// bit shorter but I wanted to update //

dan

When Dan returns home, the house is empty, and Phil's curtains are drawn across his window.

Dan doesn't even bother to try and talk to him. He needs time to comprehend what happened. After Phil left, it started raining, typical English weather, and he found himself zoned out, his mind just drifting everywhere.

Dan sighs, stepping inside, his footsteps echoing around the empty walls. Dan finds no trace of the disastrous dinner, so he walks up to his room, leaving a trail of water behind.

He finds his pajamas and then heads to the bathroom, peeling his wet clothe off, squeezing them out edits leaving them in the sink and taking a warm shower. He dresses in his clean clothes and then collapses on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

Dan doesn't know what to think. Did Phil even mean anything by that kiss? He just ran away afterwards anyway... Dan huffs in annoyance, that was his first ever kiss, and Phil just took it and ran, mumbling that 'he can't' or some crap.

Dan isn't even sure if he likes Phil in that way. Sure, he likes Phil as a friend, but does he like Phil or just like him?

Dan tries to picture his life without Phil; a sea of blurry faces, no beautiful eyes, no soft lips, no angelic smile, no nerdy talks, no arguments, no anything really. Phil seems to show Dan what it is to actually be a normal human, because to Dan, Phil is the first regular human he's ever seen.

So maybe Dan's world would be dull and sad without Phil, but it takes two to have a relationship, and if Phil isn't in, whether it's friendship or a relationship, Dan doesn't know what he'll do.

Dan groans loudly.

So maybe he does have a tiny crush on Phil Lester, but he doesn't want to make a move, because if that kiss was a mistake to Phil, Dan will end up looking like even more of an idiot.

Friendship or relationship? Either way, Dan is going to leave that choice up to Phil.

Because for him, his mind has already made it's own choice up, for when Dan drifts off to sleep, his dreams are plagued with thoughts of Phil Lester.

***

"How was your night last night?" Pj asks, wearing a green sweater today.

It's easy for Dan to recognize him today due to his colourful choice of clothing. But when people insist on wearing all black - Dan was being a hypocrite here, but oh well - it made it difficult for Dan to tell them apart. The first thing he looks for is clothes, followed by hair, voice, size and skin colour.

They're the features Dan uses instead of faces.

"It was okay," Dan lies, turning his head away from Pj, "it could've been worse."

"Oh, okay," Pj says, "well at least it wasn't horrible."

But it was horrible, and it's tearing Dan apart. However, Dan doesn't especially want many people knowing about his family problems. Dan has too many problems to count, but at the moment, the main one he is concerned about is the one involving Phil Lester, as the guy has just walked in the school gates.

Dan turns and looks at Phil, trying to see if Phil will look his way, and he does, but his blue eyes are dull and he looks straight through Dan as if he is merely invisible - just an empty space. Dan feels a pang of hurt and looks to the ground.

How could he have been so stupid to think anyone would actually like him? Phil was probably just toying with his emotions, and now he's just going to pretend that Dan doesn't even exist. Dan sighs, tying to stomp out all feelings towards a certain boy with blue eyes.

In period three, Dan has the subject he's been dreading; English. He plans to sit in a different seat, rather than the one next to Phil, but after having to run to his locker to retrieve his book, he's late. Dan looks around the room, trying to spot a seat other than the one beside Phil, but alas, there isn't one.

Dan sighs, dumping his books down in his usual seat before flopping down in the seat. He ignores Phil, turning his head to gaze out the window as he vaguely listens to their teacher.

"Hey Dan," Phil says, but Dan keeps his head turned the other way.

If Phil wants to look right through Dan, then he'll do the same right back, or at least, he'll attempt to.

"Not going to talk to me? That's harsh considering yesterday," Phil says quietly but Dan still remains silent.

Dan feels a sudden sharp pain in his shin, where Phil has just kicked him - hard. Dan cringes, pulling his knee up and rubbing his injured leg while shooting a glare at Phil.

"What the fuck was that for?" Dan snaps bitterly.

"You were ignoring me," Phil says simply, as if that's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

"So?"

"It got you to stop didn't it?" Phil asks, raising an eyebrow somewhat mockingly at Dan.

"Well obviously," Dan snaps, but is fighting the tiniest urge to smile at Phil's words, "what do you want Phil?"

"I want to talk to you," Phil says.

"Well not isn't exactly a great time is it?" Dan points out, trying to still be pissed off at Phil, "we're in class."

