"For bright lights and cityscapes
And landslides and masquerades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you" - Sara Bareilles

✩ Six Cityscapes

Few minutes after being awkwardly tangled up, Devlin got off of me and I breathed a sigh relief. Don't get me wrong, I loved him but love doesn't have to be physical. It shouldn't have to be physical. If it is then it can't be called love.

Look at me, trying to decide the definition of love when I didn't know what it was myself.

There was a strange silence and me, being the amusing clown I am. I blurted the most embarrassing I could. "I wasn't thinking about you know what." When I realized what I had said, I felt myself turn into a bright red tomato. I crisscrossed my legs on the soft, white comforters and bit down my lips. "When I was young, I loved chocolate. I still do. It was awesome, purple fairies dancing and all. There was a circus in town. They had the best chocolate coated popcorn. It was delicious. They had horse dressed up as unicorn. I'm not dumb I knew they were horses-"

"Alice," Devlin leaned forward to clasp a hand on my mouth. My eyes widened when I realized how close he was. "We are not going to do anything. I promise. Stop panicking,"

He removed his hand and lifted himself off the bed. I reached out and pulled him back next to me. "I wasn't panicking. I usually ramble when I'm-"

"Nervous. I know. " For a moment, I failed to understand the clipped tone of his voice. Had I offended him? But then he smiled slightly and I felt breaths return to my lungs. "Don't worry. I'm sort of old fashioned when it comes these sort of things. It was my mum's belief. To get married, before you mess each other up,"

I played with his hands, looping our index fingers together. It was amazing how much our hands contrasted. He had long, ebony fingers while mine were childish and stubby. His skin had an almond hue while mine was dark as sand. "Devlin, I want you to know something. There is a reason why I never dated anyone until now. To be honest, the physical part of this relationship scares me. I don't know. I just couldn't imagine sharing my body with someone else. I-I-,"

"Hey," He whispered softly. "It's the soul that matters and you've shared enough to last me a lifetime,"

I buried my head in his shoulder.

"These thing don't matter, okay? Stop worrying about it."

"You say that just to make happy. I know it matters to you. Maybe not right but it will in the future,"

"Oh Alice, Can we please live in the present?"

I lifted my head and stared into his warm eyes. "I don't want to lose you. The world is so bitter, Devlin. It's hard to find good people these days who will listen to you and not use your weakness to put down you,"

"It's a matter of perspective. The glass can be half full or half empty,"

"You can't wash away the darkness with your bright words,"

"I know I can't. In the end, I'll just end up drowning in the attempt to find shore,"

I wasn't used to him giving in so easily. He usually fought with me for few minutes before throwing in the towel and usually I was the one who gave up, not him. "I didn't mean that,"

Something in my expression caused him to end the conversation. He gave me a close lipped smile. I know he didn't want my pity. Pity is not something that can be stopped. People pretend they don't want to be pitied but sometimes all of us could use that extra ounce of love. "Let's cook something. I'm famished,"

He too realized that I was beginning to notice the small chinks in his armor. There were changes in him. It was only a natural response to the loss of a beloved but somehow it felt like more than just that. There were things he was hiding from me.

Devlin, why don't you let me be your knight? What are you afraid of?

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After a dinner of wild berries and vegetable soup, I sat outside on the steps. Desperately trying to call dad on Devlin's cellphone, the network was terrible and I had been sitting here for half an hour. I hadn't told anyone I would be visiting Devlin today.

The night sky and forest looked almost haunted now that I was panicking terribly.

Finally on the eighteenth try, the call finally connected and the monotonous ring-ring echoed.

"Hello Devlin, Is Alice with you?" was the first thing dad said. I blushed scarlet. This was going to be awkward as hell.

I got up to my feet and rushed inside the cabin. Devlin was in the kitchen, trying to light the fireplace. He gave me a peculiar look when he saw me hold out the phone for him to take.

"Please?" I mouthed.

He wiped his charcoaled hands on the kitchen towel and took the phone. "Hey, Mr. Brown. Yah, she's with me." His brown eyes watched me with amusement. I had horrible urge to punch his face multiple times.

"No, just scared to talk to you." I glowered at him. He shrugged his shoulders innocently. This time I didn't control the urge and punched his arm, hard. He winced and glared back at me.

