All I want- Kodaline

Song really had me in my feels today :(
Anyways, as you know I'm on quarintine so I'll probably be updating a lot! I dismissed this last night and updated it this morning, lol.

Hope y'all love this chapter, much love and happy readings! (Music is optional as always)

The tides are tumbling closer

I love you

And one day they're going to break

I love you so much Meredith

Soon we have to start over

I've missed you

When will that time come?

Promise me you'll fight

The mountain will fall

Even when I'm not here

Rivers will run ransom

To help you

The day will start over

To hold you

And I will be gone

Goodbye

I'll see you on the other side...

—————

That was it. One moment we were talking and laughing, reconnecting over all of our lost time. The next she's gone. I'm just a five-year-old girl lying in bed, sick and exhausted once again. It happened too fast. Happened so fast I didn't even know it happened. Until I did. Until I realize she wasn't talking to twenty-six year old Meredith, but to five year old Meredith.

I watched as she said her goodbyes. Her last farewell without even knowing it. Until I was left alone once again to mourn in sadness. No one else was feeling the pain that I was feeling right now. They didn't know what it was like, not being able to move the right side of my body or to think properly and be able to look at a wall without zoning out. They had that privilege. They weren't ready to have major surgery along with losing their mother once again. Sometimes life wasn't fair, I knew that. But no God would do that to a person. A good person especially.

It seemed of all bad things happened to me. I have done nothing wrong on this planet, i've never littered, I've never committed a crime. I picked a profession that saves lives for god sake's! And somehow here I am losing yet another person in my life. But the thing is I've already lost this person so many times. I just keep losing her over and over again with no explanation.

Every time I take a step forward I take two steps back. There were so many people there for me, Mark, Christina, Alex, Izzie, Bailey, George, Arizona, Addison, Stephanie, even Callie or Jo! All these people that were there for me, no matter what. Even the people that I lost along the way like Derek. They were still there for me even if they didn't want to be or I didn't want them to be. Somehow with all that love, all that support. I still feel alone in this battle. I had battled in the past, I'm probably going to battle in the future. But I can't think about that right now, because right now I'm battling the present.

"Meredith?" Amelia said faintly from the doorway. I had quite obviously been crying, it wasn't hard to tell if you just looked at my red puffy eyes with prominent purple bags under them and tear stained cheeks. "I just thought I'd come to get to know the person who's brain I'll be cutting open." Amelia joked while venturing into the room. I didn't answer. Usually in these types of situations with new people, I could reply with a witty response or sarcastic remark. But in these times I don't have the energy to be happy when all I really felt like was a piece of shit.

"I heard about your mother, I'm so sorry." She said sadly, going straight from humor to pity within seconds.

"Don't be." I replied slightly bitterly. I obviously wasn't trying to be bitter, but that's how it seemed.

"Okayyy..." she replied while trailing off. It was a little awkward after that for a couple moments until I spoke out.

"I'm sorry." I groaned while covering my eyes with my fragile hands as tears began to flow freely.
"Sorry for being rude. I- I didn't mean it." I began to sob. All the stress that had been piling up had burst and came out as one spewing line of fire.

"It's okay, I know you didn't. Don't cry." Amelia said sadly while pulling me into a hug. I had just met her and somehow I was still comforted by her presence. Her embrace warmed me from the inside out immediately. It's like she could just do that to a person, make them happier without even trying.

"Thank you." I whispered while pulling away. My head was pounding and added tears were not helpful. My insides were constantly pounding up against my skin, ready to vomit whenever possible. And the crushing sensation hasn't left my head in days. "Do you know when- when my surgery will be?" I questioned hopefully.

"We're not specifically sure yet, we constructed a majority of your surgical plan but it all depends on the pre-op scans. Probably sometime Saturday or Sunday." Amelia explained while rubbing my arm with light comforting circles. It was Wednesday now so I had much more treatment to undergo.

"Can you tell me what you know?" I pleaded slightly. She nodded with a dreamy smile, very similar to Dereks.

