I caged his frail body. He was no more than a feather about to be blown away by the wind to fulfill the final act of my scheme. His pupils widened, I knew that he smelled it too. Yet his eyes were so peaceful, so calm and warm. I didn't deserve this forgiveness. My heart stung. It dared to break apart and tumble out of my chest.

Then I had to shake it off, and my thoughts became overwhelmingly loud.

Kill him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

And I stabbed him right through his chest.

The potion I infected my dagger with slowed his breath, and his heart and his movements disappeared. A living corpse, I looked at the figure. He was a great actor, that for sure.

If it weren't for the live threatening situation, I would've laughed.

This was ridiculous!

Hilarious even, how easy we could get executed.

When no one watched, I smeered the blood from my thighs on my arms. I'd have to pretend now better than ever that I was a great actor that I could fool everyone. I had to act as though my life depended on it and mold the gambler face into a mask I could never tear off. Not until the end was in sight.

My fingers, bloody as they were, went over his chest as I tugged the false dagger out. I was certain the bag had ripped, oh that worked.

Maybe I wasn't going to die.

Maybe the next daylight wouldn't be our final moment.

"What's the status, dear enforcer?" Kaeya taunted.

I felt my stomach turn, I wanted to throw up, my body told me it couldn't hold in much longer. I didn't comply. Suspicions could be raised if I did. My plans wouldn't be foiled by my body reactions.

"He's dead," I confirmed, trying to choke down a telling shaky breath. The hyperventilation I felt was forced down. I tried to meet Kaeya's gaze without much hesitation.

That day, I prayed to every heavenly entity that it would work out.

—*—

My eyelids blinked a few times before I realized that it was a bad dream.

No, not a nightmare. It was reality. A memory that had replayed over 10 times in my mind.

The repetitiveness made me sick. I threw up before, my stomach would churn, and I'd stagger back, but not today. It differed from the other times.

As I tried to sit up, I felt the touch of someone else around my waist. Their face rested in my neck.

Someone beside me grumbled,
"Mhm, 5 more minutes," he whispered against my skin. His breath was warm and sent shivers down my spine. I shrieked.

I recognized the midnight hair, those emerald eyes, and those sweet tasting lips.

"Stop scaring me like that!" I heaved a sigh, and the smile that rested for a trivial moment on my lips faltered.

He nudged me as if to say that I was going to be okay. It would be, eventually, and even if it didn't, he'd be there to take every step.

Every single one.

No matter if I'd take turns and steal opportunities until I'd grow old, wrinkled, and grey, he'd be there. To finish what we had begun, he interlaced our fingers and kissed my hand, "I know you're scared, but don't be afraid to tell me."

His gaze was gentle. It softened when I hesitated. I glanced at them and saw a forest of trees ready to embrace my chaotic state in order for my peace. "I had a nightmare, about you know the day I "killed" you."

His smile faltered. He sat down beside me, "Shhh, it's okay. Bad dreams happen sometimes, and it's okay if you're anxious afterward. that's okay. Do you want to talk about why it was so bad?" he let go of his habit to hold me close.

I leaned against him instead, initiating that I wanted - no, needed his closure. I wasn't the most feeling person, I was quite shitty actually, I was so awful I would've never loathed anyone romantically involved with me who'd drop me once they realised, just how shitty I was, but he didn't.

He had been my light from the moment we met.

I guess, self loathing happens.

Especially when I feel like I deserve none of the good things that happened. It was smooth and nice.

I took a deep breath and inhaled as much as I could before I ran out of air. "I just.. this sensation of hyperventilating and the stinging in my chest. I was so helpless as I looked into your eyes. They were so peaceful and not mad at all-- and I felt like dying in that moment. How do you say that without sounding crazy? All I can remember is that the tears welled up in my eyes as voices in my head screamed that it was my fault if you were dead, but I knew they were lying. They were lying to me, and I wanted to turn them off. " My breath grew heavy, rapid, and I couldn't reign it anymore. The loss of control was everything I didn't stand for. I couldn't stand for it.  I clenched my chests skin and held on it desperately.

"I do know what you mean." he smiled and played with my hair.

"2000 years ago, I was only a whisp in the wind amongst many. I had a friend whom I cherished the most, and then he died in front of my eyes." His voice cracked up beneath the layer of this calculated archon mask. One he left behind in that very moment as he opened up to me.

"My condolences, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that."

He smiled and shook his head, "I still blame myself to this day, but it was a revolution. People die in revolutions. It's normal, which sounds insensitive, but often, in the end, we can't prevent it. No matter how much we desire."

I hummed lowly, "If not even a God can save his dearest friends, all hope diminishes that you can protect those you love."

