Just when I feel I have gotten used to my new role as head maid, in the days that follow, I become an accustomed to an even newer routine – loving Asteria in private. The bedroom I stole from Alba is often left vacant at night. Instead, I spend my nights sleeping in Asteria's chambers, where I hold her close throughout the night and wake each morning to her beautiful face. We often share slow and lingering kisses in the early morning hours before I dress her; then, we depart. I work hard at my maid duties during the day to shift any suspicion of our affection for each other, and Asteria finds ways to fill her time as well without my company. Although, in the quieter moments of my day, I like to sneak to see Asteria for a few more kisses before we both must return to our daily duties. This act of balancing my head maid duties with my affection for Asteria leaves me more exhausted than when I was actively spying for my mother. But for the time being, I am satisfied.

That is, until one morning, when Asteria sneaks into my room after we finish breakfast. As soon as the door to my room is shut, I find myself leaning against the bedroom wall while Asteria's hands thread through my hair and her lips violently collide with my own. Her lips move over mine effortlessly, and I cannot withhold the whimper that arises in my throat when her teeth just gently graze my bottom lip. I grasp onto her dress and pull her even closer to me, savoring her warmth, as we continue to explore each other's mouths.

Hearing footsteps down the hall, I immediately pull back, looking at Asteria in fear. Her eyes are dazed however, and she frowns at the loss of contact. She leans forward to kiss me again, but I pull back.

"Should we be doing this here?" I ask quietly.

"Probably not. But I—"

A knock echoes at my door, and I nearly squeal.

"Fe! Is the princess in there with you?" comes Alba on the other side of the door.

"Y-Yes," I stammer from within. I quickly remove my grasp aroud Asteria's waist and scramble towards the door, hoping neither my lips are swollen nor my cheeks are flushed. Asteria takes a few steps back from me, creating some distance between us where there was none only seconds ago.

When I open the door to reveal the princess standing beside me, Alba makes a perplexed face. "Princess? Why are you in Fe's room? I just came to fetch you in your chambers but found them empty."

I am quick to jump in. "It is not her fault. I needed her to help re-lace a part of my uniform that I did not tighten well enough this morning. She was the only one available to help in the moment," I say.

Lying to Alba is a skill I am learning to perfect, as this is not the first time she has almost caught us. In fact, it seems nearly every day I am escaping her attempts to reveal our affection towards each other. A part of me suspects, fears, that she has caught on, but judging by the way she nods at my excuse with no questions asked, I also have to wonder if she truly has fallen for my lies.

"You should know by know how to properly wear your uniform, Fe," Alba says.

"I know, ma'am. It was my mistake. The princess has her meeting the royal officials in a few minutes, right?"

"Yes. Are you ready, Princess?" Alba asks.

Asteria nods and begins to walk past me. As she does, however, her fingers just lightly grasp onto my elbow.

"I will need you to accompany me into the gardens later today," she says quietly.

"Whatever you need, Princess," I respond, curtsying towards her.

Asteria smiles warmly at me, then vanishes down the hall with Alba. I am left alone once more, still feeling the warmth of Asteria's lips on my own.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Later that morning, I meet Asteria in the garden, as promised. We have not had much opportunity to walk in the gardens since our affection was made known for each other, so I await our walk with anticipation. Though I know it is unrealistic to think given the guards' proximity toward us, I imagine us walking hand-in-hand, her fingers pressed warmly against my own, as we stroll through the flower hedges. The thought alone makes my fingertips tingle.

I am seated on a bench, enjoying the warm sunlight, when Asteria arrives with the guards. I eagerly stand up to greet her, and though I want to engulf her in a hug, I remain composed and bow my head as she approaches.

"How was your meeting this morning, Princess?" I ask.

"Boring as usual," Asteria responds as she takes her place beside me. We stroll quietly next to each other, admiring some of the newly-bloomed flowers as we walk.

"The weather has grown quite warm. Don't you think so, Princess?" I ask.

"Yes. Much more pleasant compared to earlier in the springtime," she agrees. Slowly, she leans her head down toward my ear. "Why are you speaking so formally?" she asks.

"Your guards are nearby," I murmur in response, briefly looking back at them as they follow us at a safe distance.

Asteria smiles slyly at me. "Let's say we outwalk them, then."

"Your wish is my command," I respond.