"We're planning on making one or two incisions going all the way from the back of your skull down your spine. We will resect all the possible tumor we can, and for the access we are planning to try a clinical trial from Kellogg's chemo pellets on your cerebellum, there is a large jagged piece that we fear could grow into another tumor but we can't resect it completely. After the surgery, we plan on doing multiple more rounds of radiation and chemotherapy but we plan on taking out your immunotherapy hoping it's unnecessary. Tomorrow though, early we are planned to do a large roadshow of Chemo." Amelia went into light depth.

"Okay. That's.. ok I can deal with that." I said quietly, almost to myself rather than her.

"The recovery will be long though, I'm sure you already know this. But it will take a long time to regain some of your common motor functions and the same skills you had before." Amelia said wearily.

"I know." I replied with a slight smile. I don't know why I smiled but I did, maybe just to show Amelia that I was going to be all right.
"T- thanks for talking to me. Visiting I guess. I have a lot of people, yet I still feel so alone." I said sadly.

"I get that feeling." She smiled. I nodded a little and there was a few moments of comfortable silence.

"Derek.. how are him and Addison?" I questioned a little timidly.

"I'm not really sure, they seem to either be soulmates or fighting like cats and dogs there's no in between. Why'd you ask?" She explained.

"Oh just wondering..." I trailed off.

"I know about you and Derek. My whole family does. Nancy sure can't keep her mouth shut. But I'm sure you know that, she's very opinionated." Amelia chuckles. I laugh as well remembering my nasty encounter with her older sister. My laughs become labored though and I gradually begin to cough violently. Usually with these coughing fits it starts and it subsides, but this one wasn't subsiding. It seemed if all airways had been restricted and cut off to my lungs. I gripped my neck tightly as the coughing gradually went up and it became harder to breathe.

Amelia had taken the oxygen mask of the side of the bed and placed it on my face and I eventually felt the cool air flow back into my lungs. Amelia rubbed my back soothingly as I wrote out my last hacking coughs.

"S-sorry." I muttered tiredly. My voice was lost and scratchy.

"Shh it's okay. Preserve your voice." She smiled while continuing to rub softly.

"Y-your much be-tter than D-D.." I couldn't say the word. Certain words with much direct speech for hard for me to say, usually I could get by but from all the coughing and disorganization in my brain I just couldn't.

"Derek?" She laughed a little. I nodded. I tried to close my eyes, resting as the night was nearing closer, the sun just barley visible over the horizon. Amelia probably thought I was asleep, so she stood up preparing to leave. Before she could walk away I gripped her hand tightly.

"T-thank you." I said one last time.

"Of course, I'm always here to talk." She whispered before leaving and turning off the lights on her way out.

I was left in my own comfort. It had been harder and harder to fall asleep every night, with new pains and discomfort arising but my pain tolerance was rising with it, and and every night I would eventually surrender to the exhaustion pulling on my body.

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Mark POV

I haven't been with her that long. I haven't even known her that long. It's been what, 2 weeks since we met? Crazy how it feels like I've know her my whole life. I'm somehow in love with her. Through the short period I've been around her I've fallen in love.

She brings out the best in me. Even when the whole world is telling me to give up, that it's never going to work out. I ignore it. Somehow I finally stuck to my gut. I'm no longer sleeping around the hospital with every nurse I can get my hands on. I want her and only her.

Seeing Meredith like that hurt me though. In a way I've never been hurt before. Sure, I barely had parents growing up, but the Shepherds were my family. Even when I thought I had lost Derek it didn't hurt as much as seeing her in pain. If I could take away any of her pain I would, even if it was just a millimeter, if it could lift any possible weight off her shoulders I would.

She's changed from the sarcastic, opinionated woman I had first met. She is just a shell of the bad ass dirty mistress I had gotten to know. It's not her fault, I know that. But it's still so hard to see her change in such a painful way. It's understandable but if she doesn't make it I don't think I'll survive. She's like the person I've been waiting for my whole life. The one to light up my world, help me view it differently.

