I run out of the living room, ignoring Ollie's and my father's calls. I go into Lucy's room and retrieve my phone from the bedside table. I race back down the stairs and fly past Ollie who tries to grab me. I open the front door and step out into the cold of this last Thursday of November.

I pray for the biting cold to numb me, to get rid of my emotions, to extinguish this sudden fire in me. I feel like I'm burning up, like I am about to combust and it's most definitely not a good sensation. I want to swim in an ice bath or be at the bottom of a frozen lake. Anything to make numb me right now. I'd take anything.

I look down at the phone in my hands, looking at the black and unlit screen. I unlock it with rigid fingers, having to type the password three times and I curse in annoyance, in frustration, in rage. At myself, at him, at the whole world. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate the world.

Absently, I dial a number but I know I'm calling the right person. I hold the phone up to my ears, listening as it rings. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times.

"Hello?"

"Tell me you didn't know," I bite out and I'm not sure whether my voice comes out frigid because of the cold or because I am that angry.

"What?" Ellie asks again.

"Tell me," I spit again, "you didn't know Yann was going back." I almost say, tell me you didn't know Yann was the lost Badred son but I figure she already knew that. I recall Will asking me if I knew who his family was and I guess that's what he meant that day.

All those little details that got swept under the rug, discarded, forgotten and yet, they made up the story. It now makes sense why she got so worked up the last time we were watching the Badred interview, how she was so quick to defend their son, to defend Yann.

Ellie is silent on the other side of the phone so I take it as a yes. "Thank you so much for not telling me, Ellie."

"How did you know?" She asks, voice small and regretful but I could care less about her regret right now.

"It's on TV." I say then laugh bitterly. "I had to learn about it on fucking TV." I am so mad, so pissed, but mostly, so hurt. So badly hurt.

"I wanted to tell you," she says and I can tell she's about to cry.

"Oh, really? You did?" I snap.

"He told me not to tell you. He said –"

"You've been talking with him all this time, talking with him for the past three months." I start saying then I lose it. "You saw me cry myself to sleep at night, you held me as I cried, you saw how much it hurt me and all this fucking time, you were talking to him. How could you?" I scream into the phone, "How could you do this to me?"

I hear her sob into the phone but my heart doesn't break at her sorrow. It feels like it's made of steel in this moment and that nothing will break it, nothing will pierce through it and get me to feel something else than pure wrath.

"He only got in touch two months ago."

"Still," I scream at her. "You said absolutely nothing. You let me hurt for so long and you –"

"I wanted to tell you," she yells at me all of the sudden. "I told him that you were hurt, told him you were missing him but he said not to tell you anything." Then she calms down and whispers, "I'm so sorry, Trace. You have to believe me, I wanted to say something."

I believe her. She's my best friend, she wouldn't do anything to hurt me. "I'm sorry," I say. "I'm just so mad," I sigh and lift my head skyward, hoping to keep the tears at bay.

"I'm sorry," she says again.

We're both quiet for a moment. I try to fight back the tears but they fall eventually. Taking a deep breath, I ask, "Did he even ask about me?"

Ellie stays quiet for a while then says, "When I tried telling him about you he wouldn't want to listen. I tried telling him but..." I hear her swallow. "... he just didn't want to hear it."

So, that's a no. No, he didn't ask about me.

And there goes my heart breaking when I thought it was shatterproof. There it goes shattering for the second time today.

"OK," I say because there's nothing else I can really say to that.

He didn't want to hear about me. He didn't care how I was doing, didn't care that I couldn't sleep at night, didn't care that I walk around half-asleep, eyes red and puffy. He just doesn't care.

"Tracy –" Ellie begins to say and I cut her off.

"It's fine," I say, my voice less wobbly than earlier, more determined. I want to say a lot of things like he's an asshole anyways or I can't believe I ever cared but all I say is, "I have a headache, I'll just go to bed."