"Well, after school, wait for me to walk home," Phil says.

"Why should I? You just left," Dan says quietly, looking down at his desk, "you left when I needed you."

"I know, and I'm sorry," Phil says, "please, can we just talk?"

"Fine," Dan says with a sigh, "but you're not forgiven yet."

"I know," Phil says, looking down guiltily, "I don't deserve it anyway."

Dan and Phil don't talk again through the lesson. When the bell rings, Dan stands, gathering up his books and pencil case, shoving them in his bag before slinging it over his shoulders. Dan is abut to leave when a hand grabs his forearm, stopping him.

"Meet me at the gate okay?" Phil asks, looking at him with serious, blue eyes, "I'll be waiting for you."

Dan nods in response, and Phil drops his arm. Dan turns and walks off towards his next class, which is legal studies. When Dan enters the classroom, all the faceless people almost seem suffocating. He misses Phil's face, his eyes, lips, nose, smile. Dan takes a seat towards the back,mis head spinning slightly.

"Hey Dan," a voice says from beside him, and Dan looks to see Pj pulling out the seat next to Dan.

"Hey Pj," Dan says, staring at the curly hair and green sweater instead of the empty face, "how was your last class?"

"Boring as hell!" Pj complains, "business studies makes me want to punch myself in the balls and cry blood."

"Wow, that's a wonderful mental image," Dan says, laughing lightly, "surely it can't be that bad."

"That's highly debatable," Pj says.

Dan laughs and Pj keeps talking, but his thoughts are all focused on what Phil could possibly have to say later in the afternoon.

***

Dan'a hand is shaking with nerves as he makes his way towards the school gates.

He doesn't know why he's so scared. Maybe because he can't bear to loose Phil, or maybe because Phil knows nearly everything about him, and could potentially ruin his life.

"Dan, you actually came," Phil says, half surprised, "let's get going then."

Dan falls into step beside Phil as they head towards their street. Dan remains silent, waiting for Phil to say something, as there's no way he's starting the conversation. Once they're ten minutes away from school, Phil stops suddenly.

"Dan... I-I wanted to apologise for being an asshole. I cared more about my reputation than you, and that's not fair. I'm sorry for leaving you, but I was scared," Phil says, looking at Dan, "I was scared of what you'd say. I just... I've realised that I really like you Dan."

"I know, you told me that," Dan says, frowning with confusion.

"I know, but like, more than a friend," Phil says, looking down at his hands, "I like like you Dan Howell."

"I-I like you too Phil," Dan says with wide eyes and a racing heart, he can't believe this is happening.

"But I'm sorry Dan, I just... We can't be together, I'm not..." Phil stammers, "we can't be friends. I'm sorry but we can't be more than just classmates."

"I don't get it... Why?" Dan asks, frowning, feeling the prick of tears in his eyes.

"It's complicated," Phil whispers, not meeting Dan's eyes.

"It always is," Dan says.

"No, you don't understand Dan, I just-"

"No, you're right, I don't understand," Dan snaps angrily, "I can't believe you Phil Lester."

Dan turns and starts running, his footsteps thumping loudly, but he's holding in his tears. When he reaches his house, it's empty - of course - so Dan just sinks to the floor in the middle of his kitchen and cries his heart out.

Why would Phil do that to him?

***

phil

Phil feels awful.

He's standing in the street, where he let Dan go. Why did he do that? Who admits their love for someone before telling them that they can't even be friends? Well apparently Phil now. Phil wants nothing more than to hold Dan close, but he can't.

Phil is a known bad boy, and of course, part of that label involves drugs and cigarettes, which Phil has to get from somewhere. Things come with a price though, and if Phil was wth Dan, it would only make escaping that world harder.

Phil is going to try to get out of the chain of drugs, but it's difficult. And with Dan, it would only make it more difficult and put him in danger. Phil knows that Dan will hate him now, but he'd rather that than seeing Dan get hurt because of him.

Phil's life was fine for him before Dan came along, filling Phil with emotions, making him a normal human being. Dan has such an effect on Phil, and Phil has come to realise that he does like Dan, because he'd do anything for him;

Even let him go rather than pull him into Phil's world.

*************

an// hey hope you enjoyed! You guys get the goals so fast haha! Thanks so much for reading so far. You're all the best!

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The new chapter won't be up till Monday at the earliest as tomorrow night IM GOING TO SEE ED SHEERAN!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! So yeah.

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