Although Derek and I are re-kindling our friendship slowly I believe he would be proud that I've settled down. I'm fairly certain he still loves Meredith, but how could anyone not love her?

Addison doesn't deserve Derek. She doesn't deserve someone who will only be there half the time. And Derek is distant. He isn't there when she needs him to be there. He's trying to change, we all know that. But he just isn't trying hard enough, his mind lingers on past love. He has a hard time letting go.

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Derek POV

I am.

I am still in love with her. It's probably why I was so upset when I saw her with Mark. I don't want to be. I really don't. I want to be there for my wife but Meredith brought a new light to my life when I was broken. But I broke her. She doesn't deserve me. Neither does Addison. I'm a waste in their minds.

They are both amazing women. Talented in their own ways. They deserve people who will choose them time and time again. Which isn't me. I'm going to divorce Addie, make amends with Mark, say goodbye to Meredith, and move back to New York. Where I really belong. With my family in my life long home.

But I can't.

I want to but I can't. I can't leave without knowing Meredith is alive and well. I'll never recover if she dies and I'm not there. To know that I didn't do everything I could as a Neurosurgeon to save her will haunt me.

And for Addison's sake I should at least wait on it. Get past the holidays and hopefully we can mend. We are starting couples therapy next week, hopefully it can help. I don't want to leave her, but I'm just not good enough for her. I have to keep trying though, I can't give up on it quite yet.

Amelia is also on Merediths case with me. She still has a relished anger towards me, a hatred almost. I know I left her when she was at her worst but I didn't really have a choice. I needed to get away from all the chaos in New York, my sisters always complained about the treatment I got as being the 'Golden Boy' but in really I have to become the man of the house when I was only twelve.

I couldn't stay there and longer after finding out that Addison had slept with my best friend, it just happened to be a bad timing in Amelia's relapse when I came to Seattle.

I will admit, I could've tried harder, I could've fought to stay there and fight for my wife sooner. For my sisters sake of course. But I can't go back in the past. Because if I had stayed, none of us would have met Meredith. And she would probably be fighting this battle alone with less than half the people she has now.

—————

Amelia POV

It's hard to see my brother. The last time I saw him we hadn't left on great terms. I was in the middle of a relapse and he abandoned me. He left me when I was broken, way to kick me while I'm down. He was embarrassed of me. And instead of him being there for me, his wife was.

The only reason I am here today is because of Addison.

When I was drowning in agony after I lost Ryan, my Fiancé. And shortly after lost Christopher, my son. I was lost, I believed there was no way I could stay in this planet and survive without them in my life. But after I was beaten into nothing Addison was there to save me.

It was hard for her, I knew it was. But she knows how grateful I am to have her as a member of my life. Of course Charlotte helped me as well. But Addison helped me rather than Derek. Everything I have done after that was spite Derek and my sisters. Including my mother. They all left me. So now I'm forced to fight for myself.

I'm also quite fond of Meredith. I know Derek abandoned her. Lied to her. He did to me as well. We had that in common. We've both lost our fathers, although hers was by choice. If my dad had just up and left because I was sick I wouldn't know what to think. She was a very sweet young woman. I felt horrible for all the pain she has had to encounter throughout her life. And now with this tumor, if she dies a lot of people will want to be dead with her.

I hadn't talked to her that long and I already had a sense to protect her, to comfort her. She was one of those people that everyone liked. The kind of person you know you could talk to when you needed it. I haven't heard of a single attending or intern, even resident at this hospital that doesn't talk fondly of her. Of love her very much, she has a lot of people, and like she said she felt alone, I know that feeling. But it will pass.

She just has to wait it out and fight. Because I'm fairly certain I can be there for her when she wakes up, so even when she's lonely she knows she's not alone.

—————

Addison POV

I'm worried.

I'm worried Derek is gonna to leave me. I agree our marriage isn't perfect, but I want to change that. We are starting couples Therapy and I'm hoping.. no.. praying that he will hold out at least until after the holidays.