Before I leave, I promise her I will be alright, promise her that things will be okay from now on. And I don't say it because I think that's what she wants to hear, I say it because I mean it.

I will be better from now on.

I wipe my tears away and start walking back home. As I turn around, I see someone standing in the distance, under a lamppost. He steps out from under the shadows, hands in his pockets.

"Did you follow me here?" I ask Ollie as I approach him.

He shrugs. "Had to make sure you were alright." He takes off his coat even though it leaves him vulnerable to the bitterness of the night. "Plus you left without much to protect you. I wanted to give it to you but you seemed like you were having a pretty intense conversation."

I nod. "Yeah, something like that."

"You were talking to Ellie," he says and it's not a question.

"You could hear my conversation," I reproach.

I hear him chuckle slightly. "I stayed out of earshot when I realized I could hear you," he says. "But then again, you were shouting at some point."

I sigh and we begin walking back home. "Yeah, I was talking to Ellie."

"About Yann?"

I flinch involuntarily at his name, still sore, as if someone is pressing a finger into a fresh wound. "Yeah."

"You want to talk about it?" Ollie asks.

I think of Yann, think of how he's hurt me over the past three months. It's then I take the decision. I decide that it ends today, that I'm done missing him, done wishing he was there, done mourning his absence. I decide to close that chapter of my life, the one that held Yann, the one that held my love for him.

It all ends right now.

"There's nothing left to say."

***

6 MONTHS LATER

"I am so ready to get a few more pounds. I swear the stress of those finals makes me lose weight."

I laugh as Ellie pats her full stomach, a small but visible bump stretching her t-shirt. "I can't believe you ate an entire large pizza by yourself," I say as I drive out of the pizzeria's parking lot.

"Oh, please," she rolls her eyes, "as if you wouldn't do the same if you were hungry."

"That's the point. You weren't even hungry."

Her silence lets me know I'm right and I give her a knowing look. She looks out the window, pouting and absently rubbing her stomach as if she were a pregnant woman.

"You preggo?" I tease, wiggling my eyebrows at her.

"With pizza," she says and rolls her eyes with a laugh.

"How's it going with Will?" I ask after a moment.

She sighs and leans her head against the window. "We're not speaking right now."

I gasp and force myself to keep looking at the road and not at her. "What? Since when?"

"Since last night."

I try not to roll my eyes. "Oh, come on, we both know it's not gonna last."

She sighs again. "I love him, I do but I don't know."

I don't really know what to say. It's been two months now since Ellie and Will admitted their feelings to each other but they aren't in a relationship. Ellie is as afraid as he is about long distance and they haven't figured out how to make it work yet.

"I was thinking of maybe going to NYU or Columbia for my master's."

She shrugs as if it was just a fleeting thought but I know it's not. Ellie has always wanted to live in Massachusetts and if she's considering moving to NY for Will, she must badly want this.

"If it's what you need, then go ahead." I smile an encouraging smile at her and she smiles back.

"But I'm gonna miss you," she whines and pouts at me.

I punch her shoulder. "No, you're not. You're going to be wrapped around Will." I say. "Both figuratively and literally." She blushes at my words. "You've been thinking of it, haven't you?"

She blushes harder and glares at me. "Yes, and? If there's anyone I want to give it to, it's him." She huffs.

I throw my head back in laughter. "Jeez, calm down. I didn't say anything."

She keeps glaring and I keep laughing. I round the corner and drive down my street. As I park the car, I say, "You do know that my mom has made dinner, right? Plus it's my birthday so you know it's extra, extra food."

Ellie looks down at her tummy which is still very visible and tries to hold it back in. "There's space."

I am about to say something but I don't even bother. I'll just make sure to use the bathroom and shower before she hogs it tonight. I climb out of the car and for a moment, I just turn around and look around.

May 16th. My birthday. It's a beautiful day, the birds are chirping, spring is in full swing. The air is warm and chilly at the same time, making me wish my parents had decided on a picnic outdoors instead of a dinner at home.