My shoulders slumped, and he gently squeezed them and wrapped his arm around me. "Just because I failed nearly 2000 years ago doesn't mean you have to as well."

I nod as I adjust my shirt, I look back into his eyes. They're warm as ever, and soon, I find myself so lost in them that I fill him in on everything that happened since he got abducted by Kazuha and Amber.

From the day they told me to kill Venti, like we had planned before, to the betrayal of Lisa that stemmed in some old rooted hatred towards my parents. Then, finally, the false arrest of Albedo, then subject two, who was killed in the midst of Kaeya's unmindful actions. Whom I've  betrayed then too with pleasure. Afterward, I found out that there wasn't  an ounce of guilt I had to feel for the half lie since Kaeya sent someone after me. And when unraveling the corruption by copying old papers I've had from them, they were personally delivered to newsletter in all of Teyvat.

The steambird.

After that, they were arrested, and I and many others were pardoned, simply for the fact that we were groomed into our roles. I somewhat detested the role of a victim, but I guess as long as the same fate wouldn't meet me, I was fine with it.

Self-preservation at its finest, I guess.

I was awful for this.

I didn't understand why he liked me.

Then I exhaled and hummed, "And that's all that happened as you disappeared."

Afterward, we walked over the streets of Monstadt, and a few people congratulated me.

They realised soon that Venti was alive. We didn't care a lot about that, which might lead to complications on another day.

We see Diluc visiting the infirmary after Y/n goes there to go to Sucrose to check up with Venti just in case for his injuries

He looked at Diluc, their gazes met, "she insisted on it."

I didn't resist the chance. I side eye him and nudged his ribs. It was more playful than anything else.

I reach for Venti's hand and interlace my fingers with his as he doesn't reject the touch. He squeezes my hand. Diluc was fine, even if his arms were bandaged, likely from torture.

Something about that sat wrong.

I sighed and looked at him. He'd regenerate soon, likely, right? I lowered my eyes.

The plan shouldn't have been executed like this. It was a horrible idea. I took in the crimson  that dripped through his bandages.

It was my fault.

All my fault.

I wasn't supposed to be this happy. I had no allowance to do so, I shouldn't be.I shouldn't have been there to begin with. I messed up so many lives, and I didn't deserve to live.

As awful as I was, the most atrocious were those who led me down this path. I grew soft, I was supposed to be soft. There was no amount of time that could undo the damage I have suffered from. I almost felt like, I grieved something that never existed.

Something that could have been.

Just another point to add to the list of their crimes.

Not just for Dilucs unjust torture, for every childhood that was taken, every chance for a normal relationship with yourself and others. For the way they royally screwed up our minds to obey without an inch of insolence.

I tried to, stay strong. I had to, like I always did. Or rather tried.

Even then, I failed and tossed the masks off. Now there were many occasions in my childhood, but, in my adulthood, I came as a tangled mess of emotions.

I couldn't decide where to stand, other than a invisible string, chocking me on my words.

"And Kaeya, he is arrested." I tried to smile, despite the obvious inner turmoil, which they had to notice yet. It seems like I still knew how to suppress things.

Dilucs breath hitched in his chest, "Thank you, Y/n." I believe he meant that.

Then, my sweet friend, Sucrose, pushed the door open. A smile came over her. When she turned to me, I didn't realize just how much damage one sentence could cause. "How's your body feeling after getting electrocuted a few weeks ago?"

Not only I stiffened alone. I felt the grasp that Venti had around my hand tighten. I believe he must've been just as much in shock as I was.

Sucrose, just, said it as casual as she could. I believe it wasn't her intention to be malicious.

Venti stares at me, his eyes widening. As though he didn't believe a word she just said. I knew I shouldn't have left that detail out from my explanation.

Well, shit, I guess.

That's when I leave the room, to let out my sorrow, the stress and all pent up emotions.

I hoped that not even the anemo archon would follow me. It wasn't his place to do so, there were things I had to battle alone.

——✧･ﾟ: ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆
RAINEE's NOTE;
the scene where venti died was originally planned to be in the readers' pov, but I thought putting this as a nightmare sequence might explain how the plot twist worked.

Also, technically, this is written like a diary. Therefore, Y/n is basically filling Venti in on everything he missed.

I almost cried while listening to music thinking about what I planned. Oh, to love your works as much as they should be loved to make readers feel something. This also goes to my own book.

And the romantic chemistry, whatever it was felt like it fit finally 😭 even better than in TWB I'm considering to edit TWB to make it even better.

BTW she referred him to the anemo archon for the first time here to distance herself from the idea that she grew to love him.

2k words again!! :D

And bro I'm on a run with those 2k chapters.. 🫡

Goodnight, dear readers I'll sleep now

36/41