WARNING: no sex, but there is incest

The waiting is what makes it the worst. The waiting to find out if he will actually show or not.

It's been three years of belated presents sent through the mail. I've invited him back every year, practically begged him to come visit despite mom's deterrence.

I know that him and the rest of the family didn't end on the best note, but I'm his brother, and I've always loved him no matter what. You think he'd at least want to see me once a year. He barely even answers my calls, we never video chats like I want to. It's as if he sees me as being as bad as the rest of the family. What could I have possibly done wrong?

I pace back and forth in the living room and I hear Mom clattering around, making dinner in the next room.

He has to come. After the countless letters, and emails, and texts I sent him, he can't bail this year. Doesn't he miss me at all?

I always tried to be the best brother in the world for him. I did everything he asked, I always tried to brighten his day, and now he just throws me away as if it all meant nothing?

Of course, he never was very receptive of my treatment, always ignoring me, never thanking me. But I had thought that deep down he had loved and cared for me as much as I did him.

So I keep pacing, waiting, hoping that I meant something to him, hoping that I'm worth dealing with our family for. And I keep that hope because I miss him, and if all hope was gone I don't know what I would do.

And finally the door opens. I pause my pacing, eyes widening in excitement until... it's not him.

"Hi, Uncle Joe," I mumble, my head dropping. "You're early."

*

I stop my pacing after that, as relative after relative comes through the door. I couldn't stand there and watch as everyone showed up except him. So I waited in the kitchen, helped mom set the table,- badly, apparently- sat at the table and fiddled with my phone after being banned from trying to help.

Then everyone is seated and we begin eating, fifty conversations get shouted over each other, and I pick at my food and try not to listen to anybody.

Then... then I hear the front door open, just a soft click underneath all the noise. My head snaps up. It can't be. I must be imagining it.

But then he steps through the kitchen door, all conversations stop as the entire family turns to glare at my big brother. Even the kids, who have no idea why they're supposed to hate him.

I'm the only one smiling, the biggest smile that I've ever made. My face feels as if it might split in half if I smiled any bigger.

My brother doesn't say a word as he comes to sit in the open spot beside me, an extra chair that I forced my mother to put out for him.

"You're here," I whisper excitedly as he sits down beside me.

"Pass the potatoes, loser," is the only response I get. I rush to do as my big brother says.

After that, conversation picks up gradually, but you can tell that it's more tense now. But I couldn't care less, because my brother who I haven't seen in three years is next to me. His hair has gotten longer since last time I saw him, he looks older, more grown up. He's 21 now, so he asks me to get him a beer from the fridge. I do without hesitation.

I haven't even touched my food since he showed up, and he notices after he is half way through his second helping of food. "Eat," he mumbles lowly at me, nudging my shoulder lightly. "You're too skinny."

I giggle, but begin to eat quickly, not wanting to take my eyes off my brother for too long.

Once everyone is done eating and the table is cleared, the adults leave to go watch reruns on TV while the kids find some board games to play. I ask my mom if I can be excused to my room. I want to show my brother all the stuff he's missed.

When my mom gives me permission, I get up, practically bouncing out of my shoes with excitement and begin dragging my brother upstairs.

When I get him in my room I go off without any warning, my mouth running a mile a minute. "Do you like it?" I ask, but don't even wait for an answer as I go around showing him all of the things I've changed. "Look at all the new cameras I got," pointing to my vintage camera collection placed on a series of book shelves. "Here's the one you got me last year, and the year before, and the one from the year before that. And here's a picture of us from your graduation, I got it framed after you left. And, look, I got a new comforter. It's grey because I thought blue was a bit childish now that I'm an adult. And the walls, do you like the walls? I really like teal now, it's my new favorite color. Do you like it?"

I finally stop running my mouth to turn to my brother who's still standing in the doorway. "Yeah, kiddo, it's great. I love teal."

"Really?" I ask, walking closer to him. "You're not just saying that?"

"Nah, of course not. I wouldn't lie to you."

