// shoutout to FortheloveofPhans for the cute phan art attached ^_^

so like two people nominated me for thefanfictionawards so thanks! I don't want to ask you to vote cause I feel rude so I'll just subtly hint at it *winks* //

dan

Dan seems to be overcome with emotion.

He feels his chest tighten, his heart both speed up and freeze over at the same time. His body doesn't know what it's doing, his mind doesn't know what to think. He then realised something:

He. Can't. Breathe.

Dan sinks to the floor, gasping for air. He feels a hand on his arm, and looks up to see Phil knelt in front of him.

"Just breathe Dan," he says softly, grabbing Dan's face in hands and putting his own face in front of his, "look into my eyes. Then just breathe."

Dan focuses on Phil's eyes. The warm, oceanic irises with a sprinkle of gold inside them. The eyes, the only eyes he knows, the eyes he thought he'd never see again...

Dan starts taking deep breaths, just focusing on his eyes, taking in every small detail in case they try to leave him again - in case this is all a dream.

"But - I- I don't understand..." Dan stammers once he's over his mild panic attack, "you can't be here."

"Well, I am here," Phil says softly, "I'm so sorry Dan. But I'm here now."

Phil reaches out and places his hand on Dan's arm. His skin is warm - not the cold feeling of death. Dan jerks his arm away, standing up.

"That's not enough Phil. You're here now - God knows what the fuck is going on anyway - but if you're here now then where the fuck were you two weeks ago?" Dan asks angrily.

"You know, I think I'll leave you two to have a little chat..." Connor stammers, backing out of the room and bolting up the stairs. Dan turns back to face Phil, his arms crossed.

"I-If you thought I was dead Dan, you'd be safe. Shane wouldn't be able to use you against me," Phil says quietly, "I was trying to keep you away from me - away from trouble."

"You know Phil, I'm tired of this - of you trying to 'protect' me. You have to realise Phil, that you can't protect me," Dan says, "and I don't need your protection. All you end up doing is hurting me."

"I-I know Dan, but I just feel that if you got hurt, I don't know if I ever would forgive myself," Phil says.

"You worry too much," Dan says, "do you know what you put me through? Every time you leave me, I feel like shit! You can't keep doing that!"

"I know Dan - I'm sorry-" Phil starts.

"No!" Dan shouts, cutting him off, "I am sick and tired of my emotions being pushed around by you. You made me think you were dead - FOR A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH! There's a certain point Phil where sorry doesn't cut it anymore."

"Dan I-"

"No Phil! I can't do this anymore," Dan says, tears welling in his eyes, "you wanted to be dead to me - so I'll give you your wish."

"No! Dan! I-" Phil starts, but Dan has already walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

Dan stands on the other side of Phil's front door, trying to collect his thoughts. He doesn't know what he wants to do. Part of him wants to just run back inside and hug Phil, part of him wants to hate Phil, and part of him just wants to sink onto the ground and cry because he doesn't know what to feel.

So Dan does the third option, sinking onto the ground and just bursting into tears, unaware that on the other side of the door sits Phil, crying and cursing every decision he's ever made.

***

When the sun starts to dip behind the tips of the houses, Dan finally stands.

Luckily, Phil - or Connor's? - parents haven't come home yet. He forces his stiff legs towards his own house. The street lights have turned on, casting a soft, warm glow onto the ground every few meters or so.

Dan stuffs his hands into his pockets. He's tired of being played by Phil. Phil constantly messes with his mind and emotions, and he's done with that.

One minute, Phil's being rude, the next he's helping Dan, then he's telling Dan he likes him, then he's pushing Dan away, then he's pretending he's dead. If he wants to avoid Dan that much, then Dan will give him his wish.

Phil Lester will be out of his life - only this time, it's Dan's choice not Phil's.

By the time Dan reaches his house, his emotions are truly a mess. He pushes his front door open to find his parents both standing in the kitchen, arguing.

His father has a half empty bottle of what appears to be vodka in his hand and his mother has her work uniform on.

Dan doesn't even bother to try to make out any actual words of English in their yelling, he just marches up and snatches the bottle out of his father's hands.

"I think I'll take this," Dan snarls, "alcohol is for grown ups, which you obviously aren't."

