End of September 1999

The last month and a half has been a whirlwind.  From the day Detective Jones and Dr. Meyers left my house, I've been in nesting mode again.  Obviously it happened when I was pregnant.  I actually think I drove Lindsey bonkers.  It's definitely kicked in again.  Initially I was so afraid to hope, but Dr. Meyers assured me, the ultimate goal is to acclimate Eloise back into our lives.  Lindsey and I have a very unique situation in that we are not together.  There are two homes she needs to adjust too.  Dr. Meyers is giving us steady reports.  Eloise is doing very well in her sessions.  She's smart and intuitive and is starting to understand, albeit at a very basic level, what's actually happening.  Apparently she's a little anxious as well.  Fears about leaving the only home she's ever known.  Part of me feels like I am kidnapping her all over again.  Dr. Meyers has assured me this is a process and by no means are we just going to rip the rug out from under her overnight.    Over the last few weeks, to say Lindsey and I have been soul searching would be an understatement.  Naturally, we've been speaking to each other a lot more than we had.  It's usually over the phone, although a couple of times, he's shown up at my door unannounced.  He doesn't divulge anything.  And I don't ask.  This is the game we've always played.  

We've learned something interesting.  Detective Jones told us Ella's birth certificate is fraudulent.  Margaret Higgins paid to have a false one issued.  Ella Higgins, for all legal purposes doesn't exist.  Eloise's birth certificate is valid, so legally, Ella Higgins is Eloise Buckingham.  Dr. Meyers cautioned Lindsey and I that changing her name could be traumatic to her.   Honestly, it didn't occur to me that I would call her Eloise.  The name she's known for the last six years is Ella.  In one of Lindsey's late night visits, we discussed it and decided while we wouldn't legally change her name to Ella, we would call her Ella.  Eloise would remain her legal name.    

Apparently another source of confusion for her was Kristen.  Dr. Meyers started to broach the topic with her and then decided to wait a bit.  Evidently, Ella's reaction was "I have three mommy's?"    Through it all, Dr. Meyers continues to be a god send assuring us that all of this is completely normal.  This might be normal for her, but nothing in my life over the last six years has been "normal"

If all continues to go as planned, Lindsey and I will meet Ella next week.  Six years after she was born, we are going to meet our daughter for the first time.  Boggles my mind.   Lindsey and I have met and spoken to Ken Higgins as well.  I wanted to hate him.  Wanted to blame him, but the truth is, he's another victim in this too.  I appreciated he tried to empathize with Lindsey and I.  He didn't try to sugar coat what Margaret did.  His goal is the same as all of ours.  Ella and her happiness.  You can tell he loves her very much.  Lindsey and I are currently thinking of ways he can remain part of her life.  Both of us are worried what the long term ramifications could be for Ella if one day, he's just out of her life for good.  Dr. Meyers is helping us through that now.

 As I walk into the kitchen to get a glass of wine, it dawns on me I actually haven't spoken to Lindsey in 2 days.   Since the results of the DNA tests came back, it's unusual we don't speak every day.  One of us always thinks of something.  Usually after we speak to Dr. Meyers.  Sometimes one of us is insecure about something she's said, but more often than not, I feel like we are proud parents getting our daughters report card.  I guess this is what parent teacher meetings feel like?  I take my wine and walk upstairs.  I haven't done anything specifically with Eloise's room.  It's the same pale pink it was when Lindsey painted it all those years ago. I was thinking of asking him to touch it up a bit.   Beyond that, there is a full size bed in there with beautiful delicate bedding on it.  I thought a queen size would be too big for her.   I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.  I want to get to know her too.  I want this to feel like her home.   As I lean up against the door jam thinking of how the next few weeks are going to drastically change for all of us, the phone rings.  My room is closer to I run in there to grab it.  

"Hello."

"Hey Steph, it's me."  He pauses a little and sounds nervous.  " I am sorry I was MIA for a few days.  How are you?"

"Linds, are you okay?"

"Yeah I am fine, crazy couple of days.  Did you speak to Dr. Meyers today?"

"Yes, sounds like Ella had a good day."  I can't help but smile as I say it.  "I was just standing in her room thinking about what I want to do with it.  Actually, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind repainting it.  Touching it up a bit?" 

I hear his smile, "Sure, I can do that.  We will figure something out over the next couple of days."

"Sure, maybe next week. After we meet her?  Ya know, get a sense of her personality a bit.?"

"That's a great idea."  He's hesitating about something, I can tell.  "Next week it is."

"Lindsey, what's wrong?" 

"Nothing, nothing is wrong, but can I come over?"