It was quite obviously loved Meredith, he even told me he will always love Meredith. But there's a difference between love and in love. I'm hoping that he will allow himself to be in love with me even after the mistakes I've made, and it isn't like he hasn't made mistakes just the same as I have.

But as long as we both make an effort we can work it out. That's what I believed at least.

And for Merediths sake, Derek shouldn't drag it out when she's sick. Her mind is empty, she doesn't need to fill it with Drama, I was elated to see Amelia. Although we had our fights, I helped to pick her up when she couldn't lift herself, she was like a little sister to me. The sister I never had. I had a similar nostalgia with Meredith that made her also seem like my other little sister, she was so guarded, so closed off. But somehow after I had doubted her she still opened up to me.

They were both going to be the sisters I never knew I needed. And hopefully, Amelia and I could help to take away just the smallest amount of Meredith's pain and fill it with joy.

—————

Alex POV

Meredith was like my sister.

When I didn't have a place to stay she allowed me to stay with her. While the other interns felt angst and disapproval towards my beginning rowdiness, Meredith was there for me. She was the first intern I had met at the mixer, and the only one who had talked to me.

Although I had slight jealousy towards her genius I still resolved that in the end she would always be there for me when I needed it. In our few months of being interns together, she was the one who convinced the others that I wasn't that bad of a guy. And she trusted me enough to help her as best I could, even if I didn't know what I was helping her with.

Without her in the house it's been quite depressing. Sometimes we eat a so called 'family' dinner just in her memory, and Cristian has been com in h over more often. The house just has an Eerie feel without her in it. It's empty and broken. Izzie even started praying every night for Meredith, and she definitely wasn't one to pray.

I had tried to get Izzie and George to talk with her, she said she missed them, I saw that Izzie had visited for a while but Geo her e was still hopeless. I guess Cristina and I would just have to settle for being there for her most of the time, but George would come around. If Meredith dies and he never said goodbye he wouldn't be able to forgive himself.

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Cristina POV

Meredith is my Twisted sister.

She is my person.

She is the one I go to when I need closure.

The one I know I can talk to.

She always seems to know what's going on in my head even when I don't know. She knows everything about me, even the stuff I haven't told her. We joke and laugh and consult as she sips her iced tea and I down shots of tequila. She doesn't firmly, we all know that. When she got drunk after we found out if Addison she was quite hilarious. But besides that point she promised never to drink again.

Meredith was sick, everyone knew. Thanksgiving was coming and although it wasn't really my thing, I was helping Izzie construct a plan on getting to spend the Holliday with Meredith. Thanksgiving in fact is tomorrow. And Meredith had surgery soon. So we believe she shouldn't be alone when her surgery is nearing so quickly.

I've been going over to her house more as well, just to reminisce on our past and how I hope we can have a future.

She still makes her witty remarks when she can, but when she can't after hours of treatment and painful exhaustion, I'm the one to make her laugh, or to comfort her when she's sad. When I first found out I cried. And I hugged her. And everyone knows I don't do either of those things. That's how much Meredith Grey, my Twisted Sister, my Person, my Sister... means to me.

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Izzie POV

Meredith is sick. It's not unknown information to anyone. And tomorrow is thanksgiving. I refuse to let her spend that time alone on such a holiday. I'm working on a plan to bring the Thanksgiving to Mer since she can't come to it herself.

I've talked to Richard and he's agreed to allow us to have a thanksgiving buffet with Merediths close ones in their largest conference room. With every food possible, from turkey to pie. Apparently George was going to shoot a Turkey himself but I suggested we buy one from the store, he wouldn't have it though. Everyone was bringing something.

It wasn't usual for them to allow such privileges but if it was for Meredith, Richard would do anything. Most head of departments are comings, and all of our intern group, plus others like Stephanie and Jo, since Meredith had asked. Even residents Bailey's and Torres are coming.

Everyone that loved Meredith in some shape or form was going to be there, and I was sure she was going to be brighten up a little bit more than she was.

Every night at the house it's lonely without her, believe it or joy I've even