Chapter Five

In the morning, Obi Wan had woken Kaden up by gently stroking her hair, and sending her a wave of energy through the force. She murmured in response, grabbing tighter to his body, and curling up closer to him. Though Obi Wan thought her actions were cute, he knew they had to leave immediately if they were to have a successful day constructing her new saber.

"Kaden," he whispered lightly, "Let's go." A weak nod was given as her response, as the black haired jedi yawned, and slowly made her way to her feet.

"Last night was nice," she cooed, thinking back to their moments in the Coruscant bar. "I'm surprised I don't feel like crap."

"I'm surprised you'd think I'd let you reach that point."

"Only if you had a moment of weakness, Kenobi."

"Don't test it," He told her, a light smirk lessening the intensity of his tone, "I mean it."

"I have respect for your wishes, Master Jedi," Kaden told him sarcastically. When concern bubbled in Obi Wan's face, she became serious. "You're my best friend before anything, Obi Wan. I wouldn't try to jeopardize your life."

"You're in the Jedi Order too, Kaden. You shouldn't try to jeopardize your own life, either."

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Ilum was colder than Kaden remembered, the winds biting at the bits of her skin that were still exposed. Even wrapped in a tight Jedi coat, Kaden felt her bones freezing to her muscles, her skin to her fat. As her teeth chattered, the two made their way to a large mountainous cave.

She remembered the cave, but more specifically, she remembered the excitement she had first felt when she had looked upon it for the first time. How her padawan mind was dripping in excitement, her fellow students by her side.

This time, finding a crystal wasn't a mere right of passage, it was a way of survival- just one step towards fitting into the Jedi Order once again. Once more, Kaden would wield a weapon that represented the Jedi lifestyle. Once more, Kaden would submit to the rules of the Code, and stick to them for the rest of her life. Once more, she would be a Jedi... not that she wasn't one, but Kaden sure felt less than that.

As they approached the cave, a song rang in Kaden's head, sent to her through the force. It was inviting, not necessarily a melody, but a feeling of song. It was her new crystal, seeking her from inside the cave that stood before her. She couldn't help but feel a tinge of conflict within her, as she noticed the crystal's sad sound.

"I need to go in alone," she told Obi Wan, who nodded understandingly, and patted her on the shoulder.

"I'll be waiting on the ship," he told her, and walked off into the snow, his robes waving violently in the wind. Kaden took a breath, turning back to the icy mountain. She was alone now.

As she approached the walls of the mountain, no entrance was visible to the eye. This detail, Kaden had already known, and as she approached the towering structure she reached out through the force, focusing hard.

As she focused, the song of her crystal sang louder. Her energy became depleted, draining with each passing second. When she had opened the cave in the past, Kaden had done so with the help of several other padawans at once. Now, it was up to her and her alone.

After some time, a rumble erupted from the ground, shaking Kaden to the core. Fulfillment covered her heart, as she felt it through the force; the cave had begun to open.

Splitting down from it's icy top, two large doors appeared from nowhere, opening slowly with an eerie creek. Though the noise was loud, it didn't mask the sound of the pittering of the crystal. Inside, a hall of ice lay before her with several different distinct paths. Each passage was an icy blue, glowing bright despite the absence of any light source.

Where are you. Kaden reached out with her force signature, keeping her calm as she called out to the sad song of her crystal. I can feel you, why are you sad? As she spoke out to the crystal, Kaden made her way down the right hallway, where her heart told her to follow. Everything felt somber, lonely, and so incredibly certain. It hadn't felt like this when she had gotten her first crystal. Though it worried her, Kaden pushed her thoughts away, trying to focus on the rock.

"You are in conflict," the voice of Yoda boomed from inside the cave, moving through Kaden like wind, straining her ears. She gasped at the surprise. Yoda was not present in the cave; it must have simply been part of her journey in finding the crystal. "You must let go of your doubts, or you will fall, this time for good." This time, the voice spoke as Shaak Ti.

Kaden whirled around from side to side, the voice changing its direction at every moment. "Pledge yourself to the light side of the force, Kaden," the voice of Qui-Gon sounded. "Your crystal will not show unless you denounce your past, your present. You must confess to it, and denounce them." Master Khalifa's voice passed through her. Her old master. The moment tugged at her heart. "Once you have confessed, your crystal will present itself to you." Obi Wan's voice moved through her, and then disappeared, leaving her with silence.

In less than a second, the cave turned to black. Kaden could not see two inches in front of her face, and she became frightened. All sound had depleted, disappeared... even the song of her crystal. She knew what she had to do, but her bones dreaded the notion of confessing all of her crimes in such a sacred place.

Kaden wanted to do anything but face her past.

"I-," she began, choking on her words. "I aided in the separatist movement." Silence and darkness resumed, no response occurring. "I killed republic forces, I slaughtered their families, their friends, their lovers." The words hurt to come out. "I enjoyed it when I did."

It was the truth she didn't want to face, the past she had experienced behind a metal headpiece. Every action, every crime she had committed to the Republic she had done more than willingly, all at her weakness to the power of Count Dooku.

Silence resumed. Darkness resumed. Though she had confessed, the cave made no change to her surroundings. What more did it want?

"I served Count Dooku," she called out, "I was his slave-,"

"These instances you speak of were not your actions," Yoda's voice sounded. It caught her by surprise, then falling to silence once more.

Not her actions? Kaden thought hard, confusion filling her to the core. If the force spirits did not wish for her to confess her crimes committed during slavery, then what did it wish for her to confess?

"I don't understand-," she started, searching her feelings deeply. "I- I was intoxicated last night? I drank quite a bit of Jawa Juice..." The confession felt idiotic the moment the words left her lips, Kaden's cheeks going red.

"Kaden," Obi Wan's voice boomed through the cave, loud and yet still delicate. "You know within you what your transgressions are."

Hearing the voice of Obi Wan, the way it shook her completely, sparked realization inside Kaden. Pale as a ghost, her heart stopped in her chest.

"I don't know what you mean," she said weakly, earning no response. "I never broke the Jedi Code while I was in the order, I-," she trailed off. "I have nothing to confess."

When the darkness of the cave responded to her with only the painful silence, Kaden huffed, trying to steady her shaking hands. She had no choice but to admit to it. Just thinking about him, her heart was beating fast and heavy, tears welling in her eyes at the thought of acknowledging the very thing that kept her from being a true Jedi. As the darkness waited, Kaden prepared herself, filling her lungs, and focusing her mind on the force, trying to rid herself of her nerves.

"I had an... attachment with a Jedi that was stronger than it should be." Her words sounded, and hearing them outloud made her shutter with embarrassment. She felt like a naive little girl, and she knew that her description was less than viable. She needed to try again. "I became passionate, naive, and attached to him."

The cave was silent. Her confession wasn't good enough, wasn't nearly good enough. She felt it through the force, it wanted her to be more specific, more honest with herself.

"I was-," She paused, correcting herself, "I am attached to Obi Wan Kenobi. I gave my life to save him."

Silence.

"I care about him too much."

Silence.

"I-, I love him." Kaden choked on her own words, "I have since I could remember... and I've acted on his love as many times as I can remember. I gave my life to save him... I would do it again, every time."

"If you follow this instinct of yours, you will fall to the dark side, once more." Her old master's voice echoed one last time through the cave.

Instantly, light returned to the cave in a gush, and Kaden gasped as she felt her surroundings return to her. Floating in front of her, a small glowing crystal appeared. She took it in her hand gingerly, taking a deep breath.

Kaden couldn't hurry out of that cave fast enough.