That big smile is on my face again as I rush forward into my brother's arms, giving him the tightest hug I can muster. "I missed you so much," I mumble into his chest, which has gotten a bit bulkier than I remember. I also notice his arms are bigger, too, as they come to wrap around me, returning the hug. I pick my head up slightly to tilt it up towards my brother. "Did you miss me too, Steph?"

He picks up his hand to run it through the side of my hair. "Yeah, I did." He pauses getting a strange look in his eyes, before it goes away and he pushes me away gently. "I've got a present for you."

My eyes light up. "Really?" I ask excitedly. "I thought you were the present."

"I'll be your Christmas present, you can think of this as your belated birthday present."

"Okay," I giggle, going to wait on my bed while Steph goes out to his car to grab my present.

He comes back with a small bag in his hand so I grab it and tear it open excitedly. Before the present is completely revealed, I look up at my brother. "This is the first time in three years you've actually been here while I opened your present."

He just nods solemnly and gestures for me to keep going. I give him a sad smile and pull out my gift. I gasp. "Is this what I think it is?!"

Steph nods. "Yep. I know that film is expensive so I thought I would give you some, so you can capture the start of your new adult life."

I stand quickly abandoning the old film Steph bought me on the bed, giving my brother another hug as my arms fly around his neck. "Thanks, Steph," I mumble into his neck.

He rubs my back gently. "You're welcome."

I pull back. "I have an idea." I say grabbing the film for the camera Steph gave me two years ago. "Let's make you and me the first picture I take."

I quickly load the camera and turn it on, this one being run by batteries. I go back over to Steph and stand next to him, putting my arm around his waist. "Here. You take it since you're taller. I don't know if my arms could reach to get you in the picture."

"What button do I press?" he asks as he holds the camera with a weary look on his face. Cameras were always my thing, not his.

"This one," I say, while pointing at it.

"Okay," Steph mumbles unsurely, holding the camera up as if to take a selfie while putting his arm around me.

"Smile," I say, and he does before pressing the little red button.

The camera makes a click and a flash, and then a whirring noise as the instant picture is deposited. I clap excitedly taking the camera from Steph and the picture as it comes out. "Now we wait," I tell him.

*

The waiting doesn't take too long, and me and Steph are lounging on my bed once the picture is ready. "Look how cute we look," I say as I turn the picture towards Steph.

"Hm," he hums with a slight nod of his. I shrug, good enough. "Hey," he says after a minute, after I had already gotten distracted by something else.

"What?" I say, as I look up, smiling at my big brother.

"You're 18 now," he mumbles as his hand reaches out to comb through my hair again.

"Yeah," I mumble in return.

"You can leave mom and dad now," he tells me.

"I don't have any money, Steph. I don't even have a job. Plus I have to go to college. I can't afford it myself."

"Maybe you could... come live with me." Steph looks away as he tacks on the last part.

"Steph, I couldn't do that. You can't afford to take care of both of us."

"I'll help you get a part time job. We can figure it out. Don't you wanna get out of here?"

I shrug and look away shamefully. "Well, sort of," I respond. "But I also kind of want to stay. I know that it will be better if I stay."

"But what about mom and dad?" Steph asks incredulously.

"Steph, mom and dad don't treat me like they treated you." Steph flinches. "And yeah, I know they're terrible sometimes, but they take care of me."

Steph crosses his arms and turns away from me.

I know he's already upset with me, so I know I shouldn't say it, but I still add quietly, "And you ditched me for three years. I need someone who's dependable."

Steph goes quiet for a really long time. He turns until he's facing completely away from me, legs over the edge of the bed. I think he's going to get up and leave, but he doesn't. "I had to leave," he whispers quietly.

I roll my eyes. "I know, I know. Mom and Dad basically kicked you out, but that doesn't excuse the fact that-" he cuts me off with a strong tone, his head turning towards me slightly.

"No, I had to leave." He pauses, facing completely away from me again. "I couldn't take it anymore." He says it so quietly I'm not completely sure I hear it.

