[ here we go. // song is by jon bellion.

warnings: language. mentions of drugs and addiction.

concept: based on the song. it's a look into the rise to fame, i guess? from lewis' point of view

stay safe,
lew. ]

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Life became dangerous the day we all got famous. It's hard to pinpoint the exact day, but as soon as we got that exposure, questionable people and opportunities began to show up.

That first meeting with our new manager was nerve wracking. I made Logan promise he would keep my past a secret, because I felt like that might make us a liability.

Like, 'oh yeah, the guitarist in that band might go off the rails and snort coke off of a groupie or something'.

That's not the image I wanted.

The manager at least seemed nice. He was happy to see us, greeted us all by name, and didn't comment on it when he saw me clutching on to Logan's shirt.

He didn't even comment on it when I ended up leaning against Logan. I counted that as a major win.

I still don't know if he was expecting me to be making the decisions or not. The band was always Logan's, even though we started it together. Even though it was my words that became our songs, it was always Logan that had the final say with everything. I've never been cut out for leadership, but he was like a natural born leader.

I've realized that no one really cares if you're happy, if you're okay, at least within the industry. As long as you can claim it, fake it for the public, and play your part, that's all they care about.

No one knew how homesick I got during our first tour, save for Logan. I know there were a few nights I cried myself to sleep, and when I woke up, he was there, arm around me, and that itself was comfort enough.

I cry too much. Everyone knows it. Everyone we toured with, everyone who got to know me at all, and everyone who saw me drunk.

This is off topic, but I was never a happy drunk. I tried faking it for the longest time, and came across as an apathetic mess, until I hit a tipping point and started spilling secrets and tears all over the place. I was drunk when I admitted to my mom that I liked guys. I was drunk when I broke up with my girlfriend on the grounds that I still wasn't over one of my exes.

The first time our manager ever saw me cry, he just... backed out of the room and pretended he never saw anything. It was a bit of a shock. I mean, wasn't he supposed to be looking out for us?

He didn't really seem to care that I was crying because I was stressed out and exhausted and homesick. I got myself calmed down, splashed water on my face, and then got ready to go out onstage.

That's another thing. They never care about how far you run yourself into the ground, as long as you keep creating and showing up.

I remember sitting on the couch in a dressing room before a show, notebook in my lap, running over new lines for new songs I'd been writing, and things just didn't have the same spark as they did before.

I ripped out the page, balled it up, and threw it as hard as I could. But before I could just abandon it, Logan had knocked on the door and walked in. I know I had been sitting with my head in my hands, but Logan picked up the ball of paper and sat beside me, pulled me practically into his lap.

We stayed like that for a good while, but as soon as the manager popped his head in, we jolted apart like we'd been shot.

We weren't supposed to get that close, apparently. Logan had Harry, and I had my hopeless crush that ended up being not-so-hopeless.

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[ that wasn't what i had planned but oh well.

let me know what type of thing you'd like to see next!! i might come up with one of those 'pick a random thing off of list a and list b, and i'll write a surprise' things?? idk how else to explain it lmao ]