And I'd choose you;

in a hundred lifetimes,

in a hundred worlds,

in any version of reality,

I'd find you and

I'd choose you.

~Kiersten White

*****

Tali fussed for the first hour or so, twisting around in her seat and basically being worrisome. 

Fortunately she finally settled down, slumped against Tony's side, Aryeh and Kalev hugged to her chest.

Tony carefully got out his laptop and went poking about aimlessly.

He found himself in the program he and Ziva had used to text and video chat that summer after they quit NCIS.

Their messages were still there, painful reminders of how things used to be. How they used to joke around, how they used to simultaneously pry and keep their own walls up. How they always skirted around their feelings.

He cursed himself for not telling her how he felt.

Maybe then she would've come back to DC with him. Maybe then they could've raised Tali together. Maybe then she would still be alive.

He hated those maybe's. He'd never hated the word more.

He hated himself.

What Ziva thought was best was never what was actually best. He knew it, Gibbs knew it, they all knew it. And yet he still believed her when she said staying in Israel was best.

He scrolled through their messages, not sure what exactly he was looking for.

There.

His eyes skimmed over the last few texts, ones he'd sent and she'd never answered, to the one that read, "Count to a million. I'm on my way."

The only promise he'd managed to keep. All the promises he'd made to her, and that was the one he'd kept.

It was so stupid.

He couldn't keep her safe. He couldn't make her happy. He couldn't keep her alive.

All he did was follow her to Israel, further ruin her life, and then leave her to die.

Of all the promises he could've kept.

But... at the same time... that's how it always went, right? He was always chasing her? Chasing her down to stop her from making a bad choice, chasing her through dark buildings and parking lots, chasing her across countries and oceans, chasing chasing chasing. Chasing, but never catching her when it really counted.

And he'd keep chasing her.

It was so ingrained in him by now, he couldn't imagine living any other way. It was all about the chase.

He couldn't stop.

Maybe she was gone, but that didn't change things really. He was never going to catch her, and now he never would.

***

He didn't get much sleep, between gnawing thoughts about Ziva and graphic nightmares of her last moments.

Tali rose with the sun, sunlight dancing among her wild curls as she stretched and gave Tony a wide grin.

"Sleep well?" he asked her, retrieving the lion from the floor and dusting him off before handing him over.

Her smile only widened as she reached for the stuffed animal. "Aryeh."

He sighed. He'd have to figure out how to teach her some English.

Out of all the possible scenarios he'd envisioned for his life, not one of them involved him having a daughter separated from him by secrets and a language barrier.

After an unsuccessful attempt to feed her, Tony settled on showing her videos on the internet. Age-appropriate videos, mind you. He wasn't that stupid.

Needless to say, it was a relief when they landed in Tel Aviv. He was sick of people watching his and Tali's interactions, sick of being in that cramped cabin, sick of everything. He didn't know where he wanted to be, or what would make him feel better, he just wanted to be somewhere else.

Navigating the airport was more than stressful; he wasn't entirely sure where he was going, and on top of that, he had a suitcase and two bags and Tali.

It was enough to drive any full-grown man to tears.

He was just so tired, and he didn't have the patience or the mental state to deal with Tali's behavior (which he realized was normal toddler behavior, but God, he absolutely couldn't deal with it just then).

They ended up sitting in a random seating area, luggage piled up on the chair to the right of him, Tali perched on the seat to the left of him, and Tony in the middle with his head in his hands and tears in his eyes.

It was too much.

He hadn't asked for any of this.

He hadn't asked to be a dad.

He hadn't asked for his coworker, his partner, his friend, to be ripped from this world.

He hadn't asked to be left with their child, no clue how to handle her.

He hadn't asked for all these nagging questions, the guilty feelings, the overwhelming waves of grief and confusion and anger and grief again.

He just wanted to open his eyes and see Ziva standing there, smiling shyly, one hell of a story ready to fall from her lips.

That was all he wanted.

He opened his eyes and looked up, disappointment filling him.

She wasn't there.

He sighed, bending over again to pick up Kalev. "Ready to go, kiddo?" he asked Tali.

In answer, she slid off the seat and gave him a big grin.

"Okay. Let's go. Let's... let's go find Ima, okay?"

That smile was already a heart-stopper, but she melted him further when she said, "'Kay."

He finally smiled back, and then gathered their things. Suitcase, duffel bag, backpack. Tali.

Tony scooped Tali up and took a deep breath.

Time to continue the chase.

*****

Good? Idk. 

Sorry I've gotten into the habit of updating so late (or at least late my time). I haven't been working on these chapters ahead of time, so by time we get to Tuesday/Friday, I have the entire thing to write. Not to mention I usually have no idea where I'm going next.

Anyway. I hope you're enjoying the story. Personally, it's a bit emotionally taxing. I'm a big fan of happily ever after's, and Tiva is honestly one of the greatest examples of a happily never after. (Which reminds me of a hilarious -though also incredibly heart-breakingly true- post I saw a while back. It said, 'If you ship something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, it was probably Tony and Ziva.' So true, lol.)

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