"Couldn't take what anymore?" I ask when I realize he did really say it.

"Wanting you," he mumbles.

I tense up, my eyebrows furrow. "What?"

Now, Steph does get up. He begins pacing my bedroom floor, his hands combing through his hair roughly. "I couldn't take being around you all the time. You were constantly around, no matter how much I ignored you or was mean to you, you were always there. You were driving me crazy, and I couldn't take it anymore. Mom and dad noticed. They tried to talk to me. And when mom finally found out the real reason I was acting so strange all the time, she went ballistic. Screaming, threatening to send me to a shrink who would fix me, make me stop thinking what I think. And I didn't want that, I didn't want some quack of a doctor putting me on crazy meds just because I loved... just because I love..."

He trails off, stops pacing and goes to my bedroom window. I get up out of my bed, too, and go to stand behind him. "What are you talking about, Steph?" My voice is small, which is strange for me since I'm always quite outgoing.

Steph turns to me quickly. There are tears in his eyes. The last time I saw Steph cry, I was 8, he 11, our grandfather had just died.

"I'm talking about the fact that I've been in love with you for five years."

I freeze, everything freezes. I don't even breath as I stare at Steph. The only movement is that of the single tear that falls down his cheek.

"Y-you're what?" I ask dumbly. Because we both know I heard him.

"I'm in love with you, Seb."

"B-But we're... I'm your... And-"

"Yeah, Seb, I know. Trust me, I know."

"F-five years?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because you'd react like this."

"Steph, I could've helped you. I could've helped you with mom and dad. You should have told me sooner." I take a few steps towards my brother but he backs up until he's basically pressed against my window.

"You were just a kid, Seb. And my feelings, they're not right. You don't need to help me. At this point I'm pretty convinced that there's no help for me."

"What do you mean?"

Steph sighs. "I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in these types of things. But it doesn't matter... nothing works. Even now, while we're having this horrible, uncomfortable conversation, I want you."

I pause, look towards the floor. Stare at the carpet and think as tears fill my eyes. I thought I was the only one...

"If you want me..." I mumble quietly. "Then take me."

There's a long silence, then finally, "Seb... what are you talking about?" I don't answer as I just scuff my foot against the carpet. "Don't you dare just say something like that because you know it will make me happy."

My head snaps up. "What? No. That's not why I said it."

Steph rolls his eyes. "Yeah, right. All you ever did when we were younger was try to make me happy. Even if I was an asshole, you would do whatever I said. You can't do that now, not with this, Seb."

"I- I'm not... I want you, too, Steph."

Steph stares at me for a long time, his tears have dried just as mine begin to fall. "You better not be messing with me, Seb."

"I'm not," I say as I sniffle.

Steph rushes forward in the blink of an eye. His hand goes to the back of my neck and then we're kissing. I push up onto my toes and kiss him back without hesitation.

The kiss is fast, and Steph is pushing his tongue into my mouth before I'm really ready. I've never kissed anyone before, but Steph really seems to know what he's doing.

I moan as I pull him closer with my arms around his neck. Steph pushes me backwards until I'm falling onto the bed, him landing on top of me.

"Steph," I mumble shyly as his lips move from my lips to my neck. "Steph," I mumble again when I get no response.

"Hmm?" he hums, sends vibrations down my neck.

"Steph, I've never done this before."

He freezes and pulls back to look at me, blinking his eyes quickly to clear his vision. "I'm sorry, Seb. I shouldn't have moved so fast."

"It's okay," I mumble with a blush.

Steph rolls off of me to lay on the bed beside me. "Maybe we should stop now anyway. Our whole family is downstairs, after all."

"Yeah," I mumble in response. I turn my head toward my brother. "Steph?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe after I graduate, we can talk about me moving in with you..."

Steph turns his head now, his expression shocked. "That'd be great, Seb."

"But," I add quickly, "you have to promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"You have to come to my graduation, and you can never blow off Christmas with me ever again."

"No problem. I never wanna be away from you again, Sebby."

"Good."

"Good."