"She's perfectly safe."

For a few minutes, he remained silent. With his eyebrows drawn together, he listened intently to whatever my father had to say.

"So the word got around, huh? Well, it was what she wanted. ....(silence) ... I don't care what people have to say. I'm only concerned about my family...(silence)... I honestly have no clue. He's not like you, sir. You don't know how many times I wished he were.... (silence)...No, you wouldn't have done the same. I know you wouldn't have."

At that moment, Devlin stopped talking and watched me as though he were seeing me for the very first time. "We all make mistakes, sir.... Yes, of course.... More than my life,"

I really wished I could know what they were talking about. It felt as though Devlin was purposely giving vague answers.

"Liza wants to talk to you," It took me a moment to realize that he was talking to me. I took the phone in my hands and pressed it against my ear. Devlin had set back to work. He was trying to fix the fireplace so it'd keep us warm in the night. Mrs. Hutchins had asthma that was why the fireplace had been built in the kitchen.

The more I think of it, the less I think Devlin should be here. Every possession in this cabin belonged to her. He won't ever come out the grief if kept himself surrounded by her memories. Once he does recover, he can always come back. I watched him start up the fire. The orange flames cast a serene glow on him. At least, he's calm and collected for now. I don't know what will happen when do get back.

"Liza? You there?" I spoke into the phone. After a couple of hushed exchanges, I get a reply.

"I'm here, sis."

"You still mad at me?" Devlin rose from the kneeling position and stretched his arms. The grey shirt he wore stretched upwards, revealing his toned stomach. I averted my eyes. Damn, how does one control these stupid thoughts?

"It's not fair. Dad lets you spend the night with a boy."

I rose an eyebrow even though she couldn't see me. "Why? Is there a guy you'd spend the night with?"

I could picture her rolling her eyes. Liza was never the kind of girl who gets shy. It's what it is- that's what she'd always say. "Pfft, yah right. I'm just talking about the unfairity of the situation. Dad, won't even allow me to go to the freshman welcoming with a date," At this point, Devlin was leaning against the wooden kitchen counters, watching me to talk to Liza.

"Dad knows how old fashioned and boring Devlin is." A mischievous smirk twisted his lips upwards.

"Boring, am I now?" He crossed his arms across his chest. "That just adds to the list of insults you've conjured up for me,"

I stuck out my tongue.

After a pause, Liza replied. "He's not boring. After all he's the one who came bloodied and bruised to our house. I find him quite interesting."

"Well, I don't. Anyways, I'll ask dad to let you go to the welcoming with a date."

"Really?" She exclaimed.

"Really,"

"Oh, by the way, Dad wanted me to tell you that it's Devlin's twenty-fourth birthday tomorrow."

I nearly jumped a mile. "Are you serious?"

Devlin frowned. "Is there trouble?"

"You're the only trouble here," I shot back at him. He pouted, a childish pout. "You're breaking my heart, bae."

"What?" Liza sounded confused.

"Nothing. I wasn't talking to you." The connection was beginning to weaken again. "Hey, Liza. The signals are getting bad again."

"Oh-oka" And the phone's line went dead.

Chocolate fudge, I wanted to ask Liza to ask dad how Devlin would like to celebrate his birthday. Apparently, my father knew my boyfriend better than I did. Talk about humiliating.

Devlin wrapped his hand around the phone as I handed it to him. "Your dad is an amazing man. Why are you scared of him?" Well, he ignored me for four years of my life, treated me as an infectious disease. I think those are reasons enough to be scared but I wasn't going to say that to him. No, not because it was a personal, demeaning piece information but because there was an admiral light in his eyes.

I shrugged my shoulders then asked him the same question. "Why are you scared of your father?"

He gave me crooked smile. "Do I need to answer that?" He didn't. Mr. Hutchins was... something unpleasant. A commanding, controlling type of personality. My father on the other side was understanding, pleasant to talk with. He would try to understand your perspective rather than impose his on you. After my mother's death, he had sort of given me a cold shoulder and I never tried mending the broken bridge between us.

Devlin broke my reverie. "You should forgive him,"

"I already have,"

"Then why are you scared?"

"Old habits die hard,"

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note: sorry if I'm boring you with these slow, confusing, short chapters. all want to add is that alice has some body image issues.