// is it weird that i'm jealous of that elephant? //

phil

Phil misses Dan.

It feels like there's just something missing, like that feeling you get when you just know you've forgotten something.

Phil feels like he's forgotten Dan physically, like he no longer knows what it's like to have Dan beside him. He misses him, so freaking much, he knows he made a mistake.

The truth is, there were people nearby at his university - connections of Shane's. They may have been out for revenge, or potentially harmless, either way, he could feel them watching him. They knew who he was.

If they were monitoring him, they could've seen him call Dan, and used hi against Phil again. So he stopped calling, hoping that they'd just leave him alone.

They didn't.

Then, they confronted him when he was walking home. They cornered him, questioned him and threatened him. He lied. They were obviously loyal and close partners of Shane's, if they knew Phil was the reason he was arrested, they would seek revenge.

That's why Phil came back, he transferred to a university back home, away from those guys. Then, when he came to see Dan, he was with that stupid Lyle.

The most painful thing about seeing Dan with Lyle is that Phil can clearly tell that Dan doesn't love Lyle like he loved (or loves?) Phil. He can tell, his eyes aren't as bright, his smile not as wide...

Phil doesn't want to brag, but he loved the way Dan looked at him - like Phil was the most beautiful, wonderful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. Phil also loves to look at Dan when he isn't looking. He likes the way Dan sometimes smiles to himself, the way he bites his lip, or the way that he sometimes just looks like a tired puppy.

That's it, Phil tells himself, he can't wait around any longer. He's not going to wait until he's old and grey and full of regret, he's not going to wait until it's too late.

He's going to get Dan Howell back, because he loves him, there's simply no other explanation. Phil Lester loves Dan Howell, and he'll scream it to the world until Dan finally listens.

Which is how Phil ends up at Dan's house, his closed fist hovering centimetres from the wooden door, unsure whether he should knock or not.

"Come on Phil," Phil whispers to himself, closing his eyes, "you can do this. You've knocked on doors before, you can knock on this one."

Just as Phil is about to reach forward to knock on the door, a voice interrupts, making him jump in fright and yell out in surprise.

"Nice pep talk there Philadelphia," Dan says, trying to hide the smile on his lips, "I never knew you struggled so much with knocking."

"Dan..." Phil stammers, looking at the boy in pure, utter disbelief.

"Phil?" Dan says back, frowning in confusion at him.

And in response, Phil grabs Dan's shirt and pins him against the front door, smashing his lips against Dan's. Phil feels all the nerves on his skin set alight, making his skin tingle, heart beat quickly and his whole self take flight.

But the moment is soon ruined, when Phil feels two hands roughly grip his shoulders and pull him back, shoving him away from Dan. Phil looks up from the ground, his arm grazed and sore, to see Lyle standing over him.

"Why were you kissing my boyfriend?" He snarls, a glare on his face.

"I thought you two were on a break..." Phil stammers, looking between the two.

"Oh we were," Lyle says with a smug little smirk plastered on his face which makes Phil hate him even more, "hate to break it to you but you were two hours too late."

"T-two hours?" Phil asks weakly, every negative emotion possible curling inside of his gut, working their way towards his heart.

"Yes Phil, two hours," Lyle says smugly.

"A-am I r-really too late Dan?" Phil asks, turning to the boy he loves so much, with tears pooled in his blue eyes.

Dan looks to the floor, his cheeks pink and tears shining in his own eyes. He doesn't look up at Phil again but gives his head a small nod as Lyle puts an arm possessively around Dan.

And with that, Phil feels his world shatter completely, completely shattering around him but he doesn't even care where the pieces land. In his opinion, it isn't even worth trying to put himself back together;

Not without Dan.

***

dan

Saying no to Phil was the hardest thing Dan ever had to do.

After that day, Dan hasn't ever seen Phil again; he's had no relief from his faceless world. He's given up on ever seeing a face again, no matter how much he loved Lyle, he still remained faceless, which told him one thing:

He made a mistake.

He found a miracle in his life, he should've kept it around. But instead, Dan broke his own heart in order to stop them both getting hurt again.

He wishes he could see Phil again, even if it was just for one last time.

It's been one year since he's seen Phil. He's just vanished, but where would he vanish to? Did he move? He could literally (lit-trally) be anywhere. There's so many people in the world, so how would he ever find Phil?

After finishing school, Dan's decided to take a gap year before he starts university. That means he has around nine months left to find Phil.

Dan steps back inside his house with a heavy sigh. He pauses when he hears yelling.

Well it was about due again, Dan thinks tiredly, his parents are still at each other - they never stopped.

"I hate you and everything to do with you!" His mother yells, her words echoing around the walls.