Asteria seems to have mastered outwitting her guards by now. She quickly turns a sharp corner in the gardens, and I follow beside her, almost struggling to match her pace as she leads me wildly through the garden. I still remember the first time she led me to her secret garden area. My eyes were soaked in tears then, and her hand was warm in mine. It was our first proper interaction, and little did I know how much would change in such a short amount of time and how much my feelings would grow from that day onward.

We reach Asteria's private garden in an easy amount of time. Asteria quickly creates an opening in the hedges and nearly pushes me inside. She follows behind a moment later and lets out a sigh of relief when the hedge branches unfurl and close behind her once more.

"Now then," Asteria says, walking toward me. She extends her arm and gently wraps her fingers around my chin. "Where were we?" she asks, leaning down to kiss me once more. My arms wrap around her neck, and I pull her closely to me.

We kiss for a few moments, and I think happily of how I would like to kiss her forever if she would let me, but when she pulls apart to catch her breath, I think of how Alba almost discovered us this morning, and fear seizes me again. I grasp onto her wrist, and Asteria looks down at me in concern.

"I need to speak with you," I say, my tone more serious.

"Let's sit by the fountain, then," Asteria suggests.

I can sense her nervousness in the way she fidgets with the hem of her dress while seated. I reach over and place my palm over her own, assuring her that she should not be frightened by whatever it is I have to say. I squeeze her hand slightly, then pull it away again.

"Asteria, I wonder how this is going to work? When Alba almost discovered us again today, it frightened me," I say. "I am so happy right now, but I worry you and about us. What happens if we are discovered? Is your father going to send you somewhere else? Do something else awful to you? I am sure I would automatically be dismissed. I know these are thoughts you probably do not want to hear, but I need to know if I'm alone in thinking them."

Asteria's expression becomes more grin, and her gaze averts my own. "No. I understand your concern. I would be lying if I said I was not feeling similarly, especially after what happened with Elena all those years ago. Forgive me, Fe. I suppose I have been distracting myself these past few days by kissing you when we should have been talking instead."

I fidget with my fingers. "I do not mind that. I enjoy kissing you, too. I only want to ensure that I am not endangering you."

"I appreciate that, Fe. Thank you," Asteria says, her gaze on mine once again. "I admit that we should probably be a bit safer. Our affection will have to remain secretive, not necessarily forever, but for a while until I can think of a way to bring this up to my father."

"But last time—"

Asteria shakes her head. "I will not allow my father to control me like he did last time. Fe, right now I am the happiest since coming to Esterpool. I will do whatever it takes to preserve that happiness. That may be selfish of me, but I hope it is something you desire as well. To preserve our happiness with each other."

I nod eagerly, though even I cannot ignore the screaming in my brain, reminding me what it is I am actually in Esterpool for.

"Are you happy, Fe?" Asteria asks.

"Of course," I respond, almost defensively.

"I only wish to make sure. I still fear I am pressuring you, that I am making you do something you do not wish, or that my feelings far outweigh yours—"

I cut her off with a kiss. As I pull away, I grasp onto her hand and hold it gently.

"I think you are right that we have not been talking enough lately, but you are talking too much right now," I say. "I think we can both agree that we need to be more cautious, but please do not underestimate my happiness."

Asteria nods, then leans in to kiss me once more.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Fetia, why are you betraying your country?

"Mama, if you would only allow me to explain—"

I know disloyalty when I see it. You never cared for your family, for your friends, or the people of Landiani.

"That's not true!" My voice rises in my throat. "I love you and Kiana and Taika. I love Lagi and Palila just as equally. I care deeply for this country. That has always been true."

And yet you have chosen not to save it. You have made your own selfish decisions instead.

"But why can't I have happiness, too?! Why must it be either or?!" I find myself on the verge of screaming.

Fetia.

My mother's voice comes into clearer view. Her disapproving glare sends a chill down my spine.

I am disappointed in you, Fetia.

I awake with a jolt, finding my heart beating rapidly. It takes me a few seconds to grasp my bearings. When I hear the sound of Asteria breathing beside me, I remember I am in her chambers, sleeping in her bed as I often have been as of late. I turn to look at her, seeing that she is still sound asleep. I rest my arm over my head, trying to calm my heart rate. Sweat runs down the side of my face as I remember my dream.

A nightmare. That is all it was. My mother is not here in Esterpool. She has not said those cruel words to me in real life.

