I woke up with little rememberance of what happened yesterday.
I felt cold and sore, maybe it was just from all the impact that Cody inflicted.
Maybe it was just the weight of the world.
Then it hit me. Shane and Ryland are going to press charges. I sat up really quickly.
A wave of anxiety rushed over me. All the thoughts coming together and clashing- then pain. Headache.
God I hate headaches.
I checked the clock. 1 pm. I can't believe I slept that long.
I opened my cracked phone, the blood is wiped away. I got texts from Ryland.
Ryland: I'm working things out to see if we can file a lawsuit. Don't worry about anything. If you need anything call for Shane. He should be home. Get some rest!
I got up and it felt like the universe slapped me across the face. I was seeing stars where stars don't belong. I got up and went to the shower and changed into a black collared t-shirt with red spots and black skinny jeans.
I headed downstairs stumbling every couple of steps. As much as I hate to admit it- I needed to eat something. I was confronted by Shane almost immediately but his words seemed to echo in the empty space. It took him about three times of repeating for me to finally understand.
"Casper, You okay? You look kinda pale."
I responded, "Food. I need food. I feel like I'm going to pass out."
Shane jokingly says same and I start laughing so hard I started coughing.
"Hey buddy take it easy lets get some food." He replies looking a bit concerned.

This late brunch I had was the biggest meal I had in a couple of days. It was toast and an apple and some banana. It doesn't sound like much but these past few weeks have been stressful and so I haven't really eaten much.
"So, how are you feeling now?" Shane asked.
"I'm okay." I replied avoiding eye contact. I hate talking while I eat. I feel like it draws attention to me.
"Is the food helping you feel better?" He asked
"Yeah, a lot better actually."
"Look, I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I-"
"No I get it. I really do get it. I'm a handful and it's hard to believe me when I have only lied before."
"You aren't that bad, believe it or not."
I just grunted at that statement. I've been pretty awful recently and I hate when people pretend like the awful things are nothing. It always feels better to be aknowledged. Thats the only thing I learned in the adoption centre.
Shane continued, "I don't want you outside unless you are with someone."
At first I felt shock, then I felt defensive. "But-"
"I don't want you getting hurt again."
"I can take care of myself."
"But you shouldn't." There was a pause, then Shane continued. "It's not as bad as you think."
"But I'm okay."
"Look at you, you are all beaten up!" Shane raised his voice. "You came home covered in blood!"
"But thats because YOU told me not to fight back!"
Shane paused. "You barely go out alone anyways. Whats the big problem?"
"Everyone will think I'm a coward. They treated me like a hero when I beat Cody up the first time. After this last time they just think I got unlucky, but if I never show up outside they'd think I'm scared. They'll think that I can't do anything without my friends."
"Being a coward is better than being KILLED, Casper."
I sat for a moment and thought about his words. It wouldn't be bad anyways, he's right I barely go out alone.
Shane continued, "You aren't in trouble or anything. It's not permanent. It's just until we can get the bullying to stop."
I cringed at the word bully. I thought it always made me sound more like a child then I actually am.
"I'm sorry." I replied.
"There is nothing to be sorry about. I'm just worried. You're very important."
I thought I said it in my head but aparently I just blurted "Doubt it."
Shane just stared at me.
"I'm sorry." I said and he let out a long sigh.

Daniel finally came home. He was wearing a black denim jacket with a white shirt and black skinny jeans. I started a conversation about school, ever since I got pulled out I've always wondered how things are.
"Well Sam says its boring without you in biology." Daniel says. "He says Ms. Hanna is quite annoying."
"And how's your classes? Hows Cody?"
"Oh, my classes are going good. Got A's and B's. Cody wasn't here today actually."
I wondered if it's because of last night.
I checked my phone. I got a text from Axe.
Axe: I got something to show you. I'm showing you because I think you would be cool with it. You wanna come over?
I responded.
Me: Can Daniel come? My dad says I am not allowed to leave the house alone.
Axe: Well, perferably not. You'd understand when I show you.
There was a knock on Daniels door. Shane walked in.
"Hey, so I got to meet up with Ryland and Morgan. We got to film something."
Timing=perfect
Daniel and I said our goodbyes to Shane.
I texted Axe.
Me: I think I can sneak out.
I faced Daniel again.
"Who are you talking to?" Daniel asked.
"It's no one." I paused. "Hey- can you keep a secret?"
"Yeah?"
"I need to go meet up with someone. Shane doesn't want me leaving the house alone. Can you cover for me while I am gone?"
"I mean I guess. When do you think you'll be back?"
"It should be before they get back don't worry about it. It's just in case."
"Okay well... I guess." Daniel said sounding unsure of himself.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" I said really excitedly.
I grabbed my bag and headed out the door.