"Me too! I wish I could take everything back with you!" His father retorts.

"Well why don't you?" His mother asks angrily.

Dan has heard enough. He stomps into the kitchen mid argument to see them both with drinks in their hands.

"If you two don't sort it out, I'll fucking sign the divorce papers for you!" Dan yells, looking between them both.

The silence which follows his words is deafening. His parents both just stare at him with their blurred faves, making Dan's stomach twist with anxiety. So he leaves, walking out of his house and slamming the front door behind him.

He feels sick, panicky, he feels like he's suffocating in this world of blurred out faces. It was times like this when all he had to do was picture Phil, or glance at him to feel better, but now he can't. He can't see Phil because he let him slip out of his life and picturing him brings too much pain.

So Dan resorts to his second option; alcohol. He can buy it now, because he's eighteen. (is that the right age in the uk? idk. lol sorry)

Dan sits on a park bench, sipping from a bottle of red wine. He reminds himself of a line from one of Troye's songs;

Sipping life from bottles.

Dan drains the bottle and throws it in the trash. (hey dan)

His world is tilting now, his mind too confused and fogged to think about how much he hates everything. He could call Lyle, but he wouldn't understand. He thinks Lyle is starting to hate him anyway, but he's all Dan has.

He could call Pj, Louise, or Caspar even... But he doesn't want them here. He wants Phil.

Dan pulls out his phone, the alcohol finally making him brave enough to find Phil's contact still in his phone and click call.

It rings out, but Dan waits.

"Hey it's Phil, leave a message after the rawr!"

beeeeeep.

"Sorry, I just- I wanted to hear your voice," Dan whispers into the phone before hanging up.

Dan hugs his knees to his chest, his body shaking with sobs. He's so sick of this - of everything. All he does is mess everything up. Phil loved him, so freaking much, so why did he have to ruin it between them?

Phil went to all ends to try to keep Dan safe, because he loved him. Why couldn't Dan have seen that back then?

He doesn't love Lyle, he simply cannot force himself to love another, that isn't how it works.

Loving Phil just felt so natural. It felt like he was coming home, like being in a familiar room, so familiar you could find your way around in the dark if you had to. Loving Phil was so easy that Dan thought it would feel like that with everyone.

God was he stupid.

He just wants to see Phil, he wants Phil to be here with him. A year ago, he should've chosen Phil. There was never a competition, it was always Phil.

But Phil isn't here with him anymore, because Dan fucked up. Because he was too afraid of getting hurt by Phil again.

Dan would now give anything just to see Phil's eyes again, or his smile...

Because to him, Phil Lester is the most goddamn beautiful thing in the entire world.

***

phil

Phil picks up his phone, staring at the screen.

One missed call.

Phil frowns at the unknown number, unlocking his phone and playing the message left.

"Sorry I just- I wanted to hear your voice," the person says, obviously slightly tipsy, but Phil knows that voice.

Dan. Why is he calling Phil after a freaking year? Phil was finally beginning to move on, just as Dan had done.

Phil frowns. Should he call Dan back? No, not yet, he's still obviously drunk. Maybe he will in the morning, because it's eleven p.m. so he should get some sleep.

So Phil lays in his bed, closing his eyes and letting his consciousness fade away and his mind slip into the peaceful state of sleep.

Phil dreams of Dan.

And when he wakes up, he realises how much he misses him. Even if he can't have him, he needs Dan in his life. Even if they're just friends.

Phil scrambles for his phone, calling Dan back, his heart thudding harder in his chest with every ring of the phone.

And then finally...

"Ph-Phil?"

****************

an// heyo hope you enjoyed the chapter! thanks so much for reading ^_^

600 votes and 567 comments for a new chapter!!

What's going to happen with Danny and Philadelphia? There's not long left now guys :D

Also, I have two quick things to ask you:

1) obviously blurry face is ending and won't have a sequel, so I'm going to start a new book and have heaps of ideas so I was hoping you'd help me choose? There's are the ones I might do - inline comment on your favourite? (They're all phan ones)

•glass minds: basically Dan can see inside minds and Phil can always tell when someone's lying, but can never lie himself.

•mindless: Dan is mentally unstable, obsessed with blood and prone to sudden ranges, and Phil is loopy, prone to laughing at the weirdest times.

•phan one shots: quite self explanatory

•heart of darkness: (remember this one? If not, basically Dan is known for having a heart of darkness, and Phil is curious to find out why.

So yeah, they're my ideas ^_^

also, I already asked this on my other book but who cares, my friend and I were thinking of making a YouTube channel (probably funny videos/vlogs kinda thing) would anyone watch?

longest an every sorry! see you next update ^_^