And with that, Dan turns and stomps up the stairs, the bottle still clasped tightly in his hands. He locks himself in his room and sits on his bed. Slowly and hesitantly, he raises the bottle to his lips and feels the familiar pang of heat rush down his throat with the alcohol.

Sip after sip, Dan's head slowly starts to clear, his mind is emptying, his thoughts blurring over - just like faces. He leaves the nearly empty bottle on his bedside table and sinks to the ground in the middle of his bedroom.

He just lies there, still and emotionless. He doesn't move. His blurred, unclear thoughts float around in his mind, but all he can do is focus on how empty he feels.

And with that, Dan passes out on the floor, wishing to never wake up.

***

phil

Phil curses, slamming his fist into his bedroom wall.

He's really fucked up now. Dan will never forgive him, and he doesn't blame Dan. He's been a shit friend. Phil thought he was doing the right thing - but now it turns out he wasn't.

He's just damaged Dan even more. If only that day, the first time he'd pushed Dan away, he'd have just grabbed Dan and kissed him instead of letting his stupid mind reason otherwise.

"Phil..." Connor says, poking his head cautiously through the doorway, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault Connor," Phil sighs, "I did tell you I was going to be out today. And... It was going to happen eventually."

"Yeah, but Dan really does care about you Phil, you can tell," Connor says.

"He told me I'm dead to him Connor," Phil sighs.

"Well, you can't really blame him for that can you?"

"No. I can't. Now could you piss off so I can mentally kick myself some more?" Phil snarls.

"No. I'm not letting you throw everything away," Connor says, "you and Dan still care about each other."

"So? Doesn't mean he'll ever forgive me," Phil says, "I don't blame him. I'd never forgive me either."

"He might. Maybe not straight away Phil, but show him you care," Connor says, "or you can just let him walk out of your life, it's up to you."

"But-"

"You love him, don't you?" Connor asks.

Phil pauses. "I-uh... Yes."

"Well, show him that," Connor says, "stop pushing him away for once and prove to him that you aren't a stupid idiot."

Phil sighs.

"It'd be impossible Connor."

"Nothing's impossible when love is involved."

***

The problem is, Dan is actually keeping his word.

No matter how many times Phil stands at his door knocking, Dan never answers - and his parents aren't there to answer either. Phil remains dead to Dan.

Phil sighs, sitting on Dan's front doorstep. He's really messed up this time. Maybe it is hopeless. Phil looks over and sees a figure across the road, facing the other way, but he knows him.

Shane.

Oh shit, Phil thinks, getting up and racing around the back of Dan's house. He raps his knuckles on Dan's back door. He can see Dan sitting on the lounge, his eyes glued on the television.

"Please Dan, Shane's here!" Phil pleads, "he can't see me! He'll kill me!"

He sees Dan sigh, frowning before he finally walks over and opens the back door a fraction.

"What do you mean he'll kill you?" He asks.

"Shane, he was the one to stab me, please..." Phil stammers.

"Only until Shane has left," Dan says, letting Phil inside, "oh and don't speak to me, or touch anything."

"But-"

Dan has already walked away, resuming his position on the lounge. He's not really watching tv, Phil can tell. Phil sits on the other edge of the couch, sighing deeply.

"I am sorry Dan," Phil says quietly.

Dan ignores him.

"I regret pushing you away, I wish I could take it all back. You changed me Dan," Phil says softly, "you made me human, you gave me something to care about."

Still ignoring him...

"I know pushing you away wasn't right, but I'd never cared about anyone before, I don't know what's right and wrong," Phil says, "for what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"For gods sake Phil! Sorry doesn't cut it!" Dan yells, standing up, "you literally tore me apart. And I'm still putting myself back together."

"Please Dan-"

"No Phil," Dan says quietly, his voice wavering, "please don't make me go through this again."

And Dan looks so broken and upset that Phil just leaves him be. He needs time. But Phil won't stop trying. All he can do is try to be there for Dan, even if he doesn't want him to be.

Because Phil has come to realise that he loves Dan, so he won't let him go that easily.

**********

an// hey hope you enjoyed the chapter! BLURRY FACE WAS RANKED #95 IN FANFIC WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL OMFG THANK YOU GUYS!!!

275 votes and 250 comments for a new chapter!

Thanks so much for all the messages and fan art I've been sent after last chapter. I'll link a new fan art to every chapter! I hope you're enjoying the book. Thanks so much for reading! You guys mean the world to me ^_^