Laura sat in the sterile white room, perched on an uncomfortable blue-cushioned chair with her leg bouncing nervously. She'd left school early, everything according to plan. Her classmates knew that she had some kind of appointment, but only her closest friends knew what she was actually here for. This day would change her family forever.
The decor in the waiting room was a bland mix of beige and pale blue, clearly designed to be inoffensive and calming. It wasn't working. The few splashes of colour were drab, and looked like tiny, desperate efforts to fight back against the overwhelming force of white tiles which had colonised the walls, floor, and ceiling. Even a narrow strip of pus-green carpet between the rows of chairs failed to make the room seem any more alive, or more natural. A few other people sat scattered around, engrossed in their phones or old magazines. None of them spoke; they were all here for reasons they weren't interested in sharing. The clock on the wall seemed to move impossibly slowly, and Laura wondered yet again if she would have been able to fit one more class in before leaving school if she'd had a better idea how long all of Daniel's tests and infusions would take.
She couldn't complain, though. She hadn't really been here that long; it just felt like forever. But from what she'd been told in advance, she expected that Daniel would have been in and out of different offices and treatment rooms for the whole morning. While Laura had been struggling to recall whether the sine rule had a plus or a minus in, doctors and nurses would have been sticking needles in Daniel, taking samples, and quizzing him over and over to determine if he was absolutely certain about the lack of recreational drugs in his system. Laura couldn't imagine how much all of these encounters would be ratcheting up her brother's anxiety; and all she could do to help was pray that nobody would insist on postponing the rest of the experiment.
She closed her eyes and locked her hands together, reaching out with her mind for some intangible force that she didn't really understand. Her Dad had once told her that if you speak to God in your mind and you're completely honest about what you want and why, then He might just listen. It was one of the few things Laura even remembered about her father, and a prayer from the heart when she felt it was necessary had become almost automatic now. It was an undirected mental broadcast of intentions, not even formed into words, and she had no idea if her concept of a benevolent deity even matched any of the big churches, but that didn't matter to her. What mattered was the chance, however small, that this would bring Daniel's dream closer to realisation.
Her head jerked up again when she heard a door open, and a second later her brother was right there beside her.
"Hey," he said, clearly trying to display more confidence than he really felt with that artificial smile. "They're just reviewing the final tests. Nothing left now but an answer."
Laura nodded, trying not to let her own nerves show. "How are you feeling?"
"Nervous," Daniel admitted. "Excited too, but mostly nervous. And full of holes, of course. I wonder why they can't take all those samples from one needle."
"Sore?" she asked.
"A little. Just can't believe it's really happening. I've been waiting for this my whole life, and half the time I never thought I'd get here."
They sat in silence for a while longer. It felt like there were so many things still to talk about, but none of them came to mind. Laura asked a question, and got a shaky "Yes" in response. Daniel speculated about something trivial, or apologised for not finishing the week's laundry early, and got a similarly perfunctory response. They were just trying to fill the oppressive silence, but neither sibling could really focus on anything but the next life-changing moment. Twice, they both turned expecting to see the doctor calling Daniel in. But it was just another patient, here for some other procedure.
Finally, Laura broke the silence. "Have you thought about your name yet?" she asked softly. She'd thought that he was leaving it to the last minute, but now it really was his last opportunity to state a preference.
Daniel sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I've been thinking about it non-stop, actually. But... I still don't feel right picking one out myself. It's like... I wish Mum could have picked it for me, you know? And I know now... I'll never have that. But it just doesn't seem right choosing a name myself. And like, how can I pick a name for a girl who's not even born yet?"
"You're the girl, Daniel. It's your name."
"I know, but... in a way I'm still not. I don't know how this will change me. It's not just a new body, my whole life will change, and that's bound to influence me. What if I end up not liking it? What if it doesn't fit me when I find out what kind of girl I'm going to be. No, no..." He raised a hand to interrupt Laura before she could speak again. "I know it's crazy. But it seems kind of premature picking one before she's 'born', you know? I can't do it."
Laura nodded, almost understanding. "That makes sense. It's a big decision. But you'll need to choose."
"How about... I'll leave the legal papers unchanged for now. The forms I have to fill in for this, there's not been anything about choosing a new name. Because it's not like a regular procedure yet. We don't have to choose right away. I mean, you could call me something like 'sis' or 'baby' or something for the first day. And we can talk about it again when I'm back to this priori thing. When I've got some idea how I feel in that body."
"I can do that," she nodded. "Okay, maybe it's easier that way."
"And if you need to call me something. When I'm, you know, when I'm a girl... I can always be 'sis' or whatever. Or just pick one as a placeholder. So it's not me choosing. And then if I like it, we can use that as a suggestion. Or think of something different for next time."
"I'm not your mother, Daniel."
"I know. But you're kind of playing the role, aren't you? The nearest thing I've got to a maternal influence now. You always wanted to have a little sister, right?"
