I hadn't seen Adam for a few days now, and if I'm being completely honest, I was missing him quite a bit.

It's unfortunate that I've already relied this heavily upon him for some kind of stability. Technically he is my therapist, so there is some kind of justification for this sudden confidence. However, I still wasn't exactly alright with myself, especially in that way.

I think I am much too afraid of my feelings; not to add the fact that I have no idea what Adam thinks of me(in that way) and I certainly do not know if he is even into boys.

I was supposed to see him today but my mind got the better of myself and now I am standing in front of the drop off.

A sudden quiet fell over the woods, the only noise audible the light whistle of the wind. I stare down at the cake of mud and yellow leaves for a while; definitely knowing that I won't do it, but also well obliged that I so easy could, and no one was around me to tell me otherwise.

I sat on the edge, my feet hanging over the cliff. There was something so thrilling and quite precarious about all of this. I am so alone, yet in a way, I felt another warm and lonely presence.

I turned around to find Adam, staring at me with concern and something else? A longing look, almost..adoration?

"Calvin come here please," he says, his voice a bit shaky.

He opens his arms and walks towards me.

I wait a few more seconds before falling into his arms, "I'm not going to kill myself, at least not now."

He pulls me closer into his chest, "Yeah I know. You could've accidentally fallen though. Gotta be careful."

"I am careful."

He laughed uncomfortably before eventually pushing me out of the embrace.

I stand back, suddenly colder and noticeably emptier, "Oh um, do you think it would be okay if I could know some things about you?"

"Oh yes of course! Anything you want to know I'll tell you," he replies, always so fucking cheerful.

I follow him up into the treehouse, a small part of myself reluctant.

He sits across from me, his chin resting upon his hand and his eyes upon mine, "So, what do you want to know?"

A wave of paranoia rushed into myself, fuck, why did I decide that this would be okay?

"What is your favorite color?" I blurted out, my voice weak.

He grins at me, "Hmm..it's green."

"What kind of green?" I inquire.

He responds without consideration, "Like the forest."

I nod, unsure of exactly what else there was to ask other than the most obvious. If only I had the courage to just ask him  about his sexuality. It most definitely is not as embarrassing as I perceive it to be, this I know; perhaps I am afraid of the answer, or rather, his curiosity as to why I would ask.

Of course he would know, I fucking kissed him.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence Adam shifts himself closer to me, "Anything else?"

I shrug pathetically, avoiding his gaze.

He lets out an exaggerated sigh, "Well, do you want me to tell you some Adam facts?"

That brought a small smile to my lips, "Sure."

"Okay well, you know the basics; I'm twenty, I go to UO, I am now majoring in Sociology, minoring in Psychology. I live with Matt and my mama for now. My dad left us when I was around fourteen," his voice trailed off in such an odd, and for the first time depressing, way.

I exhaled carefully, "I'm sorry."

"What? No it's okay. You don't need to be sorry at all," he says, his eyes remaining on mine, "Anyways, I like to write a lot and study human behavior. It sounds kinda creepy but whatever I like to know what's going on in people's minds."

"Hmm," I hum faintly, desperately trying to conjure up the courage to ask him about his preferences.

However, he continues onwards, "Oh yeah! I also love traveling down to San Diego because that's where I'm from originally. I just love the beach; it's so sunny and open, kinda the opposite of Eugene."

I'd actually come to appreciate the city quite a bit. The pewter grey surrounding the green and red and yellow was the only thing stopping me from letting myself go entirely. Without any kind of control what am I? An open sea? Vast and never ending? The hot, flat gold of the beach blistering my feet. Oh, and how could I forget that everyone is fucking shirtless all of the time. The superficiality of California setting myself back almost ten years in mental stability.

Although for college students such as Adam, powered by ebullience and self determination, San Diego is probably a goddamn vacation away from all of this; all of the depression and mutilation.

"I like the woods," I say, my voice wavering and a bit unsure to disagree.

He rests his hand upon my collarbone to get my attention, my face flushes immediately, "I know, it's because you like how it surrounds you. You can't see anything else but the trees and you feel as though you don't have anywhere else to go rather than where you are right now. You don't have to worry about getting older and paying for things on your own. Or finding someone to settle down with. You don't have to look for anything because you know there's nothing to search for when you're already surrounded."

His brown eyes create a warm sensation inside of my chest, perhaps something I'd never felt before, and it was fucking amazing.

He bites his lower lip, most likely unaware, "Are you going to kiss me again?"

My eyes grew wide as I pushed myself away from him, "Oh no. I'm so sorry no I won't, I'm sorry."

Adam caught my hand, solicitously attempting to keep myself in proximity of him, "Come here."

My face was pulsing from the uncomfortable warmth, "I-I'm sorry."

"Shh, please don't apologize," he whispers, the soft and subtle tone calming myself to some extent, "Is it okay if I kiss you?"

I definitely was not able to respond to such a request; especially coming from Vic. I remained frozen and unheard, my heart beating so quickly and my head completely unaware of anything else. Of all of the death and destruction and depression and self aware anxiety. All the the bullshit was perhaps lifted away whenever I was around him. And what a transfixing thought I am to have if that. Without my death how must I continue to live? Through him? And then what? What happens after he gets bored of me, because I know he will. He'll leave me, realizing that I'm a problem in which does not have an answer. You cannot fix what wants to be broken.

I feel his warm breath on my lips, "I'm going to unless you say no."

I do not respond due to reputable and never-ceasing paranoia.

He is so close to myself.

He lightly grabs the back of my head, and slowly our lips touch; his soft and most obviously taking the lead.

My chest continues to swell, the warm and perhaps exalted feeling beginning to make my deleteriously hysteric self calm in a way. He was doing this to me; his perfect fucking lips on mine.

For the first time in seventeen goddamn years, someone has actually kissed me.

My mind tells my heart that this is of course some kind of anachronism within the general societal structure of this world. No fucking way in hell under any circumstances would this be something other than a joke, or for his benefit, purely out of boredom. Maybe even a lack of hormonal self-control.

Whatever the reason may be, it was definitely not because he had any sort of attraction towards me. Why would anyone want to be with someone who constantly wants to end their own life?

Whilst I am despairing upon my life as usual, Adam sits back on his heels, still in proximity but not quite as close.

He bites his lip, catching his uneasy breath, "Oh no, should I not have done that?"

My eyes grow wide, "What?"

"This is unprofessional isn't it? I'm kinda your therapist and also you're still in high school," he adds, a bit distressed.

"I'm sorry," I reply.

I climb down the wooden ladder of the tree now quicker than I ever had before. Fuck, this was a rough low that I am most likely not able to handle on my own.

I hear the harsh tearing of the leaves coming from behind myself, "Cal wait! I want to talk to you about this! Please? I really like you and I want to talk about this!"

I stop entirely.

I really like you.

Someone likes me? Impossible, how could they? How could they even in the slightest be fond of me? Of all of this self defilement and daily fatal condemnation. A never ending vicious cycle.

However it was not just anyone who "likes me", no. It is Adam fucking Olivas, someone who I in fact had come to be very fond of as well.

What the fuck is even happening?