying not to show my annoyance.

"I heard his name is R. Edelstein," I almost choked when I heard that.

I had to calm my breathing to stop my joyful tears.

But now I was just panicked.

How would he react to me looking like this?

To the truth, our intimate bond as children was actually mildly inappropriate?

I excused myself at last to the powder-room.

Such a ridiculous name.

Edelstein.

That was Roderick's last name.

I looked myself over in the mirror and scrunched up my nose at the sight. Good lord mama this is too much makeup, no one dead or alive is this pale except for Gilbert!

As I rushed out of the powder room from the other women I made what must've been a wrong turn because the hallways were long and dark and in my hurry I neglected to see the shadow running towards me before we both fell back.

Paper scattered everywhere and my fan flew towards the wall and my neatly done hair in its ridiculous style came lose and fell into my eyes.

I grumbled, very unladylike but what did I care, this loser should watch where he was going?

I noticed his hand moving around desperately to find something and saw his glasses just by his knees.

"Careful, your glasses are right by your knee!" I quickly warned him and he made a surprised 'ah' as he reached for them.

But neither of us could be more surprised when he looked up.

Silky black hair with a loose strand. The same familiar mole on his cheek. His horrible eyesight....

"Roderick?" I breathed in awe.

Dusting off his clothes he in equal, if not more, surprise asked, "Elijah?"