And yet, I toss and turn, unable to find myself able to go back to sleep when her voice still rings so clearly through my head. The sun is rising slowly, beginning to cast a bluish light in Asteria's bedroom. It will still be another few hours before I need to wake, but I can no longer lie here with my own thoughts. I rise and navigate carefully out of Asteria's bedroom and into my own. I do so quietly, afraid a guard will catch me slipping out of Asteria's chambers.

In the dim light of my bedroom, I turn on my lamplight and gaze at the piece of empty parchment reflecting back at me on my desk. I have not written a letter to my mother since my past correspondence, in which I told her she might not hear from me as often. I had hoped in that time I would have thought of more of a plan, but as I gaze at the empty letter, I feel even more lost.

Tears come to my eyes. I have been able to distract myself often these past few days. When Asteria's kisses weren't helping me forget the true nature of my role here at Esterpool, I had been busy playing head maid, exhausting myself to the point that I did not need to think when I crawled into bed at night.

"I don't know what to do," I murmur to myself sadly, wiping tears from my eyes.

I sit down, wondering if attempting to write a letter to my mother about all that has happened would do me some good, but I am unable to let the words flow. I know that my mother would see me as a traitor for feeling that way I do towards Asteria as she is someone who belongs to a family that has brought so much pain to my own people. I am not unaware of the fact, but I also know that she is not wholly responsible and that there is so much good inside her too. I also cannot deny how happy I have been these few days while spending time with her. For once in my life, I feel more in control of my life and my decisions. I was the one who decided to reach out to Asteria and return her feelings, and thus far, I have not regretted it.

Sighing, I remember that Asteria will soon wake to an empty bed if I do not return. I glance at the blank sheet of paper once more. I will need to write a letter to my mother soon, but the early morning hours are not the time to strategize. I will have more time to think when I wake.

I turn my lamp off and navigate slowly back to Asteria's chambers, unsure if the walk truly even helped my mood. I expect Asteria to still be asleep when I re-enter, but I nearly shriek when I find her sitting up in bed with the lamp on, staring at me.

"Ah! I did not know you would be awake," I admit, jolting some.

"I woke just a few moments ago," Asteria says. "Where did you go?"

I approach closer and take a seat on the edge of her bed. "I was having trouble sleeping, so I went on a brief walk to my bedroom and back."

"I see," Asteria says. She lets out a yawn, and I think happily that she will soon be back asleep, but then I see her eyes narrow in concern. "Fe? Have you been crying?"

I reach up to touch my cheek, no doubt still stained by tears. For some reason, it is those words that make my eyes begin to tear up again.

"Oh, no. Fe! What happened?" Asteria asks.

I wipe some tears from my eyes and shake my head. "It was a nightmare, nothing more. I am all right."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"I did not want to trouble you," I respond.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head. "I would rather not think about it again, if that is okay. I am sorry for disrupting your sleep, Asteria. You can go back to bed. I might stay up a bit longer if you do not mind the light."

Asteria does not lie back down though. Instead, she gently shoves her covers aside and crawls towards me. Her arms engulf me slowly, and though I promised myself that I was no longer bothered by the nightmare, that I know my mother would not share such cruel sentiments with me, I begin to sob once more. I expect Asteria to shush me, to tell me it will all be okay, but she simply allows me to cry instead. I grasp tightly onto the fabric of her nightgown, no doubt staining it with tears, and shake with sadness. She threads her fingers through my hair and presses the occasional kiss to my forehead. We sit like that for quite some time, until my tears begin to cease and my breathing begins to relax once more. I suddenly feel exhausted and slump more tiredly against Asteria.

"Are you feeling a little better?" she asks quietly.

I nod against her.

"Let's go back to sleep, then," she says. "Do not worry about waking in time to dress me. I can attempt to do so myself, instead."

I open my mouth to argue, but when I glance up, her eyes are fierce with determination, so I nod once more.

Asteria gently kisses me. "You may always wake me if you are having a nightmare, Fe. I don't mind."

"Okay," I say, my voice weak and shaky after crying for so long.

She turns out the lamp beside me, and we lie back down. I curl up against Asteria's chest, feeling her heart beat in a comforting rhythm. My eyes grow droopy as sleep begins to overtake me once more.

"Good night, Fe," I hear Asteria murmur against me.

I am too tired to respond, but as I fall asleep, I cannot help but thinking that the decision I must make between Asteria and my homeland is going to be much harder than I previously envisioned it to be.