"Come on, skygazer. There's food in there."

I turn to see her in jerking her thumb behind her towards the house. I shake my head at her greediness and, locking my arms with hers, I walk up the front stairs. I push the door open and step in.

"Happy birthday!"

I jump in surprise at the shouting and my eyes come bulging out of their sockets at the people welcoming me. I put a hand over my chest in shock and look at everyone's smiling face.

"Guys," I finally choke out, "what?" I say because no other word seems to come out.

I see my father laugh and he steps forward to engulf me in his arms. "Happy birthday, T." He kisses the side of my head and pulls away to look into my eyes. "You're my favorite."

"Hey," Lucy calls, "I heard that."

My little sister fakes a pout at our father's words and stomps on his feet. My father pretends to be hurt and go whining to our mother. I take Lucy in my arms and look at everyone.

"This is amazing, guys. Thank you so much!"

When everyone has come to give me a hug and wish me happy birthday, I stay with Ellie, Will and Lucy. I turn to Ellie.

"You knew about this, didn't you?"

She scoffs. "Of course I did. Why do you think I stuffed myself with pizza? Cause I know you greedy people would eat it all," and she rolls her eyes before walking away.

Lucy climbs down and goes after her, undoubtedly in search of pizza. As I'm left with Will, I look at the huge banner in the entryway that says, Happy 20th birthday, Tracy. I smile, thinking of how much effort my parents must have put into this, planning the whole thing, calling everyone and mostly, keeping it a secret from me. I smile even more as I think that Mom was definitely part of it all, how she's been investing herself so much in us lately.

"Happy thoughts?" Will breaks in and I turn to him with a smile.

"Always." Then, I'm reminded of my conversation with Ellie. "So," I start, "Ellie."

Will sighs the way Ellie did when I mentioned Will to her in the car and it makes me smile how much the two of them are so much alike in certain ways.

"She's so difficult sometimes," he says and makes a face.

"Tell me about it, I've been sharing a dorm room with her for two years now."

"Yeah, I keep forgetting about that," he smiles.

"So, why aren't you guys talking?" I ask as we step into the living room where a few members of my family are gathered. I spot my uncles and aunts, and my grandparents who live about half an hour away.

"She's just being dramatic," Will replies. "We're just having a minor disagreement."

"Well, you guys will work it out," I say as we step into the kitchen to find Ellie and Lucy feasting on pizza. "You two were made for each other."

I look at Ellie who's licking her lips and she catches sight of us. Or rather of Will. I see her eyes spark up immediately but she tries to hide it as she grimaces, as if Will was someone she didn't want to see. The liar.

When I look at Will, he is however staring down at me. I'm about to ask him what's wrong when he says, "That someone is out there for you too. Just give him time," he says and walks to the woman he loves.

I find his choice of words completely odd. I'd expect him to say something like be patient but give him time sounds like I already know the person and I simply need to be patient with him. I don't know anyone. I haven't really met anyone in the past few months as I've been diving head first into my books and studying. There's no one in particular who's caught my attention since –

Then I realize what Will means. He's talking about him.

"Tracy," someone calls from behind me and I'm grateful for the distraction. My thoughts were about to drift and that's the last thing I wanted to happen on this day.

I find myself having a conversation with all the guests. I catch up with people I haven't seen in a year or so, watch as Lucy chases our cousins to the backyard, smile as I see Ellie and Will on speaking terms again. But the person I am most content to see is Oliver's date.

"Payton," I say to her and pull her in for a hug.

She seems a little surprised but soon recovers as she pulls me in. "Tracy," she says when we break away, "I've heard so much about you."

"Well, I'm sure you can't have heard more than I have about you."

Spotting Oliver on the other side of the room having a chat with my father, I take Payton away to have a more private conversation with her. Once I am sure we are out of earshot, I start talking.

"Oliver really likes you, Payton." I say, "And God knows I will hunt you down if you hurt him."