I arrived at Axe's place and we went into his room.
"So what you wanted to show me?" I asked.
"You promise you won't tell anyone?" Axe asked.
"I swear to my dead parents that I won't tell anyone." I replied.
"Okay..." Axe said unsure of himself as he dug through his drawer.
What can he be hiding in there?
He pulled out a rolled up shirt. He unraveled it and inside was a bag with a box in it. Immediately I knew what it was.
"Is that-?" I was cut off.
"It is." Axe replied.
It's weed. Marijuana. Pot.
"How did you know I used to smoke?" I asked.
"I know my ways." Axe paused and then continued. "Wanna smoke?"
I paused. For a second it felt like I had a sense of morals, but then it faded when that one bad thought came in.
One time won't hurt.
I took Axe up on his offer and we smoked out of a makeshift bong, well... more like a bottle with three holes. I was high out of my shits when I got Daniels text.
Daniel: Where are you??? Shane and Ryland came home early.
I got up with a jolt.
"I'm sorry Axe I got to go." I started packing up my things.
"You want the rest?" Axe act as he rolled up the remains in the shirt.
I paused. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm sure I'm fucking askin'."
I took up on Axe's offer. I needed to leave and I couldn't put up with how high we were for one more second. I shoved the rolled shirt into my bag.
I texted Daniel.
I'm coming home right now. Open your window I will crawl in.
I got a text back.
Daniel: Ok. Hurry.

I ran home and tip toed to the side of the house where Daniels window was open. I could hear them talking inside.
"You sure Casper's doing fine? He's been sleeping for hours." Asked Ryland.
"Oh yeah I am sure." Daniel replied shakily.
I swon my legs into the window and pushed myself in and right when I thought I was in the clear....

Daniels dresser falls over.

And it was loud.

I stood still and stayed frozen when the door opened.
At first they looked dissapointed. Then they were mad. Ryland took my bag and I was told to go to my room.

I stumbled up the stairs. If they couldn't tell I was high now they were about to find out. I laid in my bed as I heard them lecturing Daniel. The high slowly crashed and my headache rose again.
I heard a twist at my door. I sat up really quickly.
Shane and Ryland walk in. I can feel the anxiety rise in my chest. Ryland is holding my bag.
This happens way too many times.
"Look, I'm sorry-" I start
Shane stops me, "But you aren't."
"I won't do it-"
He stops me again, "But you will."
I stopped talking. There is nothing I can say that can make this better.
The worst part is is that they aren't mad.
Then the lecturing begins.
"I TOLD you that you aren't to be going out alone." Shane started lecturing. "And you did it anyway."
"I'm sor-"
"But you aren't. Because you will do it again. Because you didn't even care the first time." Shane said.
Ryland picked up, "You were supposed to check in with people everytime you left and came in and people need to check your bags and you just IGNORED it. Did you even think about Daniel?"
Oh shit. Daniel.
I forgot about that.
"I forgot abo-"
"I don't believe you." Shane said.
Thats when I broke. I kept it inside.
Shane continued. "What were you doing? Trying to prove your not a coward? Fight Cody?"
I was silent.
Shane nudged Ryland. "Check his bag."
The first thing Ryland got was the shirt.
I tried to rip it out of his hands when the plastic bag dropped and hit the floor.
Shane picked it up. I closed my eyes.
"What's that?" Ryland asked.
"It's nothing. I'll just toss it." I responded shakily. I tried to grab the bag from Shane but he pulled it backwards. Shane grabbed and opened the box and saw the weed.
"What's that?" Ryland repeated. Shane didn't say anything.
"It's not what it looks like." I lied. It's exactly what it looks like.
"Is this weed?" Shane said. "Are you smoking weed?"
I remained quiet.
"Are you smoking weed?" Shane asked again.
"It was only one time."
"But you obviously were planning on doing it again." Ryland said.
"Who gave you this weed?" Shane asked his tone lowered.
"It's no one important."
"I want names." Shane said.
I didn't respond.
He turned to Ryland, "I don't even know what to do with this."
I still remained quiet.
Rylands tone got quieter. "Why do you have this?"
I got up and started to yell, "Just start yelling at me! Stop asking me questions and just yell at me! Just tell me I need to leave and I will pack and get out of here by morning!"
"Stop it." Said Ryland.
"No YOU stop IT!" I said pointing my finger at him. "I already messed things up with Daniel! One of us is going to have to leave now and it might as well be me! He was always better anyway." I paused. "I could tell you are both tired of me being a burden and I am tired of BEING THE BURDEN! I can't do anything correctly I can't even DIE correctly! And you are trying to tell me that you care! That you want me here!"
They were both silent.
"Fuck it." I muttered. I ripped my bag out of Rylands arms and slammed the door to my room. Shane and Ryland were both frozen and in there when I left the house and headed towards the mainstreet park.

(To be continued...)