"I..." Laura stammered. "I can try that. I mean, when I imagined having a sister, I'm sure I had some dreams. There might be a name that fits. Hey, how do you feel ab–"
"No, don't tell me," Daniel cut her off again. "Okay, I guess that's a bit weird. But it feels like bad luck, somehow. To have a name before I'm born. You know, when we were born, Dad insisted on not picking names until they saw us?"
Laura bit her lip. She hadn't heard that before, but it fit in perfectly with how she thought about their parents. It made her miss them all over again, that tiny piece of sentimentality. And now, maybe, Daniel had told her the real reason for his indecision over the last few weeks.
"I'll ask you tomorrow, then," she said. "Or later. When you're the girl in question. When you've been born. I hope you're not–"
Her words were cut off before she could finish, as she saw a nurse striding purposefully toward them.
"Daniel?" he said. "We're ready for you now."
Daniel stood up, taking a deep breath. He turned to Laura, his eyes filled with a mix of fear and determination. "Here goes nothing."
Laura watched as Daniel followed the nurse through the door, her heart pounding. In a way, she'd imagined being with him at this point. Helping him to make the last critical decision, whether to go home as a little kid or to leave with a box of pills that would allow him to switch bodies in the morning. She'd imagined standing by to watch as he was strapped into the recoding reactor. In her mind it would be a man-sized tank where he would be carefully restrained, and then a thousand tiny needles would pierce the metal shell to deliver injections to every inch of his body. And she would have been watching, the person who cared most making sure that he wasn't too uncomfortable.
But by the time she conquered her nerves about talking to someone from that company, Daniel was already gone. She slumped back into her chair, suddenly feeling very alone in the sterile waiting room. The clock on the wall seemed to mock her with its slow ticking.
She wasn't sure how much time had passed when she heard a familiar voice.
"Hey, Laura?"
"Ben?" she uttered the name involuntarily in her surprise as she looked up to see a friendly face. "What are you doing here?"
He sat down next to her, placing a small bag on the floor. "You mentioned today was the big day. I thought you might want some company."
Laura felt a rush of warmth at his thoughtfulness. "That's... really sweet of you. But how did you know where to find me?"
Ben shrugged, looking a bit sheepish. "I may have asked around a bit. I hope that's okay. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
Laura nodded, feeling tears prick at her eyes. She hadn't realised how much she needed someone there until that moment. "It's more than okay. Thank you. But... it's kind of weird, too. I've always had someone there to support me. Today should be about Daniel, not me."
"It's his thing, but you need to be okay too," Ben said softly. "You deserve to be supported, especially if your little sister is going to be in your hands soon. So, how's it going? Any news yet?"
Laura shook her head. "They just took Daniel in for the main procedure. I don't even know what he's going through. Now it's just... waiting."
Ben nodded, understanding. "Well, I'm here if you want to talk. Or if you just want to sit in silence. Whatever you need." Right then, his presence felt like all she needed. But she didn't know how to say that, so she sat there and felt just a little more comfortable while she waited for Daniel – or his new girl-form – to emerge.
"I got her a present..." Ben said after a while. "Your sister, I mean. Kind of a birthday gift. So she knows someone else cares." He lifted up the bag he had been carrying, and handed it to Laura. She took it from Ben, feeling a mix of curiosity and gratitude. She peeked inside, a small smile forming on her face as she saw the contents.
"Oh, Ben," she said softly, "that's so thoughtful."
Inside the bag was a small, soft teddy bear with a pink ribbon around its neck. Next to it was a coloring book filled with various cartoon characters and a box of crayons. There was also a packet of stickers featuring princesses and superheroes. She couldn't make out a few other items, in a whole rainbow of pastel-coloured plastic wrap, but there was something about the style that told her they were intended for some kind of little kids. And even though there were traces of blues, greens, and purples there, the bag overall contained more pink than Laura had ever thought she would see in one place.
"We weren't sure what age she'd be," Ben explained, "so I tried to get things that could work for a range of ages. The bear is good for cuddling no matter how old you are, right?"
Laura nodded, feeling touched by Ben's consideration. "It's perfect. She'll love it, I'm sure."
"There's also this," Ben said, reaching into the bag and pulling out a small envelope. "It's a gift card for that toy store in the mall. I figured once you know what she likes, you can get her something more specific."
Laura felt tears welling up in her eyes again, overwhelmed by Ben's kindness. "Ben, I... You didn't need to do that." And she knew that he really didn't, because Daniel had already set aside a budget for toys and miscellany, not sure how many new things he would need.
"I did," he said. "Because from everything I know about your family, she doesn't have a crazy uncle yet. And every child needs someone who can spoil her without obligation, to let her know she is valued. I had to, because I can't let a kid go without surprises."
"I don't know what to say. This is so sweet of you."
Ben shrugged, looking a bit embarrassed. "It's not much." And to Laura, it seemed that he really meant it. He wasn't trying to impress her or something, like a lot of boys would. He was just helping out because he couldn't imagine letting her go through this alone. And knowing that he had her back was even more comforting than the actual presents.
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