Payton doesn't seem fazed at all and simply smiles at me, "I know you will," she says and I'm the one who's fazed.

"You do?"

"Ollie's told me about his childhood," she begins. "About you and how much you mean to me and I have to admit, I was jealous of you at first."

"Of me?" I ask, overtly surprised.

She nods. "The way he talks about you, I thought you meant more to him. Then I realized he loved you as a sister," she says and laughs, as if she now finds her jealousy totally silly – which it is. "I love him," she says, "I'm just trying to make him understand that I'm not going anywhere. As long as he wants me, I'm there."

I breathe more easily now, and I realize that I was apprehensive of what she would say. My heart feels much lighter now that I know that Ollie has someone who isn't going to mess with him, who truly loves him.

"Well, let's just hope he realizes that," I say and take her back to the room full of guests.

When it's time for the birthday cake, Lucy is undoubtedly the first one to arrive. She gazes at the pastry with wide eyes and she licks her lips in anticipation. I'm not even sure she's aware of how she acts around food. After everyone sings, I give her the first slice and she thanks me with a sloppy kiss before disappearing somewhere to go eat in peace. Everyone gets a slice from the homemade chocolate cake and we all fall into conversation soon after.

It's late in the evening when everyone starts leaving. I thank each and every one of them for their presence and when the last person is out, I turn to Ellie who's chasing after Lucy.

"What time is your bus tomorrow?" I ask her.

Ellie is going back to Harlem for the summer, having found an internship in a bigger town nearby. I'd hoped she'd stay in the city but she said that she missed her parents too much last summer and wanted to be with them. Honestly, I suspect it's because Will is going back to Harlem as well and she doesn't want to be away from him longer than necessary.

"Two in the afternoon," she says and yawns. "I'd better go to sleep."

She climbs up the stairs with a goodnight my way. I help my parents clean the house but it's not too much of a mess, thankfully. I thank my parents profusely for the surprise party, and they tell me it was nothing. It was everything.

We pile all the gifts on the couch before going to bed, too exhausted to stay up and watch TV like we usually do.

***

The next day, I find myself hugging Ellie super tight as she prepares to climb on the bus.

"I can't believe I won't have you for summer," she whines as she lets go.

"Well, I must say that Harlem does sound a little more appealing when someone named Will is there as well."

Ellie blushes and says too forcefully, "I told you I was going back because of my parents."

"Uh-huh," I nod unconvincingly. "Whatever you say."

She's the last to climb in and take her seat and we all watch, my parents, Lucy and I, as the bus drives away a few minutes later. Ellie waves at us from her spot in the window before the bus rounds a corner and she's gone.

My phone chimes and I pull it out to see a message from her. Don't miss me too much. I laugh and type back, Glad to be rid of you. She replies with a middle finger and I send her lmao.

Back home that evening, I start laying out my clothes for my internship that begins tomorrow. I wonder whether I should go with a pencil skirt or a pair of pants. I've already chosen a navy blue blouse and a pair of stilettos that match but I can't decide on a skirt or the pants.

I'm about to call my mother when the doorbell rings. I wait for the loud ringing to stop before I start calling my mom, hoping she will hear me if she is all the way in the kitchen. But as I'm about to open my mouth, I hear my father calling me from downstairs.

"Yes?" I yell back, still frowning at my dilemma.

"It's for you."

"Coming," I shout back and throw one last look at the clothes before me.

I climb down the stairs hastily, and start shouting, "Jeez, Ollie, don't you have Payton to annoy? I'm not the most important woman in your life anymore," I joke.

Finally at the bottom of the stairs, I lift my head, expecting Ollie's face.

But it's not him.

•••

So yeah, didn't stay on track as I thought I would... Finals happened... Hope you guys aren't too mad :)

 So, it's not Ollie... Who is it? whozizit? It's almost over. Just a few more chapters to come and it's done guys, I'm kinda sad :( Hopefully, you've enjoyed it so far.

Massive thank you to all the new readers and followers! I love you all ❤️